A/N: This takes place in the Season 4 episode, "When the Levee Breaks", in the scene where Dean and Sam fight right before Sam chooses Ruby and walks away from them all, to kill Lilith. I wrote it to explore Dean's thoughts because I think this is a very spectacular instance - the one instance in perhaps the entire show where Dean realized something about their relationship. But spoilers! I'll let you in on it at the end, if you're still not sure.
Disclaimer: If I owned Supernatural, let's just say that we would be doing Season 9 a whole lot differently (*ahem* Jeremy Carver *ahem*) and we would definitely being seeing more 2014 parallels coming out. Then again ... there's still time ...
When the Levee Breaks
I hold the demon bitch up against the wall with one arm stretched back to stab her with her own knife. Poetic justice, right? Bitch get's stabbed by her own knife and stays dead. At least, that's the plan.
But all of a sudden, something's stopping my arm as I try to finish the backstabbing whore off. "No!"
Fuck.
Sam's back and dammit, he's strong. I'm not ready and now he's got the knife, I'm on the floor across the room, and Ruby's scot free. I taught that kid well - he did that way too easily.
"Let her go!" Sam orders unnecessarily since I'm on the ground and he's protecting the bitch. "Just take it easy."
I stand up and hope that my face looks as sarcastic as I'm feeling because I just can't take Sam's earnest good brother crap right now. But it's not as easy as it sounds when you're trying to catch your breath. "That must of been some party you two had goin' … considering how hard you tried to keep me from crashing it. Well, solid try, but here I am." Nice fucking bullshit try, Sammy.
"Dean, I'm glad you're here," Sam says, looking at the floor.
What the hell?
"Look, let's just talk about this."
Talk about it? I've been trying to talk to you about Ruby for months, you fucking moron! You've just been too damn horny and addicted to fucking listen to what the bastard who's been to hell has to say about the demon bitch! That's what I want to say. But that … wouldn't be nice. I'm supposed to get through to Sam, not let loose. Besides … this is Sammy. He's made some bad choices and has got some shit in his head for brains right now, but he's Sammy.
So I barely keep from exploding and say the more moderate sentence instead, which still pretty much says it all. Ruby dead – end terms. "As soon as she's dead we can talk all you want." Wake up, Sammy. Cut the bullshit and do what I fucking say.
Sam looks at me almost pityingly, like he's got the high ground and then tells the bitch to get out of here.
No.
"NO, she's not going anywhere," I say, starting towards her. I am not letting the demon who is poisoning my little brother just get away. I don't care what the fuck Sam says. Ruby is going to die.
But Sam looks at me like I'm an idiot and Ruby get's her ass out of there and now Sam's sighing and tolerant. And I know he thinks he's the hero here. The smart one- the reasonable one. But he's a fucking idiot. "She's poison, Sam!"
"It's not what you think, Dean."
Open your fucking eyes, dipshit! "Look what she did to you!" I insist and I just don't understand why he can't quit her. Why he can't see she's the devil herself. And I'm getting more worked up, more angry the more I think about it. "She up and vanishes weeks at a time, leaves you crackin' out for another hit!"
And now Sam's finally getting mad too, the self-righteous ass look off his face. "She was looking for Lilith!" Sam annunciates his words very carefully and I know that sound. It's the way Sam sounded when he argued with Dad about college- well, about anything, really, but it was worst when it was about Stanford. But I'm not dad. And this is not college. This is about fucking- literally fucking- some demon. And somehow in that kid's crazy mixed up head, I'm the one who's the idiot while genius over here is drinking blood.
Looking for Lilith? "That is French for manipulating your ass ten ways from Sunday!" I exclaim. It's black and white. Damn easy to see.
"You're wrong, Dean."
Right, of course I'm wrong! Cut the fucking bullshit, you jackass! Get off your fucking highhorse and join the rest of the shitty human race that makes fucking mistakes! You idiot! Do you remember nothing that Dad taught you? That I fucking taught you? How are you so screwed in the head?
My incredulity shows on my face as I look at the man before me who's wearing my brother's face but is saying things my brother should know better than to say because my brother went to Stanford! He's the "smart one"! And I don't fucking know what kind of bullshit this is.
"Sam, you're lyin' to yourself." I step closer to him and try to connect with the brother I know is in there. Come on, Sammy, listen to me. "I just want you to be okay." And that's all I've wanted through this whole shitty thing. I'm not here for my health, Sammy. Come on, I'm trying to watch out for you. Just listen to me. "You would do the same for me, you know you would." And I do. Because we're brothers.
"Just listen," Sam insists, shaking his head. He notices the knife in his hand and throws it on the bed, his "reasonable voice" and face not changing. "Just listen for a second. We've got a lead on a demon close to Lilith. Come with us, Dean," He entreats, his eyes earnest. "We'll do this together."
"That sounds great," I promise. And it does. Just him and me, hunting monsters the way Dad taught us to. Saving the world the right way. The not-going-dark-side way. "As long as it's you and me - demon bitch is a deal breaker. You kiss her goodbye, we can go right now." That's the way it's gotta be, Sammy.
And the damn kid looked so hopeful when I promised we could go after Lilith. But, of course, his face closes down when I tell him that Ruby's got to go. As if he doesn't already fucking know that.
"I can't, Dean. I need her to help me kill Lilith."
Yeah, kid? Well I need you. But you don't really give a shit, do you?
I turn around because I can't look at him anymore. I can feel Sam slipping away and I feel so damn tired from dragging him away from the edge for so long.
"I know you can't wrap your head around it, but maybe one day you'll understand." A long sigh follows, like he's tired of explaining something so simple to someone who should get it. Welcome to the club. "I'm the only one who can do this, Dean."
What? What?
This is something I have to look him in the eyes for, because I can't believe I just heard what I think I just heard. This is not his job! "No, you're not the one who's gonna do this." It is not his job to go on some kind of self-destructive kamikaze mission. I'm the one who lost my soul to her, remember?
"Right, that's right. I forgot. The angels think it's you," Sam scoffs.
What the fuck did he just say? I got my ass dragged out of hell personally by an angel because God fucking said so – because I'm supposed to stop the whole damn thing. All those junkless dicks in heaven think I can do it and Sam doesn't?
"You don't think I can?"
Fuck you, Sam says. Well, actually, he says, "No. You can't. You're not strong enough," in his reasonable voice, his face pitying me and it amounts to the same thing. A punch in the gut from the guy you backed up your whole life.
Because it's my fault. I started torturing souls in hell and started this. Because I was weak and I broke and Sam knows that. And it looks like Sam thinks I can't fucking make up for that. Thinks I'm too weak to fix what I broke.
That's Sam's knockout punch. Nothing held back. And the best part is that the dick thinks he's being nice.
"And who the hell are you?" I ask. Who the hell does he think he is?
"I'm being practical here! I'm doing what needs to be done."
No, you're being a self-righteous, blood-sucking addicted prick who's so fucked up in the head he can't tell right from wrong. What you're doing is fucking a demon and lying through your teeth and backstabbing your own family to make yourself feel fucking important!
And I'm not going to let him go through with it and let him fuck up his life anymore. "Yeah? You're not gonna do a single damn thing."
"Stop bossing me around, Dean!" Sam's getting angry and the petulant little teenager in him comes out. Figures it would, since that's who's been making the bullshit decisions here the whole time. Is that what this is about? His fucking self-esteem? He's screwing over every value he ever had to prove that he picked the right horse to bet on? Because I picked the other one?! He reigns his temper in. "Look, my whole life, you take the wheel. You call the shots. And I trust you because you are my brother. Now, I'm asking you, for once, trust me," he pleads.
Poor stupid kid. He looks so hopeful and pathetic, like a lost puppy. He really needs me to affirm him or something like that, doesn't he? Thing is, I trust him (unlike the way he won't trust me with this). But I know he's wrong here. And what kind of brother would I be if I let him screw up his fucking soul to give him a self-esteem boost? I'm sorry, Sammy.
I shake my head. "No. You don't know what you're doin', Sam." You're driving down the road blind.
"Yes, I do!"
Fucking shit! "Then that's worse!"
"Why?" Sam asks, confused. "Look, I'm telling you-"
"Because it's not something that you're doing, it's what you are!" It comes out of my mouth before I can hold it back. I let him know all the fears I've been having – the fears that I don't tell Sam because that would be the lowest blow. The punch in the gut he gave me. But it's too late now to care about Sam's feelings. "It means-" you're a monster. Somehow, I can't finish that. Even now. Monster - something that Sam's been fighting for years and I'm his brother. I can't say that to him.
"What?" Don't ask me, Sam. "No. Say it," he insists, needing to confirm I'm the backstabbing dick he thinks I am, fucking tears in his eyes. Guess he doesn't realize they're in mine too.
"It means you're a monster," I finish, saying the sentence I should never have had to say to my brother. The brother I raised, the brother I bled for, the brother who I would have given everything for. The brother I have given everything for.
He nods, his face trembling and looks away. But if he thinks it hurts to hear that, he doesn't fucking know how much it fucking hurts to say it. He doesn't know the first thing about pain because they can't compare. This is my hell.
Damn-
God-
Sam-
And I can't stop the tear that comes out of my eye as I'm back under Alistair's knife in those seconds, utterly dead inside.
Sam's punch comes out of nowhere as he lands a solid one and I go down. And I might have been sad and broken before but all that's gone now, because now? I'm furious.
My brother is choosing a hellspawn whore, a demon bitch over our family and all the sacrifices we all have made and over everything we've fought for.
And over me.
Over me.
He doesn't believe I can do this, after I always believed in him. I believe in him now, just not the road he's traveling. Yet, he's trusting Ruby over me.
Well, fuck you, Sam. Fuck you! Fuck your bullshit because I am fucking done with you! I always choose you, no matter what. I always put you first and I don't fucking need this. You want Ruby to have your back? Fine, see how that turns out 'cause there's nothing stopping you anymore.
Sam and I have had our fights over the years but when he left to go to Stanford, he never betrayed me. He did what he had to do there and I trusted him. I helped him.
So this is what it feels like to be betrayed by your brother.
Et tu?
I get up and Sam's breathing loud and feeling strong and spoiling for a fight. And who am I to deny him? Or myself? Because apparently that's what I do when I am furious. I fight. We fight.
I draw back and release, landing a solid one on his traitorous face, following up quick with another punch. Sam grabs at me, but I punch him in the stomach, sending him backwards. I try to follow through but Sam grabs me- shit, he's strong!- andhe punches me in the stomach and on the jaw, again and again and sends my head flying into a mirror.
I recover and send my fist flying for Sam's face but he dodges, grabs me, and sends me crashing through the wooden and glass partition and I'm lying bloody on the ground and that's when I realize that I wasn't really trying.
Because Sam and I are pretty evenly matched in a fight. True, the kid's gigantic, but I taught him everything he knows. I'm the one who keeps him sharp. And I could have done a hell of a lot better than that. But- if I win, Sam stays. And I am done with holding him back from the edge. He makes his own choices – that's what he wants, right? Then he can fucking have it!
I lie on the ground and realize this while also realizing that my body feels like shit. My whole body throbs, I've got a bloody nose, my lungs seem to be collapsing, and my head feels like I've got AC/DC, Aerosmith, and the Stones practicing in my head. Now, practiced at fighting, I am. Captain America, I ain't and I can't seem to make myself get up, my body betraying me. Seems to be the day for betrayal.
Sam stands over me and- we're called killers all the time, but right now, Sam actually looks like one and if I didn't know him, I might actually be scared.
He looks wild and he grabs me by the throat and he's choking me and shit- I can't breathe and I don't know if he's going to let go.
I push at his hand weakly but I can't breathe-
He looks so full of hate-
I can't breathe-
Fuck, Sam! I can't-
I can't-
He let's go roughly and I gasp for air, forcing it down my abused throat.
"You don't know me." he spits out. "You never did … and you never will."
That's the biggest bullshit I've ever heard, because I know Sam backwards and forwards. Or I knew him. Maybe he's right. I'm not sure I know the man standing over me.
And finally, I'm free. Because I realize that all my life, I've been Sam's parent, not just his brother. I took care of him when Dad was gone, I protected him, and I forgave him. I think that when you're a parent, you're always forgiving your kids. Even when you're furious with them and want to blast them to kingdom come, you've already forgiven them, somewhere deep down because parents have this crazy thing called unconditional love.
But Sam's not my kid. He's my fucking brother who screwed me over, stabbed me in the back, and broke every promise he ever made to me by what he is doing. And I don't have to forgive him. I don't have to love him and accept him and choose him. He's not my fucking responsibility!
Sam is a fucking adult and I'm not fighting for him anymore. I don't forgive him and right now, I can barely remember that I love him. Sam can do whatever he wants.
But if he makes the wrong choice, I'm not taking him back. I'm done.
Sam walks away from me towards the door, choosing. And I don't have any unconditional forgiveness left when it comes to Sam. He's no saint and I'm not one either. I'm only his brother. No parent.
"You walk out that door ... don't you ever come back."
No father.
A/N: I think this time was the only time Dean actually treated Sam like his brother and not his kid, particularly in terms of his anger with Sam. Dean always forgives Sam - always, even when he starts the freaking apocalypse! But this one time- this one time he turned his back. And I think it was because this one time he gave up on the responsibility he'd always shouldered and looked a bit at the responsibility Sam owed to him and finally realized he didn't have to fight for Sam. Of course, the beauty of Supernatural is that Dean always fights for Sam, even though he doesn't need to and it's not his responsibility. But it's just here - this one time - that he realizes that. Anyway, please review!