Harry Potter was walking toward the head's dorm room. He was the head boy somehow, and so he shared his dorm with the other head. That head was Draco Malfoy. You see, in Harry's seventh year Hogwarts decided to remove the gender limitations of head 'boy' and 'girl'. So now there was just two 'heads' in order to assign the positions more fairly and perpetuate the patriarchy. Shitlord.

So anyways Harry was on his way back to his private dorm when someone stabbed him from behind! Gasp! He was right next to the infirmary when it happened, but he decided to go back to his dorm anyways because he had homework and no time for this shit. He managed to climb the remaining twelve flights of stairs to his dorm, and he collapsed on the living room floor.

"Oh my god Harry!" Draco shrieked like a little girl, "what happened?!"

"Stabbed… bleeding… out…"

"I have just the thing!" Draco declared.

At first Harry was relieved; he believed that Draco had some sort of spell or potion to help him. However, that hope was quickly dashed when Draco stood over Harry and dropped his pants.

"Draco… why..?" Harry didn't really have very much energy to inquire further.

Draco looked down, as if just now noticing how weird the entire situation was.

"Oh no man, don't get the wrong idea. You see I have this special spell, but the spell only works after we've had sex. It's completely normal!"

Harry's reasoning skills were apparently also damaged by the stab wound, because the next thing he said was, "Oh… I suppose that…. Makes sense…"

As soon as he got consent (because really, Draco isn't a complete monster) Draco used his wand to magic away their clothes.

Really he could have done that with his own pants, but then we wouldn't have gotten that sweet, comedic effect.

Well Draco got straight down to business. Not like they needed any foreplay (we all know what Harry and Ron do when Hermione isn't around, but that's a story for another day.) and, hey, there was plenty of blood from the stab wound to use as lubricant! Draco always did fancy himself an optimist.

So after a few brief pumps (six to be exact, two more than last time!) Draco finally got off.

Well Harry was not in very good shape at this point, understandably. The wound just seemed to keep gushing blood.

"Do… Do the spell…" Harry muttered, but he was barely conscious at this point.

"Spell? Oh yeah. There's no spell."

"What?!" Harry tried to sound indignant. It's pretty hard to do with blood seeping from your chest and back area.

"Yeah I was the one that stabbed you," Draco admitted cheekily.

"Whyyyyyyyyyyy" Harry whined

"I wanted the dorm to myself. Plus, I totally tricked you into having sex with me"

Well at this point Harry was too drained to pursue the matter any further. So Draco went into the kitchenette area and made himself an after-sex snack while Harry quietly bled out not six feet from him.

A/N: Written for my lovely Cloud friend. ;D