Covalent
A/N: So this started off as a Rade request on tumblr by AJ-Kenobi (holycrapitsari) and it quickly morphed into something more and so I've kept her waiting an appallingly long time for this. Sorry about that! It was also betad by the wonderful Leah or JustSmile1, so much love to her. No seriously, she's great.
Disclaimer: I own jack shit. Except an unhealthy and insatiable love for this pairing.
If you'd asked me six months ago about Jade West I would have told you three things. Three things that I would have been happy to lay my life on, if you'd like. Three things I was sure were so cemented in truth, that the image of Jade West I'd built up in my head would never ever crumble and fall, right in front of my eyes.
You can know a person without ever really knowing them, you know? We do it all the time. How can you know what the person you talk to everyday does when they get home? When they're alone and no-one is watching and there's no one to keep this act up for and all their pretences come crashing down? You can't. Unless they choose to show you. You can't know a person without them letting you. I didn't know Jade West until six months ago, not properly.
But about these three things I was sure of. One, that Jade West was not afraid of anything. Two, that Jade West was completely and whole-heartedly happy with my best friend Beck Oliver, and third, that Jade West had never even given me a glance sideways.
I can do calculations in my head in seconds, I can figure out scientific formulas when no-one else in my class has a clue, I can throw my voice onto other side of a room if I want to, but I've never understood girls. Jade West was no exception, until a couple of months ago.
/
'I'm not with him.'
I sigh and put my chicken salad on the table while I slip into a seat next to Andre. Jade throws herself down next to Beck and he immediately slings an arm around her shoulders. Typical Jade. I pick at my salad while Tori squawks about some audition she's not sure about. Don't get me wrong, I love the girl but she can be so…loud sometimes. I push my salad away after a couple of minutes, losing interest as Tori's voice gets higher and higher in pitch. She's working herself up something horrid and I'm getting mildly concerned but Beck and Andre are trying to calm her down.
'It's not lying… it's twisting the truth.' I hear Beck saying assuredly.
They both nod and Tori frowns hard and fiddles with her head-shot in her hands. 'You sure?'
Beck places a hand on her shoulder and gives it a gentle rub but I'm distracted from the scene unfolding in front of me by Jade sticking a plastic fork into my arm. She's moved to the space next to me and is glaring at me as I whip round to face her, but I get the feeling I'm not the whole reason she's so mad.
'Hey!' I squeak and she smirks at last.
'Whatever. Are you done with that, Shapiro?' She pokes my salad with the fork that was previously piercing my skin, the one she's been eating with. 'I guess I am now you've put your saliva all over it.' I rub my injured arm reproachfully and she grabs the plastic box nearer to her and starts to spear the salad rather aggressively.
'Don't be such a baby. I'm not going to poison you. Besides, it's too late now.' She shoves a lettuce leaf into her mouth, chews then swallows with much relish. 'It's mine.'
By the time I'm done scowling at her to look back for Beck, the seat across from me is empty as is the one Tori was previously occupying. I look at Andre.
'Hey, where'd Tori and Beck go?'
Cat giggles. Jade stabs her (mine) salad even harder and I swear I see the fork go straight through the bottom of the container.
'I don't know man. I think he's helping her with her CV.'
There's a sudden noise of crushing plastic as Jade flips her rubbish into the nearest bin angrily and stands up, grabbing her bag. She looks at me for a second before storming away through the double doors to the main hallway.
I'm confused. But no one goes after her.
/
The party is in full swing by the time I stumble into a room, looking for some place quiet, away from the thumping music and the thumping headache-I can already feel forming in my brain. I always have been a delicate child, my mother tells me. Reminds me. I've grown sick of hearing it by now.
I lost Cat and Andre in a packed, sweaty room full of gyrating teenagers about half an hour a go. They were making eyes at each other so I decided it was best If I left them to it. Also, my awkwardness levels were going through the roof. I slipped out of the room as quickly as I could. I had no idea where Tori, Jade or Beck was, I hadn't seen them since we all arrived together and split up, until now.
Jade West is sitting with her back to the bathroom door, in the bedroom of this strange teenager that is hosting this party in this strange house that I never really wanted to come to anyway. But Jade is sitting there with her limbs folded haphazardly beneath her, her head lolling and her arms limp and I feel my heart jump into my mouth at the sight.
"Jade!?'
I receive no answer and I creep closer to find she's got a drained bottle of beer in her slack fingers and stack of red cups next to her and a slightly green tinge to her pale ovular face. I crouch down cautiously in front of her and take the empty bottle from her hand slowly. Her eyelids flutter open at the movement.
'Jade?' Again.
'I think I'm going to be sick.'
Great.
I jump back and look around wildly for something for her to vomit in and am just about to grab an empty plant plot (so classy) when she groans and lets her head fall back against the door with a thud.
'No, puppet-brain, help me up.' she slurs, and every word is drawn out, as if its an immense effort just to speak. I'm exceedingly scared.
I whip around to find Jade's hands outstretched instead, grasping thin air and her eyes closed. For a second she looks like small vulnerable child who's lost their parents, asking for help, not a mean goth girl who any second could turn on me, despite the copious amount of alcohol she's consumed. Then she growls at me to do something and the illusion is shattered.
'Shapiro!'
'Uhhh, right...'
I hook one arm around hers and sling an arm around her shoulder awkwardly and together we stagger through the bathroom door. I almost drop her on the tiled floor but I catch her just in time and she sways on the spot for a second, looking devastatingly pale. I put a hand on the door-frame to steady us both, and then she has found the toilet bowl and is retching in to it, kneeling on the floor with her head bent over the bowl. Eventually I hear the splatter of bile as it hits the ceramic and I grimace. Lovely.
I pull her highlighted hair away from her face and neck warily as she continues heaving into the basin. After several disgusting filled minutes of vomit and awkward comforting she pulls away and wipes at her mouth with the back of her hand before sliding to sit with her back against the fancy pants what-looks-like-victorian-but-probably-isn't bath they've got in here and I sink to sit next to her, keeping a few inches between us. I don't think I've ever seen Jade this drunk before. I've seen her happy, I've seen her aggressively making out with Beck, I've seen her in the middle of the dance floor pulling moves that surely should be illegal, they draw looks from every male in the room. But I've never seen her this bad before.
'God, I feel like shit.'
'You did drink seven cups of beer, Jade.'
'Six. One of those was Beck's. And it wasn't all beer' I have no desire to know what else she's been drinking then. Whatever it is, it's strong. The smell of alcohol is rolling off her. I wonder how anyone could have left her in this state. She's obviously not up to looking after herself, as she just demonstrated (rather graphically) and yet none of her friends are here. Jade West is not a person you ditch. Jade West is a person you wish you could hang around with, and she just lets you. So where the chizz is Beck? I glance at her again, and she looks so different to the Jade that strides Hollywood Arts halls. Lesser. Why is she alone?
Pause while Jade closes her eyes and inhales deeply, like she's trying to draw strength. I let my eyes dance away.
Finally I gather the courage. ' So, where's Beck?'
Pause.
Jade opens her eyes and turns to face me, her grey-ish blue orbs dulled whether by alcohol or something else, or a combination of the two I don't know, but I think I could give a fairly accurate guess to its name. Anger.
'I don't fucking know.'
I twitch and shift my gaze away to stare at the mirror reflecting the both of us sitting on this cold hard tiled floor of a stranger's house while the party thumps on beneath us. Jade breathes out deeply this time and brings a hand to her forehead.
'I've got a bitch of a headache. Just go find Cat so I can get out of here Shapiro, preferably before I hurl again?' and she glares at me. I jump up sharply, knock into the sink and Jade winces at the sudden movement and clanking sound. I rub my hip.
'Just fucking go.'
'Will-will you be okay?'
'Get out of here Shapiro.'
I nod hurriedly and stumble out of the room. On my way to find Andre through this catacomb of a house, all the while thinking of Jade suffering alone upstairs, I pass Beck and Tori, huddled in a corner together, red cups in hand. Well, I found him. Their heads are nearly touching and the air around them is full of whispers. I don't pause though. By the time I locate Andre, who I find with Cat giggling on his lap, just where I thought she might be, and drag them both upstairs I notice Beck is gone and when we reach the bathroom, so is Jade.
/
'I'll see you later babe, okay?'
'Yeah, whatever.'
He pauses, frowning then swoops down to place a kiss on her cheek which she doesn't react to. With his eyebrows drawn he turns to walk away but throws a last minute 'See you, Rob' over his shoulder. I nod in acknowledgement. Jade digs into her bag and roughly pulls out a biro and a black leather notebook and I pretend to be engrossed in my math equations. I don't think she's noticed we're alone yet, and if I want to live, I'm not going to alert her to that fact. I can't help secretly watching her out of the corner of my eyes though. I don't know why but whenever I'm with Jade alone I feel like I'm witnessing something I shouldn't, something that wasn't quite meant to be public, like I'm invading her personal privacy in ways I shouldn't be. She's so closed off all the time, it's easy to feel like you're not welcome. I'm getting the vibe this is something else I shouldn't really be witness to.
I watch as she pushes the ball point pen across the page furiously, surely leaving an indention on the page below. I'd ask what she's writing about but I don't want her to rip a chunk out of me right now, because I'm surprised to find I'm content just watching her scratch across the page, leaving harsh scribbled words in her wake. She's angry, and I dread to think what the writing says.
She slams the pen down on the page suddenly and I jump, realising she's caught me staring.
Skittles.
'Take a picture Shapiro, it'll last longer,' she quips darkly and I gulp.
'Sorry.' It sounds blurted, too quick.
She rolls her eyes. "It's whatever.' she grumbles. She glances down at her page for a fraction of a second before snagging her lower lip with her teeth, and I can't help noticing they way her lips shine, so full and deep red. Not like Tori's or Cat's or Trina's. Everything about Jade is so uniquely her. It always has been.
'Listen, about the party…..Thanks, I guess.'
I blink in surprise. Jade West. Showing appreciation. 'Uhh, you're welcome?'
'Just take the gratitude and don't get used to it.' She purses her lips. 'But swear to me you won't tell Tori or Beck about it. I've asked Cat and Andre. Now you have to. I want you swear to honest God, Robbie.'
I can see in her eyes that won't leave mine that she's serious about this and I nod disjointedly before adding- 'Doesn't Beck know that you-'
'No. Swear to me Shapiro.' and I do swear, I swear I see something in the blue eyes so concentrated on me, something that looks suspiciously like… fear? But Jade West never gets scared. Right?
'I Promise.'
She nods, and for a second I see a faint smile tug at the corner of her mouth, but I can't be sure before she snatches up her stuff and leaves.
/
'Hey, Andy Sandberg!'
Something collides with the back of my head and I cry out in response, putting a hand up to rub it fiercely. I grimace.
'What the chizz- Jade!'
She smirks and drops into the seat next to me, dumping her gears of war bag in front of her and putting the rolled up script she'd used to hit me with back in the bag. 'I got the part in Sikowitz's latest little play. Think you can handle getting my spotlight right Shapiro? Don't want to mess with the star's scene do we?' She winks and grins at me, her rare obvious good mood shining through. I have a good idea she's not only happy because she got the lead, but because Tori has been downgraded to under-study this time instead. I'm sure Tori doesn't mind, in fact I know she's too focussed on her R&B Vocals class at the moment to care too deeply about anything else at all, so I take the chance of grinning back at Jade before she decides to go back to 'doom and gloom central.'
'Congratulations'
'SIkowitz came to his senses is all. Now about that history project we were assigned to do together?'
I blink in surprise again. It seems to be becoming a new habit of mine around Jade.
'You actually want to work together?' I ask hesitantly.
'No, Jonathan Creek, I was going to let you do all the work and then stick my name on at the end for credit.' I frown and she rolls her eyes. 'I may be a gank Robbie, but I'm not that big of a gank. It's a dual project. Dual means two. And here I was thinking you at least have a couple more brain cells than the rest of our class.'
'Uhh, no, right, two of us. Project. Together.' I stutter out and Jade grabs a sandwich and takes a bite, unconcerned. I watch as she chews.
'….Jonathan Creek?'
She swallows and grins. 'British crime TV drama. Seriously good. Has plenty of plot twists, so it's not like your average whodunnit. You should check it out or something. Anyway, you remind me of the main character. Same hair.'
I don't know whether to be insulted or not, but even the more obviously joking nicknames Jade gives me I usually just ignore so this time I smile. At least she likes the programme. That's gotta be good, right?
'So about the assignment. What's it about again specifically?'
I grin. 'Don't you mean, pacifically?'
She arches an eyebrow in return. 'Watch it Shapiro.' To avoid being murdered I turn quickly to dig out the notes I made from the period, pushing Rex aside unceremoniously who protest with a muffled 'Mmmmph!' which I can almost feel Jade striving to ignore. 'Stupid puppet….'
'Great historical leaders of the 20th century. We get to choose.'
'I pick Hitler.'
'Jade!' I gasp, 'You can't do our history project on Hitler!'
She plucks the sheet from my hand and scans it speedily. 'Why not? He's a leader, from the right century. I'm not saying he was right, Shapiro, or that I agree with him. I don't. I'm just saying there's no denying he was a powerful leader.' She looks at me calmly before fiddling with her phone, typing out a text message and I squirm in my seat.
'But isn't that a little….controversial?' I stammer timidly, fearing she'd just up and leave at my protest.
Her fingers stop moving and she looks at me exasperatedly. 'Can't make a cake without breaking a few eggs, Shapiro. Besides, don't you find him interesting? I mean, how did he persuade a entire country that what he was ordering was right? The man gave great speeches, but he was insane! I mean sure, I may have an unhealthily large collection of horror dvds, but I'm not insane for liking them.'
I mumble under my breath and Jade shoots me one of her death glares so I shut up.
She puts her phone down and twists to face me. 'No seriously Robbie, Hitler? Off his rocker. Except he wasn't. Thought everything he was doing was totally justified and lead the whole country to it, tried to take over the world. And that whole thing with Art School that they think started it…..' By this time Jade's hands are gesturing wildly and she's so into what she's explaining. Trust her to be enraptured by the subject of a mad-man mass murderer.
'Art school?' I enquire and Jade frowns.
'Yeah, he got kicked out of art school. Thought nobody appreciated his talent. I don't think he ever got over the feeling of rejection that he felt from those people.'
'Still Jade, we're not doing Adolf Hitler.'
Jade full on glares at me this time and I shrink back in my seat, aiming to somehow miss the death rays beaming from her eyes.
'Shapiro, what he did was wrong, cruel, horrific, pick a synonym. But he was a person. And some people kind of forget that. What drives a person to that?'
'How much do you know about him?'
She shrugs. 'A bit. I did some research a while ago when history lessons were boring me.'
'We can't.-'
'Shapiro, we're doing Hitler.'
I can't stop the sentence that comes out next, hard as I try and Rex isn't around to take the fall for me. 'That sounds so wrong.'
Jade stifles a laugh. 'Jesus, I'm out of here.'
I watch her march away, a smile I didn't know was there lingering on my face.
/
It takes me five minutes to gather the confidence to kill the engine and actually get out of the car, instead of just dawdling outside of the West household for the next three hours until I said to my mother I'd be home. The house is huge, and considering I know that it's only her mother, her younger sister and Jade that live there, it must feel pretty empty. There are massive black and gold metal gates over the drive way and a little buzzer thing to press so you can be let in. In short, it's the epitome of posh. I knew Jade was rich, but not this rich. I press the (doorbell?) nervously and it crackles and beeps rather worryingly for a while until I hear a woman's voice, slightly distorted and robot sounding, burst down the line.
'Hello, who is it?' It's not Jade, it must be her mother. If it were Jade I'd probably get a 'What?!' barked down the line.
'Umm, hi, Mrs West? It's err Robbie Shapiro. Jade's...friend?'
'Oh, of course. Hello. Jade didn't say you were coming...I'll just open the gate for you.'
'Uh...sorry?' Of course Jade didn't mention me. What did I expect? 'Thank you Mrs West.'
I stand awkwardly until the gates start to move mechanically inwards then I slip through. By the time I've reached the front door Jade is leaning on the door frame jauntily, arms crossed, observing me.
'So what do you think of our little place huh Shapiro?'
I don't know what to say so I smile wanly. 'It's errr...big. And grand.'
She laughs and I feel relieved. 'We're like three freaking pennies rolling around in a pot in here. It's ridiculous. It's huge, and totally unnecessary. I have told my mother, but she refuses to listen, says she's fond of the house. Fond of the money it shows we have, more like.' She rolls her eyes skywards and I adjust my school bag on my shoulder awkwardly. She shrugs. 'Anyway, you might as well come in.' Jade turns and strides down the hallway and along several twisting corridors until she kicks open a door to a room, deep purple and obviously hers. She collapses into a desk chair and spins to face me, smiling. 'So.'
'So.' I answer. I've never been in a girl's room before. Sure, I've been to Cat's and Tori's house, but not in their bedrooms. They always said they were private. Jade's room is dark and the walls are covered in posters. I pick out some; Joan Jett, Nirvana, John Lennon, the film poster for The Scissoring, a band named zombies are everywhere that I've never even heard of. Her desk is neat and tidy with stacks of paper and books piled neatly to the side, doubtless scripts and essays she's finished, but around the room are shelves full of books and stuff she's collected throughout the years, obviously. Dozens of jars with I don't care to know what inside them. Everything in here screams Jade. I wonder why she's brought me up here and not the kitchen or something?
'Where's your mother? Sister?'
'My mother has probably gone back into her study, or as I like to call it hibernation, and darling Ruby has gone to stay with my father for the weekend.'
I hadn't know her sister's name before. 'Ruby?'
'My mother has an obsession with gemstones for a while. Or like ten years, go figure. Dad didn't get a look in.'
'Oh.' I drop my bag and sit gingerly on the bed and Jade flicks her computer on.
'I wrote the introduction last night,' she says 'so maybe you want to have a look at it. Then we can do the first couple of paragraphs now.' I nod and pull a chair next to her and for the next couple of hours we write the essay on Hitler, and every now and again Jade shakes her head and backspaces the last sentence I've written. 'No, no, It doesn't flow Shapiro.' And I'll mumble an apology and she'll rewrite and we'll move on. This is a constant cycle. Eventually we get tired and Jade stops typing and pushes herself away from the desk, her chair sliding backwards over the wooden floor.
'Hitler was a pretty fucked up guy.' Jade states and I nod.
'Yeah, he was.'
Suddenly she frowns and spins away from me, so all I can see is her midnight hair and her back. I want to see her face. 'Guess we're all a little fucked up, right?' Her voice is quiet. I know by her tone she doesn't require an answer so I just make sure our work is saved and close the desktop down. I hear Jade sigh behind me. I have no idea what to say and my brain fumbles for some words to answer her, anything at all but all I draw is a blank.
'I don't think Hitler was the only messed up guy in Germany at that point, though.' I try lamely and thankfully, Jade nods.
'It's what power does to a person, I guess.' she pauses and her frown becomes deeper, her forehead creasing. I'm wondering what she's thinking about now, as I always seem to be doing when I'm around Jade, constantly in a state of mild confusion, when suddenly her head snaps back up and she winks at me. I'm a little scared. 'I think even you might turn a little crazy if you had that much control, puppet-boy.'
'…You think?' I'm still trying to recover from the minor heart attack the wink gave me.
'Yep, you'd totally lose it. You'd be a right psycho. Wouldn't be able to handle it. The weird king and his puppet ruling the land in a reign of terror.'
I attempt a smile but it doesn't quite reach my eyes and Jade's laughing expression slips. 'Hey, what up Shapiro?'
I swallow thickly. 'People already think I'm a psycho, Jade. With Rex and…stuff'
She looks at me straight in the face, blue eyes and winged eyeliner and long black lashes. 'Robbie, everyone's got problems of some kind, some people are just better at hiding them, is all. Like I said, we're all a little fucked up.'
/
I can't believe my mother wouldn't let me borrow the car this morning. She wasn't even going anywhere, apart from shopping later on. She could get the subway, or the tram! I'm still mentally grumbling as I have been all day, even as I trudge home from school, y half an hour walk ahead of me. My legs hurt from the stage-fighting exercise we did where I'm pretty sure Sinjin actually injured me, and I just want to be at home so I can eat and be with my laptop, but no, my mother had to be selfish and insist I leave the car at home. Joyful, I think sarcastically. I dig in my bag for my pear-pod and wrench it out triumphantly, anything to make this walk more bearable and am about to select a song when it flickers and dies in my hand. Brilliant, just brilliant.
Without warning a car pulls up next to me and I jump out of the way as it screeches to a stop right beside me. Oh god, I'm being picked up by a peadophile. Say no, Robbie! The window rolls down and I'm just about to leg it when Jade's face sticks out of the opening and looks at me amusedly.
'Chill, Shapiro, I'm not going to murder you.'
'I-I thought you were a pedophile.' I mumble, my cheeks already flaming red and Jade barks in laughter. 'Get in loser, we're going shopping.' I stare incredulously at her for a moment.
'You do realise you just quoted Mean Girls?'
She blanches. 'Shit, I forgot you were a dork. Of course you've seen Mean Girls, even if you are…' she smiles at me liltingly. '…a guy. Now get in.'
I practically run round the back of the car. Something tells me I wouldn't be entirely safe from being ploughed down if I went round the front, and jump in the passenger side. She doesn't acknowledge that I've actually got into the car though and starts to speed dangerously fast away down the street without even looking at me. After I get over the shock of how freaking fast we're moving, I start to laugh quietly to myself and Jade throws me a glare before re-concentrating on the road. I find myself laughing harder, trying hard to suppress it and giggling uncontrollably and eventually Jade cracks.
'WHAT?! God, you're worse than Cat!'
I take a gulp of air before sniggering. 'Just didn't have you pegged as the kind of girl to quote Mean Girls is all.'
Jade scowls and refuses to look my in the eye, which makes me grin. 'I didn't think you'd recognise the reference. It just slipped out. It's not my fault you're particularly in touch with your feminine side, Shapiro.' Even her teasing can't stop the smile still in place on my face and she frowns at me again and flexes her hands on the steering wheel. 'Shut up.' she spits.
'I didn't say anything.' I snicker.
'Shapiro!' There's a warning tone to her voice and I immediately drop it and struggle to make my expression serious once again. The streets we're now flying down (I'm sure Jade is well a hundred times over the speed limit) I don't recognise and suddenly my serious expression isn't so forced.
'Err, Jade, where are you taking me?' I see her smirk reflected in the wing mirror and there's a glint in her eye I definitely don't like the look of.
'I'm taking you shopping.' she says simply.
'Okaayy…where?'
She grins jubilantly at me and I have the urge to throw myself out of the moving car because it's quite terrifying.
'We're going pet shopping' Pause for effect while Jade virtually beams at me. 'For snakes.' I baulk.
'We're what?!'
'Snake shopping. For my new pet.' A manic like grin slides across her face and I lean as far away from her as I can without falling out of the car.
'That is not normal.' I shiver. If there's one creature I hate it's snakes. They creepy, okay? Beady little eyes, no legs, just slither slither everywhere. Over you. They can kill you! I mention this and Jade laughs.
'I'm not getting a boa constrictor, Shapiro. Just a grass snake. Still, they're pretty cool.'
I spend the next couple of hours wandering around after Jade, keeping a safe distance as she picks up snakes and fondles them, trying to pick one for her pet. She currently has one draped around her neck and is trying to encourage me to stroke it.
'No way, Jade.'
'Oh, c'mon Creek, it won't hurt you!'
'You don't know that!' I yelp and jump away as she swings the snake's head towards me, menacingly. 'Jade!'
'Urgh, you're such a baby!' She re-cradles the snake and starts to stroke its scales, looking lovingly down at it.
'Then you should have got Beck to come snake shopping with you!' I squawk and Jade's hands slip petting the snake for a second.
'Beck…couldn't come, Shapiro.'
I mumble that he's sensible not to and she glares at me, but it's halfhearted. I dismiss it when the store owner comes over and Jade smiles like there's nothing wrong and says she would like the snake she's petting now please, and thank you. She's using manners! She must really want this animal. Ten minutes later we're striding out the store, Jade holding a plastic carrier with it inside and her crooning soft words to it, in a voice I've never heard her use before. I eye her warily.
'You're so weird.'
'You just figured huh? Careful, I'm also your ride home.' She places the box gently in the back seat with more care than I've seen her give anything before and I glance to make sure it's on the seat securely.
'I think I'm going to call it Jo-Jo.' she states with a smile and I let out a noise of mild horror.
'Seriously? A snake called Jo-Jo?'
'Deal with it Shapiro.'
I lean back in my chair with a sigh and spend the rest of the journey keeping a watchful eye over the thing in the backseat and attempting to stop Jade from completely destroying the speed barrier.
/
It's exactly 01:23 am in the morning when my phone rings. I know because it woke me up from a dream I was having. As soon as the beeping registered in my dream fogged brain, the details started to slip away, but I can remember only colours and a large presence of the shade black. I don't quite know what this means. I snatch my phone from my bedside table. I'm still half comatose- I don't see who's calling before I swipe the phone to answer, my voice groggy and unsteady.
'..'Lo?'
'I'm drunk. Come pick me up.'
'Uhh…it's the middle of the night.'
'It's half one. Hardly that late for a friday night.'
The sleepy murkiness lifts enough for me to be able to recognise the voice on the other end of the line. 'Jade?'
'Bingo. Now are you coming to pick me up or not?' I run a hand through my hair, an act I've picked up from Beck subconsciously, and sit up in bed.
'Are you okay?'
'I'm just peachy Shapiro, but probably shouldn't be driving right now. You should be proud of me, I'm actually putting safety first.'
'Where are you? Are you alone?'
I hear Jade exhale on the other end of the line and the sound filters through full of static and the line crackles. 'Jade?' I'm worried now and I swing my legs out of bed and stand up, already looking for the clothes I threw off last night. '…Jade!?'
'Robbie,' she answers flatly and I frown.
I locate my shirt and throw it on.
''Jade, please tell me you're okay and-'
'I'm at 5th Avenue and 3rd. At the Garcia's house.'
I squeak and miss a button on my shirt. 'Jade that's a really dodgy area! You don't know what could happen. It's got the highest crime rate in LA! I…'
I trail off when I notice the other end has gone dead and I'm talking to the disengaged tone, so I hang up with a sigh. I finish dressing clumsily, my hands shaking for some reason and pocket my phone. I shouldn't be sneaking out. I haven't exactly got a curfew, but I'm pretty sure this wouldn't be allowed, and if my mother finds out, I'll be grounded for goodness know how long. Not that I go out that much either. But still. I tiptoe past the master bedroom and freeze when the floorboard creaks in protest under my footsteps but the thought of Jade in that area, possibly alone (because she never actually answered me) makes me move forward cautiously and I slip downstairs and out of the graciously unlocked back door without much more sound. My mother's car however starts with a roar that I'm prettified will wake the whole household, and I throw the car into reverse as quickly as possible and exit the driveway, begging under my breath that my parents don't hear me. They might wake and notice the car gone too, and then I'm in serious chizz, but it's (save?) pick up Jade now, think about it later.
The drive there creeps me out. I've never enjoyed driving at night in the dark and the closer I get to where Jade said she would be, the less the roads are lit and the longer the shadows seem to stretch. I keep expecting something to jump out in front of the car any second and I grip the steering wheel fiercely, ready to swerve any second. The whole area seems oddly dead too, and I'm just about to pull over and nervously call Jade when I spot a lone figure, wrapped in darkness emerging form the shadows. I'm pretty sure I'd recognise that silhouette anywhere. Jade is walking along the sidewalk slowly and rather unsteadily, holding her phone out in front of her like a flashlight. I draw up alongside her and she swings to face the car, a snarl in place in her face until she sees who's sitting in the driver seat. I roll down the window slowly and attempt a joke, unsure of what else to say.
'Taxi for Miss West?'
She gives a half smile and crosses in front of the car to climb in, slumping down into the seat as soon as she gets in. The black dress she's wearing is short and almost see through in places, revealing creamy white skin. Dark make up that's smudged slightly now makes her eyes look striking. I'd be a fool to say she doesn't look absolutely gorgeous. I take another look at her as I start to make an (illegal) U-turn on the eerily empty street. Hey, I've already broken a few rules this evening, what's one more? I think the girl sitting next to me is rubbing off on me. However, she looks tired and her face is drawn, unsmiling. She's taken off her black spiky heels and her feet are red and sore looking. I know we're still pretty far away from the house she told me. Did she walk all this way? When I ask, she just shrugs.
'Jade what happened?'
'Nothing.'
'Jade, I can tell-'
'Shapiro, it's really none of your business.'
I actually direct her (an attempt at a) glare at her at this point, I think it's very much my business. I snuck out of my house, possibly risking my social freedom and god knows what else, half way through the night, just to pick her up.
'Jade, it's the middle of the night and i just picked you up form a street corner! Something- something is wrong. Tell me! Without me, you'd still be walking home, y'know. I- I care!' My voice is high pitched and squeaky and I grimace internally but Jade just smiles at me. A small, sad smile that doesn't reach her eyes and I fight the urge to reach over the console and touch her in some way, but I know such an action would only end in tears. And they would be mine, most likely of pain. Instead I flick the radio on to fill the silence that's creeping in to the car. If she won't talk about it, maybe I can distract her.
'This music is awful Shapiro.'
I smile sheepishly. 'I think there's some CDs in the glove box, take a look.' She leans forward to click it open and starts to rummage through the albums there, pulling a couple out.
'Michael Jackson? The Les Mis soundtrack? Seriously Shapiro?' I wince.
'They're not mine, I didn't know what was in there, it's not my car. It's my mother's' I admit and Jade laughs, the first genuine smile I've seen all evening.
'Has ickle Robbie-kins not got his own car?'
I shake my head no, and direct my eyes back on the road. Jade apparently settles for a Queen CD and the start of '7 Seas of Rye' filters out of the speakers. Jade hums along.
'You don't seem that drunk, not like last time.' I was thinking about it, but it kind of slipped out and I cringe inwardly. Way to go, Shapiro. Surprisingly, Jade doesn't bite my head off, instead she answers calmly.
'I only had a couple. Still thought I was over the limit though. It's called being conscientious Shapiro.' she quips and I smile.
'Good. I'm glad you asked me, at least- you're safe.' Jade rolls her eyes.
Pause.
'H-how was the party?'
'Lame.'
'Really?'
'It was shit Shapiro. Probably the shittiest night of my life. You didn't miss much, you happy?' I just stare at the road before us, concentrating on not messing up the driving, but noticing Jade's angry sarcasm. What the hell happened in there to make her ditch, walk half a mile in heels and ask him, of all people, for a lift home? Not to mention Beck's yet again missing presence. The girl sitting beside me looks like half of the girl I'm accustomed to seeing sweeping the hallways of Hollywood arts. I'm going to murder Beck when I see him, with a sharp pointy object, leaving Jade like this. My own anger takes me by surprise and I grip the wheel harder, knuckles shining white in the dimes of the front seat.
'….Wanna talk about it?'
Jade glares at me. "No.'
'Wanna talk about something else?'
She rolls her eyes and a smile twitches at the corner of her mouth. 'Home, Jeeves.' I chuckle. Five minutes later and Jade is asleep, curled up in the front seat with her legs folded up underneath her, and she's till like this when I draw up at her driveway and kill the engine.
'J-Jade?' She doesn't stir. 'Jade?' I shake her slightly and she stretches, like a cat, and blinks in confusion before her gaze settles on me and she sits up, and opens the door.
'Cheers, Shapiro.' The car door shuts with a click and I watch as her shadowy figure slips through the chink of light made by the opening of her front door and disappears.
The dashboard informs me it's 3:16 in the morning and I have the odd urge just to drive around till morning, watch the sunrise somewhere, eat breakfast out, but my mother's car is missing and my bed is empty and my family would freak out, so reluctantly I drive home, but I'm sure sleep isn't coming anytime soon.
/
'Shapiro?' I glimpse my digital clock, 11:05pm. Not that I doesn't appreciate Jade talking to me, but I wish that Jade would pick more convenient times to call, preferably when I'm not just drifting off to sleep. Apparently calling at random points had become a new hobby of Jade's in the past couple of weeks, and I'm still at a loss to understand why. Jade never says much, just demands that I stop everything to talk to her than sits on the other end as I fill her silence with awkward nervous rambling on whatever pops in to my mind. I think I talked about the chemical makeup of salt for a least five minutes last time, just babbling what probably sounded like nonsense to her, boring her silly. She always hangs up eventually, and I always sit there, staring at the phone for minutes after, wondering what the hell is going through the girl's mind. I wonder why she's phoning me, just like I wondered why she picked me for a ride home that evening. I just wish I understood. But Jade has always been cryptic, to say the least. She remains an enigma.
'Look Jade, right now isn't the time. I've got an English mid-term tomorrow that's worth half my grade, so I need to sleep and-'
Jade cuts me off. 'He broke up with me.'
'-you're not really-' I grip my mobile harder. 'He what?'
I hear Jade sniff and I realise she's trying very hard to keep it together for this conversation, which makes me question, yet again, why she's bothering to have it. Why does she need to tell me? I hear her snuffle and let out a shaky breath and it's a sound so foreign that it horrifies me. I've seen Jade angry, I've seen Jade drunk, I've seen Jade happy and I've seen Jade annoyed, but I have never ever heard Jade cry before. I imagine her sitting alone in her room, clutching her mobile and trying to keep in the tears and my heart feels like it's being squeezed.
'Beck and I broke up. Today. And I-I can't call Cat, she's not picking up, and you always pick up my stupid calls so I figured I'd call you, because I don't feel-' She trails off into muffled sobs and my eyes widen.
'Hey, hey hey. Jade. Jade, he broke up with you? Did he say why?'
'He said it was stale. Cold. Didn't want it anymore.'
For a second my vision clouds red. I can't believe Beck has been such a jerk! So that's why he's been playing the disappearing act recently! And now he's broken it off for good, leaving Jade like…like this. She sounds broken, and I want nothing more than to stitch her back up again right now.
'This is stupid Shapiro, I don't know what I expected you to say.' I just about register her saying and I bolt up in bed.
'No Jade! I'm sorry. Ummmmm….'
She probably won't agree to this, and I'm fully prepared for her to throw my offer back in my face along with merciless teasing, but I find myself saying it anyway.
'Want me to come over?'
There's a pause on the other end and I'm halfway through wishing I could stuff the words back in to my mouth when her voice crackles down the line.
'Thanks, Rob.'
She hangs up, and once again, I sneak out of the house.
/
'Jade! Hey Jade!'
I call down the crowded hallway, buzzing with students nattering as they move from class to class. I see the familiar flash of black whip hurriedly round a corner to the English corridor and I give up and lower my voice. She heard me, I know she did. I thought she'd turn around; I really did, especially after last week. After what happened.
I'd driven to Jade's to find her in a mess, her room an upside-down tip from where she'd thrown things around in a mad rage and then lost all energy to clear it all up again. There were pictures of them together strewn like snowflakes across her bed, but now with Beck's head angrily snipped out. Paper cut like ribbons covering every surface. And Jade sitting in the middle of it all just staring into the middle distance, covered in paper cuts. She'd cried a lot that night. She was like this baby little bird with an injured wing, unable to fly. Beck snapped it right off when he broke up with her.
She'd fallen asleep eventually, after she'd got it all out of her system. I didn't say much, just told her over and over again that she deserved better, that Beck was an idiot for letting her go, that she needed someone who would treat her right, and it wasn't Beck. Someone else would come along. I didn't quite realise what I was saying, at that point but it turns out Beck had been cheating on her for the last three months. Tori for a bit, but others girls too. Tori had eventually felt so guilty she'd broken it off and he'd just moved on the next one. Jade's jealous rage weren't exactly un-provoked from the start. She'd looked at me like I was crazy, that I was a lunatic for thinking that things would get better. She'd looked at me and I could already see the tears gathering in the corner of her eyes, even though she was trying her hardest to bite them back, and I wanted to tell her to stop- stop because it was causing her pain to talk to me and I didn't want her to add any more for my benefit. I don't want to see her cry ever again. I just wanted her to forget for a while. She was scared of being alone, she said, that she'd been with Beck so long, she'd forgotten how to function properly on her own. That she was frightened. And this cold hard image I'd had of Jade shattered and cracked under her words. Jade West was a human, she could feel fear, she could feel sorrow, and she could definitely feel heart break, and right now her own heart was being torn to pieces.
After she's drifted off I'd found myself looking at her, and I realised that somewhere along the way I'd in some twist of stupid fate that was bound to bring me nothing but internal torture and crippling embarrassment, I'd fallen for the broken girl now sleeping next to me, horror movie addiction and all. Her ice blue eyes and crazy coloured hair, the soft curves of her hips, that I now found myself itching to touch. The pink bow of her lips and the blush across her cheeks. Her vicious sarcasm and her ability to tell it like it is- no bullshit. Her tendency to take no prisoners in an argument, how she'd always get her own way. How she didn't give a fleeting thought to what others thought of her. Her strength, and her beauty.
I was on a suicide mission.
Dear Lord help me, I was in love with Jade.
But she disappeared round the corner without a backwards glance. I shut my locker, pick up my bag and stumble to class.
/
She's leaning on the bonnet of her car, lit cigarette in hand, blowing smoke rings into the wind, tendrils of hair being whipped around her face by the wind. It's the first time I've seen her properly all day and I stop short in the parking lot just to stare.
'Jade?' She raises an eyebrow in my direction and I take it as a sign that it's (maybe) safe to approach her. She watches me, eyebrow still arched as I make my way towards her, but her expression gives away nothing. Is she annoyed by my presence? I haven't a clue.
'I-I didn't know you smoked still. I thought you gave up.' I splutter, once I reach her. Great opening line, Shapiro.
She smirks and takes another drag. 'Yeah well, I did, but times change. And there are a lot of things you don't know about me Shapiro.'
I smile nervously. 'So-so you wanna finish the history project tonight?'
'Can't.'
I blink. 'Can't?'
'Nope, I'm going out with Daniels.'
My eyes widen and I take a step back. 'Like...Ryder Daniels? Like the tool who hurt Tori?'
'He's not a tool Shapiro.'
'Yes!' I squeak, 'He is!'
She rolls her eyes. 'Chill, Shapiro, it's just a date.'
'A date!' I'm practically squealing by now and Jade drops the cigarette with a sigh and grinds it out with the heel of her boot.
'Yes, Shapiro, a date.' She adopts a falsely sweet tone, like one you'd using talking to a five year old and I flinch. 'Like what boys and girls who like each other do.' She drops it and looks at me. 'Not like you've ever been on one.'
And I feel like I've been stabbed. I try to ignore it, but I take another step back anyway and tears prick at my eyes. Man up, Shapiro! But her words hurt. She smirks at me. Cruelly.
'W-what about Beck? Are you over him already?'
'Weren't you the one telling me another person would come along Shapiro? Well, I've moved on, and I've chosen Daniels and he suits me just fine. It's fun, not like with Beck. We were always too serious. Daniels doesn't care about that stuff. So just scurry along and go play with your puppet Shapiro.'
She turns to unlock her car and I find myself grabbing her arm to stop her and she wrenches my hand off her. 'What the hell Robbie?'
'I can't let you go out with him! He's a nasty piece of work!'
She sneers at me, malice written all over her face. 'You can't let me? Who the chizz do you think you are Shapiro, my father?'
'Why are you being such a...such a bitch Jade?!'
'Didn't anyone tell you Shapiro? I am a bitch. My own boyfriend got tired of me being a gank so much he went off with other girls. He doesn't want to be with me because he got tired of me. I am a bitch Shapiro, get used to it.'
Before I can do anything she climbs into the car, slams the door and I have to jump out of the way so she doesn't run me over. My last thought as I see the car zoom out of the lot is how I always end up watching her leave.
/
I'm at the same house as I was the evening that started this whole charade, this stupid game I seem to be participating in, one I certainly didn't volunteer for. The same house, and to be honest it could be the same party. Identical shockingly bad music, same overly hormonal teenagers and the same thumping behind my eyes. There was a reason I never went to house parties, but i'm here for one thing entirely, and only this time, I can't find Jade.
I know she's here somewhere, I watched her walk in, hanging off Daniel's arm they way she used to Beck. Just like she's been doing every minute she can recently. Well that, and avoiding all forms of contact I've tried making with her. She's treating me like I've got a contagious disease and I'm not yet out of quarantine yet. And if this fictional disease doesn't kill me, she will. I haven't talked to her since in the parking lot and that was four days ago.
A girl knocks into me when I reach the top of a flight of stairs and I grab her around the middle to stop us from both plunging down the steps whilst she flings her arms around my neck and I find myself cradling her in my arms to stop her from falling. Once we're both steadied my cheeks heat up furiously. I don't know what to do, my limbs feel frozen and she's squashed up against my shirt and her breath is on my neck. I'm acutely aware of how close she is.
'Errrrr… careful, there,' I stammer and the girl looks up and beams me a smile that would disarm any normal guy, I'm sure, but not me. I've still got a look out for a certain teenager dressed in black. The girl giggles breathily.
'My hero….' she whispers. I laugh awkwardly. She looks pretty out of it, alcohol rolling off her breath and eyes the size of saucers. A flirty drunk then. And I know there's much stronger stuff than beer floating around this party. Her gaggle of girlfriends laugh behind her and I prise her fingers off me. She pouts.
'Sorry.' I mutter, side-stepping round her and continuing to scan the crowds for Jade's distinct hair. Something that belongs to Jade.
'Looking for someone?' I nearly break my neck I turn around so fast. She's leaning against a wall, red cup in hand and her studded eyebrow raised.
'Jade!' I exclaim and she straightens up against the wall. She looks irritated, but I've learnt by now that's sort of a given when it comes to Jade. Still, I approach her carefully and she looks me up and down with her eyes. Just a flicker of her eyes but I feel like I've just been deep-body scanned. Did she just-? I dismiss that thought, I'm not crazy. Yet.
'That's my name, Shapiro. I assume it was me you were looking for?'
I nod my head slowly because I've got distracted staring at her. Skin tight, dark green top cut generously low and exposing her ivory skin; her favourite skirt showing long legs and a pair of black Dr Martens on her feet; midnight hair curling past her shoulders, framing her face that's partly covered by shadows. Striking. Stunning. She looks knock-out, like some sort of punk angel. I catch my self just before my jaw drops- or something equally stupid- and snap my attention back up to her face. It isn't much better.
I wonder if she knows I'm checking her out and if she does, why isn't she just stalking away like usual? Maybe the angel analogy was wrong-maybe she's just the opposite. I feel like she's playing mind-games with me. I rub the back of my head; I can feel the headache that was already forming spreading- I wonder haphazardly if the bathroom upstairs has any aspirin.
'So, you're talking to me again, are you?' I don't mean my tone to be accusatory, but it comes out that way anyway and Jade fixes me with a cold look but I don't back up. I'm annoyed at these damn circles Jade is running around me, how I can never tell what she's thinking.
'You were following me around like a lost puppy, Shapiro. I got bored of it.'
'Right.' Her attitude from earlier hasn't seemed to soften any. 'Well, are you okay?'
'What is it with you and asking if I'm okay, Shapiro? I'm fine!' she spits, her forehead creasing. I pause a moment to give her time to cool off, and glance around the room. Other than the gyrating teenagers, wilted pot plants, and creepy family photographs of the unknown girl on the wall, I can't see him.
'Where's Ryder?' Jade knocks back her drink and shrugs languidly.
'Somewhere. I don't care.' She's bluffing I can tell, by the way she blinks too many times and the way her shoulders drop when she's talking. I may have been watching Jade just a little too hard recently to recognise the signs.
'Aren't- aren't you two like a thing now?'
'No. Kinda. I don't know.' Another shrug and Jade inspects the drooping plant next to her, instead of looking at me. A guy falls into her and she pushes him back (violently) into the opposite wall, with her shoulders, and he stumbles to the ground. 'Christ, I need to get out of this hallway,' she snaps, glaring disgustedly at the drunken teens clustering in the narrow space. She finds the front door and flings it open and I follow her, gulping lungfuls of stinging night air into my system. The whole house wafts of weed behind us and I wrinkle my nose.
'Great party.' I mutter sarcastically and Jade grunts and sits on the porch railing, swinging her legs.
'So if you're asking me about Ryder, Shapiro, what about that chick back there, huh?' For a moment I'm confused and I'm flicking over all the girls faces I know in my mind in a panic, but realisation hits me and I know what she's referring to. I find my eyebrows shooting upwards and Jade glowers at me.
'That?!'
'The girl who threw herself at you, yes.' She takes another swig but steals a glance over the top of the cup, eyeballing me intently.
'She-she fell on me. I saved her from falling down the stairs, Jade.' Her lips form a perfect 'O'. A second's pause.
'You should've just let her fall.'
'Jade!' I squark.
'What? The girl's nasty.' She shoots me a look which I don't quite understand. Anger? Contempt? What? But then she starts shivering violently and I'm alerted to the fact that my own skinny arms are covered in goose-pimples and my teeth are chattering too.
'You-you wanna go back in?' I motion with a jab of my thumb back to the party but Jade shakes her head and doesn't move and I shift awkwardly in the spot for a minute.
'You're not gonna stay there are you?'
'I haven't got a ride home. Daniels bought me.'
'I've got my mother's car.' I offer and Jade eye's flick back to the party before they rest on mine and she nods. We climb into my car and I click the heating on and immediately warm air blasts through the vents near the driver's and passenger's seat and I put my hands up in front of them appreciatively.
'It's not a camp-fire, Shapiro.'
'I'm cold!' I reply stubbornly. 'You sure you wanna leave? Won't Dan-. uhh, Ryder be waiting for you?'
Jade looks down in her lap and fiddles with the rings on her fingers, twisting them off her hands.
'No, he won't. He won't even notice I'm gone.'
'I',-I'm sure that's not true.'
'Yeah, it is Shapiro. He doesn't like me. And that's okay, because I don't like him either.'
My heart jumps a little in my chest. I suck in breath and try to calm the sudden upsurge of winged creatures in my stomach.
'Y-You don't?' She shakes her head.
'No. It was-it was just fun, to forget for a while you know? To go out and pretend someone cares. He's a rebound. And a pretty crap one. He's probably drunk off his face in there. He never cared, of course.'
She looks so sad and defeated, her fingers restless and her eyes screwed up, like she's fighting the urge to cry, here in my front seat, with me present, and my heart buckles. This is the Jade I never knew, and I wish this fractured side of her didn't have to exist. I used to think nothing penetrated the hard shell she's built up around herself, but now I'm not so naïve. She's shaking, hardly noticeable little spasms of her shoulders and small soft sounds start to fill the car. She isn't crying, I don't think I can call it that, but she sounds…hopeless. Shaky breaths and gulping swallows.
There's a console between us, yet again, but I reach over and rub her shoulder awkwardly before giving up and pulling her into a hug. My hand finds the back of her head, and I really shouldn't be doing this, but I stroke her hair in what I hope is a comforting manner and her locks slip through my fingers like grains of sand, so soft. She doesn't resist me at all, which surprises me, but I pull her tightly and she snuffles into my shirt. Her hand snakes up my back and embeds itself in the nape of my neck, my hairline and I really really I don't want to let go. Ever.
She pulls away and I let her slip put of my arms and she rubs at her eyes furiously with her sleeves. 'Stupid' she mutters and I shake my head.
'It's not- stupid. And J-Jade? I care.'
She gives me a watery smile. 'Thanks, Shapiro.'
I drive the ten minute journey home in silence while Jade stares out the window at the pitch blackness, seeing nothing, and once again I draw up outside the West household and she turns back around.
'I owe you one Shapiro.'
I smile. 'I think you owe me several, actually.' and she rolls her eyes half-heartedly.
'Jade, do- do me favour yeah, if you owe me one?' I find myself asking, and she narrows her eyes and nods warily.
'Sure, I mean, okay.' The engine is still running and my hand is still on the clutch but I'm looking at her when I say this and her huge blue eyes and her perfect face. Her perfect everything.
'Okay, d-don't ever think you're stupid. Because you're not. I know stupid Jade, and-and it's not you. It's me. I mean look at me. You're b-beautiful and talented and amazing and you don't need Ryder, or Beck to make you feel like that, alright? I-I know this sound silly coming from me but you're a great person. Truly amazing. Really.'
And then Jade West is leaning over the middle of the car and then Jade West is kissing me, and then my head feels like it's going to explode. And the butterflies in my stomach, and my heart, and my everything. Jade West is kissing me and it feels like getting a hundred percent on a test you didn't study for, it feels like laughing so much it hurts and knowing you're happy, it feels like spinning around and around on a round-about in the play-ground when you were five. Her lips on mine and mine on hers and soft sighs and little moans and hands creeping up to tangle in hair and I feel like I'm drowning in everything that is Jade. All encompassing. Fireworks and lightening and thunder, soft skin and tongues and taste and electricity.
We break contact and she pulls away slowly and my eyes flicker back open. She's staring at me wide-eyed, an unreadable expression on her face and just like that it's as if someone's shoved me off a plane without a parachute and I'm free falling back to earth.
'Jade?'
She puts a hand on the door handle. No.
'I'm sorry Robbie. I'm seriously sorry.'
And then she leaves.
/
She's not picking up the phone. It keeps on ringing, ringing in my ear and the sound is drilling into my skull with every note but I don't hang up. It's like my hand is glued to the receiver. She's home, she's got to be home. But she's ignoring me. And for the first time, I think I understand. In the mind of Jade West, that wasn't supposed to happen. Nowhere in the script of her life did it say develop feelings for the nerdy boy with the glasses and the puppet. And now she's panicking, at home, on her own, shutting me out, because it's the only form of control she's got left. I'm the only thing she's got left to influence now and she's shutting me out. Because surely, to not feel is easier, right?
On my drive over there I forget what a stop light is and the cars beep at me obnoxiously, but surprisingly, I find myself not caring. Maybe I'll get a ticket, maybe I won't. The roads are a mass of black and streams of light blurring past my windows and by the time I reach the West household, I'm pretty certain I've broken at least three driving laws. My brain feels like it's short circuiting, repeating the same phrase over and over again. 'Talk to Jade. Gotta talk to Jade'
I don't know if the universe is suddenly working in my favour or something, but when I get to the gate it's unlocked and open a couple of inches, leaving me a gap to slip through, gratefully by-passing the telecom and the awkward conversation with her mother that would have ensued. The lights are off in the house and it kinda looms up at me, big windows full of darkness. Jade's room is at the back of her house, so the lack of apparent life means nothing, but her parents aren't home. Again. It makes me wonder that none of my friends have particularly attentive parents. But we get on, and you'd never know. Jade doesn't mention it, and neither do I. But nights alone in this house while it echoes around you could be pretty lonely, and I wonder what Jade is doing to distract her from both her thoughts and her empty home.
Of course there's no bell on the door because normally people don't get this far without an invite. Sort of like Jade's heart. The irony doesn't escape me. I take a deep breath to steady my physically knocking knees, and knock on the door.
Once.
Twice. I consider leaving, running back to my car.
Three times. The backbone I've sprouted shows signs of disappearing.
The door is flung open and Jade is standing in front of me, messy bun and shredded up Tom Petty shirt, sweatpants with holes and flip-flops on her feet. And furious expression painted across her face.
'Shapiro?!'
I shuffle backwards. 'Uhh, hi.' I attempt and smile lamely. Jade glowers and crosses her arms.
'What the fuck are you doing here?'
'You're gate was open, so I uhh, came on up.' She raises her eyebrows at me.
'Try again Shapiro.'
'I wanted to see you?'
'Nope.'
I frown and inhale. 'I wanted to talk to you. About what happened between us. Last night. Look Jade, can I come in?'
She shrugs and turns her back on me and I find myself following her to the kitchen where she boosts herself up onto the counter-top and I stand awkwardly in front of her. She doesn't speak, just looks at me and I realise she's waiting for me to carry on talking. My mind swims and panics for a couple of seconds.
'Ummm, so I kinda wanted to talk about what happened because it was kinda amazing and I…..really want to do it again?' I trail off and look at Jade hopefully. She's staring at me, arms folded and I nearly run out of the room at my own boldness and the look on her face.
'I…don't think that's wise.' she says and grabs a cigarette packet form the counter, lights up an looks at me with this little sad smile on her face. Like she feels sorry for me or something. Like I deserves pity. I've seen this expression on people's faces enough by now to recognise it. 'Oh look, it's the boy and his puppet. How strange. How sad it must be to be him, with only an imaginary friend to talk to.'
I never thought I'd see it written across Jade's features though, simply because she didn't care. I just am and she took me as I came, puppet and all, even if it was the basis of most of her jokes. No sympathy, no pity talking, just Robbie and Jade.
'What?' I demand, and Jade takes a drag of her cigarette whilst I waft the smoke away half-heartedly with my hand, now glaring back at Jade.
'Nothing happened, Shapiro, okay? Nothing.'
'It wasn't nothing!' I squawk. 'You kissed me Jade!'
'I was drunk.' she replies, her expression settling blankly as she blows smoke out of the side of her mouth.
'Not that drunk. I've seen you worse! And do you have to smoke? We're in your house!' She inhales defiantly.
'Shapiro, I was drunk, it was stupid, forget about it okay? Move on with your life.'
I'm getting angry now, and I clench my fists at my side and close my eyes. When I open them Jade isn't looking at me, but straight ahead at the blank wall opposite. She can't even look me in the eye.
'No Jade. I can't move on with my life. I-I don't want to.' I say shakily, glaring a hole in the side of her head. She twists around to look at me scornfully and stubs out her cigarette in the plant pot next to her.
'So what do you want to do, Shapiro? Tell me what you want from this stupid messed up thing we've created here.'
'I want to go out with you!' I breathe in. 'I- I love you, Jade.' My voice is quiet and small and I'm staring down at my sneakers and the tiled kitchen floor. I hear Jade dislodge herself from the counter.
'Shapiro, look at me.' she says calmly. My head snaps up, eyes fearful. 'You don't love me.'
'I do!'
She makes a noise in the back of her throat of exasperation that sounds like a growl and narrows her eyes at me.
'You don't love me Shapiro. You don't know what love is, alright? Love is giving yourself to a person and then having yourself thrown away in a matter of seconds, like you never even mattered. Love is painful, and it hurts like a bitch, and love is something i''m never ever going to do again, so you don't love me okay? Because you can't, because what's the point of you loving me when I'm not going to love you back? It's a two way street Robbie and I'm a hopeless case because I'm not letting anyone do that again. Not to me. I learnt the hard way. You understand? And where's loving me going to get you, anyway? Alone, with angry thoughts and bitter feelings, just like me, because the person you love doesn't love you back and the world is a horrible place, but you're just gong to have to deal with it Shapiro, because it's not going to happen. So stop loving me now, and do yourself a favour.'
I can do nothing but look at her. She's completely floored me and I so desperately want to hug her but she's looking at me like I'm poison, and for the millionth time I want to hurt Beck for what he's put her thorough.
'Jade, I know Beck hurt you but-'
'SHUT UP!' she screams and I flinch. 'Just stop!'
'Stop what?' I ask timidly.
She flings out her arms and makes a cutting gesture in the air. 'Stop being so fucking understanding, Shapiro! I'm sick of it! You're too nice. I can't deal with it. I'm such a bitch to you and you say nothing! So let's pretend I'm not completely fucked up for a minute. What do you expect Robbie, a relationship where we go to the park and kiss on the swings and go out to dinner with our parents and say I love you all the time, and kiss and cuddle in the night? That's not me Robbie! I don't work like that! As much as you might want me to, I don't.!' She slams her hand down on the counter and i jump.
'Jade, I'm not an idiot. I know what you're like. I get it. You think I'm not going to be awkward?'
'Well, you're acting like one, Shapiro!''
'Jade, just stop. It's okay.' I try reaching out gingerly to touch her but she swerves out of my grasp.
'Stop saying my name in that tone, Shapiro!'
'What tone?'
'Like you understand.'
'I'm trying to.'
'That's the thing, you try too hard, Robbie! Just let it be okay? Just let me be. I'm not saying I don't…..like you. But I can't okay. I just can't right now.' She sighs and drops her hands to her sides, looking at me and I gulp, feeling the bile that's risen up during the conversation (argument) sink back down. She looks so stressed out, on the verge of tears and I curse myself. You did this to her, Shapiro. You couldn't leave her alone? You're so selfish. I run a hand through my hair and feel the energy ebb slowly away.
'Okay.' I say simply and Jade looks at me, a look of relief washing over her features.
'Okay. So, i'll see you in school, Shapiro.'
'Sure, school.' I reply and I turn away from her beautiful face and let myself out of the house, away from her and away from the one happy ending I thought I might get. But Jade never did deal in happy endings, I think. I should've realised that.
/
It's lunch and Cat is squeaking about the latest shenanigans her brother has got up to, bits of the popcorns she's eating flying enthusiastically into the air. Andre is looking at her adoringly, Beck and Tori can't even look at each other and I'm sitting observing it all, as per usual. Jade is nowhere to be seen and secretly I'm praying that she just skips lunch today because If I see her face I think my insides might shrivel up and die, just a little bit. That, or I'll throw myself at her out of desperation. Since Saturday evening I've spent too much time dwelling on the scene in Jade's kitchen and what the chizz I did wrong, and all I've concluded is I want to kiss Jade again. Which looks unlikely. I want to curl up into a ball and cry.
'So this one time, my brother went to the zoo and he like, climbed over the fence to the giraffe enclosure and a giraffe tried to eat his head!' Cat giggles happily and stuffs a piece of popcorn into her mouth. 'But he's alright now!'
'Err, little red, doesn't your brother know the fences are there for a reason?' Andre comments confusedly.
She shakes her head slightly and shrugs. 'No' she draws out the 'o' delightedly. 'I don't think he does.'
He laughs and shakes his head, dreadlocks flying and Cat giggles again at him, making eyes from across the table and twirling her red hair in her fingers flirtatiously. Why they can't just go out together already, I don't know. Apparently someone else feels the same because a voice next to my ear growls and makes me jump.
'For chizz's sake, you two. Just freaking kiss already!' Cat blushes and hides her face with a curtain of red hair and Andre coughs and seems very interested in his notebook all of a sudden. 'Honestly….' I hear her mutter, as Jade drops into the seat next to me. I look at her in surprise and she mimics my expression and shoves her bag under the table. Her hand brushes my knee and I almost choke on my burger.
'Err, hi.' I stutter and she glances at me.
'Hi.' she replies monotonously before slamming her soda can onto the table. I recoil and she seems to soften a fraction. She coughs. 'Hi, Shapiro.' I smile at her.
'Jadey!' Cat cries and I see Jade grimace. 'I've missed you! What happened this weekend? We were supposed to go shopping!''
'Yeah, sorry Cat.' she says and shrugs. 'Something came up.' I narrow my eyes. What came up? What's so important that she can't spend time with (however much Jade protests) her best friend? What has she been doing? My stomach clenches. Was she with Ryder? I swallow thickly and stare down at the plastic table, vaguely hearing Cat reply.
'But it was going to be awesome!' She sniffs and I realise she's actually hurt. This is bad, really bad. Cat almost never gets upset with Jade, not really, just brushes the comments off with a smile. She's actually sniffling and I feel Jade tense up beside me.
'Look, Cat, I needed some time on my own….to think.' Wait, she was on her own?
Cat pulls a confused face and frowns. 'But you think all the time. It's what your brain does. Why do you need extra time for that?'
'Because I had something to consider.' she replies and I'm getting even more confused and worried. What was she thinking about? Winning Beck back? My stomach feels like it's full of eels or something. I feel sick. I don't want my burger anymore and I put it down with a sigh and push it away from me. I steal a glance and Jade and am surprised to find she's looking at me, one eyebrow raised.
'W-what?' I stutter nervously.
She shakes her head at me. Cat interrupts this small exchange again and whines at her friend. 'What were you considering Jade?'
Jade meets her gaze for a second and squares her shoulders, taking a deep breath. What is she doing?
'Whether or not to do this.' she replies cooly and she turns to face me, looking me dead in the eye, her face set. Oh god, what is she doing?'
'You ready?' she whispers. I blink confusedly. Ready for what? What is she doing. I'm not-what? The girl is crazy.
'Err, n-no?' I stammer and she smirks at me.
'Too bad, Shapiro.'
And she closes the space between us, leans in and kisses me, here in the Ashphalt cafe, in front of everyone, and I'm Robbie Shapiro kissing Jade West with her hand on my knee and her tongue in my mouth. I can't believe this is happening, and if I couldn't feel her lips moving against mine, hot and sweet and like a little like grape soda, I'd swear this was a dream, something of my own imagining because I've wanted it so bad. Just like last time it sends me shivering and I claw at her hair to try keep an anchor somewhere on earth but it just deepens the kiss and her tongue probes just a little bit more and oh god she's kissing me.
I hear someone dog-whistle when we pull away, from somewhere in the back of the cafe, and I grin but i'm still concentrating on trying to stop the room from , Andre, Beck and Tori (all of which I'd forgotten were there) are staring at the both of us open mouthed, shocked into silence. And I think I'm in a similar position. I gape at her.
'You-what-I mean-you kissed me!' I cry.
She rolls her eyes at me and picks up her soda can again and takes a slip, eyeing everybody at the table. No one says a word, they just stare at us, identical expressions of surprise on each of their faces. She raises an eyebrow. 'What, has no one got anything to say about that?' She drawls her words and smirks when no one reacts.
'I do!' I exclaim, mouth still hanging open, the taste of grape soda tingling on my lips. Jade ignores me.
Andre stutters to life suddenly. "So, are you two, like, together now?' Tori shuts her jaw with a snap and looks at Jade questioningly while Cat inhales excitedly. Beck still looks like he's been hit by lightening. I look at Jade. Is that what she's saying? Oh please God let that be what she's saying.
Jade slides the hand she's had resting on my knee higher and my breath dies in my throat. I can't breathe. One more inch and I'll be dead. What is she doing? Andre seems to notice my face and lack of oxygen and Jade's wandering hand and his eyes widen and flick between us before he coughs. 'I think I'll take that as a yes. Err, guys, I say we head off, and leave Jade and Robbie…to talk about this.' He gets to his feet and Tori follows him.
'Err okay then…. guys, I'm really happy for you two.' she says, a disbelieving frown still on her face. Jade grunts.
'Thanks Vega.'
Cat giggles and claps her hands, bouncing to her feet. 'Yay, Jadey! I'm so happy for you too!' She gets an eye roll in return and I attempt a smile but Jade's fingers twitch and I stop, unable to think of anything else. Beck, gets up, still staring at us both, and without a word, he slopes off after the others. Jade removes her hand and I gasp.
'What was that?' I squeak. Jade winks at me.
'A clever strategy to get our friends to move along. And it worked. Ten points to me' she says brightly. I'm still struggling for words.
'And- and the kiss?'
Her smile drops and she looks at me seriously. 'I'm not saying it's going to be easy, Robbie. It'll probably be fucking difficult and we'll feel like killing each other every other day, but I guess I've been thinking, and if what you said still stands, we could give this a go. But you're mine now, Shapiro, okay?'
As usual when I'm around Jade my brain has abandoned me. 'Okay.' I say and Jade gives me a sly smile before cupping my chin and attaching her lips to mine again, and it wasn't a lie. Everything about this is totally, utterly and perfectly okay.
A/N: I can't promise you cookies, but reviews are love, and if you're lucky I might love you in return and that's as good as cookies, right? No seriously, tell me if I'm going horribly wrong yeah?