I sure hope you guys are excited about this, because I know I am. This is the end result of a conversation I had with a wonderful person who is remarkably parody-inspiring even before you take her own parody works, which are also inspirational.

I feel that I should warn everyone who reads this fic that the best parodies are those with element in truth. If you don't understand why this is a warning, then I probably wrote this for you. On a final note, this fic is NOT intended to bash anybody. It's just the way things are.

THE PERFECT HIEAD ROMANCE FIC
...except for that whole "Hiead" part
by Kay Willow

One seemingly normal day, Hiead was ranting at his incompetent Repairer when suddenly he realized that he was in love with her. As a matter of fact, so in love with Ikhny Allecto was he, he needed to stop right in the middle of his emotional battering and express his love for her. So he grabbed Ikhny by the shoulders and kissed her passionately.

When he drew back and Ikhny was released, his newfound love shrank away fearfully, hit the wall, and slid down it to huddle on the floor in a fetal position.

"Oh, God, he's going to rape me, please make it stop don't let him touch me oh God no--"

So Hiead, reluctantly, acknowledged that Ikhny was not His One And Only True Love.

3 3 3 3 3

One seemingly normal day, Hiead was fighting with his most loathed rival when suddenly he realized that he was in love with him. As a matter of fact, so in love with Zero Enna was he, he needed to stop right in the middle of his enraged fistfight and express his love for him. So he grabbed Zero by the shoulders and kissed him passionately.

When he drew back and Zero was released, his newfound love stared at him in disbelief, and then fury and outrage darkened his face.

"That is SO DISGUSTING, you SICK FUCK!"

And so Hiead, upon waking up in the clinic and hearing from the nurses what had happened, acknowledged that Zero was not his One And Only True Love.

3 3 3 3 3

One seemingly normal day, Hiead was gazing adoringly upon the mysterious female Candidate with EX when he suddenly realized that he was in love with her. As a matter of fact, so in love with Mary Sue was he, he needed to stop right in the middle of his worshipful contemplation of her perfect features and brutally abuse her, because it is well-established that violence is how he expresses his repressed emotions. So he grabbed Mary Sue by the hair and tortured her to death horribly.

When he reared back from the bloody corpse, it struck him that while this was surely the closest he'd ever been, Mary Sue was also not his One And Only True Love, because he was enjoying her being dead way too much. (After all, it stopped her from prating endlessly about how cool and handsome he was, and also reminding him how tragic and yet perfect she herself was.)

Hiead sighed. "Hmm. I seem to have run out of romantic interests. Ah, well. I guess I'd better go pull the wings off of butterflies until a new one comes along. I only want someone to care about me for ME."

Come on, admit it. It IS the perfect Hiead romance fic. *puts on flame-retardant suit* Any people who have no sense of humor and have nothing better to do than screech at me that Hiead is really a warm and loving sweetheart, deep down inside, who wants nothing more than to write poetry for his One And Only True Love... well, their commentary isn't worth more than sharing a laugh with friends. So flame if you really want. I'm a college student in upstate New York: we can use the heating.

--Kay Willow
http://dualpotential.net