"I've said it before, Lizzy," Ciel sighs, hiding his mouth behind his papers, not even looking at her, "I just can't tell you right now. I will -"
"You'll tell me later," she interrupts. "I've heard it before, and I've heard it enough." She walks up, looking down at him, sitting there, seemingly unaffected, aside from the little tick next to his mouth that tells her he is starting to get annoyed. Annoyed at her. He dares. Somthing in her, somthing tight finally snaps. She nearly imagines she can hear the sound.
She walks calmly to the door and feels as if she can hear him exhale in relief that the confrontation they seem to be having monthly since their wedding is over. She walks outside for a few steps and takes a deep breath.
"Sebastian." she calls.
"Yes, young mistress, is there something I can do for you?" Sebastian says, appearing from a door to her left. It's been a few years since she finally just had to deal with the fact she didn't need to search for him, he'd always be just there when she calls him. Dealt with it, but didn't accept it, because she didn't understand and damnit, Ciel.
"Ciel and I need to have a conversation." she says. There has always been something eery about him, but she never could put her finger on it and in the years after Ciel finally came back she didn't want to question it, because she was just so grateful to him, for bringing Ciel back to her.
But she knows instinctively that if she wants her request, no her order to be obeyed she can't look down, she can't appear weak. Never weak. So she looks him straight in the eye and says: "We are not to be interrupted until I, personally, say otherwise. No matter what you hear, no matter what Ciel says, you will stay away and keep everyone else out of his study, too. Am I being clear?"
Sebastian looks shocked for a tiny moment and the only thing she can feel is intense satisfaction that she rattled him, that she showed him what she is made of. And then a sly smile crosses his lips and he bows low.
"I cannot promise that I can stay away, if the young master Orders me to." And she would interrupt, demand his acquicense again, if she couldn't almost hear the capital letter he had implied.
"But rest assured, I will interrupt for nothing less than one of his Orders and I daresay if he is forced to do so, many of your questions will be answered regardless." He straightens up and gives her another smile, that seems to be even more delighted than before.
"I wish you luck with your endeavour, mistress, I will find the others and relay your order." And with another bow he is off. There is a warm glow in her breast, at being acknowledged, respected by Sebastian, who only ever seemed to hold Ciel in any esteem that she carries back with her to the study.
She goes back in and locks the door behind her, and the sound of the lock finally makes Ciel look up.
"Wha-" he says, half rising.
"I'm done, Ciel. Done with the lies, the hiding, the evading, the "I will tell you later"s." She says, looking directly into his eyes. She can see him draw the breath for his the reflexive answer , but something in her face must tell him it's useless, because he deflates and sinks back into his chair, looking utterly defeated.
It makes her heart twinge in her chest and for a moment she thinks about changing her mind, about rushing around the desk, taking him into her arms and reassuring him that he wont have to tell her today, that she can keep being his refuge, his safe place, the one thing untainted in his life.
But she reminds herself, that this is not how a Lady Phantomhive can act. That this is how Ciel's mother acted and that it got her killed. That while it would spare Ciel pain now, it doesn't help him. She can't help him, if he doesn't trust her, if he can't trust her not to leave him. She has tried everything else to make him believe that she is his sure thing, that she is with him until death does them part.
The only thing she is left with, is to show him that she is strong. Strong enough to handle anything. Strong enough to carry a bit of his burden. Strong enough to love him.
So instead of rushing over, of holding him like she wants to, she walks calmly to the chair in front of his desk. She measures her steps, her breathing and even though it feels like the walk takes forever, she manages not to speed up, to project self-assurance. Because she is scared. She knows that what she will hear in this room will change everything. Irreversibly. It's Pandoras Box and it can't be closed.
Because she suddenly realises, that he will finally tell her. She can see it in the way his mouth is set (It says: This I need to do), his shoulders are drawn up (they say: This I will endure), his hands clasp together (they scream: This I wont let them see) and his eyes look dark (they whisper: This is what I deserve).
Profound relief and terror mix when she settles into her seat, pulling back her shoulders. She looks him into the eyes and says: "What does the Queen's watchdog do?"
It's the first question of many. The last one will be "What is Sebastian?", because she knows it is at once the most important, but also the most inconsequential one. She has asked them many times and got refused. This time Ciel takes a deep breath and answers.
Years later, Elizabeth knows that she walked into the red abyss by her own choice and so she will hold her head up high.