Another One Bites the Dust
Harker: I hate traveling. Food is weird. People are weird. Languages are weird.
Dracula: Welcome to my spooky castle!
Harker: Why are you so pale? Why don't you ever eat? Why do you crawl down the walls of your castle like a spider? Why can't I see your reflect in a mirror?
Dracula: Local customs. Stop asking questions.
Harker: Okay. By the way, I like your three sexy vampirettes.
Dracula: Ain't they cute? He winks.
In England.
Mina: I had a wedding proposal.
Lucy: I had three.
Mina: Bitch. You deserve to die for your pride.
Lucy: Don't worry, my dear, I will.
Meanwhile, at the asylum...
Renfield: Dr. Seward, I want a kitten.
Dr. Seward: I gave you one yesterday. Where is it?
Renfield: No idea. *Burp*
Dr. Seward leaves. Count Dracula comes in.
Dracula: Hi fellow! Wanna be my helper?
Renfield: Sure. Do I get to drink people's blood?
Dracula: Hush! Go back to your flies. I have a lady to corrupt.
Dracula sucks Lucy's blood at night. Van Helsing and Dr. Seward find her pale and sickly in the morning.
Van Helsing: Let's give her a blood transfusion without any regard for blood types or other sanitary considerations. A brave man's blood is the best thing on this earth when a woman is in trouble.
Reader: That's the cheesiest sentence I have ever seen.
Bram Stoker: Shut up!
Lucy dies.
Several nights later, children begin to disappear.
Vampire Lucy: Suffer the little children to come unto me.
Van Helsing: There she is! Kill her!
Dracula: Leave Lucy alone.
Arthur: Hey! You killed my fiancée before I could have sex with her!
Dracula: It not true. You killed her yourself with your stupid blood transfusions. I saved her life, therefore I get to sleep with her.
Arthur: I will save you, Lucy.
Vampire Lucy: Did I ask you anything? Being a vampire is cool.
Arthur: No it's not. I will save your soul.
He puts a stake through her heart.
Meanwhile, newlyweds Mina and Jonathan arrive from Budapest. Dracula goes to see Mina at night.
Mina: Get out or I kill you.
Dracula: You can't kill me. I'm immortal.
Mina: What if I splash you with holy water, shoot you with a silver bullet, put a stake through your heart, cut off your head, fill your mouth with garlic, burn you to ashes and scatter your ashes at a crossroad?
Dracula: Innocent young girls are not what they used to be.
Mina: If you don't leave me alone I'll call my friend Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She kicks asses, so go suck someone else's blood!
Dracula: I will be back! Mouhahahaha!
A few nights later, Jonathan and Van Helsing find Mina sucking Dracula's blood.
Jonathan: What the hell are you doing with my wife?
Mina: Oh, Jonathan, it's nothing. We are merely exchanging bodily fluids...
Dracula: I am actually performing a demonic corruption of marriage.
Van Helsing: Get behind thee, Satan! He brandishes a crucifix.
Dracula: Ouch! Mommy!
He turns into a bat and flies away.
Quincey Morris: Why is Dracula so afraid of religious symbols?
Van Helsing: The use of religious symbols to repel the vampire is a propaganda supporting and strengthening the virtuous principles of the Catholic Church in the Victorian era.
All the others: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh...
Van Helsing: We must kill the vampire who threatens our women's chastity!
The others: All hail Van Helsing!
They go to Transylvania and find Dracula's coffin. They slit his throat while he is sleeping.
Quincey and Arthur: Die, you son of a bitch!
Dracula: So unfair!
He dies.
Reader: Man, that was too easy!
Mina: My soul is tainted...
Quincey: Don't worry. I will wash your sin away by dying in agony in a Christ-like sacrifice.
Mina: Thanks.
Quincey dies.
Some times later, the friends gather to see Mina's newborn child.
Dr. Seward: Your son is cute, Jonathan, but he doesn't look like you. Where did he get his pale skin, his red eyes and his dark hair?
Jonathan: Mina's family, I reckon.
The end