Title: I Don't Look For Trouble (But Trouble Looks For Me)
Author: Proclaim Thy Warrior Soul
Rating: T for Clint and Tony's potty mouths.
Disclaimer: Apparently they're not mine...? I mean, really? Are you sure?
Summary: Clint and Tony and...handcuffs? Oh my...
Author's Notes: Dialogue only. I'm trying something new!
I Don't Look For Trouble (But Trouble Looks For Me)
Time: Unknown
Destination: Unknown
"Hey, Stark?"
"..."
"Stark..."
"I already told you, Feathers. No."
"..."
"..."
"Tony-"
"I'm not doing it."
"..."
"..."
"Sonofabitch..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"What?"
"Could you maybe sit still for a moment? You're wearing me out and I'm only watching!"
"Kinda busy here, Stark. If you hadn't noticed..."
"Wow. Someone sure woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Do you need to be such a jackass about everything?"
"Yeah. Actually, I do."
"Oh."
"..."
"Great, I had to get stuck with the grumpy assassin..."
"..."
"It couldn't have been Natasha, or even Maria Hill. Now there's a competent lady-"
"Look, Stark, you might be okay with sitting on your Armani-clad behind waiting for Steve and the others to come to your rescue, but some of us would like to be out of here before those douchebags come back to finish what they started!"
"..."
"And for the record? This grumpy assassin just saved you from an ass-kicking, okay?"
"..."
"..."
"Yeah, well... No one asked you to, Feathers. As usual you're far too quick to throw yourself into the line of fire. What's up with that, anyway?"
"..."
"Yeah. That's what I thought."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"For goodness sake, Barton! Now you're just dripping blood everywhere. Can you not sit still?"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"That's incredibly unhygienic, you know."
"..."
"Barton!"
"Shut up."
"Don't tell me to-"
"Stark, shut it! Someone's coming..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Guess they didn't feel up to a second visit after all..."
"..."
"Your face must've scared them away..."
"What are you, five?"
"..."
"..."
"You know, Birdbrain, that's an awful lot of blood coming from your wrist there. Are you sure you didn't hit a vein?"
"...It's, uh, not coming from my wrist."
"..."
"..."
"What?"
"I said-"
"Yeah, yeah. I got that part, asshole. But if it's not from your wrist then where else is it from?"
"..."
"Barton..."
"That part isn't important right now. What's important is that I need you to do what I asked you the first time-"
"Quit telling me to shut up!"
"No, before that. Remember?"
"Oh... Right. Yeah, I'm still not doing it."
"Tony!"
"Clint, I am not going to have any part in breaking your damn wrist, okay?"
"I don't need you to break my damn wrist! I just need you to dislocate my thumb so I can get these cuffs off and get us the hell out of here-"
"No."
"Tony-"
"No!"
"..."
"..."
"Look, one of those assholes got in a lucky hit..."
"It's not really lucky when your opponent is cuffed to a goddamn chair, Barton. And I counted way more than just one 'lucky' hit..."
"...and if we don't get out of here real soon then you're going to have to explain to Tasha why you let me die in a pool of my own blood..."
"..."
"..."
"I hate you."
"I know, Stark. I love you too, man. Now, are you ready?"
"...No?"
"..."
"Okay, okay. But just remember, you begged me for this, okay?"
"Yes, Tony..."
"Fine."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Tony..."
"I'm mentally preparing myself, okay? This isn't exactly the highlight of my evening, if you must know."
"..."
"Okay. Here goes nothing..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Are you sure about this? I mean, really... There's got to be another way-"
"Tony-"
"Don't you need your hands in good working order...you know, for your Legolas impersonations?"
"Tony..."
"-and what if you pass out from the pain and bleed to death anyway? I might actually break your wrist, did you think of that? Because then this would've all been for nothing and-"
"Tony!"
"Fine, fine! There, are you happy?"
"..."
"..."
"Goddamnsonofa..."
"Oh god, Clint? Did I- Are you...? Shit, I'm sorry!"
"..."
"Clint?"
"..."
"Clint!"
"...S'okay, man. I'm good..."
"Jesus, Barton. You scared me! I thought..."
"..."
"I hope you know I'm going to need therapy after this is over. And I'm sending you the bill."
"..."
"Barton?"
"..."
"Clint?"
"..."
"Hey, Hawkeye!"
"..."
"Oh, shit. I've killed him..."
"..."
"Clint, wake up!"
"..."
"Barton, so help me..."
"..."
"Oh hell, Feathers, I can hear footsteps. They're coming back! Time to wake up so you can do your assassin thang."
"..."
"Shit, shit, shitshitshit..."
"..."
"Clint? Please tell me you're still alive over there?"
"..."
"Fine. It's okay, just abandon me in my time of need. You carry on snoozing. I'll just...sit here and wait. To be tortured."
"..."
"I'll probably tell them everything they want to know..."
"..."
"Because, let me tell you, blood is a bitch to get out of Armani..."
"..."
"But then you probably already know that."
"..."
"Well, not the Armani part, at least..."
"..."
"You're more of a thrift shop kinda guy, I can tell..."
"..."
"Oh god, they're here! Just remember I warned you, Barton. I don't do well with torture."
"..."
"It's such a messy business..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"-Am I interrupting?"
"What the-? Natasha! Oh, thank god. We thought you were the bad guys... They're not still around, right? And where are the others?"
"They're right behind me. Thor and Banner are rounding up a few strays."
"Thank god. You need to check on Feathers. I think he's...hurt. Bad."
"=Tony? Are you okay?"
"Cap?"
"It's me. Stay still, I'll have you out of those cuffs in no time."
"You need to help Barton-"
"It's okay, Natasha has him. Nat? How's Hawkeye?"
"Not good, Cap. He's losing a lot of blood."
"If he's bleeding it means he's still alive. C'mon, Tony. Up. We need to get out of here now."
"..."
"Can you walk?"
"I'm fine, I'm fine. It's not me you should be helping."
"I've got him, Stark. Get your ass out of here now."
"Such a fine way with words, Ms Romanoff..."
"..."
"And see, Clint. I broke your damned wrist for nothing..."
"What?!"
"Oh, uh...nothing. Nothing. C'mon, guys. Let's get out of here."
Time: 3.24am
Destination: Stark Tower, Medical Wing
"Pepper's right, you know."
"She is."
"..."
"Wait, she is?"
"Yeah, Stark. She is."
"Well, Birdbrain, I'm glad you're feeling well enough to tell me so..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"So, what is she right about?"
"You."
"Oh, that's real insightful, thanks. Did you lose a few brain cells from the knocks you took to the head? Because I'm not sure you had many more to spare..."
"Ha. Ha."
"No, I'm being serious. You took quite a few punches for me the other night and I'm worried for you. I should call Nurse Romanoff. She'll happily tuck you into bed and kiss all your-"
"Yuck. Stark, just stop! Nat's like a sister to me. And I totally don't swing that way..."
"...You don't?"
"No, I don't."
"..."
"That gonna be a problem?"
"Oh, hell no. Each to their own and whatnot... You just caught me by surprise is all."
"..."
"So, is this your way of telling me you think I'm hot?"
"What-?"
"Because you know, if Pepper was suggesting a little three-"
"-Oh god, I am done with this conversation. Get out. Get out of my room."
"Hm. Technically it's my room..."
"Out!"
"Okay, okay, I'm going. We don't need you tearing open your stitches so you bleed out all over the floor again..."
"Goodbye, Stark."
"It was traumatising enough the first time."
"I'm not listening now..."
"So... Can I set you up on a date?"
"Good. Bye."
"Oh, you know what? I think I have the perfect candidate!"
"STARK!"
"Okay, okay. I'm going."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"I never got the chance to thank you, you know."
"Damnit Stark, I thought you'd gone..."
"Nope, still here."
"..."
"So, yeah. Thanks."
"..."
"..."
"You're welcome."
"..."
"..."
"And I'm sorry about, you know, breaking your wrist..."
"It's not broken, Stark. It's just a hairline fracture... And I've shot with far worse, believe me."
"Yeah, well..."
"Now go away. I need my beauty sleep."
"Okay, I'm gone. Just...get better, okay? The team needs its archer back in the game. ASAP."
"...I'll be there, man. You can count on it."
"..."
"..."
"Good."
"..."
"..."
"Goodnight, Tony."
"'Night, Feathers."
End
Author's Notes: So erm... Do you realise how difficult it is to write with dialogue only? I think you should all try it... I hope it reads through okay - if anyone is confuzzled, I'm sorry! It was just a little experiment. I'd love to hear whether you think it works or not! PTWS