MissMerlot75 and Mistakes

Life is certainly far from brilliant for me, despite what you are lead to believe. The incredible expensive car, stunning designer clothes and the option of any bloke in Manchester. It's not what you would want from life and certainly no way of living it. Apartment twelve at Victoria Court seems to portray my life incredibly well. The death, destruction and misery all covered and hidden by layer after layer of repairs and decoration. I often felt like the building that I called home, hiding the past under the strong, fiery façade I played so well.

Everything I love and care for seems to be ripped from me at some point. A man, a home, my own brother and even my baby. The baby I never thought I would have become so desperate to meet. I often imagined the different stages in my daughter's life; her first day of school, her first steps, first words and everyday she lived. Of course I'd never tell anybody of these fantasies. I wouldn't dare. I spent lonely nights in his flat reading through baby name books, imagining my little girl, my angel. Would she suit that name? Could I write that name on a birthday card or picture her as an adult with a name she'd suit as a child. Well, my favourite was Isabella. My beautiful, darling baby would have been Isabella Michelle Barlow. She would have been gorgeous, with mesmerising chocolate brown eyes like her father and long, luscious brunette hair like mine.

Then the knife inside my heart would twist further. Isabella's father, the love of my life. The only man I felt I could go against my own mind and commit to the prospect of motherhood. It was totally the opposite to what was natural to me but it felt so right carrying his child.

Yeah, I suppose you could look at me now and say I'm happy but it's not real. In fact, the fantasies of my baby seem more real than this. I think he even knows, he knows that it will never be him I want to wake up to in a morning or him I dream of every night. I hate watching people hurt but sometimes that's what life does to you. Even though I have Nick, he's not Peter. Peter. God, his name even sends shivers of pleasure down my spine. Then again, gambling thousands after thousands of pounds away gives me shivers, a rush and one that I desperately need to stop. But, each time I feel I can there's a set back. Like driving unexpectedly over a speed bump, slowing you down and preventing you from going any faster. Every time I saw Leanne staring at the sparkling engagement ring on her left hand, wishing and wondering if she hadn't rushed into Victoria Court to rescue me. Maybe then she'd still have Kal. And Sophie, the polite and friendly young daughter of Sally's had lost her girlfriend too; it was all because of me. My addictions, demons and mistakes. Every day that came I pray, pray that this nightmare will end and it'll be me they create a memorial for and not them. I think that way a lot though. If only I had died and not Tina or Isabella. If only. They are the words that rattle round my head all the time.

The days were as lonely as the one before. I would awake alone and fall asleep alone. Two years ago I had everything I could have wanted; the love of my life, Carla, my son Simon adored me, I had my business and a home on the street I had come to love just as much as Carla.

Dad told me not so long ago that Car had shacked up with the Weatherfield Snake, none other than slimy Nick Tilsley. God that man managed to have all of Peter's women. It felt like a dagger through my heart hearing all about their relationship and the difficult time she had gone through with the fire. I wanted to call, text and hold her but it never felt right. I could just imagine her face, those lips I could kiss for years and years would be pulled into a face of disgust and anger. It was my fault we had lost our little girl and that Carla had decided to date the local slimeball.

Her number had never been deleted off my phone, her name and the pictures of us together were still there. I was always keeping her close to my heart, just as much as Simon. On the boat, her picture is the last thing I look at; I admire the beauty of the woman I resented. The angular cheekbones that she would show off when she smiled or when she cried. It ached to be away from her but she is better without me. She's safe and away from harm, and me. Yet why does it feel like my life itself has been taken from me?

It's difficult to fight feelings, especially when they are so strong. That is the only way to describe the way my mind works. I find a new drug, a new addiction to provide pleasure and escapism from the disasters that I manage to make it out of. Alcohol. An escape from all of the hell with Tony, my baby, financial problems at the one constant in my life, Underworld. The booze would take the sting out of the pain before providing it again with even more agony the following morning. I don't just mean a hangover from hell either. Peter. Well, Peter was one drug that even the toughest can't resist. He was the one thing I could never give up. He was the one. Still, he was thousands of miles away soaking up the glaring sun of Antigua, charming as many females as possible. The feeling infuriated me. It seems stupid, even after all this time but you never stop loving someone, especially when that someone is Peter Barlow.

Then of course there is my latest addiction. The gambling. Watching my life and money slip through my fingers like delicate china. It feels like justice though. A relief from the guilt of killing Kal and Maddie and destroying the lives of their loved ones. Even so, I can't keep stealing money from my boyfriend to fund an addiction. Michelle and my therapist reccomed AddictAid and suggest I talk to other addicts. What's the worst that could happen, eh?

Welcome to AddictAid

Hello user, welcome to AddictAid, the online addicts anonymous. This AA is like no other you can share experiences with other addicts, meet up or remain strictly anonymous. Help is at your fingertips and so is the start to your new, addiction free life.

Feel free to chat in groups or alone with other addicts to seek the guidance and support to get back to being you.

Welcome, MissMerlot75, the screen read in front of me. It seemed like an appropriate name. I didn't fancy broadcasting it to the entire world my problems. It was short, sweet and meant Nick had no clue that I was using it.

I logged in to my account after putting the wrong password in five times. The account finally opened and the name LeatherJacket03 flashed up. Personally, I thought it was a cool name but after spending months on the website it seemed pretty cheesy. The subscription was very pointless as nobody had comtacted me or added me. As I hovered over the delete account button, a name flashed up.

MissMerlot75

Hi, I believe you are an addict like me. Could you talk to me about your struggle?

Well, why not? It wasn't as if she would turn out to be the love of my life or one of the many ex-wives.

LeatherJacket03

Sure. Ask away. I am always here to help.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it and Peter and Carla are in character because I am a bit of a novice at writing them! I have had this idea for ages and just fancied trying it. Also, let me know of any errors because I would love to become a good Carter fic writer!

Any reviews would be greatly appreciated! :-)