Michael stood silently at the balcony when Fiona got back to the loft.
Fiona is aware that michael had seen her but he had chosen to look away.
He was a hunched figure,deathly pale.
His hands plunged deep into the pockets of his jeans,his shoulders hunched up against his ears,as if he was trapped in a micro climate ;that it was winter in his world and that he was freezing cold.
"How'd it go with madeline?"?she said,cocking her head to peer up into his downcast face.
He sighed,darting away from eye contact as if it hurt.
His eyes were bloodshot,so dark around the sockets that it looks as though he'd been daubed with coal dust.
"I-" His voice is choked with tears.
Fiona can see him visibly bite down at his lower lip.
"Michael" Fiona says gently,touching his forearm with her fingertips.
He's still not looking at her.
Fiona realises it went worser than she thought.
"She-" Michael starts and then stops.
Fiona looks at him because she's sensed that he's stopped breathing.
He takes a step back.
Doesn't look at Fiona.
He's staring hard and finally exhales.
"She disowned me fi."he finally says.
Fiona is so physically winded by this that she staggers a step backwards.
She is shocked,
gobsmacked really.
Michael is staring at his feet,his shoulders are stating to heave.
Fiona knows that he is crying and momentarily she doesn't quite know how to react,for Michael's sake.
She had never seen him this upset.
She takes a step closer .
His hands still in his pockets.
Occasionally,his voice breaks through the mostly silent,racking sobs.
She slips her arms around his waist and lays her head against his chest.
His heavy heart.
Fiona is relieved to feel,finally,Michaels arms around her.
He's not so much holding her tight,but clinging to her.
"Michael its-" Fiona begins to say but Michael cuts her off.
"i don't blame her fi.
It had only been month since dad died when i left to join the military.i-i was a coward,and selfish and after i left...i didn't look back-not even once.
I made that decision without giving any consideration to ma,or Nate.
And Nate-he-he was just a kid". Michael stammered.
"Being the elder brother,i should have-i should have supported my family".
He gulped.
"But i ran."Michael wiped the droplets if tears that formed at the corners of his eye balls.
Fiona puts her arm around him,a slow and gentle.
Like an adult soothing a child.
"Despite everything ive done...mom and Nate never gave up on me.
They've have always been there for me and i haven't done the same for them.
Nate-he-he just wanted to help me get Anson.
And with everything ive done to him,he still looked up to me as his elder brother.
Moms right-right about everything.I did it Fi-
I"-
"You didn't kill him."Fiona weeps,turning to michael urgently.
"i did."michael says before Fiona can continue.
"i was too hard on him,i was so caught up on my own problems i-
Fiona's fingers go fast to Michael's lips and stares at him intensely.
"Thats enough."she says.
She doesn't think she can absorb any more of this.
Gently,he pulls her fingers away,kisses the palm of her hand while he closes his eyes against the pain of his past.
"For the last five years,ive been getting all this love that i don't deserve.
I'm seen as a victim,not a perpetrator.
All of you think i deserve happiness,that i deserve love.
Hence me running away from a spy. All the burn notice...
and then you fi-
"But Michael"
again he silences her.
"Why do you stay fi?You desrve better than this."
"Maybe so",Fiona says,"But ill be the judge of that-thankyou very much."
"Michael nothing that you do will ever make me feel any less for you.
If anything,its made me love you more."
she says.
He looks at Fiona as if she's an angel.
He looks at Fiona as if she's insane.
His brow furrows.
"Michael-what happened to Nate was terrible.
Almost unfathomable so.
But it was a terrible accident.
It was not your dont need to punish yourself.
Your'e a good man michael.
Otherwise you wouldn't have felt this to the dept the dept that you have."
The knot between his eyebrows remain.
Fiona takes her thumb and gently tries to iron out the crease.
"You didn't kill him michael."she whispers."He died.
He just died.A horrific accident, a tragedy.
And Madeline-she-she has been through a lot of grief in life.
Moreover,she is a mother Michael. She lost her son.
She is likely to act this way She needs time michael,and she needs you.
But it's like you said,she didn't give up on you-and i you can't give up on her.
And i know you never will.
I know you'll do the right thing.
That is why i love you.
You know whats right."she finishes,putting her hand over Michael's.
"Was leaving you the right thing to do?"he asks.
As he turns to her,his eyes swim into hers.
"You can't tell me that was right."
Fiona waits for her moment.
"For every action,there is a price to be paid-and once it is,we-we need to move on.
And i've let go of the past Michael.
I feel how much you love me and you know how much i love you.
Ands that's all that matters...Its OK."
she says softly and lays her arms gently around his shoulders.
"But it hasn't been ok for such a long time".
And his face crumples and tears roll down his eyes.
"This is one fight i don't know how to win fi."
Fiona can blot his tears,kiss them away,whisper hope into his heart,but finally she acknowledges that she can't make it all better in a single day. It will take time.
"Michael-i don't know if love does conquer all. But i know its been your armour to face your battles."
she whispers.
"You will not give up.
You hear me.
You are not losing this." she says clasping his head into her hands and looking intensely into his eyes.
The road ahead may be rocky in places,but it streaches way beyond the horizon to the future.
And from the way Michael finally let himself sink into Fionas embrace,
she knows they're in this together.