Every wizard at Hogwarts liked Christmas a lot
But Voldemort, who was hiding north of Hogwarts, did not.
Voldemort hated Christmas
The whole Christmas season
Now, please don't ask why,
No one quite knows the reason
It could be that Christmas pudding made him sick
It could be he couldn't play all his tricks
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small
But whatever the reason, his heart or his gizzard
He stood there on Christmas Eve hating the wizards
Staring with an evil frown and a hassle
At the warm lighted windows far off in their castle
Where every wizard, he knew was busy now
Hanging a shrivelfig wreath.
'And they're hanging their stockings' he snarled with a sneer.
'Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!'
For tomorrow he knew all the wizards, girls and boys
Would wake bright and early! They'd rush for their toys!
And the noise! Oh the noise, noise, noise, noise!
Then the wizards, young and old, would sit down to a feast
And they'd feast, and they'd feast, and they'd feast –feast-feast-feast!
They'd feast on plum pudding and rare magical beast!
Magical beast was a feast V. Can't stand in the least!
Then the wizards would do something he liked least of all
Then the wizards, large and small,
Would stand hand in hand, with Christmas bells ringing
They'd stand hand in hand and the wizards would start singing!
And they'd sing, and they'd sing, and they'd sing-sing-sing-sing!
And the more You-Know-Who thought of the wizard Christmas Sing,
The more he thought 'I must stop this whole thing!
Why for sixty-six years I've put up with it now!
I must stop Christmas from coming –but how?'
Then he got an idea
An awful idea
You-Know-Who got a wonderful, awful idea.
'I know just the trick' he laughed in his throat.
'I'll make a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat!'
Then he took some cloth and began to stitch
He did it better than Malkin the Witch!
'All I need is a reindeer,' You-Know-Who looked around
But as reindeer are scarce, there were none to be found!
Did that stop the guy?
Of course not! He said 'Why,
'If I can't find a reindeer I'll make one instead!'
Then he got some red thread
And he called Pettigrew the rat
And he tied on a horn, just like a hat.
'Now you can pull my sleigh!'
And Voldemort started down
Toward the castle far off, above the dark town.
Then up to the roof and to high northern tower
And he called up all of his dark power.
Then he went down the chimney, a rather small hole
But if Santa could do it, then so could Vole!
He got stuck only once, for a minute or two
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
In the House of the Gryffindors, where all of the stockings were hung in a row.
"These stockings," he laughed, "Are the first things to go!"
Then Voldemort, silent and swift
Went around the whole room, and he took every gift!
Chess sets! Broomsticks! Boxes of sweets!
Dungbombs! Fireworks! All sorts of treats!
And he put them in bags, and, very nimbly,
Stuffed the bags, one by one, right up the chimbly!
'And now,' said Voldemort, 'I shall stuff up the tree!'
And he took the tree, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound, like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and what did he see,
But a small boy, of year number three?
[Whose name, by the way, was Colin Creevey]
But that doesn't matter, as you will see.
Voldemort had been caught by this small wizard boy
Who had got out of bed to look for a toy.
He stared at the dark lord and said,
'Santy Claus, why? Why are you taking the Christmas tree? Why?'
But you know, that Voldemort was so smart and so slick
That he thought up a lie and he thought it up quick.
'Well, er, you see, there's this light on the tree,
That won't light. Really.
So I'm taking it home to my workshop with me,
I'll fix it up there, and I'll bring it back, see?"
And his fib fooled the boy
And he sent him to bed without his toy.
And when Colin was in bed and asleep
Voldemort took the tree, that old creep!
Then he visited the other Houses too
And every gift was stolen by You-Know-Who!
Then he snuck to the kitchens, and he took the feast
All the plum pudding and magical beast!
And the only crumb left in the whole castle
Was et by a mouse hiding in a bed tassel.
It was quarter past dawn
All the wizards abed
All the wizards a-snooze
When he packed up his sled.
Packed it up high, up the side of Mount Crumpet
Where he rode with his load to the tip-top to dump it.
"Ha to the wizards!" Voldemort said, humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming.
I know just what they'll do.
All the wizards at Hogwarts will all cry 'Boo-hoo'!
That's a sound," said Voldemort, "That I simply must hear,"
So he paused, with a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low, then it started to grow.
But this sound wasn't sad!
This sound sounded merry! It was merry! Very!
All the wizards of Hogwarts, the tall and the small,
Were singing, without any presents at all.
He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming! It came!
Without any presents, it came just the same!
And You-Know-Who, with his feet ice-cold in the snow
Puzzled and puzzled. "How could it be so?
It came without boxes! It came without tags!
It's came without packages, boxes or bags!"
He puzzled and puzzled, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Voldie thought what he hadn't before.
"What if Christmas," he thought, "Doesn't come from a store?
"What if Christmas, just maybe, means a little bit more?"
For a second it seemed that old You-Know-Who
Would change, but he said "Pooh-pooh!
Christmas or not, I'm dumping this stuff!"
And he turned with his load to dump it all off.
But wait! What was that? Coming over the snow?
Like a bird, a small shape, but it seemed to grow.
And suddenly he saw, to his surprise,
A kid on a broom, with his very own eyes.
And as he came nearer, Voldie could see
Who it was! Who it must be! Harry Potter!
The boy cried, "Stop there you rotter!
You make me so sick! You make me so mad!
You're the one who killed my mom and dad!"
What happened next? Well, at Hogwarts they say
That old Voldemort was not seen since that day.
And Harry returned with Pettigrew
And they proved that Sirius' story was true.
Then the wizards all sat down to their feast
Ate all they could, greatest to least.
And Harry himself? Why all he said
Was "Pass more beast!
I'm starving, Fred!"
Thanks and apologies to J K Rowling, whose characters these are, and Dr. Seuss, whose story this is. Or was, he's dead. And yes, I realize that it's not Christmas, but hey! Only about ten more months! This was harder than you may think, by the way. I had to try to remember the whole poem and then corrupt it.