Never
"We have to end this, Crowfeather." I can't believe those words have just left my mouth.
"What?" Crowfeather's voce is shaky, I can tell he's confused, upset… He stares at me, his mouth hanging open slightly.
"Cinderpelt is dead now. I- I can't leave my clan." I look down, I just can't meet his gaze.
"No… You can't be serious. You can't be willing to throw all of this away!" His voice is getting louder, more panicked. I wince at his words. I didn't want to hurt him. I really didn't.
"Crowfeather…it…it is isn't simple like it used to be." I lower my voice. "No… it was never simple, we just made it seem that way. You know I love you, but the clan must come first. They need me." I want him to understand. I really do. But he doesn't. He just stares at me with those blue eyes. Those same blue eyes I had stared back at so many times. This time, they're not filled with love. They're filled with grief, loss…sorrow. I can't take it.
"They need you? What about me? Don't you think I need you?" He's shrieking now. I turn to him, finally growing the courage I need to face his pain-stricken face. I swallow hard, preparing myself for this last goodbye.
"I love you. Goodbye." I turn, and walk out of the clearing, not looking back once. I can feel his gaze on me, but I mustn't look back. Never. My paws feel heavy, like they're being weighted down with the heaviest stones, but I still move them forward. One after the other. Step by step. Through the forest, all the way back to camp.
My heart is broken, torn apart. All the herbs in my den couldn't fix it. Never.
I open my eyes. That was 3 moons ago, and still, that night haunts my dreams. I heave myself to my paws, another day as a medicine cat laid out before me. Something catches my eye. I turn, to see a bright pink flower. The bright pink flower Crowfeather had given me on the night we ran away together. I drag my gaze away, in fear that my heart won't be able to take it. Too late. I collapse to the ground hard ground of my den, tears streaming down my brown and white face. I can hear them splashing onto the dirt filled ground. Splish Splash. Splish Splash.
Outside, Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw are watching Hollypaw, Jaypaw, and Lionpaw. I smile at Brambleclaw's proudly puffed out chest, and Squirrelflight's playful eyes. But then, Brambleclaw is replaced by Crowfeather, and Squirrelpaw is replaced by me. I stare in horror. Why must I torture myself with these illusions? I shake my head, and turn my gaze back to the cold, hard floor of my den. I close my tired amber eyes. Soon, sleep engulfs my body, my mind.
I'm staring at myself. A happier me. I have a big smile on my face, and my pelt is thoroughly groomed. Could I really go back to this? I reach out with my forearm, but the figure disappears in a cloud of mist, and I am left staring at nothing. No. I can't go back. Never. There's no comparing, no second guessing. "No, not this time." I say the words out loud. I stand up, sure that my legs will hold me this time. They do. That's a start. I smile to myself.
"Good morning, Leafpool." I turn, to find myself face to face with Hollypaw. How did she get here? I stare for a moment. She looks so much like her father. I can't help but thinking that. She's smiling at me, just like Crowfeather used to… I try to stop myself, but it's too late. Instead of Hollypaw, Crowfeather is now standing before me. Smiling. I stare, unable to move. Unable to breathe. "Are you ok?" Crowfeather... or Hollypaw, I can't tell, is speaking to me, but the words just pass through. I have to get out of here.
"I- I have to go." I turn, and take off. I push off with my back legs, extending my pace. I'm breathing hard, I have never run so fast in my life. Colors are blurred around me. I feel like I'm trapped, enclosed in this dark, unforgiving forest. Everything is crashing down on me, making it even harder to breathe. Just keep running. I tell myself. Then, visions dance in my head. Handing my kits over to Squirrelflight, the fight with Cinderpelt, and that one night me and Crowfeather shared together.
"We can run away together, just the two of us." I shriek. Crowfeather's words that were spoken so long ago echo through the forest, bouncing off trees and returning to me. "No warrior code, no clans. Nothing to get in the way."
"No!" I scream. "Please!" I can't do this. I can't listen. I'm afraid I'll break down any second. Just keep running. I tell myself again. Just keep running.
"Because I love him." Cinderpelt's anger stricken face stands before mine, then vanishes.
"I never want to have to leave you again." There he is again. Just keep running.
"Leafpool, I love you." Keep running.
"I don't care what anyone thinks. All I care about is you…us!" Keep Running.
"Don't you see? This is our chance to be happy!" Run!
"Leafpool?" I open my eyes, and smile. Jaypaw is standing before me, his blind blue eyes questioning.
"Yes?" I get to my paws, and smile kindly at the young apprentice. "What is it?"
"Mousefur wants you to bring her some herbs for her sore pads. Do you have time, or should I?"
"I'll get right on it. Thank you." I reply, keeping my voice kind. This time, No visions of Crowfeather dance in my head. No illusions. All I see is Jaypaw. I dismiss him with a nod, and he backs out of my den. Once I know he is gone, I pad over to the walls of my den. I find the hidden compartment, and look inside. There it is. The flower. I fell sadness tugging at my heart. Memories of that night. I o. I must do this. I reach in, and grab it lightly in between my jaws, making sure I don't damage it. The stem is thin, and long. The pink petals soft, and bright.
I pad out of my den, careful not to drop the precious object. The wind whips my fur, blowing it in every direction. I stare up at the sky. Suddenly unsure. What if it doesn't make it? What of someone else finds it? I'll just have to hope that it well find it's destination. Slowly, I bow by head to the ground. I open my jaws, and the flower falls out. I bring by head up, and watch it be lightly tossed around by the gentle wind. Come on. I silently plead.
Then, a gust of wind rushes by, picking up the flower. It rushes by me, the wind carrying it further up in the clear blue sky. My gaze trails after it, until it disappears over the tree tops. Now I can only hope.
I fell something gently bump against my leg. I look down, to find a bright pink flower fall to the ground. I stare, frozen in shock. It can't be! That night. That flower. It all comes rushing back to me. I feel as though I'm drowning in a flood of memories, and I can't get out. But mayb I don't want to get out. Maybe I want to stay on that night. Relive all the feelings and thoughts. The excitement I felt when Leafpool's tail accidentally brushed against my flank. I chuckle lightly. Maybe it wasn't an accident. Maybe it was on purpose.
"Crowfeather!" The sound of Nightcloud's voice breaks me out of my thoughts. I have been released by the flood. "Breezepaw wants you, can you come here?" I feel a pang of sharp disappointment. But I know I have to obey.
"Uh- Okay. I'll be right there." I reply. I look down at the flower, still resting on the ground before me. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe me and Leafpool were wrong. Maybe we weren't meant for each other. I have a new mate. I have a son. They're all I care about. Not Leafpool.
Although it brings me geat sadness, I know I must do it. I raise a fore-paw, and step on the flower. It's instantly crushed against my paw. I can feel the cold juices seeping out of the flower, and onto my pads. I turn, and pad over to where Nightclub and Breezepaw are resting, leaving a broken memory. A broken promise. But gaining a re-broken heart. I thought I had healed. Maybe I had. Maybe I hadn't. But I knew that this time, I knew it could never be healed. Not by all the herbs in Kestrelflight's den. Never.