title: I Honestly Love You
genre: angst/humor (is this possible?)
rating: PG-13 (I don't think I can write anything with a lower rating ...)
pairings: yaoi, yaoi, yaoi
warning: OOCness? Not edited, the dreaded songfic
notes: SD is not mine, and so is the song. I think someone had written a songfic based on the same song but ... (shrug) I don't intend to plagiarize. This plot is mine. Allow me the liberty to wallow in my misery. Do leave me a review.
Thank you for all the guys who served as the inspiration, especially to ...
Dedicated to the readers.
I Honestly Love You
Awww, he's so cute ...
What the ...! What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at basketball practice?
What the hell do I care if it ended early? No, I didn't miss you — urusai! Ch'. Some best friend you are.
Go bother someone else ...!
Don't tug my shirt too hard, you're going to rip it!
What? What do you want?
Ah. You're curious at why I'm currently hiding in the bushes. No, I'm not yet insane, but stay with me for a few more hours — of course I know what I'm doing, I'm not stupid!
Oh. That.
I know that stalking is illegal.
Oh, shut up ... hey, don't block my view, you dolt!
Why are you laughing?! Don't make fun of me!
Hn. You're a stalker yourself. Hypocritical ahou.
If he sees me? I'd say that I'm on my way home, and fell asleep. I mean, technically, I'm on my way home when I saw him here ... Yarou, I know that my house lies at the exact opposite direction, but he doesn't have to know that. Now lay it off with the stupid questions and ...
Oh, my excuse is lame? My excuse is lame?! Did I ask for your opinion? Huh? You're telling me anyway? Oh, shut the fuck up.
Don't nag, for god's sake. I'm well aware of the fact that I have Biology Practicals tomorrow.
No, I didn't understand the lesson. Eh? Sensei said that it'll count for 35% of our grades ... not that I give a friggin' damn ...
Oh yeah. Damns don't frig. But that's beside the point.
You were saying?
I'll flunk? Please. Don't compare your schooling with mine; I'll manage without studying. What? I'll flunk anyway?
Yeah, I know.
So?
I'm still busy stalking.
Maybe I hang around here
A little more than I should
We both know I got somewhere else to go
Did you say something?
I'm drooling?
Oops.
Stop laughing! Are you really that desperate to die?
Don't move too much, ahou, he'll hear us ... we're trying to keep hidden, remember?
So what if he'll think you're stalking him too? You don't want to leave me alone ... that's your problem ...
Try to deny that you don't have a crush on him.
Fine, had. You had a crush on him. Fine.
I was just stating the fact.
He's all mine now? Is that what you are trying to say? Good thing you remembered.
Is that a fade away he's trying? Give him some time and he'll ...
Oh my God, help me. He's shirtless!!!
Waaah ... where am I? What am I doing here?
Oh. I almost fainted? And had a severe nosebleed?
Damn ...
Urusai, I don't watch him naked after showering, I'm not a hentai like you are ...
Yeah right. Your notorious shower escapades were all accidents? Oi, take that back, I do not wish that I shower with him!
Well, maybe I do, but I don't ...! What?! Hey, no fair, I'm a normal teenager, my dreams are not to be taken account ...!
You had those fantasies about him, too! What innocent? You? Innocent?! Whatever ...
Lalalalalalala ... I'm not hearing you ...
Damn. Abs, abs, the abs ...
Shit, don't turn around, just stay facing me, Kami-sama, not the arse, don't, oh damn, somebody help me, don't get me started on that arse ...
Stop singing Bootylicious, ahou, you're not helping a bit ...
You talking to me? What is it now? It better be good ...
You think that he should know about my feelings?
Actually, I think so, too.
Don't rush me. I'm still bidding my time.
I said I'd tell him, okay? Fuck, don't push me ...! Ahou, you're making too much noise ...!
"Oi! Dare da?!"
Shimatta! It's all you're fault! His honeyed voice is suddenly shouting at our direction!
Kuso! I think he recognizes us!
Mou, chikushou, ahou, don't run, don't leave me here, don't ...!
Too late ...
I've got something to tell you
That I never thought I would
And I believe you really ought to know
"Isn't your house at the opposite direction?"
I wince, almost imperceptibly; I hope he didn't notice. There goes my cover ...
Matte. Did he say ... what I thought he said?
He knows where I live!
An inanely giddy voice in the depths of my mind is ridiculously pleased. At least, he knows. I wonder why ...
I don't want to hope for nothing.
Oh, damn, why is he aware of where I live?
"I want to talk." My voice is shaky, but I glazed it over with ice.
"What about?"
Hn. He's probably wondering why I, of all people, would want to talk, least of all, to him. It's just like Miyagi Ryouta turning down a date with Ayako, or Kiyota Nobunaga bad-mouthing Maki Shin'ichi, or ... well, this situation.
"What do you want to talk about? Can't it wait until tomorrow?"
Uh-oh. Not good. I'd better speak up.
"It's important."
Oh my God, it just registered, we are just a foot away ...
Shit, shit, shit. It's that ahou's fault.
I weigh the consequences before opening my mouth, but he beats me to it.
Daring to look up, I thankfully note that he isn't angry, just getting irritated with my silence. Isn't everybody?
Oh, well. I do plan to tell him sometime, don't I? Why not now?
Oh, yeah. It's because I'm afraid. Afraid he'll laugh at me. Well, here goes nothing.
"Aishiteru." There. It's out. Oh, damn, I can't look ...
"What?"
Indignant. Questioning. Disbelieving.
Not angry. It's a start.
"If it's a joke, it's not funny."
What?! He thinks it's a joke? What makes him think that this is a joke? I want to look into his eyes, but ... I can't.
I'm really going to kill that ahou ... it's his fault that I'm in this situation now ... If I ever get through this alive, I'll hunt that baka ahou and ...
I take a deep, deep breath. Why not dig a deeper hole, while I'm at it. After all, I'm dead. Either he kills me, or I commit suicide. Or maybe, another plot twist, and I'll find myself contending with his other admirer/s, whoever they might be. Ah, who cares, right?
Just get it done and over with.
"Hontou ni aishiteru yo."
I love you
I honestly love you
A sudden chilly draft had him shivering. Should I offer him my jacket? The wind ruffles my hair, my bangs getting into my eyes, normal event enough that I had grown used to it. It stings, though. Not that I care, at the moment.
Silence.
Not laughter, onegai, not laughter ...
I can take scorn. I can take incredulity. But ...
I'll die if he says he has another.
I'll spontaneously combust if he laughs.
I continue to wait in bated breath, and some small flicker of hope is waning to a very dim spark. The tension, so taut, so palpable, you can slash it with a knife, hung in the air; I can almost hear it vibrate, the low hum. It's starting to hurt my ears. If he doesn't do anything in the next moment, I swear, I'll rape him right here and now, at this public basketball court ...
Oh God, not now, not the hormones ...
"Did I hear you right, or am I going deaf?" I still can't look at him. Hah. Look at me. What a coward I am. "Because you just said that," a hesitant pause, and he continues. "You love me."
I'm starting to get exasperated. He still doesn't believe me? Maybe I really should rape him.
Oh, well. Most probably not a good idea.
"I'm not joking, and you heard it just fine." Let's see if this doesn't work. "I do love you, Hana."
If he still doesn't believe me, I really am going to snog him. Rape him, eventually.
Silence. Again.
I know I'm one to speak, but I do hate it. Silence. Just when you want them to speak, they don't. Damning, it is.
I think he's taken aback by me going on first-name terms with him.
Truth be told, all I want to do right now, is be swallowed by the earth, and hope that I die a fast and painless death. I can't take it. I'm sure, if not for my indifferent composure long-wrought and chiseled to almost perfection by practice, I would be whimpering now, clutching his legs for dear life.
Psyche out. No guts, no glory. I inhale sharply through the nose, and released it along with the tension building up in me. One. Two. Three.
I muster enough courage to stare up at his lovely brown eyes.
And I'm not breathing anymore.
"Rukawa ..."
You don't have to answer
I can see it in your eyes
Maybe it is better left unsaid
I raise two fingers to place them over his lips. He didn't even flinch, I'd give him that much credit, not a bloody twitch of a muscle. Feeling his sweet even rhythmic breathing, I pause, so that my fingers are hovering over the succulent flesh, a mere hairbreadth away.
You get the idea.
Should I touch him? Should I test my limits? I have come this far, and he did not push me away. Neither did he invite the contact, true. Will the end justify the risk? I push these thoughts aside, chiding myself. It is not time to be as such.
I slowly shake my head.
"Onegai. Don't."
He takes my hand and lowers it. My hand tingles, and something akin to electricity zings through my body at the touch.
He complies, but that does not keep the unvoiced words unexpressed in his warm deep brown eyes.
Gomen nasai.
The giddy feeling had worn off, gone, leaving me bared and unshielded from his penetrating gaze.
Gomen nasai.
It hurt. It killed.
I don't want this moment, my admission, my confession, my utmost yielding, to be tainted with his regret, that he had to go through this.
The worst thing is his pity.
Pity.
"Don't." I am not really sure if I had spoken out loud. It seems like I don't feel anything anymore. I certainly don't care.
He sounds detached, stubbornly so. "I insisted it was a joke." He looks at me. At least the most determinable expression on his face was the need of reassurance.
"You could still pretend it was."
It wouldn't change anything, though. It wouldn't abate the thundering pang, relentless, the sharp pricking nicks, the overall seizing of my heart.
"Demo ..."
I shush him harshly, angrily. Frustrated at myself, at the ahou, but no, never at him.
"It's hard enough as it is."
I am too weak, I realize as much. I do not want you to feel a guilt that was never yours to take. I am the one to blame, but even then, I do not say the words of regret. For I do not. My pride, my arrogance, my ego, prevented me from doing so. A vanity of sorts, I suppose.
I didn't stop you this time. Wouldn't. Couldn't.
"I'm sorry, kitsune."
This is pure and simple
And you must've realized
That it's coming from my heart and not my head
"It's my fault." I try to hold back a deluge of tears. "Not yours."
Persistence. One of the things I love about you. "Gomen."
Hell, I love everything about you.
Maybe that's why it's numb now. Because I love you so much.
So much that to continue loving you, hurting had become a part of me. Pain that grew in time, along with the cresting emotion that even I, Ice King as they had labeled me, had been almost powerless to inhibit and suppress. A continuous ache that I began to welcome, and I welcome it nonetheless, for it is a indication that I live still. Even if it means that I am bound, heart and soul.
I do not claim that it is love, much less a true one. How am I to know of such thing, young as I am? All I know is my love for him, which I kept from him and the world, and my agony, as well.
So much, for so long, I had harbored this feeling. I could have smiled, but being me, I settle for a sardonic twist of the lips.
Nothing is ever easy.
Oh God, but why am I bothering? I'm tired of it. Weary. If he's going to prolong this torture, albeit none done in his consciousness, at least I'll show him not a facade, but myself, my true self. He deserves as much.
After all, I wouldn't feel it anymore, right? 'Coz I'm numb.
Oh, Hana. All the things I do for you, for the sake of love.
If only you can requite it.
"Kitsune ..."
But that would be asking the impossible.
This is getting ridiculous. I'm perfectly aware that I'm blabbering, but I carry on.
See?
Maybe I'm going insane, after all.
I try to form a thought. I know I meant to say more, but whenever I am to speak it, it flees my mind. It's something important ...
I open my mouth, but no words came forth. He watches, so I close my mouth, and stare off.
Rule #1 : Whatever the situation, don't expect your Love to feel the same towards you.
Kuso. I know that every well. Knowing doesn't take the sting away, though. But I have to say it, have to reassure him. For his sake. All of this for him.
"Don't worry. I wasn't expecting anything."
Lies. How much do I have to tell? Doesn't matter. Nothing does anymore.
"You know about Haruko-san." It's more of a question, but I get the hidden undertone.
"Just had to get it out in the open. I can't continue on, deceiving you like that. I don't expect anything, except maybe a punch or two." I hesitate. Do I dare come this far?
Well, nothing matters, I said so myself.
"Or maybe ..." I glance warily, and offer an outstretched hand. "Friends?"
I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable
I'm not trying to make you anything at all
But this feeling doesn't come along every day
"You actually want us to be friends?"
I understand his reluctance.
I shrug as casually as I can. "Why not? It won't change anything between us."
Right.
I had just shattered everything, with what I've done.
Nothing will ever be the same again.
He now knows why I ignore the girl. The reasons of my frigidity, my indifference, my inability to reciprocate her feelings, which is, as you all know, himself. And he can't hold it against me.
He is blinded, staunchly clutching his infatuation for her like a lifeline, a driving force. And I cannot hold it against him.
How could he? How could I?
We cannot go back to what was, not now, not ever. I destroyed his sweet oblivion with a few simple words, as he brought forth a total and painfully abrupt halt to my hopes, my fantasies, my only consolation, with his eyes.
Hating each other would be so difficult after tonight, after the truth. Everything I abhorred about him, I had learned to love, in time. Everything he despised were justified, unbearably so.
I did all of this single-handedly.
Why did I have to go and make things more complicated than it already was?
But he has to understand. I just have to do it.
And here it is.
I love him. He likes her. She likes me.
Must be fun, I cannot help but think bitterly. After being rejected by fifty females, he turns down the first male one, which happened to be his rival, the big fat wall barring his road to greatness and, eventually, the girl. My face contorts into a satiric expression before relaxing into an unruffled one.
They said that smiling can abate the pain. I don't know about that, but if nothing shakes me, I'm strong, and I can bear anything. If they don't know me, if they don't know what I feel, they can't come close, and can't hurt me. I can't lose.
But I had. He wore down every wall and defense I created to protect me, one by one. He rendered me absolutely vulnerable with his brash words, his larger-than-life ego, his innocence, his naïveté, his soul.
He broke through me, Sakuragi Hanamichi did. Because I love him.
Or maybe it's the other way around. By breaking down my barriers, I came to love him.
Same difference, isn't it?
"Not that I can hate you anymore ... I guess." He sighs, rubbing his neck. Curious habit, that. One of the ahou's trademarks, other than the patented hentai smile.
"Should I take that as a yes?"
For an instant, I feel my conviction and my hope wavering, faltering. Then, he smiles, and takes my hand.
"Truce."
I swear, I almost swooned. At least ... at least ...
"Don't take advantage of my innocence, though, and jump on me, okay, kitsune?" He asks as he withdraws his hand.
That took care of my elation.
"Do'ahou," I immediately snap coldly.
"I was just joking, kitsune, really." He breaks it to me gently. I purse my lips, prolonging the game.
"You know, whatever they say about your singing ..." I give him a sidelong glance. "Even though I love you and overlooked a number of things — I agree with them."
"Teme, kitsune! You dare insult the Tensai's inborn skills?"
"Tensai? Doko e? I don't see any."
"Yarou!"
"Do'ahou."
"Teme!"
"Yare, yare."
We suddenly burst into laughter. It seems like everything was still what it used to be, which, of course, in reality, it is not anymore.
But it feels good. It really does.
And at the moment ... it is enough.
And you shouldn't blow the chance
When you got the chance to say
"You ever imagine us together, kitsune?" He asks me as he shoots outside the shaded area. It goes in neatly.
"Depends," I answer vaguely. I twirled a ball, balancing it on my forefinger. "In what way, exactly?"
His reply is mildly amusing as it is surprising. "Rukawa, hentai!"
"Do'ahou, thinking dirty." I stifle a sigh. "Once a do'ahou, always a do'ahou."
"Teme!" he is rather indignant. "I meant us, as you know ..."
"Tomodachi da?" I snort. "If anyone had told me that we would ever be friends ... quite impossible, really."
"No, not that." He gestures wildly. "You know, us being ..."
I shade my eyes, the ball teetering on my suddenly shaking finger. "Koibito." I shrug. "Every now and then." I let out a breath harshly. "Well, it doesn't really matter."
He senses that this is a rather a sensitive matter, an emotional wound, so he gently backs off. Sweet Hana. Never to be anything but a friend now.
"Rukawa. I was wondering." I turn to face him. He's lying on his back now, staring at the stars and the waning gibbous moon, ball tucked snugly between his calves and thighs. I join him on the floor; the half-court line parts us. His intoxicating scent and presence are more than I could take. I envy the ball, you know.
I want to reach out and take him in my arms. I want to hold him close and never let go. I want to do all those things even girls (no offense meant to them) thinks too mushy to be allowed. I want to ... But he is my friend. Only a friend.
I cannot betray his trust.
"Was that Smiley with you, a while ago?"
The question is surprising; it breaks my train of thought. "Un. He's my best friend. Doesn't look like it, though."
He chuckles, and it sends a warmth suffusing from my heart to my fingertips. "I think some of his character's passing onto you, kitsune. You're speaking more than necessary."
Faintly offended, I jab him at the arm.
"It's because you're different, do'ahou."
It's because I love you.
He sighs. "I know. I always had been."
But I am not yet finished speaking. "Mentally incapacitated."
"Teme!" He begins to threaten me. I feint a yawn.
He's so cute when he does that.
"Hora," he says softly. "A shooting star." His face shines, akin to an eager child's. "Make a wish, kitsune."
But I had, Hana, a long time ago. And it didn't come true. It won't, ever.
I close my eyes. And I make a wish. After all, hoping beyond hope is not against the law.
So what if it is impossible? That's why it's a wish. A hope. A dream.
I concentrate on a mental image of your face, eternally happy, smiling at me. My comrade, my friend. The only thing that reality can permit.
Turning morbid, am I? And being more and more unbearable?
I know.
I love you
I honestly love you
"What did you wish for, ne, Kitsune?"
I bite my lip, but I manage a toss in a teasing tone in my voice. "Himitsu."
Kaede ... aishiteru.
I wish ... that dreams can come true, too.
I discard these thoughts hastily. I'm being silly again.
"Fine. Be that way." He sulks, pouting, and I reprimand him primly.
"Do'ahou. If I'll tell you, it won't happen."
Not that it's probable at all in the first place.
"Whatever you say, kitsune." He gives up the argument, with a thoughtful expression on his face. It makes him unbearably tender and open, and I, at once, withdraw my gaze.
"Hana ..." I venture. This would not be easy, or pleasurable. But I had to know.
"How did you know ... where I live?"
He smiles. "Ah. Well ... Remember when you fell asleep on your way home some time ago? I saw you ... And so did Smiley. He said he was out on some errand and he was running late, so he just told me your address so that I can bring you home." He sticks out his lip. "Couldn't help but wonder then, how did Smiley know such a thing."
Damn that ahou. Ah well.
We lapse into that meditative silence again.
"Kitsune?"
"Hn?"
"Why me?" So truthful, so blunt, so pure.
What could I say? "I don't know, Hana."
"Ah. Sou." It may just be my imagination, but did he smile at me?
"Why not you?" I whisper to myself, yet I am sure he heard it.
"Because I can't love you back." The words are not meant for me to hear, uttered in a soft exhale of breath.
Oh no. He's going to start blaming himself again. I can't have that.
"Hana ..." he turns to face me, lying on his side, eyes questioning, moonlight playing with his features, bathing him in a glow, making him heartrendingly ethereal. He takes my breath away. I struggle for control.
"What is it?" Concern reverberates in his voice.
"If I were a girl ... if ..." What's the girl's name again? "If you never met Ha ... Haruko ... If you were a girl ... Do you think you would ...?"
"Those situations are different, kitsune." There is a strain in your voice. That, I did not imagine, surely.
I am such a masochist.
"Demo."
"If I never met Haruko-san," he starts, "I wouldn't have met you in the first place. I would have continued hating basketball ..."
"You'll never know," I cut in.
He agrees with me with a slight shake of head. "I guess I won't."
"You haven't answered my question yet." Though I dare not hope.
"Kitsune ..." He keeps his eyes angled, not staring at mine as had been the past few minutes, intent on not meeting my eyes. I look at the sky, in turn.
"You're a friend. Even from the start, you were an ally. Still an ally. And I appreciate you, as part of the team. But that wasn't your question." He sighs. "If you were a girl, if Haruko-san wasn't in the picture, if we met in a different way, if you weren't a heartthrob and so goddamn drop-dead gorgeous ..." My eyes bug out, almost popping out of the sockets. "To the point that it's so envious ..." He still refuses eye contact. "Yes. I would have."
I release a breath I did not realize I was holding.
There are lumps in my throat; I force the words out.
"Arigatou."
If we both were born
In another place and time
This moment might be ending with a kiss
He wrinkles his forehead, eyebrows furrowed in consideration.
"What?"
Is my request that weird?
"Kaede." Surprising, no doubt, but he is exaggerating. "Please. Just this once. Call me Kaede, Hana. I'm not asking for anything but that. Onegai."
"This isn't going to help us both, kitsune," he reminds me.
What else had I got to lose?
"And what is?" My voice is so annoyingly weak and too soft for comfort. "Tell me, Hana. What is going to help us both?"
He does not speak.
I content myself by staring at a distinct point on the sky, in the constellation Orion. Left leg of the Giant. One of my lucky stars, unforgotten from my Physics readings. Rigel.
"Kitsune."
"Hn."
"If I tell you I'll be lying ... and I tell you I love you, what will you feel?"
To say the least, I am shocked at the statement.
He continues. "If what I did by rejecting you was to push a knife at your guts, then your request is something like twisting the knife around."
I glare at Rigel, as if it was the source of my problems.
"And if it would quicken my death, and spare me the agony of waiting to die?" I counter. "Would you do it then?"
His reply is resolute. "Yadda." Before I can ask why, he adds, "Who said that the wound would be incurable?" He crosses his arms over his chest, chin set in a determined way. "Don't you think I caused you enough hurt? Why add to it? Why let somebody die when you could do something about it?" He smiles suddenly. "There is such thing as Healing, kitsune. Everybody serves their purpose alive."
I allow a hollow laugh. "Psychiatrist. Who would have thought? Guess we had you pegged wrong. Do'ahou."
"Damn right you did." Pause. "Kaede."
My eyes narrow. I delight in it secretly, of course. Where is a voice recorder when I need one? His voice saying my name is heavenly. However, I will not give him the satisfaction. "Do'ahou. You said ..."
"You can be Healed, ne?" His grin is contagious; I feel the corners of my lips lifting. "Consider it a favor by a friend."
I nod. A favor by a friend. And a Healing. By a friend.
No more, no less.
I won't screw it up, of course, this time.
But there you are with yours
And here I am with mine
So I guess we'll just be leaving it at this
"You don't have to."
"I insist." I look at him intently. "Shut up, or I'll kiss you."
"You won't." He doesn't sound too sure, however. "You're not insane enough."
"Really?"
My voice must be too sly and too much of a drawl. He hastily surrenders. "Fine."
"What? I can kiss you?"
"Waah, urusai, hentai kitsune!"
Kawaii. Just kawaii.
I am suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling of deja vu, which I immediately push at the corner of my mind.
"I'm not Sendou."
"I know, I'm not stupid!"
I mock surprise. "Sou ka? I didn't notice."
"Nani?! Just what do you mean by that?!"
"Whatever a do'ahou makes of it," I respond automatically.
"Teme!"
"We're here."
He blinks. He didn't even notice that we had arrived at his house, at his very door.
"Why do you know ...?" He trails off. "No, I don't want to know."
"Ch'." I shift my weight, rather uneasily. This is it.
"So." He leans on the closed door, arms crossed casually across his chest.
"Aren't you even going to invite me in?"
He deadpans with a straight face. "Iie. You're going to rape me."
"Hentai do'ahou."
I know have to go. But I can't.
"You have to go now, kitsune."
He doesn't have to tell me.
It kills me to leave him. Hah. As if he would even notice me. Nonetheless ...
"But you can stay."
Is he insane?! He did not just say that. Is he aware of the fact that he's making it harder for me?
"I can," I agree. "But I'm not going to."
"I expected as much."
Before he can say anything else, I dash to him and hold him tight. There was an "umph" as our bodies collided. I press my cheek against his brilliant hair of scarlet, breathing his essence, feeling him in my arms. I shower chaste kisses on the air a centimeter from his ear.
"Kitsune." He makes no move to hinder or to encourage me, and he does not flounder about, allowing contact.
"Arigatou. Aishiteru, Hana, zutto."
Before I would not be able restrain myself, I pull away from his warmth, and briskly go on with my way.
"Gomen."
I love you
I honestly love you
With a snort that did not even come close to hiding my sobs, I close the window of the HTML document I had been reading.
"Another R fic, Kaede?" you ask cheekily as you sit down beside me.
"Hentai ahou." I press my lips together. Thankfully enough, you keep quiet.
Threading your hands through your loose hair, you peer at me with dark blue knowing eyes. "It's about him, na, Kaede?" You snap your fingers. "Unrequited angst."
"It's your stupid fault, ahou."
"You read too much fics."
"I don't see you complaining when you see NC-17 and your name strung vey close with no words of negation."
You cross your arms defensively. "I do complain. I hate it when we get paired."
"Koshino. Maki. Fujima. Even Kogure, god's sake." I suddenly lose interest as a name pops in my head. I shake my head.
"Him again." There is a note of amusement in your voice.
My head jerks upward. Damn you. You can see right through me.
"Bet he's the envy of your shinetai."
That ever so familiar satiric feeling twists my lips. "He rejected me."
You shrug. "Not every story can have a fairytale ending. This just might be one of them."
"Demo ..."
I've been dreaming of him, of us, together. Not just those dreams, mind you, but ... you know. Graduating from college. Living in America. Playing basketball. Getting married. Adopting kids. Squabbling over the household chores ...
Crazy, isn't it?
You had been speaking for a while. "... Who knows? Maybe he's not the guy for you. Maybe you'll get hitched with him sooner or later. Maybe you'll get over him and find somebody else. Maybe ..."
"I'd just commit suicide. No difference if I die sooner or later."
"Aww, Kaede, you're being morbid again ..."
"So?" I'm exhausted. I just want to collapse on my bed. I don't think I can sleep, not with him in my mind, and you babbling on the background.
I'm soooooo tired.
"It's just sexual tension, Kaede." Casual shrug. "If you want, I can help you ... I'm sure Hiro-kun won't mind ..."
Sometimes, it's hard to discern if you're joking or not.
I am so not in the mood.
I sprawl facedown unceremoniously, on my stomach, on the sheets.
"Are you up to it, Akira? Gags. Collars. Leash. Whip. Paddle. Clamps. Razors."
"Come to think of it, Hiro-kun will get very, very angry if he finds out ..."
I didn't even bother to snort.
"You're uptight; I was just kidding. Relax, Kaede. You're stressed out."
"I know."
"Don't even try not to think about him. It will drive you mad, that."
"Nothing is ever easy." I laugh mirthlessly. "But this is ridiculous, Akira. It's so different."
You stood up and frowned reverently. "Kaede."
"You're right. I read too much." I'm not really aware if I'm speaking out loud, or making any sense at all. "He is the flame that I subconsciously seek. And as you know very well, not even Ice can withstand Fire." I shift my weight to one side. "I well aware of the fact, Akira. And I honestly don't care."
"Hana-kun doesn't know how lucky he is," you conclude wryly as I stare blankly at the computer chair in line with my vision. "Tough luck, Kaede. You're still in deep."
Yes. I still love him. And I will wait.
After all, we are friends now.
The word leaves my lips as you say it.
"Hopeless."
I honestly love you
OWARI
Sha Gojyo: \with Cho Hakkai\ {concerned} Is Rhygell-chan okay?
Nakago: \smirking\ {disdainful} She hasn't stopped crying after writing that fic, I Honestly Love You.
Kudou Youji: {flippant} Ch'. Is anybody with her in that infernal room in case she goes suicidal?
Marron Glace: Nuriko-san and Muraki-sensei are with her. \shrugs\ Ken is standing guard by the door.
Youko Kurama: {haughty} Isn't I Honestly Love You a Slam Dunk Fic?
Hisoka: \Building a house of cards\ {bored} Why aren't they doing something about it?
Allen Schezar: {dazed} She kicked Dilandau out when he went to see her. I can't believe it. Dilandau is one of her Favorites ...
Alec Howell: {disbelieving} Really? She did?
Seta Soujiro: {pensive} Why would she do that?
Nigisa Kaworu: {uncaring} She only talks to those with unrequited love ... it does not concern me, so why should I bother ...?
Lan Fei Hung: I hope she's okay ...
Jin: {worried} I Honestly Love You is based from Rhygell-chan's life, isn't it?
Rukawa: {sulky} There's no lemon, and I'm miserable there.
Koshino: Not to mention insane.
Rukawa: \glares at Koshino\
Kiyota: It has a crappy ending, by the way.
Mitsui: \with Kogure\ I think that Hanagata and Sakuragi had better talk her out of it, since they're Favorites ...
Sendou: \Turns to Hanagata and Sakuragi\ {anxious} You should. Or else, she won't make any lemon ...
[Everybody shudders at the thought and pushes Hanagata and Sakuragi inside the room, praying for the best]
Sha Gojyo and Cho Hakkai—Gensomaden Saiyuuki, Nakago and Nuriko—Fushigi Yuugi, Kudou Youji and Hidaka Ken—Weiss Kreuz, Marron Glace—Bakuretsu Hunters, Muraki—Yami no Matsuei, Youko Kurama—Yuu Yuu Hakusho, Hisoka—Hunter X Hunter, Allen Schezar and Dilandau Albatou—Tenkuu no Escaflowne, Alec Howell—Ayashi no Ceres, Seta Soujiro—Rurouni Kenshin, Nigisa Kaworu—Neon Genesis Evangelion, Lan Fei Hung—Cooking Master Boy. All the other guys are Slam Dunk characters.
genre: angst/humor (is this possible?)
rating: PG-13 (I don't think I can write anything with a lower rating ...)
pairings: yaoi, yaoi, yaoi
warning: OOCness? Not edited, the dreaded songfic
notes: SD is not mine, and so is the song. I think someone had written a songfic based on the same song but ... (shrug) I don't intend to plagiarize. This plot is mine. Allow me the liberty to wallow in my misery. Do leave me a review.
Thank you for all the guys who served as the inspiration, especially to ...
Dedicated to the readers.
Awww, he's so cute ...
What the ...! What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at basketball practice?
What the hell do I care if it ended early? No, I didn't miss you — urusai! Ch'. Some best friend you are.
Go bother someone else ...!
Don't tug my shirt too hard, you're going to rip it!
What? What do you want?
Ah. You're curious at why I'm currently hiding in the bushes. No, I'm not yet insane, but stay with me for a few more hours — of course I know what I'm doing, I'm not stupid!
Oh. That.
I know that stalking is illegal.
Oh, shut up ... hey, don't block my view, you dolt!
Why are you laughing?! Don't make fun of me!
Hn. You're a stalker yourself. Hypocritical ahou.
If he sees me? I'd say that I'm on my way home, and fell asleep. I mean, technically, I'm on my way home when I saw him here ... Yarou, I know that my house lies at the exact opposite direction, but he doesn't have to know that. Now lay it off with the stupid questions and ...
Oh, my excuse is lame? My excuse is lame?! Did I ask for your opinion? Huh? You're telling me anyway? Oh, shut the fuck up.
Don't nag, for god's sake. I'm well aware of the fact that I have Biology Practicals tomorrow.
No, I didn't understand the lesson. Eh? Sensei said that it'll count for 35% of our grades ... not that I give a friggin' damn ...
Oh yeah. Damns don't frig. But that's beside the point.
You were saying?
I'll flunk? Please. Don't compare your schooling with mine; I'll manage without studying. What? I'll flunk anyway?
Yeah, I know.
So?
I'm still busy stalking.
A little more than I should
We both know I got somewhere else to go
I'm drooling?
Oops.
Stop laughing! Are you really that desperate to die?
Don't move too much, ahou, he'll hear us ... we're trying to keep hidden, remember?
So what if he'll think you're stalking him too? You don't want to leave me alone ... that's your problem ...
Try to deny that you don't have a crush on him.
Fine, had. You had a crush on him. Fine.
I was just stating the fact.
He's all mine now? Is that what you are trying to say? Good thing you remembered.
Is that a fade away he's trying? Give him some time and he'll ...
Oh my God, help me. He's shirtless!!!
Waaah ... where am I? What am I doing here?
Oh. I almost fainted? And had a severe nosebleed?
Damn ...
Urusai, I don't watch him naked after showering, I'm not a hentai like you are ...
Yeah right. Your notorious shower escapades were all accidents? Oi, take that back, I do not wish that I shower with him!
Well, maybe I do, but I don't ...! What?! Hey, no fair, I'm a normal teenager, my dreams are not to be taken account ...!
You had those fantasies about him, too! What innocent? You? Innocent?! Whatever ...
Lalalalalalala ... I'm not hearing you ...
Damn. Abs, abs, the abs ...
Shit, don't turn around, just stay facing me, Kami-sama, not the arse, don't, oh damn, somebody help me, don't get me started on that arse ...
Stop singing Bootylicious, ahou, you're not helping a bit ...
You talking to me? What is it now? It better be good ...
You think that he should know about my feelings?
Actually, I think so, too.
Don't rush me. I'm still bidding my time.
I said I'd tell him, okay? Fuck, don't push me ...! Ahou, you're making too much noise ...!
"Oi! Dare da?!"
Shimatta! It's all you're fault! His honeyed voice is suddenly shouting at our direction!
Kuso! I think he recognizes us!
Mou, chikushou, ahou, don't run, don't leave me here, don't ...!
Too late ...
That I never thought I would
And I believe you really ought to know
I wince, almost imperceptibly; I hope he didn't notice. There goes my cover ...
Matte. Did he say ... what I thought he said?
He knows where I live!
An inanely giddy voice in the depths of my mind is ridiculously pleased. At least, he knows. I wonder why ...
I don't want to hope for nothing.
Oh, damn, why is he aware of where I live?
"I want to talk." My voice is shaky, but I glazed it over with ice.
"What about?"
Hn. He's probably wondering why I, of all people, would want to talk, least of all, to him. It's just like Miyagi Ryouta turning down a date with Ayako, or Kiyota Nobunaga bad-mouthing Maki Shin'ichi, or ... well, this situation.
"What do you want to talk about? Can't it wait until tomorrow?"
Uh-oh. Not good. I'd better speak up.
"It's important."
Oh my God, it just registered, we are just a foot away ...
Shit, shit, shit. It's that ahou's fault.
I weigh the consequences before opening my mouth, but he beats me to it.
Daring to look up, I thankfully note that he isn't angry, just getting irritated with my silence. Isn't everybody?
Oh, well. I do plan to tell him sometime, don't I? Why not now?
Oh, yeah. It's because I'm afraid. Afraid he'll laugh at me. Well, here goes nothing.
"Aishiteru." There. It's out. Oh, damn, I can't look ...
"What?"
Indignant. Questioning. Disbelieving.
Not angry. It's a start.
"If it's a joke, it's not funny."
What?! He thinks it's a joke? What makes him think that this is a joke? I want to look into his eyes, but ... I can't.
I'm really going to kill that ahou ... it's his fault that I'm in this situation now ... If I ever get through this alive, I'll hunt that baka ahou and ...
I take a deep, deep breath. Why not dig a deeper hole, while I'm at it. After all, I'm dead. Either he kills me, or I commit suicide. Or maybe, another plot twist, and I'll find myself contending with his other admirer/s, whoever they might be. Ah, who cares, right?
Just get it done and over with.
"Hontou ni aishiteru yo."
I honestly love you
Silence.
Not laughter, onegai, not laughter ...
I can take scorn. I can take incredulity. But ...
I'll die if he says he has another.
I'll spontaneously combust if he laughs.
I continue to wait in bated breath, and some small flicker of hope is waning to a very dim spark. The tension, so taut, so palpable, you can slash it with a knife, hung in the air; I can almost hear it vibrate, the low hum. It's starting to hurt my ears. If he doesn't do anything in the next moment, I swear, I'll rape him right here and now, at this public basketball court ...
Oh God, not now, not the hormones ...
"Did I hear you right, or am I going deaf?" I still can't look at him. Hah. Look at me. What a coward I am. "Because you just said that," a hesitant pause, and he continues. "You love me."
I'm starting to get exasperated. He still doesn't believe me? Maybe I really should rape him.
Oh, well. Most probably not a good idea.
"I'm not joking, and you heard it just fine." Let's see if this doesn't work. "I do love you, Hana."
If he still doesn't believe me, I really am going to snog him. Rape him, eventually.
Silence. Again.
I know I'm one to speak, but I do hate it. Silence. Just when you want them to speak, they don't. Damning, it is.
I think he's taken aback by me going on first-name terms with him.
Truth be told, all I want to do right now, is be swallowed by the earth, and hope that I die a fast and painless death. I can't take it. I'm sure, if not for my indifferent composure long-wrought and chiseled to almost perfection by practice, I would be whimpering now, clutching his legs for dear life.
Psyche out. No guts, no glory. I inhale sharply through the nose, and released it along with the tension building up in me. One. Two. Three.
I muster enough courage to stare up at his lovely brown eyes.
And I'm not breathing anymore.
"Rukawa ..."
I can see it in your eyes
Maybe it is better left unsaid
You get the idea.
Should I touch him? Should I test my limits? I have come this far, and he did not push me away. Neither did he invite the contact, true. Will the end justify the risk? I push these thoughts aside, chiding myself. It is not time to be as such.
I slowly shake my head.
"Onegai. Don't."
He takes my hand and lowers it. My hand tingles, and something akin to electricity zings through my body at the touch.
He complies, but that does not keep the unvoiced words unexpressed in his warm deep brown eyes.
Gomen nasai.
The giddy feeling had worn off, gone, leaving me bared and unshielded from his penetrating gaze.
Gomen nasai.
It hurt. It killed.
I don't want this moment, my admission, my confession, my utmost yielding, to be tainted with his regret, that he had to go through this.
The worst thing is his pity.
Pity.
"Don't." I am not really sure if I had spoken out loud. It seems like I don't feel anything anymore. I certainly don't care.
He sounds detached, stubbornly so. "I insisted it was a joke." He looks at me. At least the most determinable expression on his face was the need of reassurance.
"You could still pretend it was."
It wouldn't change anything, though. It wouldn't abate the thundering pang, relentless, the sharp pricking nicks, the overall seizing of my heart.
"Demo ..."
I shush him harshly, angrily. Frustrated at myself, at the ahou, but no, never at him.
"It's hard enough as it is."
I am too weak, I realize as much. I do not want you to feel a guilt that was never yours to take. I am the one to blame, but even then, I do not say the words of regret. For I do not. My pride, my arrogance, my ego, prevented me from doing so. A vanity of sorts, I suppose.
I didn't stop you this time. Wouldn't. Couldn't.
"I'm sorry, kitsune."
And you must've realized
That it's coming from my heart and not my head
Persistence. One of the things I love about you. "Gomen."
Hell, I love everything about you.
Maybe that's why it's numb now. Because I love you so much.
So much that to continue loving you, hurting had become a part of me. Pain that grew in time, along with the cresting emotion that even I, Ice King as they had labeled me, had been almost powerless to inhibit and suppress. A continuous ache that I began to welcome, and I welcome it nonetheless, for it is a indication that I live still. Even if it means that I am bound, heart and soul.
I do not claim that it is love, much less a true one. How am I to know of such thing, young as I am? All I know is my love for him, which I kept from him and the world, and my agony, as well.
So much, for so long, I had harbored this feeling. I could have smiled, but being me, I settle for a sardonic twist of the lips.
Nothing is ever easy.
Oh God, but why am I bothering? I'm tired of it. Weary. If he's going to prolong this torture, albeit none done in his consciousness, at least I'll show him not a facade, but myself, my true self. He deserves as much.
After all, I wouldn't feel it anymore, right? 'Coz I'm numb.
Oh, Hana. All the things I do for you, for the sake of love.
If only you can requite it.
"Kitsune ..."
But that would be asking the impossible.
This is getting ridiculous. I'm perfectly aware that I'm blabbering, but I carry on.
See?
Maybe I'm going insane, after all.
I try to form a thought. I know I meant to say more, but whenever I am to speak it, it flees my mind. It's something important ...
I open my mouth, but no words came forth. He watches, so I close my mouth, and stare off.
Rule #1 : Whatever the situation, don't expect your Love to feel the same towards you.
Kuso. I know that every well. Knowing doesn't take the sting away, though. But I have to say it, have to reassure him. For his sake. All of this for him.
"Don't worry. I wasn't expecting anything."
Lies. How much do I have to tell? Doesn't matter. Nothing does anymore.
"You know about Haruko-san." It's more of a question, but I get the hidden undertone.
"Just had to get it out in the open. I can't continue on, deceiving you like that. I don't expect anything, except maybe a punch or two." I hesitate. Do I dare come this far?
Well, nothing matters, I said so myself.
"Or maybe ..." I glance warily, and offer an outstretched hand. "Friends?"
I'm not trying to make you anything at all
But this feeling doesn't come along every day
I understand his reluctance.
I shrug as casually as I can. "Why not? It won't change anything between us."
Right.
I had just shattered everything, with what I've done.
Nothing will ever be the same again.
He now knows why I ignore the girl. The reasons of my frigidity, my indifference, my inability to reciprocate her feelings, which is, as you all know, himself. And he can't hold it against me.
He is blinded, staunchly clutching his infatuation for her like a lifeline, a driving force. And I cannot hold it against him.
How could he? How could I?
We cannot go back to what was, not now, not ever. I destroyed his sweet oblivion with a few simple words, as he brought forth a total and painfully abrupt halt to my hopes, my fantasies, my only consolation, with his eyes.
Hating each other would be so difficult after tonight, after the truth. Everything I abhorred about him, I had learned to love, in time. Everything he despised were justified, unbearably so.
I did all of this single-handedly.
Why did I have to go and make things more complicated than it already was?
But he has to understand. I just have to do it.
And here it is.
I love him. He likes her. She likes me.
Must be fun, I cannot help but think bitterly. After being rejected by fifty females, he turns down the first male one, which happened to be his rival, the big fat wall barring his road to greatness and, eventually, the girl. My face contorts into a satiric expression before relaxing into an unruffled one.
They said that smiling can abate the pain. I don't know about that, but if nothing shakes me, I'm strong, and I can bear anything. If they don't know me, if they don't know what I feel, they can't come close, and can't hurt me. I can't lose.
But I had. He wore down every wall and defense I created to protect me, one by one. He rendered me absolutely vulnerable with his brash words, his larger-than-life ego, his innocence, his naïveté, his soul.
He broke through me, Sakuragi Hanamichi did. Because I love him.
Or maybe it's the other way around. By breaking down my barriers, I came to love him.
Same difference, isn't it?
"Not that I can hate you anymore ... I guess." He sighs, rubbing his neck. Curious habit, that. One of the ahou's trademarks, other than the patented hentai smile.
"Should I take that as a yes?"
For an instant, I feel my conviction and my hope wavering, faltering. Then, he smiles, and takes my hand.
"Truce."
I swear, I almost swooned. At least ... at least ...
"Don't take advantage of my innocence, though, and jump on me, okay, kitsune?" He asks as he withdraws his hand.
That took care of my elation.
"Do'ahou," I immediately snap coldly.
"I was just joking, kitsune, really." He breaks it to me gently. I purse my lips, prolonging the game.
"You know, whatever they say about your singing ..." I give him a sidelong glance. "Even though I love you and overlooked a number of things — I agree with them."
"Teme, kitsune! You dare insult the Tensai's inborn skills?"
"Tensai? Doko e? I don't see any."
"Yarou!"
"Do'ahou."
"Teme!"
"Yare, yare."
We suddenly burst into laughter. It seems like everything was still what it used to be, which, of course, in reality, it is not anymore.
But it feels good. It really does.
And at the moment ... it is enough.
When you got the chance to say
"Depends," I answer vaguely. I twirled a ball, balancing it on my forefinger. "In what way, exactly?"
His reply is mildly amusing as it is surprising. "Rukawa, hentai!"
"Do'ahou, thinking dirty." I stifle a sigh. "Once a do'ahou, always a do'ahou."
"Teme!" he is rather indignant. "I meant us, as you know ..."
"Tomodachi da?" I snort. "If anyone had told me that we would ever be friends ... quite impossible, really."
"No, not that." He gestures wildly. "You know, us being ..."
I shade my eyes, the ball teetering on my suddenly shaking finger. "Koibito." I shrug. "Every now and then." I let out a breath harshly. "Well, it doesn't really matter."
He senses that this is a rather a sensitive matter, an emotional wound, so he gently backs off. Sweet Hana. Never to be anything but a friend now.
"Rukawa. I was wondering." I turn to face him. He's lying on his back now, staring at the stars and the waning gibbous moon, ball tucked snugly between his calves and thighs. I join him on the floor; the half-court line parts us. His intoxicating scent and presence are more than I could take. I envy the ball, you know.
I want to reach out and take him in my arms. I want to hold him close and never let go. I want to do all those things even girls (no offense meant to them) thinks too mushy to be allowed. I want to ... But he is my friend. Only a friend.
I cannot betray his trust.
"Was that Smiley with you, a while ago?"
The question is surprising; it breaks my train of thought. "Un. He's my best friend. Doesn't look like it, though."
He chuckles, and it sends a warmth suffusing from my heart to my fingertips. "I think some of his character's passing onto you, kitsune. You're speaking more than necessary."
Faintly offended, I jab him at the arm.
"It's because you're different, do'ahou."
It's because I love you.
He sighs. "I know. I always had been."
But I am not yet finished speaking. "Mentally incapacitated."
"Teme!" He begins to threaten me. I feint a yawn.
He's so cute when he does that.
"Hora," he says softly. "A shooting star." His face shines, akin to an eager child's. "Make a wish, kitsune."
But I had, Hana, a long time ago. And it didn't come true. It won't, ever.
I close my eyes. And I make a wish. After all, hoping beyond hope is not against the law.
So what if it is impossible? That's why it's a wish. A hope. A dream.
I concentrate on a mental image of your face, eternally happy, smiling at me. My comrade, my friend. The only thing that reality can permit.
Turning morbid, am I? And being more and more unbearable?
I know.
I honestly love you
I bite my lip, but I manage a toss in a teasing tone in my voice. "Himitsu."
Kaede ... aishiteru.
I wish ... that dreams can come true, too.
I discard these thoughts hastily. I'm being silly again.
"Fine. Be that way." He sulks, pouting, and I reprimand him primly.
"Do'ahou. If I'll tell you, it won't happen."
Not that it's probable at all in the first place.
"Whatever you say, kitsune." He gives up the argument, with a thoughtful expression on his face. It makes him unbearably tender and open, and I, at once, withdraw my gaze.
"Hana ..." I venture. This would not be easy, or pleasurable. But I had to know.
"How did you know ... where I live?"
He smiles. "Ah. Well ... Remember when you fell asleep on your way home some time ago? I saw you ... And so did Smiley. He said he was out on some errand and he was running late, so he just told me your address so that I can bring you home." He sticks out his lip. "Couldn't help but wonder then, how did Smiley know such a thing."
Damn that ahou. Ah well.
We lapse into that meditative silence again.
"Kitsune?"
"Hn?"
"Why me?" So truthful, so blunt, so pure.
What could I say? "I don't know, Hana."
"Ah. Sou." It may just be my imagination, but did he smile at me?
"Why not you?" I whisper to myself, yet I am sure he heard it.
"Because I can't love you back." The words are not meant for me to hear, uttered in a soft exhale of breath.
Oh no. He's going to start blaming himself again. I can't have that.
"Hana ..." he turns to face me, lying on his side, eyes questioning, moonlight playing with his features, bathing him in a glow, making him heartrendingly ethereal. He takes my breath away. I struggle for control.
"What is it?" Concern reverberates in his voice.
"If I were a girl ... if ..." What's the girl's name again? "If you never met Ha ... Haruko ... If you were a girl ... Do you think you would ...?"
"Those situations are different, kitsune." There is a strain in your voice. That, I did not imagine, surely.
I am such a masochist.
"Demo."
"If I never met Haruko-san," he starts, "I wouldn't have met you in the first place. I would have continued hating basketball ..."
"You'll never know," I cut in.
He agrees with me with a slight shake of head. "I guess I won't."
"You haven't answered my question yet." Though I dare not hope.
"Kitsune ..." He keeps his eyes angled, not staring at mine as had been the past few minutes, intent on not meeting my eyes. I look at the sky, in turn.
"You're a friend. Even from the start, you were an ally. Still an ally. And I appreciate you, as part of the team. But that wasn't your question." He sighs. "If you were a girl, if Haruko-san wasn't in the picture, if we met in a different way, if you weren't a heartthrob and so goddamn drop-dead gorgeous ..." My eyes bug out, almost popping out of the sockets. "To the point that it's so envious ..." He still refuses eye contact. "Yes. I would have."
I release a breath I did not realize I was holding.
There are lumps in my throat; I force the words out.
"Arigatou."
In another place and time
This moment might be ending with a kiss
"What?"
Is my request that weird?
"Kaede." Surprising, no doubt, but he is exaggerating. "Please. Just this once. Call me Kaede, Hana. I'm not asking for anything but that. Onegai."
"This isn't going to help us both, kitsune," he reminds me.
What else had I got to lose?
"And what is?" My voice is so annoyingly weak and too soft for comfort. "Tell me, Hana. What is going to help us both?"
He does not speak.
I content myself by staring at a distinct point on the sky, in the constellation Orion. Left leg of the Giant. One of my lucky stars, unforgotten from my Physics readings. Rigel.
"Kitsune."
"Hn."
"If I tell you I'll be lying ... and I tell you I love you, what will you feel?"
To say the least, I am shocked at the statement.
He continues. "If what I did by rejecting you was to push a knife at your guts, then your request is something like twisting the knife around."
I glare at Rigel, as if it was the source of my problems.
"And if it would quicken my death, and spare me the agony of waiting to die?" I counter. "Would you do it then?"
His reply is resolute. "Yadda." Before I can ask why, he adds, "Who said that the wound would be incurable?" He crosses his arms over his chest, chin set in a determined way. "Don't you think I caused you enough hurt? Why add to it? Why let somebody die when you could do something about it?" He smiles suddenly. "There is such thing as Healing, kitsune. Everybody serves their purpose alive."
I allow a hollow laugh. "Psychiatrist. Who would have thought? Guess we had you pegged wrong. Do'ahou."
"Damn right you did." Pause. "Kaede."
My eyes narrow. I delight in it secretly, of course. Where is a voice recorder when I need one? His voice saying my name is heavenly. However, I will not give him the satisfaction. "Do'ahou. You said ..."
"You can be Healed, ne?" His grin is contagious; I feel the corners of my lips lifting. "Consider it a favor by a friend."
I nod. A favor by a friend. And a Healing. By a friend.
No more, no less.
I won't screw it up, of course, this time.
And here I am with mine
So I guess we'll just be leaving it at this
"I insist." I look at him intently. "Shut up, or I'll kiss you."
"You won't." He doesn't sound too sure, however. "You're not insane enough."
"Really?"
My voice must be too sly and too much of a drawl. He hastily surrenders. "Fine."
"What? I can kiss you?"
"Waah, urusai, hentai kitsune!"
Kawaii. Just kawaii.
I am suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling of deja vu, which I immediately push at the corner of my mind.
"I'm not Sendou."
"I know, I'm not stupid!"
I mock surprise. "Sou ka? I didn't notice."
"Nani?! Just what do you mean by that?!"
"Whatever a do'ahou makes of it," I respond automatically.
"Teme!"
"We're here."
He blinks. He didn't even notice that we had arrived at his house, at his very door.
"Why do you know ...?" He trails off. "No, I don't want to know."
"Ch'." I shift my weight, rather uneasily. This is it.
"So." He leans on the closed door, arms crossed casually across his chest.
"Aren't you even going to invite me in?"
He deadpans with a straight face. "Iie. You're going to rape me."
"Hentai do'ahou."
I know have to go. But I can't.
"You have to go now, kitsune."
He doesn't have to tell me.
It kills me to leave him. Hah. As if he would even notice me. Nonetheless ...
"But you can stay."
Is he insane?! He did not just say that. Is he aware of the fact that he's making it harder for me?
"I can," I agree. "But I'm not going to."
"I expected as much."
Before he can say anything else, I dash to him and hold him tight. There was an "umph" as our bodies collided. I press my cheek against his brilliant hair of scarlet, breathing his essence, feeling him in my arms. I shower chaste kisses on the air a centimeter from his ear.
"Kitsune." He makes no move to hinder or to encourage me, and he does not flounder about, allowing contact.
"Arigatou. Aishiteru, Hana, zutto."
Before I would not be able restrain myself, I pull away from his warmth, and briskly go on with my way.
"Gomen."
I honestly love you
"Another R fic, Kaede?" you ask cheekily as you sit down beside me.
"Hentai ahou." I press my lips together. Thankfully enough, you keep quiet.
Threading your hands through your loose hair, you peer at me with dark blue knowing eyes. "It's about him, na, Kaede?" You snap your fingers. "Unrequited angst."
"It's your stupid fault, ahou."
"You read too much fics."
"I don't see you complaining when you see NC-17 and your name strung vey close with no words of negation."
You cross your arms defensively. "I do complain. I hate it when we get paired."
"Koshino. Maki. Fujima. Even Kogure, god's sake." I suddenly lose interest as a name pops in my head. I shake my head.
"Him again." There is a note of amusement in your voice.
My head jerks upward. Damn you. You can see right through me.
"Bet he's the envy of your shinetai."
That ever so familiar satiric feeling twists my lips. "He rejected me."
You shrug. "Not every story can have a fairytale ending. This just might be one of them."
"Demo ..."
I've been dreaming of him, of us, together. Not just those dreams, mind you, but ... you know. Graduating from college. Living in America. Playing basketball. Getting married. Adopting kids. Squabbling over the household chores ...
Crazy, isn't it?
You had been speaking for a while. "... Who knows? Maybe he's not the guy for you. Maybe you'll get hitched with him sooner or later. Maybe you'll get over him and find somebody else. Maybe ..."
"I'd just commit suicide. No difference if I die sooner or later."
"Aww, Kaede, you're being morbid again ..."
"So?" I'm exhausted. I just want to collapse on my bed. I don't think I can sleep, not with him in my mind, and you babbling on the background.
I'm soooooo tired.
"It's just sexual tension, Kaede." Casual shrug. "If you want, I can help you ... I'm sure Hiro-kun won't mind ..."
Sometimes, it's hard to discern if you're joking or not.
I am so not in the mood.
I sprawl facedown unceremoniously, on my stomach, on the sheets.
"Are you up to it, Akira? Gags. Collars. Leash. Whip. Paddle. Clamps. Razors."
"Come to think of it, Hiro-kun will get very, very angry if he finds out ..."
I didn't even bother to snort.
"You're uptight; I was just kidding. Relax, Kaede. You're stressed out."
"I know."
"Don't even try not to think about him. It will drive you mad, that."
"Nothing is ever easy." I laugh mirthlessly. "But this is ridiculous, Akira. It's so different."
You stood up and frowned reverently. "Kaede."
"You're right. I read too much." I'm not really aware if I'm speaking out loud, or making any sense at all. "He is the flame that I subconsciously seek. And as you know very well, not even Ice can withstand Fire." I shift my weight to one side. "I well aware of the fact, Akira. And I honestly don't care."
"Hana-kun doesn't know how lucky he is," you conclude wryly as I stare blankly at the computer chair in line with my vision. "Tough luck, Kaede. You're still in deep."
Yes. I still love him. And I will wait.
After all, we are friends now.
The word leaves my lips as you say it.
"Hopeless."
OWARI
Sha Gojyo: \with Cho Hakkai\ {concerned} Is Rhygell-chan okay?
Nakago: \smirking\ {disdainful} She hasn't stopped crying after writing that fic, I Honestly Love You.
Kudou Youji: {flippant} Ch'. Is anybody with her in that infernal room in case she goes suicidal?
Marron Glace: Nuriko-san and Muraki-sensei are with her. \shrugs\ Ken is standing guard by the door.
Youko Kurama: {haughty} Isn't I Honestly Love You a Slam Dunk Fic?
Hisoka: \Building a house of cards\ {bored} Why aren't they doing something about it?
Allen Schezar: {dazed} She kicked Dilandau out when he went to see her. I can't believe it. Dilandau is one of her Favorites ...
Alec Howell: {disbelieving} Really? She did?
Seta Soujiro: {pensive} Why would she do that?
Nigisa Kaworu: {uncaring} She only talks to those with unrequited love ... it does not concern me, so why should I bother ...?
Lan Fei Hung: I hope she's okay ...
Jin: {worried} I Honestly Love You is based from Rhygell-chan's life, isn't it?
Rukawa: {sulky} There's no lemon, and I'm miserable there.
Koshino: Not to mention insane.
Rukawa: \glares at Koshino\
Kiyota: It has a crappy ending, by the way.
Mitsui: \with Kogure\ I think that Hanagata and Sakuragi had better talk her out of it, since they're Favorites ...
Sendou: \Turns to Hanagata and Sakuragi\ {anxious} You should. Or else, she won't make any lemon ...
[Everybody shudders at the thought and pushes Hanagata and Sakuragi inside the room, praying for the best]
Sha Gojyo and Cho Hakkai—Gensomaden Saiyuuki, Nakago and Nuriko—Fushigi Yuugi, Kudou Youji and Hidaka Ken—Weiss Kreuz, Marron Glace—Bakuretsu Hunters, Muraki—Yami no Matsuei, Youko Kurama—Yuu Yuu Hakusho, Hisoka—Hunter X Hunter, Allen Schezar and Dilandau Albatou—Tenkuu no Escaflowne, Alec Howell—Ayashi no Ceres, Seta Soujiro—Rurouni Kenshin, Nigisa Kaworu—Neon Genesis Evangelion, Lan Fei Hung—Cooking Master Boy. All the other guys are Slam Dunk characters.