Rand lay with his back to the dying fire wrapped in his cloak. He was wide awake. Not a few minutes earlier had Egwene and Moiraine returned from their nightly excursion in the woods and he could hear Moiraine settling herself into her own cloaks. Egwene had barely made a sound and he could feel her eyes on him from across the fire-pit. Burn me if Ill turn around. He knew he was being stubborn, but for some reason he could not let this anger go. Why is she so eager to be off and away from everything we have ever known.
Suddenly he heard rustling, and before he could turn around realized Egwene had slipped away again. Turning sharply, furious, -She even took her cloak- Light Egwene, what are you planning- and quickly got to his feet, forgetting to be quiet for the sake of the others.
As he took off after Egwene, he had the feeling that not one of them was asleep anyway, despite their still forms and closed eyes. Even Lan's eyes had been closed, though the man was sitting back against a tree, one knee drawn. Rand walked briskly though the forest, pushing branches out of his way, muttering to himself of what he would say when he caught up to her. If- if he caught her. That thought twisted like ice in his gut, and he was about to hurry when suddenly he was upon her.
She stood not ten feet from him, in a small clearing that allowed just enough moonlight through the dense overhang to outline her in light. Rand found himself holding his breath. She is a vision. Egwene glowed, the moonlight on her dark hair, hanging loosely over one shoulder and down her back. He could see her face perfectly, round and beautiful, her dark eyes watching him. He was startled to realize she was in her shift!- He opened his mouth to speak as his eyes followed the curves of the snug fitting fabric- and closed his mouth again.
For the first time he realized that her cloak was spread on the ground behind her. He looked at it for a moment and swallowed. Hard. He started to speak. "Egwene, you can't keep going off playing at being…something else…thinking nothing will happen. What if one day I can't be there and something you don't expect happens and…" She started towards him, her face falling into shadows as she came close enough that her breasts just brushed his shirt. She put a finger to his lips and he could not but stare down at her. He became all too aware of how close she was standing, his hands felt grimy with sweat and pangs, warm and sharp began coursing through his body.
"Rand, stop talking now. I'm far from home. And I don't know where my future is going to take me." Her eyes were so earnest, her words so honest, it hurt him to hear them coming out of her mouth. "But some things are still right- right now they are. I have always loved you Rand al'Thor. I love you, right now. And I want to make love to the man I love like any other woman in the world." As she was speaking, Rand hadn't noticed her hands sliding up his arms, over his broad shoulders, her voice had become a whisper as she went on the tips of her toes, hands caressing his neck, then the back of his head, her eyes were closing as she pulled him down toward her.
At that moment everything washed out of Rand, replaced by the pulsing need that had been growing inside him from the moment he first saw her standing there in the moonlight. It felt so good to be with her like this, it felt so right.
Rand slid his arms around her waist and pressed her body against his and kissed her. Her lips were so soft, so moist. Tenderly, he parted his own lips, and began to probe her lips with his tongue. As she opened her lips to let him in, warmth spread from head to toe, passing between them and sharper pangs began to ache in his lower stomach. Their tongues met, softly at first, but as little moans began escaping from them both, their kissing grew less gentle, more hungry. His hands seemed to have a mind of their own, caressing her buttocks, running over her hips, one hand slid down on top of the shift between her legs and held there, urged on by Egwenes sudden and sharp moan. His other hand slid up to her breasts, lightly running his fingers across her nipples, then gently and firmly massaging each one, back and forth over and over. She threw her head back, eyes closed as he traced her neck with his tongue, kissing her, tasting her and she brought her head back to kiss him again, this time completely reckless. Oh Egwene! Light- how many times have I dreamt of this…She tore her lips away and whispered on the tips of her toes, "make love to me Rand."
She threw her arms around his neck, hugging him, he nuzzled his face into her neck, lifting her gently from her feet, nodding haggardly. "I love you Egwene," he spoke fiercely into her ear. He couldn't explain why his voice came out broken. She squeezed him tighter as he set her feet down again and she turned her face to look up at his, arms hooked behind his neck. He thought he would never forget how she looked at that moment, looking up at him, vulnerable, needing him, wanting him. "And I love you Rand." She giggled softly pressing her face against his chest, then looked up and smiled. "It feels so good to say that to you."
They stood there a minute, just looking at each other, and he smiled a small smile, and leaned down to kiss her again, gently. She started to push him back, and he realized with a start that it was toward the cloak she had placed on the ground. Taking his hand, she changed places with him never taking her eyes from his, like they were in a dance. She stood at the cloaks' edge now, and let Rand's hand drop. His heart began hammering away in his chest, and he swallowed again as he watched her pull the straps of her shift down over each shoulder and bringing her arms out and through.
"Egwene I…" His throat felt too dry to go on. She ignored him and began sliding the shift down. The night was cold and he could see small goose-bumps spread across her pale skin. He held his breath as it began to reach her the tops of her breasts and could not take his eyes away as the shift slid down to her bellybutton, exposing her nipples. Her stomach was so flat, her breasts so… when he looked up at her face he knew she was fiercely blushing but had a determined look in her eyes…burn me, what am I doing…this is Egwene! He tore his eyes away in a rush of shame and hastily turned around.
"Egwene, I am sorry. I..I…I didn't mean to…please forgive me Egwene, I…"
Suddenly her arms wrapped around his waist, her left hand was sliding dangerously close to…He hadn't heard her move and silently cursed her bare feet. He turned around inside the ring of her arms and there she was, her body so close to his so that he could see the tops of her breasts pressed against him. He took her in- seeing her as if for the first time; a woman grown- the woman he loved- as he put his arms around her and began lightly running his fingers up and down her bare back. She shivered at his touch and he held her closer still. A sureness began to creep into his actions, his thoughts. His awkwardness, his boyish shyness began to melt away as the rightness of it settled over him.
"Egwene, are you sure this is what you want?" He looked into her face, searched for any sign of doubt. He found none.
"Make love to me Rand. The world crumbles around us. Everything is uncertain, now. I want this, to always have this, no matter what happens." Everything is uncertain, now. But as she smiled up at him, knowingly, the thought slipped away and he was smiling, more to himself, as he kissed her again. Light but kissing her, holding her feels so good. Softly at first, the kissing became more urgent as she fumbled at his shirt ties, and pulled it up over his head, not pausing kissing him again running her hands all over his chest and arms and back. He was suddenly glad for all the long hours of chores on the farm that had sculpted his body, lean but muscular. He sighed softly as her hands began unlacing his pants and tugging at them and his smallclothes both, he pulled them off and stepped out of them hastily, still kissing her then pulled her back to him. Skin on skin, Rand imagined how they must have looked there in the moonlight. Just two young lovers in the night, like any other with not a care in the world. No duty- for either of them. Just each other.
She pressed against his hardness and he groaned a little. Gently, he pulled her down with him to the cloak on the ground, his hand and forearm caressing her back and head, until he was on top of her resting on his elbows, his hands stroking her hair. He could feel her heart beating through her chest, feel the stickiness of her palms as they caressed his neck and shoulders and back. Nothing had ever felt so right as he looked at her, she shifted her hips until her legs opened a little and she looked back at him expectantly, waiting. He found he knew just what to do despite never having done it before.
He smiled softly at her, and leaned down to kiss her as he moved his hand over her breasts, her stomach until he was touching her. Desire, like warm and sharp cramps surged through him and he guided his hardness inside her, watching her face. "Is that alright." He asked hoarsely. She gasped, her eyes widening. His skin felt on fire. Egwene, oh Egwene. So long for so many nights he imagined her like this, but it was so much different, so much better now. She responded by pulling his face to hers, kissing him, urging him as she groaned softly. He kept pushing himself inside her, very slowly, gradually moving faster and faster. He was aware of the stickiness of their sweat against each other, despite the coolness, of every arch of her back, her every movement. Nothing else existed, nothing but him and Egwene and the feeling of rightness.
At last, her moaning became louder until she shuddered and let out a loud sound- half scream, half sigh. A moment later, everything turned warm and fuzzy as his burning passion climaxed and he collapsed on top of her, panting and sweating kissing her face gently. Her nails dug into his back. He slid out of her and she groaned softly, rolling onto his back he pulled her to him until she was nestled into his side. He felt…complete, with his arms around her. All the moments over the years spent wanting Egwene, loving her, caring about her, laughing with her reeled through his head. With his free arm he wrapped the cloak around them both until they were covered. She laughed softly into his chest. "I never thought…Rand. Are you alright?" She shifted her head to look at him. Concern and…anxiety?- in her eyes. He smiled at her and kissed her forehead gently. "I have never been better." He replied and she laughed again, squeezing him. He thought he heard her murmur "good" and shook his head slightly. What would the women's circle say- Light! Don`t think about that! Thinking about those women was enough to stop any mans desire for eternity.
Rand lay awake until her breathing grew even; thinking of Egwene, of duty and death, of what it meant to be taveren, what it meant to be Aes Sedai. A feeling he could neither shake nor explain settled over him. Tonight, none of that matters. We have tonight. "I love you Egwene." He spoke softly and kissed her hair. Sleep came easily for the first time in what felt to Rand like a long time.
Rand opened his eyes to sunlight leeching through the forested canopy above, startled for a moment and then remembered as Egwene shifted slightly beneath his arms. Suddenly, he heard a small shuffle and was instantly alert again. Lifting his head to look around, his eyes fell on Moiraine standing at the edge of the clearing, watching them with what seemed to Rand was…sadness. His eyes widened but she smiled gently, kindly and raised a hand as if to soothe him. In a whispered voice, she said "I am sorry to disturb you, like this. But we must be off. I have waited as long as I could to wake you, but the others grow restless and time waits for no one…or nothing." She paused, and turned to go, then looked back opening her mouth as if to speak, but said nothing, and disappeared through the thicket as mysteriously as she had appeared.
Rand shook his head softly as he lowered it back to the ground. Light- how long had she been standing there? She must know… I should be more embarrassed. But why did she look so sad and why was she being so…understanding. He put it out of his mind and gently shook Egwene. Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled warmly up at him. "Rand." She said and he leaned down and kissed her lips softly. It lasted no longer than a moment, but when he pulled away her smile was gone, and her eyes were filled with tears. He didn't understand why he felt like crying too.
"We should…probably… be going." He told her, and didn't know why he sounded so reluctant. Its not as if once we leave this place we cant do this again. This is the beginning of something…new. Not the end. Light, why does it feel like the end? Egwene nodded, as if to herself and slowly sat up, the cloak falling around her bare shoulders. She blushed suddenly, and smiled shyly, getting up quickly and began to dress herself. Rand thought she had never looked more beautiful. Shaking his head again, he stood up and blushed as he realized he had no clothes on either and hurriedly pulled his clothes on too. They caught eyes once and both looked away, slightly embarrassed as the night before- the abandon of their actions, the vulnerability of their words- was remembered. The awkwardness faded, however, and something else gripped them both.
The magic they had shared the night before was as real as his own skin, but somehow he saw it now as though looking through rose-colored glasses. He could almost feel the sand draining through the hourglass. Rand watched her as she gathered her cloak and wrapped it around herself, putting her face into it and breathing deeply. Smiling, a sad but determined smile, she stretched out her hand and Rand took it. Her hand was so small in his. They looked at each other a moment and he kissed her again, softly. She suddenly gripped his face between her hands as he pulled away and looked at him intently. "I love you Rand al'Thor." She said it like the weight of the world depended on it.
He put his hand over hers and then hugged her fiercely, smelling her hair letting her scent and her touch overwhelm him. She hugged him back, almost clinging to him, like if they held each other tightly enough, it would be enough to keep them together. Duty, duty duty, duty. They held hands again as they pulled apart and silently walked back to the camp. Why does it feel like we've just said goodbye.
As they emerged though the trees, everyone but glanced up at them from their packing and saddling, but it felt like a strange weight hung in the air. Like some knowledge of what was to come and thus, what was to be given up- left behind; had crept into their dreams as they slept. Nynaeve gave Egwene what seemed to Rand a sympathetic smile, but raised a single eyebrow at him before turning back to her horse. Moiraine did not look at either of them at all as she swung into the saddle, but it seemed deliberate. Egwene squeezed his hand once before letting go and she knelt down by her bundle. Light, Egwene, what is happening to us? Rand looked at her a moment longer and walked away. Everything is uncertain, now. As Rand walked over to where his things lay, Mat wore a small smile on his face, glancing over his shoulder at Egwene and looked about to speak as Perrin gave him a hard look and shook his head. Mat just shrugged but his smile grew.
Lan kept glancing at Nynaeve who seemed to be making a point of ignoring him, but Rand thought he saw tears in her eyes. He walked over by Rand as he swept away the remnants of the fire and said, in a voice low enough none but Rand could hear, almost like he were talking to himself. "I am sorry, shepherd. But a man must do his duty." Rand just stared at his back as Lan moved away.
Everyone packed in silence and as Lan swept the area clean of any trace anyone had ever been there, the others mounted their horses and settled into their saddles. Egwene did not look at Rand and he felt like crying, like screaming. It was all so unfair. He never asked for any of this, and yet, here it all was, at his feet. After Lan was saddled as well, Moiraine broke the solemn silence.
"It is a new day. Let us ride." And she kicked Aldieb into slow walk.
The others followed in a silent line, every one seeming absorbed in their own thoughts. And as they crested the hill that took the campsite out of site, finally, Rand could not but look back, his eyes brimming, remembering her face, her love, her words. The world crumbles around us. Everything is uncertain, now. I want this, to always have this, no matter what happens. No matter what happens.