Don't Bet Against Bella
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A Fiction for Fandom for Preemies
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A/N: I'd like to thank everyone who donated to the Fandom for Preemies. This was originally a part of the compilation for that fundraiser. If you regularly read my "stuff", this is pretty different. Absolutely no one dies, there isn't a single drop of blood, and people are laughing. Thank you to Aciepey, AmelieGray, MoreThanMyself and YellowGlue for the preread. May the sparklepeen shine it's lovely light upon you. Rated M for sexual content.
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Bella sat, amused, satisfied. She read a magazine, sitting in the waiting room chair, legs crossed, the top one swinging lazily. She'd occasionally raise her eyes to the door that he'd disappeared behind, hiding a giggle behind her hand before flipping another page.
Edward had lost a bet. This was his payment. The bet? Simple. "You'll never be able to beat me at chess Isabella, I don't know why you bother. I've a century's experience over you."
She'd scoffed immediately. She'd been practicing, determined to excel over him at this one thing. "You can't cheat with me, Edward. Have you forgotten that you can't just pluck my next move out of my mind like you do with Jasper?"
He'd leaned into her, ghosting his lips against hers chastely. "Yes Isabella, that's true. However, I do know you, probably better than you know yourself. I don't need to read your mind when you combine that with my expertise."
They'd gone back and forth for days, then she decided the bet needed to be official.
She had realized exactly how this could work in her favor. If she couldn't get what she wanted one way, she'd get it another. "So I can pick anything, anything at all, and you'll give it to me?"
He laughed. "Well, almost anything. I won't change you sooner. We will still wait for that. Anything else."
Right. Take that Edward "Perfect" Cullen. Who's laughing now?
The wager was predictable on his end. He wins, we wait another year to change me. Blah, blah, blah, "Your precious humanity, your soul..." always with trying to postpone the inevitable. Maddening.
He blanched when she spoke the words. "You want me to what?"
She'd thrust the paper in his hand, outlining the process. She watched as the arrogant wheels turned in his head, so sure he'd win that he gave only a moments second thought to agreeing. Perfect.
"Whatever you want Isabella. If you win, and this will make you happy, why not?" He rolled his eyes.
Why not indeed.
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Bella watched as the aide left the small room, Edward's silhouette clear for her to see. He sat on a basic armless chair, his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands. The aide returned, trailing a smarmy looking man behind her, and shut the door.
Bella was curious, but not alarmed. She abandoned the magazine for her iphone, banging out a 30 point word on Words With Friends in her game with Esme. Of course her game with Alice was impossible, hard as she tried. She only played along so as not to hurt Alice's feelings.
About five minutes later, the three walked out of the room. Edward was visibly flustered, the man speaking to him resembled a used car salesman. "Just give it some more thought Mr. Cullen, it could be very lucrative, not to mention something for the little lady," he looked at Bella pointedly, "to brag about with her lady friends. Take my card, talk it over with the girlfriend, and let me know if you change your mind."
He walked hurriedly over to her, taking her hand and pulling her up forcefully. He thrust a brown paper bag into her hands, then grabbed her above her elbow, speaking through gritted teeth. "Let's go. Now."
As they sped along the highway, back towards home, Bella waited. She'd figured out by this point that there was no forcing Edward to talk about something that had upset him without forcing him into his emo hidey hole. She kept an eye on his hands, the tightness with which he gripped the steering wheel giving her a good indication that she should still remain quiet.
It wasn't until they were back at Bella's house that he cracked. "You haven't opened your reward Isabella. What's wrong?" He paced in a circle in her tiny room.
She was truly concerned over the severity of his reaction, considering she hadn't used it. Yet. "Edward, what's wrong? You seemed, at worst, resigned to this before. Now you look so angry."
"Well, my Bella, Jessica, who took the casting, swore she'd never seen anything like mine, then went to get the owner of that very lovely establishment. He's requested permission to use the cast and," he cleared his throat, "manufacture a physical likeness to sell to the general public."
Bella knew she should feel jealousy, anger, something along those lines. Instead she was amused, excited. This was, after all, her intended. If it was that good...
She pulled the model out of the bag, twisting and turning it in her hands. She met Edward's gaze shyly, intimidated by what she held in her hands. Until. "Really Edward? It sparkles too?"
Edward groaned and threw himself face down onto her bed. "Just...just stop Bella. Enough."
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An hour later and Edward seemed far away from his anger about his day. Bella smiled in satisfaction as she held his attention. She had given him a choice, he could watch, or he could hear about it from Alice.
He'd kissed her then, taking things no further than the usual kissing, groping, and the leg hitch that was pure torture. She asked if he was done, her breaths fast and shallow. "Bella, I can't, you know I can't."
She responded dryly, "Of course you can't."
Moments later, he sat at the head of her bed. His back was straight, his legs stretched, crossed, before him. She lay facing opposite of him. Her feet were on the wall by Edward's head, her body stretched alongside his legs.
She wet her middle finger with saliva, bringing it to her pussy. He let out a breath between clenched teeth. She circled her clit, then dipped her finger inside, watching his face as she did. Oh, he's cracking. She kept circling, being sure to purr and coo innocently, just like he liked, as she did so.
He finally met her eyes, his black and lusting, hers brown and filled with want. Her orgasm hit her like a truck, hard, unforgiving. He gazed at her in wonderment after.
Time to pull out the big guns, as they say.
She reached to the floor, where the bag sat. She pulled out the perfect model of Edward's cock that was inside, and brought it to her mouth. She sucked it into her mouth, pulling it in and out, getting it dripping wet with her saliva as Edward looked on in a mix of desire and terror.
She placed the perfect replica of Edward in between her breasts, sliding it up and down between them. She slid it down her belly, past her mons until it was poised to enter her pussy. Edward's face, awestruck and tight-lipped, was inches away from both.
Bella started to push, the first half of the tip of the toy entering her. She sighed, already loving the stretch that she'd waited for all this time. She growled when she felt cold fingers halt her progress, holding her wrist.
"Edward! You promised!" She was furious.
He stared into her eyes, she wasn't sure if he even saw her, the gaze seeming deeper than that. She watched as a mischievous leer came to his lips. He wrapped his hands around the toy. "Allow me."
He was slow at first, undoubtedly concerned she'd never done this before. It may have been much smaller, but you won't be finding a barrier dear Edward.
He stared at her face, seemingly in wonder at her reactions. She was in heaven, and he was only inserting the shaped head of the toy in and out of her. An inch, maybe an inch and a half of penetration and she was done for. He kept his slow pace, watching her orgasm minutes later, appearing to be fascinated with this new tool.
When Bella grabbed for it, needing a more intense release, he held it to him, like a piece of candy kept from a schoolmate.
"Edward! You promised! I need it now!"
He stared at her pussy, then looked into her eyes. "Damn it all to hell," he said, throwing the surrogate to the ground, "you want me Isabella? Well have me you will!"
As he entered her, all she could think of was how he filled her, how perfect his cock was inside of her. She giggled internally at the thought of thousands of women having access to his perfection, without having to deal with the reality of being the chosen one of a vampire. A chaste, virgin vampire at that.
Stay in the moment Bella!
He quickened his pace, endearments dripping off his lips, inciting her into further lust. "So good, so warm, so much more than I ever thought could be."
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Later,in bed, she was enjoying the cool maneuverings of Edward's fingers over her skin. He was behind her, one hand furrowed in her hair, the other caressing her skin from her thighs to her scalp.
"Edward?"
"Hmm?"
She sat up looking at him. "What did you tell them?"
He reached for a strand of her hair, twirling it around his fingers. "Tell who?"
Bella poked him in the chest. "You know, about it?"
He looked up at her shyly, a grin on his face.
She jumped on him, straddling him and pushing repeatedly on his chest. "NO!"
Edward's grin grew, then he was laughing.
She sat there, on him, her mouth gaping open.
He was laughing so hard, Bella was bouncing on him. "Bella, do you really think I would do such a thing?"
She leaned into him, kissing him deeply. "Pity for the women of the world, I guess."
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The clicking of her heels echoed through the hall as she steadfastly approached the great ruling hall of the Volturi. Embarrassment would not sway her from her mission, this was too important. Rules had been broken, and the violator must be made to pay.
The massive doors were parted for her by two underlings. She walked through the entryway with her head held high, a firm grip on her purse, it's important contents. She strode up to Aro, bowing her head slightly. "Master."
He rose from his throne, a smile beaming, a twinkle in his eye. He walked toward her, clapping his hands as he spoke. "Caius tells me you have an interesting tale to tell us? I'm so curious!" He stepped directly in front of her, holding his hands out. "May I, my dear Jane?"
She extended her hand. "Yes Master."
He took her hands in his, his touch delicate. His mouth opened in surprise as he viewed the events that brought her here. Finally, he threw his head back, a hysterical laugh overwhelming his body. "Isn't this a unique development!"
He stood before her, trying to regain his composure. It appeared to be quite difficult for him, she noted with growing aggravation, as he continued to giggle, wiping non-existent tears from his eyes. She fought the desire to use her power on him to show him just how funny she found this to be.
"Master! I have very trustworthy information that it is what the packaging states! He mustn't be allowed to get away with this! The details make it clear that this is based off of a true vampire! Think of the danger if the humans found him!"
Aro brought himself back to a controlled state, taking deep breaths and fanning his face as he did. "Okay, okay, okay. My apologies." He blew out an extended breath. "You say you have a trusted source? I'm assuming this is Tanya, since she is who gave it to you?" He snorted, dissolving into giggles again.
Caius stepped forward now, observing Jane with scrutiny. "What is this nonsense you bring to us?"
Aro, bent at the waist, one hand on his thigh, still guffawing, waved his other hand at her. "Go on Jane darling, you may as well just show him."
Jane stiffened. She should have just tracked the guilty party down herself.
Marcus looked on, his usually bored affect showing a faint trace of mirth. Jane steeled herself for the reaction, hoping Caius had more sense than Aro at this point.
She opened her bag and pulled out the package, it's contents sparkling and pale behind the plastic, and thrust it into Caius' hands.
She waited as he looked at it, a perplexed look taking over his face. Then, brow furrowed, he queried her. "You can put it in the freezer?"
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Months later, the Cullens were getting ready for Christmas. Bella was scouring the internet for gift ideas because, really, what do you buy centuries old vampire billionaires? She had decided on gag gifts for the whole family.
Jasper would be receiving The Civil War for Dummies, Emmett would be the recipient of The Guinness Book of World Records so he could try to beat them all, Esme an Italian cookbook. She was still thinking on Carlisle, but the girls, she knew what to get them.
So it was that she was flipping through different product descriptions, looking for the biggest and most embarrassing sex toys available. She stopped cold as a chill ran down her spine.
"No." She said. She stared at it, clicked on the listing. She ran to her bed, digging the box out from under it. She brought Junior to the desk, comparing the one in her hand to what was on screen. She picked up her phone, and sent a text to Edward.
"Need to see you. NOW. Through the window. Srsly. NOW"
Bella had a tape measure wrapped around Junior when Edward stepped through the window.
"Isabella what on earth are you doing? You needed me here, now, for that? Isn't that for when I'm elsewhere?"
"No Edward," she hissed "I needed you here for this!" She pointed at the laptop screen with Junior.
He stood behind her, staring at where she pointed. If he had any blood, it would have drained from his face. There it was, his penis, dismembered and being sold in an on-line sex shop. "Bella why are you shopping here?"
"Edward! Not now!"
"I'm just curious!" He snapped back. "The Vampire? Hmm...looks to be the same measurements..."
"You've measured before?" Bella laughed. "You are so vain, Edward!"
"Bella! Stick to...well stick to that!" He pointed at the screen.
"Edward, I thought you said no! And how do they know?"
"Bella I swear, I said no, and I'd never divulge my nature to a complete stranger."
"Well, what exactly did they do to you," she pointed at his pants zipper, "when you were in there?"
He shrugged. "It was fairly straight-forward Bella. I went in, was humiliated, and came out. Very simple."
She hugged him, nuzzling her face into his pants. "I'm sorry. But this is important now. So, what did they do?"
Edward sighed loudly. "First I was given some pornographic magazines, to help me become aroused. Then I was told to take it out. Jessica looked at it for some time, then mixed the slimy substance up."
"What do you mean she 'looked at it'," she interrupted, "like looked at it or looked at it." Her eyes narrowed at Edward.
His eyes narrowed back, and he spoke through clenched teeth. "Isabella, I'll remind you this was your idea. Now, to answer your question, I don't know, because I was standing there with my penis erect and on view and I was a little uncomfortable, can we move on?"
She nodded.
"Then Jessica pulled it out."
"WHAT?" Bella yelled.
"What did you expect would happen Bella? That I'd go in, stick it in some private hole, and magically your little friend would appear?" His hands were pulling at his hair, visibly frustrated. "Stop interrupting, this is bad enough."
He groaned. "She pulled it forward, placing it into the tray. I told you before that she commented that she hadn't seen one like mine. She asked me questions, chatter really, while she got the other tray ready, then she placed that on top of the other. She handed me the magazines so that I could maintain my erection. After about 15 minutes, she separated the trays, handed me some moist towelettes, went over to her work table, and worked her magic. I was left to clean myself and close up, so to speak."
He sat on the bed, across from Bella. "When she popped it out of the mold, she set it on the table. She said something about getting James. She left, then came back with this ridiculous man who wanted me to sign something giving them rights to use the mold to mass produce, er, me. I said no. He tried to flatter me, complimenting my penis, and I still said no. I was given my penis in a bag, and escorted out of the room. You saw the rest."
He drew a deep breath, and let it out slowly.
Bella bit her lip, thinking. "Edward, exactly what questions did Jessica ask you?"
He lay back on the bed, exasperated. "She asked me if I had put lotion on it, because it was glittery and cold. I told her yes. She asked me what brand it was. I told her my fiancee' would know that, not me."
"Well, Edward," she said, leaning forward, "I'm guessing she didn't believe you.
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After some discussion, they decided to ask for Carlisle's opinion on how to handle this. The fact was, this could end very badly for Edward if somehow the Volturi found out. The two walked into Carlisle's office and sat before him.
"What can I do for you, Edward? Bella?"
Carlisle listened to the whole sordid tale with his fingers tented before him, and a smile that grew by the minute.
"So let me consider."
"Edward lost at chess."
They nodded.
"Bella, won the bet."
More nodding. Damn straight I did!
"Bella picked her prize, which was having your member molded into a dildo, because you're too stubborn to have relations with her."
Edward snapped, "That's not exactly..."
Bella interrupted, louder. "Precisely!"
"You had this done, risking exposure to everyone, only to make love to her hours later."
They both fidgeted uncomfortably in their chairs. Hey, it worked, right?
"Now, you are asking me, and the family, to help you somehow turn this all around before the Volturi find out and behead you?"
Edward slumped in his chair. "That sounds about right."
Carlisle stood. "Family meeting then. Emmett is going to love this!"
Shit!
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They sat around the table, letting Carlisle explain with his abbreviated version, hoping to come to a quick and easy solution. They would have to wait for the laughter and mockery to end first. Carlisle was right, Emmett loved it. Everyone did, even Rosalie was laughing.
In the end, it was decided that the vampires would go to see this James, and when all seven vampires had him alone in a room, politely request that he remove the item from his store, and destroy the molds immediately. After all, they could be very persuasive.
They set out the next morning, all in black suits, with black hats and sunglasses.
Bella holed up at the Cullen residence for protection, the typical Edward overreaction. She spent the day nosing through his music, his journals and belongings. She was pleasantly surprised to hear voices in the house before lunchtime, so she ran down the stairs.
She stopped halfway down the stairs, gasping at what she saw. Aro, flanked by Jane and Alec, Caius and Marcus, Felix and Demitri.
"Oh what a lovely surprise to find you, here, alone. Aro was beckoning for her to come to him, something she did very slowly.
"I...I..." She stuttered, terrified. "They'll be right back. They just went to visit someone. They'll be back any minute though!"
"Jane," he commanded, and she stepped forth. "Show her, this could be such fun!"
Jane's lips were down-turned, her eyes slits as she looked at Aro, and then to Bella. Slowly she withdrew an item from the pocket of her long coat.
Aro, a maniacal smile on his face ignored Jane, staying focused on Bella. "What do you make of this, dear pet?"
Bella couldn't take her eyes of of Jane's hand, holding a perfect replica of Edward's, dick. She was breathing so fast, she felt like she was gulping air.
Aro, taking slow, measured steps towards Bella til he was right in front of her, whispered. "You look like you've seen a ghost beautiful child, look at how you tremble." He laughed abruptly, turning to wink at Caius, "Perhaps she's never seen one! I guess I'll have to talk to Edward about that!"
"Bella, you know what I've come for. You can give me your hand gracefully, or I can take it by force."
Bella extended her hand to him, hoping that the Cullens would show up immediately, before Aro decided to just kill her.
She'd kept her eyes down, staring at the floor while he read her. It wasn't until she felt him jerking her hand, pulling it back and forth, that she looked up at him.
Aro stood before her laughing hysterically. "Oooh, dear. I just, I cannot, this just gets better and better!" He'd let go of her hand, and was doubled over, his laughter bursting out between attempts to speak. "First it's Jane...so serious...oh my...and Edward...I can't...the most morose vampire ever...Bella it's just too much."
Bella looked over to Jane, who was the picture of rage. She threw down the dildo, and moved in Aro's direction. She stopped suddenly.
Bella heard a familiar voice, smooth but venomous. Edward!
"Ah, ah, ah Jane. Now you know he's going to know what you were thinking just then, how will you explain that? Tsk, tsk, dear girl, must get in control of those emotions!"
Aro turned and eyed Jane suspiciously, then turned his eyes to Edward. "Well my young friend," laughing again, "you seem to have gotten yourself into quite the situation!"
Edward grit his teeth, visibly tense. "Yes, quite."
Carlisle stepped forward. "Aro, the situation has been resolved. I think it's safe to say that we've thwarted any risk of discovery."
Aro walked to Edward, who met him with extended hands. "Oh, very interesting indeed! It does look like you've tied up all the loose ends."
He went to Carlisle, repeating the process. "Well Carlisle, your leadership of this growing coven continues to amaze, despite your odd choices. I trust we'll be finding out what a fascinating immortal the lovely Bella will be soon, yes?"
Carlisle nodded, a small smile on his lips. "Yes. The date has been set."
Caius stepped towards Aro. "That's it? What of Edward breaking the rules yet again!"
"The threat has been eliminated. Edward did not act with intent to expose, this was at best, a good guess."
As the contingent turned to go, Aro spoke. "Thank you, thank you so much. I don't think I've laughed this hard in all of my immortality." The Cullens and Bella watched from the front steps as Aro's group retreated.
Alice gasped, running back into the house, then skipping after the Volturi. "Jane. Jane!"
Jane turned to face her, eyes widening at the sight of Alice skipping towards her, waving the dildo back and forth, high above her head. "You left this! Rumor has it it's a limited edition, you may want to..."
Edward had run up behind Alice, plucking it out of her hand. "Alice, that's just gross," he hissed "I don't need that image in my head."
Jane snorted, then continued to walk away.
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Later, snuggled on the couch in Edwards bedroom, Bella could no longer keep her curiosity at bay.
"So exactly what did you do to James?"
Edward shrugged. "We just talked to him."
She sat up, her head cocked in confusion. "What happened to the whole 'kill any human who knows you're a vampire' thing? What about Jessica?" That gropey bitch.
"Well, Bella. He swore up and down that it was just a marketing ploy, not that he thought I was a vampire. Obviously I know it's the truth. James is quite convinced that we head up the mafia here, and that he'd molded, stolen and marketed the penis of a mafia prince, worldwide." He chuckled. "We told him that a family member in Italy had received said penis, and was heavily traumatized when she found out who it belonged to, needing to seek therapy. We explained that obviously now he was on the family in Italy's radar, and that all of us would like to see this remedied."
"We watched him destroy the molds, burn all of the penises, and pull the listing from his website. I really think that he fears the mafia, and what they could do to him, more than he would have feared having his head ripped off by a vampire. This way there's no messy clean up or missing persons reports."
Bella looked at the dildo, sitting on the end table where he'd placed it when they sat down. "So now I have one for each house, eh?"
"Isabella why would you need one here, when you have me?"
She climbed up on his lap, looking at him with a cocked eyebrow. "Why indeed."
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The End
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E/N: I do hope you enjoyed my little foray into the world of humor. My first fic was a piece of dildo humor also. Hmmm. What does this say about me? More funny (to me at least) will be coming soon for the Fandom Against Domestic Violence fundraiser in January and the Foxyfics Parkinson's Disease fundraiser this spring.
If you'd like something more creepy in one shot format, my 30 Days of Em contribution is up. It's called The Caretaker and you can find it in my profile. It's my take on 70's campy horror flicks and spooky urban legends.
As always, thanks for reading.