The Hostess

by Undercooked

Enter the world of The Hostess; a story as tasteless as a Twinkie. In it, Melanie and Wanderer become Melander, Kyle is an otter, Doc is not quite himself, and the KKK is more fun than it used to be. But for your own safety...don't read more than once!

Disclaimer: I own The Host as much as I own a secret underground drug ring. Which is...not at all!! --sweats--

A/N: Once again, I display my prominent talent to pick up on ANY ridicule-able item in a book and ridicule it. Read, enjoy, sleep on it, have nightmares, and sue me. That's what usually happens anyway. :)

THE HOSTESS

By: Undercooked

Chapter 1 -- Hooray for Madness

The desert sun beat down.

"You HAD to choose the most UNCOMFORTABLE moment of this book to begin your fic with, didn't you?" panted the girl staggering across the sands.

"Why, yes." replied the omnipotent author, smiling like the Cheshire Cat. "Now get back to your near-death angsting."

And so, the girl staggered across the merciless desert, angsting about everything she once knew and loved...

"Hey, that girl don't look too good!" remarked a vulture sitting in a skeletal tree.

"Nope!" another replied.

"What d'you think we should do?"

"Sing?"

"Right-tootin'!"

"Water!" rasped the girl. "Food! Jared! Jamie!"

"Thhheeeeeeere's a hopeless girl in the desert! Thhhhheeeeeerre's a hopeless girl in the desert! There's a girl, thhheeeere's a girl, theeeere's a hopeless girl in the desert!" sang the first vulture.

The second chimed in just as the girl collapsed beneath the tree, panting and sunburned.

"There's a hopeless girl in the desert lookin' for her long lost friends! Thhhhheeeeere's a hopeless girl in the desert lookin' for her long lost friends! Thhhheeeeere's a girl, thhhheeere's a girl, thhhhheeere's a hopeless girl in the desert!"

The first chimed in again, swaying merrily.

"There's a hopeless girl in the desert lookin' for her long lost friends talkin' to herself! Thhhhhere's a hopeless girl in the desert lookin' for her long lost friends talkin' to herself! Thhhere's a girl, thhhheeeere's a girl, thhheeeere's a--"

But before he could finish, a bullet pierced his feathery chest. As he fell out of the tree, the second one flapped away hurriedly.

"AND STAY OUT, ya damn Jungle Book vultures!!" a voice called, and the sound of a shotgun reloading echoed over the desert.

The annoyingly Beverly Hillbillies reminiscent man approached, noticing the girl under the tree just in time to keep from stepping on her.

"HOLY FLIPPING FILLIES IN A FIELD OF FRYING FRENCH FRIES!!" he exclaimed. "IT'S MY NIECE!! BETTER TAKE HER BACK TO BEVERLY HILLS SO SHE CAN BEGIN A LIFE OF SOLITUDE AND ABUSE!!"

And, to make a long story short...he did.

---------------BACK IN BEVERLY HILLS (OTHERWISE KNOWN AS SOME RANDOM CAVE SYSTEM) -----------

After a boring period of angst that no-one really cares to rehash, Jeb, the annoying old man, led MelanieWhoIsn'tMelanieButSortOfIsButIsNowNamedWanderer (Melander), the girl under the tree, around, introducing her to everyone in the cave.

"This here is Kyle. Looks like the little fellow likes you!! Oops. No. He's trying to kill you." said Jeb, pointing to a angry-looking otter which was butting against Melander's leg.

"And this is Ian. He's sexy and single. Yep. He'll probably fall in love with you for lack of anything better to do." Jeb explained, pointing to a sad and lonely-looking bachelor who was crying in a corner.

"This is Unimportant Chick #1, Unimportant Dude #1, and Pedohiley."

"My name is Lily." she girl sniffed.

"Shut up, Pedophiley." Jeb snapped, continuing down the line.

"Here's CancerMan, Pedophiley's victim, Geoffrey, Lucina, and Jethro." he pointed at five people.

"You DO realize that the sitcom character on the Beverly Hillbillies' name was Jed, don't you?" asked Melander in a whisper.

"You shut it, little missy." Jeb snorted.

"And here we have the Professor." he claimed, pointing to a man in a lab coat, smoking a pipe. His head was very square.

"What happened to Doc?" asked Pedophiley, looking around.

"He was all...angsty...and....drinky. So we let him go." Jeb explained. "This is his replacement! He says he can make the perfect little girls! Isn't that right, Professor?"

"Right!" exclaimed the man. "All I need is sugar, spice, and everything nice!"

Melander blinked.

"And do you happen to have any Chemical X on you?" he asked, twitching a little.

"Um...nooo...." Melander murmured, backing away slowly.

Just then, interupting this somewhat disturbing exchange, two people dressed like the KKK burst in, screaming death oaths and warbling battle cries.

"Who are they?" Melander asked, her eyes the size of relatively small, bite-sized pies.

"Oh. That's just Sharon and Maggie. Don't pay them any mind." Jeb said flippantly, waving his hand nonchalantly at the white-hooded couple.

"Isn't someone going to stop them?" Melander whispered.

"Naw. They do this all the time. Now, when they sacrifice goats...that gets a little messy. But it's all in good fun." Jeb replied.

Melander shuddered and nearly fainted.

Could these psychos have perverted her spotless Jared and Jamie?

----------------YES, YES THEY WOULD------------------

Somewhere in the deep recesses of the caves, where no light shown, a thing once called Jared, now only called Gollop, treaded the slimy water.

"My prrrrreeeeeciousssss." it hissed, stroking a picture of Melanie Stryder, its eyes googling psychotically. "GOLLOP!"

We should feel some sympathy for Melander in this situation.

Pshhh. Naw.

Go ahead and laugh.