This is my first Family Guy fic. All original characters from the show belong to Seth MacFarlane, not me.
Note: Flashbacks and other clips are written in bold.
In the Griffin house, Peter, Lois, and Stewie are at the sofa, watching TV: "We now return to Heroes."
In Heroes, Hiro and Ando are at the cafe in Tokyo, after Hiro's memory was erased. Hiro has frozen the time, and is causing mischief such as altering the girls' spitball straws and squirting ketchup on a chair about to be sat upon.
"Hee, hee, hee!" Hiro giggles.
"HA, HA, HA!!!" Peter laughs amusedly. "He never ceases to make me laugh!"
Chris and Meg enter through the door, both upset.
"Hey kids, how was school?" Lois asks.
"Gee, I don't why you bother asking." Meg says. "It's just as crappy and miserable as every other day I go. And CHRIS doesn't make things any better cuz he was bothering me all day."
"Well all the girls in my algebra class are blondes, and everyone knows how dumb they are." Chris reasons. "And since Meg is a brunette, I figured she could help me with my work."
"That's just a stereotype, you turd." Meg shouts at Chris. "And if you haven't noticed, I got problems of my own."
Flashback- Meg is walking down a school hallway to her locker, where she sees Connie and her gang.
"What are you guys doing here?" Meg asks.
"Oh, we just felt bad for always making fun of you all the time." Connie answers. "So we left an apology gift in your locker. A token of our truce!"
"Oh, thanks!!!" Connie and her friends walk off giggling, then Meg opens her locker. A large pile of dead fish falls onto Meg and buries her.
End Flashback
Chris and Meg continue to their rooms upstairs.
"Oh, this has been going on for way too long now." Lois proclaims. "Peter, we gotta do something about their school problems. We should call for a meeting with their teachers and administration."
"Yeah, that'll set everything straight!" Peter agrees. "I can settle this as easily as my ancestor, Prince Escalus Griffin."
Flashback- Romeo and Juliet are caught in the middle of an argument between their fathers, Lords Montague and Capulet.
"You keep your son's dirty hands off my daughter, Montague!" demands Capulet.
"How about you keep that bitch away from my son; she may have STDs." Montague retaliates.
"Daddy, this is ridiculous." Juliet tells Capulet. Romeo agrees, "Yeah, why can't we just get along?"
Trumpets sound, and Prince Escalus Griffin (who resembles Peter) rides in on horseback with his attendants.
"Ok, what's with all the ruckus? What's goin on here?" the prince asks.
"My daughter wants to marry HIS son." Capulet answers, pointing at Montague and Romeo.
"Yeah well, let em!" the prince says. "Did it ever once come to mind that with their marriage, this whole house rivalry crap would come to an end? It's just ridiculous how you guys always go biting thumbs and wind up goring each other with your rapiers, not to mention all the noise at 3 in the morning. So unite em, or else it's exile to Mantua."
End Flashback
Brian arrives in his car and enters the house. Lois greets him.
"Hi Brian, did you make the position at JCPenny!?" she asks.
"Nope, they don't allow dogs doing business on their carpets." Brian answers somberly. He opens the employment page on the newspaper and crosses out JCPenny.
"How about the construction job?" Lois asks.
"Nope, I can't leave my scent on anything made of metal." Brian answers.
"UPS man?"
"Nope."
"Trucker?"
"Nope."
"Fireman?"
"Nothing from that Stephen Schwartz musical, Lois." Brian says. "Why do you want me to find another occupation? Performing with The New Rat Pack is enough for me."
"Because it's too sporadic. You need an everyday job." Lois says, checking the employment ads. "Hey, why don't you try out home entertainment!?"
"What, like a hired clown? Are you kidding me?" Brian asks, wide-eyed. Stewie comes, snatches the ads page from Lois, and reads it...
"Oh yeah, Brian! This is right up your alley!" Stewie exclaims. "You got moves, jokes and a good baritone voice! What do you say?"
"Well..." Brian hesitates... "I guess I might as well give it a shot. Yeah let's do it!" He hi-fives Stewie.
Later, Brian and Stewie arrive outside a cave in the woods. Brian, dressed as a clown, looks nervous.
"This is not what I had in mind..." Brian says in fear.
"Oh relax, dog. You'll be fine!" Stewie reassures him. "Now go in there and make some Grizzly asses happy!"
He pushes Brian inside, where Brian sees a bear family: 2 parents with their 2 cubs. He grins nervously, then honks his nose.
"I hope you kids like balloon animals!" Brian begins blowing balloons and shaping them. Outside, Stewie is recording everything on videocam.
"Boy, I can't wait to post this on Youtube!" Stewie says, giggling deviously. After a few more seconds of filming, he hears a ROAR from one of the bears. "Oh crap!!!"
Brian dashes out of the cave, his clown suit ripped. "RUN!!!" he screams, then Stewie runs screaming with him, the videocam still recording. Soon, they stop and rest at a restaurant.
"That... was... way too close." Brian utters between breaths, then he noticices the videocam on Stewie's lap. "Stewie, did you record all that?"
"Of course not." Stewie quickly hides the videocam behind him.
At James Woods High School, Chris walks down a hallway. One of his friends greets him.
"Hey Chris, your parents are meeting with the authorities." He says.
"SWEET!!!" Chris shouts, and begins dancing while singing "There's gonna be chaaaaange! There's gonna be chaaaaange! There's gonna be chaaaaange! There's gonna be chaaaaange!" He stops. "Boy this gonna be better than the time dad beat up that bully!"
He waits for a flashback, but nothing happens. "No flashback?....... Oh yeah, it already happened in that other episode."
At a conference room table, Peter and Lois meet with Principal Shephard and the school officials.
"Good day, sir." Lois greets.
"Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin!" the principal greets. "What's the problem?"
"Well, you see..." Lois begins. "Our children Chris and Meg are having few problems here at school. Meg is being harassed by the 'cool clique', and Chris is failing academically. Maybe you could do something like assign an aide or something-"
"An aide, Lois?" Peter interrupts. "Come on, Chris doesn't need no stupid aide."
'Sorry, Griffins." Shephard says. "All the aides are assigned to the disabled. Your son's just dumb."
"I beg your pardon?" Peter scoffs.
"There's nothing we can do about your son, sir." Shephard says.
"Then can you at least enforce the bullying policy for Meg?" Lois begs.
"Haha, Meg? You gotta be kiddin me!" Shephard laughs with the officials.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Peter asks angrily, standing up. Lois tries to hold him, "Peter, please!"
"Meg's an ugly duckling! Nobody cares about her, so leave it!" Shephard says.
"Principal, my daughter's on the verge of going emo!" Peter snaps. "... Do you even care about our kids?... Or any other student here?..."
"Not really, we're just doing our jobs." Shephard foolishly answers...
Fed up with all this crap, Peter flips the table and punches Shephard to the floor. He beats Shephard mercilessly until the officials go into battle poses and attack Peter. The Mortal Kombat action music plays, and Peter and the officials begin kung-fu fighting! Peter punches one out after taking a few hits, then he kicks another in the crotch and suplexes him. He wrestles with another and snaps his neck. 2 more charge towards Peter, who bangs their heads together. Shephard crawls out of the room as Peter fights the remaining officials. He chairs one, and slams another through the table. Peter is then grabbed from behind, then another official throws a hatchet. Peter slips out, catches the hatchet, elbows the official who grabbed him, then throws the hatchet back and kills the last official. Peter looks around for Shephard...
"Where'd that Jewish bastard go?" he asks himself. He hears a car starting up outside, then he sees that it's Shephard, who discarded his principal uniform. As he drives away, Peter leaps through the window and throws a stone through the car's back window. But Shephard gets away and disappears around a corner. Peter approaches the uniform on the ground as students, including Chris and Meg, gather around him and cheer.
"YEAH, GO DAD!!!" Chris yells.
"THAT WAS AWESOME!!!" Meg yells.
More people cheer for Peter's act, but Lois stops it.
"ENOUGH, ENOUGH!!!" she yells, waving her arms to hush everyone. "Peter, what have you done?"
"Justice, Lois! Justice!..." Peter answers, picking up the principal's uniform with a grin. Moments later, Peter gives a speech in the football field, wearing the principal's uniform. Finishing, he says:
"At this hour... at this defining moment... change has come to James Woods Regional High School!" Then everyone cheers for their new principal, with confetti everywhere.
End of Part 1!!!
Hope you enjoyed it! I never liked Principal Shephard, so I had Peter beat him and run him out! Review please!