Author's Note:
This story is set some time after TSR episode and before TEIP episode. I figured an event like confronting the man who killed your mother would have a few lasting effects?
Inspiration: I would suggest listening to Just Tonight by The Pretty Reckless while reading this story.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the idea. Story portrait belongs to Jae Myung Yu.
And as always, reviews are appreciated!
Just Tonight
The fire flickered in the courtyard, sending tall shadows racing along the stone cobbled floor and up the walls. It was a clear, cloudless night, but warm enough to stay outside well after the sun set. It was always warm in the Fire Nation.
Katara looked around the fire at her companions: next to her, Toph was lounging, arms and legs lazily sprawled out around her; on her other side, Aang and Sokka were caught in a heated conversation, arguing over sacrificing Momo the next time food was scarce; Suki sat next to them, watching on with an expression both amused and exasperated; and on her other side, sat Zuko, staring into the fire just as she had been doing mere moments ago. Littering the ground between them were bottles of expensive Fire Nation liquor; most were already open and some were even empty.
Shifting on her cushion, she swirled her cup, watching the amber liquid swish inside. She had never had alcohol before. Hearing her brother brag with bravado about his first drinking experience had annoyed her, but seeing him hungover and cranky the next morning had put her off completely. Pride made her sit up straighter. Here she was, on her third cup and she was feeling completely fine.
She wondered how the alcohol would affect her. Would she be quiet and brooding like Zuko, or loud and idiotic like Sokka, or giggly like Suki? Both Toph and Aang were too young to drink, but Katara imagined Toph would be even more rowdy than usual if alcohol ever got into her system, and Aang, well, he would never drink.
She sunk back down into her cushion and chanced a glance at the firebender beside her. He was hunched over with both arms draped loosely around his bent knees and eyes locked on the flames in front of him. She wondered if he was uncomfortable being back in his childhood holiday home on Ember Island. Or if he was anxious about facing his father and sister in a few weeks. She scowled. Stupid Zuko, he never showed any emotions, he was too hard to read.
No, that was wrong. She remembered seeing his relief when she had told him he was forgiven; the way his shoulders straightened as if a weight had been lifted, the small smile and the look of wonder. Her forgiveness had meant a lot to him. Ugh, forgiveness. She hated that word. You had to earn it, like trust. She wouldn't give either away so easily anymore, she couldn't. She had forgiven Zuko for his betrayal because he had worked hard to earn it, but someone like Yon Rha would never get it.
Katara grimaced. Sokka had wanted to take one night out to loosen up and forget the war and thoughts of Ba Sing Sae and Yon Rha were not helping. Alcohol. More alcohol would help her loosen up, her brother was a clear example of that.
She reached for the bottle closest to her and made to refill her cup when a slurred voice stopped her.
"Uh, Katara? Maybe you should stop," said Sokka flippantly, "I know this is your first time and you probably wanna keep up with the rest of us, but girls shouldn't drink so much anyway, right?" He smiled stupidly at her.
Katara's eyes narrowed and she poured more liquor into her cup, keeping her gaze locked on her brother's. Sokka, the one who was lolling about with pink cheeks and randomly spouting nonsense at the top of his voice, was telling her to stop drinking. She, who was perfectly fine. If looks could freeze, her brother would have been encased in five feet of solid ice already. Aang and Toph's chatter stopped and she could feel everyone inching away slowly.
"You're not telling Suki to stop?" Katara kept her voice calm and glanced at the older girl, pleased to see her annoyed as well.
"Huh, well.. yes. You should stop too." He wagged his finger at his girlfriend. "She doesn't have someone to watch out for- wait! She does! Me, I'm her boyfri- ow!"
Suki had grabbed his still wagging finger and twisted it around, effectively shutting him up, but before she could speak, Katara butted in.
"And I suppose you're going to make sure I behave?"
"Well, yes.. I just said- Ouch, Suki!"
"Like how dad would? Except he's not here. Or maybe like how mom would? But wait, she's not here either! You're not dad and you're definitely not mom so just leave me alone, Sokka."
Katara took a deep breath, trying to control her breathing, ease her speeding heart and untie the knot in her throat all at the same time. She could feel everyone's eyes on her and the sudden silence became suffocating. She took another gulp, and the liquid burned all the way down.
"Katara?"
Aang's voice floated towards her, meek and worried, but when he spoke again, there was disappointment there too. "You're still angry aren't you? About what you had to face before. Carrying all that anger isn't good, you should have forgiven Yon R-"
"Shut up Aang!"
Silence again. Katara did still feel angry. No one could be expected to come to terms with facing the man who had killed their mother in just a few days, yet there was Aang, assuming she had. She downed the rest of her cup and set it down, toppling it over in the process before pointing to the bald monk.
"You didn't understand when I came back that day and you still don't understand. I can't forgive just like that!" She snapped her fingers. "It's earned, not given. Do you honestly forgive the Fire Nation for killing Monk Gyatso? And your whole race? You are the last airbender because of them! And Suki, do you forgive them for destroying your village and locking you and all your warriors up in jail? And Toph.." Katara made a frustrated sound and stomped a foot. She didn't know when she had stood up and somewhere in the back of her mind, she imagined she looked very childish right now.
"Sokka. You, you of all people here should understand. He killed mom, he killed her Sokka. How can you just forgive?" Her voice had taken on a frantic edge and she absently wondered when it had started raining because her cheeks felt wet.
They were all staring at her in shock, worry and disappointment. Sokka couldn't meet her eyes whenever she looked at him. She hated it. No one understood. She turned to the one person who had barely said a word the whole evening; he wasn't even looking at her. Was he so drunk that he had become deaf as well?
"Zuko? You get it don't you?"
Zuko turned his head to look at her with an unreadable expression and then, he nodded.
"Yeah, I get it. Katara, you need to-"
The rest of his words faded away. He got it, he got it! Someone understood. She started laughing, hysterically and in relief. And just as quickly, she wanted to get away and curl up and hide. She wanted quiet but she didn't know how to get it. Maybe she shouldn't have had that last cup. Katara clutched her head and the world swayed slightly.
She didn't hear what the others were saying about her, she didn't hear the deep voice talking to her, she didn't feel the warm arms holding her up and she didn't see where she was going.
She just felt numb.
o
She couldn't sleep. She had a headache and her stomach kept churning. The conversation - rant - from earlier that evening kept repeating in her head; Aang's disappointment, Sokka's hurt, Toph's silence, Suki's worry and Zuko's quiet support kept flashing through her mind. She had expected Aang to not understand, he hadn't when she had gone to face Yon Rha, and he still hadn't when she came back. Sokka on the other hand, she had thought he would side with her, support her. He had lost his mother too, all because of that man, all because of the Fire Nation.
Katara pushed off her covers and sat up, her breathing quick and uneven. She pressed her palm over the distressed frown on her forehead and closed her eyes. She blamed the Fire Nation, but at the same time, she didn't blame the Fire Nation. Fire Lord Ozai and his soldiers had destroyed many lands, numerous homes and countless families; he had burnt an angry scar through the soils of the Earth Kingdom and melted a fiery path through the ice of the Water Tribes. She hated him and his daughter and his soldiers and his Nation and his war.
But she also remembered the helpless people of the Fire Nation that were swept along with the machinations of their mad monarch. She remembered the villagers of Jang Hui, a Fire Nation village suppressed by their own Nation's soldiers. She remembered the children who had danced alongside her and her friends at an underground dance party, completely innocent to the miseries of war. She remembered Iroh, helping them under Ba Sing Sae. She remembered Zuko, first her enemy and now her friend and also the only one who had understood why she felt the way she did.
Zuko understood her. She sat up straight in her bed and stared blankly at the opposite wall. He was the one who took her to face Yon Rha, he knew that she needed closure, he understood the pain of losing a mother. A sudden relief flooded through her, chasing away the panic that had crept in again, panic at being alone and rejected and being an outcast. Zuko knew what that was like, and he hadn't shunned her when it was her turn to feel like that, like she had done to him.
Katara absently brushed the stray tear off he cheek and slipped out of bed. Without hesitation, she crept out of her room and down the hall and it was only at his door that she paused, suddenly unsure. She had raised a hand to knock, but her closed fist never made contact; it hovered in position for five seconds, ten seconds, then twenty, before dropping back to her side. She didn't know what he would do, seeing her at his door in the middle of night in just her bindings after a drunken argument with all their friends that ended with her.. actually, she didn't know how it had ended. She could only remember being surrounded by warmth, a splitting head ache, a dry taste in her mouth and then the softness of her bed. She inwardly cringed but raised her hand once more, this time actually knocking.
A few minutes passed and the door still hadn't opened. Katara shook her head with a weary sigh and began to turn away. She had just taken her first step back to her room when the door creaked open, freezing her.
"Katara?"
His voice was tired, but not sleepy, which made her wonder if he had had trouble sleeping as well. She turned slowly to face him and her gaze instantly met his. She didn't know how but his eyes seemed to be burning brighter, like a beacon in the dark that brought ships back safely to harbour. She vaguely wondered if she was still drunk. Her shoulders slumped helplessly. She needed to be comforted, she needed to be understood, and Zuko was there and he was looking at her, not with pity but with sympathy, and something else as well, but she didn't dwell on that for long because she was tired and lonely.
"Just tonight," she whispered.
He continued staring at her and just when she thought he would reject her, shun her, like how she had done in the past, he slowly nodded. Katara watched as he stepped to the side, pressing his back slightly against his door and giving her space to pass. She looked into his dark room and then met his eyes once more and there, all traces of uncertainty were driven away. She nodded, more to herself, and then stepped forward, her shoulder brushing lightly against his bare chest as she passed him.
Wordlessly, he closed the door behind them.