*****Author's notes*****
Thank you to the great writer Sue Shay for beta-reading this piece and helping to bring some order out of chaos! I highly recommend all of Sue's stories. In particular for fans of "Frasier-type" stories, you would enjoy her deft touch with light romance in her Mentalist piece "Addicted to Law (The Raising Hope Charity Event)." (Sample dialogue: "And as ravishing as she looks now, I still much prefer her every day, natural beauty.")
The Frasier story "Pawn Girls, Gators, and Gaiters" takes place sometime post-series.
Any resemblance to actual United States reality television shows in the story is purely…well, ...ahm, ahem…oh, never mind. Also, no animals, artifacts, or apparel were harmed in the writing of this story.
I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.
*****Pawn Girls*****
"On this episode of Pawn Girls:"
Customer:
"…I've come to the pawn shop today to sell my autographed copy of Beethoven's 'Grand Fugue' string quartet in B-flat Major…"
Voiceover: "People call me Old Man Martin. I work here at the pawn shop with Daphne and Roz. You never know what's gonna come through the door. Or what kind of tomfoolery those two are gonna get into."
==channel changer click==
*****Swamp Persons*****
Voiceover: "And the last of our teams on Swamp Persons is a family affair. Martin Crane is a retired Seattle police officer who's out to bag the biggest gator in the swamp. Along with him are his two boys Frasier and Niles, eager to match wits with one of nature's wiliest beasts."
Martin:
"Frasier, Niles, do you have everything loaded on yet?"
Frasier:
"Dad, there's hardly enough room on here for the depth finder and the GPS. And Niles hasn't loaded lunch on board yet. We're going to need a bigger boat, I fear."
Martin:
"Frasier, we work with what we got."
==channel changer click==
*****Project Run-a-way*****
The hostess of the show directs her attention to the last Project Run-a-way contestant.
Hostess:
"Tell us about yourself, Martin."
Martin:
"I'm retired cop from Seattle, Washington, and I'm a Seahawks fan."
Hostess:
"I like your fashion choice that you're wearing today, Martin. Tell us about it."
Martin:
"Flannel. It's flannel."
Hostess:
"Yes, I can see. Tell us about how you make your choices for your own attire."
Martin:
"I look and see what's been through the laundry."
Judge #1:
"If I may interject, I'd like to say something."
Hostess:
"Of course, go ahead."
Judge #1:
"Martin, I like that bit of whimsy in your own choice of footwear. Or should I say choices."
Martin:
"Huh?"
Judge #1:
"Well, I see that you're wearing a regular brown shoe on your left foot, but on your right foot you have that fur boot."
Martin:
"That's not a boot. That's my dog Eddie laying on my foot, and don't talk too loud. He's asleep."
==channel changer click==
*****Swamp Persons*****
Voiceover: "With all the other teams out on the water, the Crane boys still haven't gotten their boat away from the dock."
Frasier:
"Dad, I said we needed a bigger boat."
Martin:
"And this is enough, Frasier. Let's go."
Frasier:
"But what about sunscreen. Don't we need to put on…"
==channel changer click==
*****Pawn Girls*****
Daphne:
"Martin, Martin, wake up. We've got a customer who says he has an original Babe Ruth baseball trading card he wants to sell. We thought you might want to take a look at it."
Martin:
"Oh, wow, Daph. If it's real, that could be worth a lot of money. Where's the customer?"
Daphne:
"He's at the counter with Roz right now. She seems quite taken with him."
Martin:
"Oh, no. Not again."
Martin and Daphne join Roz at the counter.
Martin:
"What-da-we got here, Roz?"
Roz:
"This cute guy brought in the most wonderful thing he wants to sell us. He says it's a Babe Ruth baseball card. And in the picture Babe Ruth is eating a pizza."
Martin:
"Roz, you gotta be careful with these trading cards. There's a lot of fakes that find their way into the market. 99% of these cards are. I'm gonna go do some checking."
Roz turns back to the customer.
Roz:
"How much were you looking to get out of it?"
Customer:
"I was gonna start by asking for $1,000."
Roz:
"Sold! Let's shake on it."
Roz and the customer shake hands while Daphne stands horrified.
Daphne:
"Roz, you don't know anything about this card."
Roz:
"Yeah, but the guy's cute."
==channel changer click==
*****Swamp Persons*****
Voiceover: …meanwhile, the Crane boys are itchin' to get some action."
Niles:
"Hey, Dad. This line is twitching. Do you think there's something on it?"
Martin:
"Pull it a little, Niles."
Niles:
"There's tension on it, Dad."
Martin:
"Pull some more. Are you ready, Frasier?"
Frasier:
"For what, Dad?"
"Thwap, thwap, thwap."
Niles:
"Dad, the alligator's surfaced, and he's angry. Kind of like Frasier."
Martin:
"Frasier, help your brother out."
Frasier:
"Niles seems to be doing well enough on his own."
==channel changer click==
*****Project Run-a-way*****
The design consultant addresses all the contestants:
"With this business wear assignment due in less than 12 hours, you have a long night of work ahead of you. Does anyone see anything missing?"
Martin:
"Yeah, I do."
Consultant:
"What's that, Martin."
Martin:
"I need some pork rinds."
==channel changer click==
*****Swamp Persons*****
Voiceover: "Meanwhile, the Crane boys have all they can handle and then some."
Niles:
"Dad, I could use a hand."
Martin:
"Frasier, get in position to help your brother."
Frasier:
"He seems to be doing well enough on his own."
Martin:
"Niles needs help, Frasier."
Frasier:
"Dad, I told you that we're going to need a bigger boat."
==channel changer click==
*****Pawn Girls*****
Roz and Daphne approach Martin.
Roz:
"Daphne and I wanna talk to you about our pay. We both want a raise."
Martin:
"Your pay raise will become effective when you do."
Roz:
"But we do all the work around here, and you just sit there behind your computer and play Solitaire all day."
Martin:
"I may be sitting here, but I'm thinking about business all the time. And it's Mine Sweeper, not Solitaire."
Roz:
"Come on, Martin."
Martin:
"I tell you what, Roz. I'll give you a raise if you can get rid of that Babe Ruth trading card before the end of the day."
==channel changer click==
*****Swamp Persons*****
Martin:
"…Niles, put down the oar and get the gun. Your brother doesn't have all day."
Niles:
"But while I'm exchanging the oar for the gun, the alligator might get in the boat."
Martin:
"Niles, call it a 'gator' while the production crew is filming. Don't use the full word, 'alligator'."
Frasier:
"I have news for you, Niles. This creature is already in the boat with us. He has me cornered."
Niles:
"So I see Frasier. You know, this wouldn't have happened if you'd been doing your job."
Frasier:
"Let's put this behind us, Niles. Right now there's an angry monster up front with me."
Martin:
"'Bow,' Frasier, the front of the boat is called a 'bow.'"
Frasier:
"Well, the beast and I are in the bow awaiting your assistance."
Niles:
"You know, we need a bigger boat if we're going to be carrying a live alligator with us."
Martin:
"It's not supposed to be alive when it's on board with us, Niles. And it's 'gator' - G-A-T-O-R."
==channel changer click==
*****Pawn Girls*****
A man stands in front of the pawn shop facing the camera.
Kenny:
"My name is Kenny, and I've come to the pawn shop today to sell my autographed copy of Beethoven's 'Grand Fugue' string quartet in B-flat Major."
Kenny approaches the counter and is met by Daphne, Roz, and Martin. He fills them in on what he wants to sell.
Kenny:
"What do you think, Mr. Crane?"
Martin:
"Kenny, none of the three of us is an expert on the authenticity of this or the value of it. We need to bring in our expert on Beethoven memorabilia."
Daphne jumps up and down with a big smile on her face.
Daphne:
"Oh, yes! Yeah!"
Martin:
"Calm down, Daphne."
==channel changer click==
*****Swamp Persons*****
Martin:
"Niles, put the oar down and get the gun."
Niles:
"There is no gun."
Martin:
"Where did it go?"
Niles:
"The alligator ate the gun; therefore, I'm using this oar."
Martin:
"'Gator,' son, 'gator.'"
Frasier:
"Dad, while you are Niles are discussing proper nomenclature in back of the boat, may I remind you that this beast and I are waiting for a resolution of the situation up here."
Martin:
"It's 'stern', Frasier, 'stern.'"
Fraiser:
"You're saying this beast is being stern? I'm thinking of many adjectives to describe him right now - carnivorous comes to mind - but I'm not seeing how he is particularly stern.
Martin:
"No, son. Niles and I are standing in the "stern" of the boat. You had said the back of the boat."
Frasier:
"Be that as it may, Dad, I'm still waiting up front for some help."
Martin:
"It's 'bow,' Frasier. You and the gator are in the bow of the boat."
Niles:
"Dad, I'm gonna need a bigger oar for this gator."
Martin:
"Hey, Niles, you said 'gator'!"
==channel changer click==
*****Project Run-a-way*****
Hostess:
"Martin, your ensemble is a different take on modern business wear, to say the least. Tell us about the top."
Martin:
"Flannel. It's flannel."
Hostess:
"Describe the origins of your theme for us if you will."
Martin:
"My theme is 'blue.' My wife Ronee has a blue dress that I think looks good on her. So I thought, why not 'blue' flannel?"
Judge #1:
"May I ask Martin something?"
Hostess:
"Go ahead."
Judge #1:
"Martin, what are those things on the legs of your model?"
Martin:
"Gaiters."
Judge #1:
"Most assuredly, sir, those are not alligator skins. It looks like a synthetic."
Martin:
"They're gaiters, not alligators."
Judge #1:
"Sir, whether you say 'alligator' or 'gator,' it's still neither."
Martin:
"I said gaiters, G-A-I-T-E-R-S."
Judge #1:
"What's that?"
Martin:
"Gaiters are protective clothing for the legs and feet made for outdoor activities such as hiking and horseback riding."
Judge #1:
"Novel! Where did you get your idea?"
Martin:
"I served in the mounted patrol several years as a police officer. We wore gaiters as part of job. I always thought they looked pretty snappy."
Judge #2:
"I like those beige accents sprinkled across the top."
Martin:
"What?"
Judge #2:
"Those objects that you have dispersed randomly across the top."
Martin:
"Oh, those are pork rinds. I dropped a whole bowl of them on the top last night while I was working on it. That's the thing about flannel, the material is such that if you drop something like pork rinds on it they cling to it like they've been glued on."
Judge #2:
"Brilliant!"
==channel changer click==
*****Swamp Persons*****
Niles:
"Lucky we packed this dinghy for the three of us, huh, Dad."
Martin:
"Yeah, Niles, lucky, I guess."
Frasier:
"You know, Dad, that alligator handled the steering of the boat more expertly than you did. It surprised me how fast he was able to navigate the boat away from us once we abandoned ship."
Martin:
"It's 'gator,' Frasier, 'gator.' And thanks for the harsh critique of my boating skills."
Niles:
"How powerful is the motor on this dinghy, Dad?"
Martin:
"One horsepower. It's gonna take us three hours to get back to the dock."
Niles:
"Frasier, what's that under your arm?"
Frasier:
"Ah, you saw it, Niles! I was able to salvage a bottle of sherry and three glasses. Shall we?"
Niles:
"Yes, please."
Frasier:
"Care for a glass, Dad?"
Martin:
"No, Frasier. You fill yours and Niles' glasses. Then just hand me to bottle."
==channel changer click==
*****Pawn Girls*****
The expert on Beethoven memorabilia stands in front of the pawn shop and faces the camera.
Niles:
"My name is Niles, and any time the Pawn Girls get in something that has to do with classical music, particularly Beethoven, they call me. I grew up around classical music, and I always enjoy coming over to see what customers bring into the pawn shop. And if I may be a bit forward in saying so Daphne is quite fetching in her Pawn Girls T-shirt, don't you think?"
Niles enters the building and walks over to the counter where Martin, Daphne, Roz, and Kenny are standing. He shakes hands with Martin, Roz, and Kenny. Then he and Daphne look at each other and giggle.
Daphne:
"You're looking quite dashing today, Niles."
Niles:
"And Daphne you look as if Venus herself descended from the heavens to let mortal man behold her."
Martin scowls.
Martin:
"Niles, we didn't call you over here so the two of you could make goo-goo eyes at each other all day long. We need you to look at Kenny's sheet music here."
Daphne:
"You should hush, Old Man. Let Niles say what he wants. I could listen to him all day long."
Martin:
"Yeah, you two could do that all day, but it don't put money in our pockets. Niles, you and Daphne can catch up later. Right now, take a look at Kenny's sheet music."
Reluctantly, Niles redirects his attention to the object on the counter.
Niles:
"Let me get my magnifying glass out. While I'm doing that, did you know that Beethoven's 'Grand Fugue' was originally the sixth movement of his String Quartet #13?"
Daphne:
"No! Tell us more, Niles."
Niles:
"Thank you, Daphne, I will. As I said, Beethoven originally composed the 'Grand Fugue' in 1825 as part of a larger quartet. His friends however convinced him to write a new sixth movement to the piece and break out the Grand Fugue as a separate work."
Roz:
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I wanna know is, is it worth any money? Martin has been after Daphne and me to start improving our operating margins here at the shop."
Niles:
"I'm looking over it right now, Roz. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh…"
Martin:
"What-da-ya-see, Niles? Is it real?"
Daphne:
"Hush Old Man, let Niles look it over."
Niles:
"Uh-huh. The looping in the "E"s of Beethoven's last name is consistent with established autographs. The paper that this is printed on is consistent with what was used in the 1820s in Europe. It's obviously been taken care of very well. Let me do one final check on the edges of the paper. Uh-huh. Uhhhhhhhhhh-huh."
Martin:
"So what's the verdict? Is it real, Niles?"
Niles:
"Everything says this is the real thing. I would estimate its retail value at between $20,000 and $22,000."
Kenny jumps in the air.
Kenny:
"Jackpot!"
Martin shakes his head.
Martin:
"Now hold your horses, Kenny. Just because the retail is over $20,000, that doesn't mean that's what we'll offer. We got overhead we have to take care of here, and we don't know how long we're gonna have to hold onto it before we find a buyer. Make him an offer, Daphne."
Daphne:
"We'll offer you $8,000."
Kenny:
"Why not $20,000?"
Daphne:
"Old Man Martin already explained why."
Kenny:
"Would you take $15,000?"
Daphne:
"I'll go to $10,000, but that's my final offer. Now if the Old Man here had been negotiating with you, he wouldn't have gone higher than $8,000."
Kenny:
"I just don't know. I'd really been wanting to get more than $10,000 for it."
Daphne:
"We'll pay you in crisp, new one hundred dollar bills, Kenny."
Kenny:
"Alright, you got a deal at $10,000."
Daphne and Kenny shake hands across the counter.
Daphne:
"Kenny, come with Martin and me and we'll write you up."
Martin, Daphne, and Kenny go to the sales area. Niles and Roz are left at the counter.
Niles:
"Hey, wait a minute! What about my appearance fee? You had me do an appraisal. What I am gonna get, Roz?"
Roz retrieves something from under the counter.
Roz:
"Here ya go, Niles. It's a Babe Ruth baseball card. Why don't you take this in payment?"
Niles:
"I know nothing about trading cards. What's it worth, Roz?"
Roz:
"I paid $1,000 for it this morning."
Niles:
"Deal!"
==channel changer click==
*****Project Run-a-way*****
The hostess addresses Martin:
Hostess:
"Martin, your inspired gambit for offering edible business attire has proved a winner. You've survived this round. Congratulations."
*****Waking up*****
Martin awoke with a start. Disoriented for a moment, he turned on the light on his bedside table and saw his wife Ronee to his right sound asleep. To his left he saw Eddie gazing at him with a puzzled look. Reaching down, Martin petted Eddie on his head.
"I been watching too many of those reality TV shows, Eddie. From now on, I'm sticking to sports."
Martin settled back down in bed and soon drifted off to sleep again…
*****SportsHeadquarters*****
And we return to our SportsHeadquarters interview already in progress…
Interviewer:
"…So Martin Crane, how does it feel to be the father of not one but two Super Bowl MVP quarterbacks."
Martin:
"Great, I guess."
Interviewer:
"So when Frasier and Niles were growing up, was there a rivalry between them?"
Martin:
"Oh, you bet. They're still competitive even today…"
****Author's notes*****
Thank you for reading the story, and I look forward to hearing from you.