Never Let Me Go
Kaidan watches Shepard carefully as she sleeps. They're on the sofa in Anderson's apartment, finally getting some time to themselves, away from all the crew and all the hassles of war. He'd cooked for her, and they'd both gotten a little tipsy on the excessive amount of beer they'd had whilst watching a bit of TV. Eventually, she'd nodded off, and he let her because he knew whatever sleep she got these days was precious.
It seems strange to him how something so beautiful and fragile whilst asleep can be so strong and powerful when awake. And it's crazy to think what she's accomplished over the past couple of years. Defeating Saren, with barely a couple of weeks rest, and then she was straight back into the front lines. Then the Normandy was blown up, and she was brought back to life, forced to work with an association she loathed, but beating the Collectors nonetheless.
And then the Reapers arrived, and despite the fact she watched as they tore her home planet to shreds, she kept going, uniting all the races she could. Curing the genophage, ending a centuries lasting war between the Geth and Quarians, building the crucible. It was crazy. They were so nearly there, so nearly ready for the final push, and it struck Kaidan just how soon he might lose her. Of course, they were both going to fight like hell to hold each other again, but… These were no batarian slavers like she'd faced on Elysium. These were the destroyers of the galaxy. And he never doubted the fact that she'd do it. He just wondered how much she'd sacrifice.
She moans in her sleep, and he knows she's having the dream again. The same one she always has. Where she follows the little boy she saw die on Earth, and watches as he dies again in front of her eyes. As far as he knew, she'd had the dream every single night except for the times when she'd taken medication. And that was becoming more and more frequent.
He knew Doctor Chakwas was worried about her. In fact, they'd had several conversations about it. About how she always pushed herself to the limit in missions, and sometimes over. Her body couldn't cope with it for much longer. And surely a much larger battle was looming over them. Doctor Chakwas had forced medication upon her, and sometimes watched her eat. Her biotic powers relied on food, which was probably the only reason she actually ate. She wasn't one of these weight conscious people, it was just she never had an appetite. On shore leave, she never ate much more than a salad.
He didn't know if she could stand it much longer. She didn't realise quite how much she meant to the people around her – it was one of her major faults. Shepard loved the crew, but could never quite see how much they relied on her. And she'd never share the load. Any problems or faults her crew members had, she would lay upon herself, determined to fix everything she could. But she could never seem to fix herself.
She never really spoke about her issues. Kept it all in, he supposed. The only time he'd ever seen her really open up was after Virmire, when she spoke about Ash. Kaidan knew how much Ash had meant to her, how much she'd meant to all of them. With Ash gone, Kaidan was her rock, but apart from her crewmates she didn't seem to have very many close friends.
It wasn't her fault. Kaidan had a couple of friends, either people back at home in Vancouver, or on the Citadel. He had much more free time than her though, and he'd had a whole two years of crap postings and plenty of shore leave, with her gone. If she tried, she'd probably have people queuing up to join her – but that was also part of the problem. How to sort the real friends, from the fake attention seekers. At least she knew her crew loved her for who she was, respected and admired her.
But maybe sometimes, their admiration for her got in the way. She had to be solid, strong, their immovable centre, even if she was falling apart. Because if she fell apart, so did everyone else. Few people knew the struggles she actually faced, and even fewer people she actually spoke to about it. Garrus, Liara, Tali, Chakwas and perhaps Joker were the only people who understood her. But then again, they'd known her longest; seen her push herself time and time again.
Her head lay on his lap, and he gently stroked her hair as she continued to moan and toss around in her sleep. Suddenly, she woke up, her eyes full of fear. He looked at her, his own eyes mirroring her panic, scared for what the dream had entailed this time.
"What's up?" He asked softly, continuing to stroke her hair.
"I, um, nightmare." She raised a hand to her face and sighed deeply. She wasn't going to talk about it.
"Same as usual?" She nodded in response. "But worse," she whispered. This was so unlike her, she was so dominant, the 'all powerful Commander Shepard' in her waking hours. But she'd let her guard down, for him. Because she knew she could.
"It's okay," he hushed, pulling her close.
"Never let me go, Kaidan. Promise me that?" It was a strange comment, and it showed on Kaidan's face. He didn't have to promise it. She didn't know it, but he always would. Even if she died – which he couldn't think about – he'd be hers. Forever, he'd told her once. And he meant it.
"I promise, Shepard. Until the end of time."
She relaxed slightly, and eased herself onto his lap, allowing her head to fall against his shoulder. He kissed her forehead softly, and she smiled. "I love you," she whispered.
"I love you too."
They lay there in a comfortable silence, watching as the sunset in the evening sky out the window, calling them ever closer to the end. "Never let me go," Shepard mumbled in her sleep, dozing off again. Kaidan wondered why he felt a sudden tear in his eye, and wiped it away, pulling her closer to him. And all he could think of was those words. Never let me go. He never would.