Just a funny little oneshot I made for the Hardy Boys based off my experience with health class. Just to note, Frank and Phil are dating because they seem to fit together like a puzzle. Don't know why, but they seem to work for me.

Another note: references the Undercover Brothers series a little, but not enough to not get the plot.

The only thing I own is probably Jackie, but she's crazy. :)

Enjoy!

Nutrients and Other Things

~Joe

The secret of health class was that there is actually no point to it at all. That's right: health class is a big waste of time.

Jackie completely agrees with me. She said (and I quote) "They only created this class to make it seem like they're trying to help us, when really all they're doing is making sure kids don't fill their electives with study halls."

That just really sucks for us. The only person in this whole world who actually thinks this class has a purpose is Frank. And maybe Phil, considering they make out every-

~Frank

Frank here. And let me tell you, health class is not a waste of time. It helps kids learn about things that affect them on a daily basis. Okay, their method isn't the best way to do it, I'll admit, but-

~Joe

Frank, that's why we were having the lively debate at lunch, remember?

"We wouldn't even know about half of the heath issues we did without that class!"

Jackie rolled her eyes in response. "We have all the science classes for that. Bio, chem, earth science, and physics will all cover the issues eventually. And those classes are way more interesting that health."

"Health dives into the topics more."

"And the only ones I pay attention to are eating disorders and drugs. Those are probably the most interesting things that we get into."

"She has a point, Frank," I said, munching my way through the sandwich Aunt Trudy packed for me. "Anything else besides warped minds is kinda boring."

"Have you even considered what you eat on a daily basis?"

"No. Was I supposed to?" We had been studying nutrients recently, and now my brother had transformed into the Food Police. How the hell Phil could deal with this was beyond me.

"Joe, you lack vegetables in your diet, and they provide-"

"Oh no!" I groaned, preparing to pound my head into the lunch table. "Where the hell is Phil when you need him?"

"Why do you keep saying that?" Frank asked, frowning.

Jackie quickly jumped in with "We're hoping he comes along so you two will make out and that would lead to you not talking."

"That's not-"

One of the best things about Phil is his timing. He shows up right when you need him, like right now for instance. He had a grin plastered on his face, and I'm guessing he heard what Jackie said.

"Still debating over health class importance?" he asked, sitting down next to my brother.

"Please try to convince your boyfriend that for sanity's sake, health class should be banned," Jackie said before eating a spoonful of yogurt. "At least, try before he brainwashes you."

"Excuse me?" Frank sighed. "You two aren't gonna change your mind about this, are you?"

"Nope."

"Not a chance."

"I can see the headlines now." Phil brought his hands up in the air, spreading them out as he imagined how the words would look on a billboard or something. "'Two Students Disappear from Not Paying Attention in Health Class! Possible cause is thought to be goal setting issues!'"

Jackie and I cracked up after hearing this, but ever-so-serious Frank had to try and ruin it by saying "Why do you think people don't get far in life?"

"Because they didn't have older brothers nagging them to go to health class?" I said, finishing off my chips.

Frank rolled his eyes, as Phil snaked an arm around his waist. "Come on, Frank. Let the little people be little people."

"We're only a year younger, Phil. It's not like we're freshmen or anything." Jackie pointed her spoon at her victim. "Besides, I know you weren't paying attention last class. You were drawing for you art class, I believe, and it was so cute with Frank-"

"They were wearing clothes in the picture, right?" What responded was that part of my brain that told my mouth to say whatever witty remark I had. It was also the part that was gonna get me killed.

"Joe!" My brother still has a blushing issue that he had with girls. Except now instead of blushing when he tries to talk to one, he does it when we talk about his relationship with Phil.

Frank reached out to possibly strangle me, but I managed to duck in time. Phil was laughing, since he was the one in the couple who actually knew what humor was. Jackie had moved the food away from the battleground between me and my brother, shaking her head.

"Come on, you two. It's lunch time, not gym. You can kill each other then."

"But Jackie, we have health after this!" I whined. "Do we have to?"

"You can be the one to grab the sketchpad and hold it for blackmail, okay?"

I instantly brightened up, now having a reason to attend my least favorite class. Frank did the exact opposite, resting his head in his arms and mumbling something about "evil sophomores."

Phil smiled, and leaned down to kiss my brother's forehead. "Don't worry. We'll get them with a senior prank."

"Too bad that's not until next year…" was the response, and we all laughed at this.

"Come on, bro. We got to suffer next period, so might as well eat."

------------

Lunch ended too early, and the four of us found ourselves listening to the instructions for our group work. We were to get a scenario, and respond to it by find a healthy meal in the food advertisements that fits our budget.

I could already tell this would not go over well with Jackie when I got the paper for our group. "Basically, two girls want to impress basketball players, who had ignored their wit, charm, flirting, and all that jazz. So, they're gonna make them a healthy dinner so they have a boost for their next game."

"That's sad. Boys who are blind and girl who can't take a hint. Why the hell were they having dinner together again?"

"Because there's a conspiracy, Jackie."

Frank sighed. "Can we try to do this without all the comments?"

"That would make it even more boring!" I protested.

"Fine, you guys can comment after we finish."

"Fine." We quickly got to work, and finished with fifteen minutes to spare and about five dollars left in our budget.

Jackie then quickly grabbed an advertisement from our pile, and skimmed through it before placing it down and picking up another one.

"What are you looking for?" Frank asked.

"Bleach, or something else poisonous under five bucks."

"Why?"

"So we can poison the basketball players, duh."

"What?!"

"They ignored our wit, charm, and flirting. Maybe they'll notice our murderous intent."

"That is brilliant!" I grabbed another advertisement and flipped through the pages. "Windex?"

"Nah, not strong enough."

"Joe!"

"Frank, you would do the exact same thing if the hot basketball players ignored you."

"No I would not!"

"Well, maybe you would have offed Phil if he ignored you."

"Joe…"

"Yes Franklin?"

Frank sighed, then said "They would taste the poison in the food before they swallow it. Might as well save five bucks and get them with steak knives-"

Frank saw the look Jackie and I exchanged. "Oh no…"

"We save five bucks and get revenge! Awesome!"

"No-"

"Too late Frank. You got the idea into our heads."

"Damn it. Why couldn't I have a normal brother?"

"Why couldn't I have a fun brother?"

"Why aren't there real situations like this? Now I have a strong hatred of basketball players for no reason," Jackie complained.

"Why can't all health classes be like this? You guys inspire some great drawings," Phil added.

"Good. You stalk Frank way too often, anyways-"

"Joseph Irving Hardy!"

"Your middle name is Irving?" Jackie asked, looking at me.

"No, it's Danger."

"Irving actually means 'green water' or 'boat friend,'" Phil informed us. We all stared at him in return, so he shrugged and said "What?"

"Phil, I think I speak for Joe and myself when I say you're a bigger nerd than we thought," Jackie answered, shaking her head.

"And you probably made Frank's opinion of you go up," I added.

"Shut it Irving."

"Franklin."

"Anyways… You guys made plans for the weekend?" Phil asked, trying to distract us from another potential argument.

"Video games," I immediately responded. "And maybe some mall cruising."

"Going after basketball players."

"Jackie, let it go-" Frank started, but Jackie held up her hand.

"Brian Conrad's on the team, if I remember correctly."

I laughed when I heard the asshole's name. "I just changed my plans. Can I help Jackie?"

"Of course you can, Irving." I frowned, and stuck out my tongue.

"Now that's a tempting idea…" Phil said.

Frank groaned. "Not you too, Phil."

"Three against one, Frank," I said proudly. "You don't want to miss out on all the fun…"

"You know what? I now think health class is a waste of time and corrupts the young sophomores."

"And the juniors."

Frank sighed again. "And the juniors, who were corrupted by the sophomores."

I smiled. "That'll do for now."

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