Merry Christmas everyone, a short story for Christmas. Hope you like, its a bit rushed due to Christmas only a few days away and lots of stuff still to do. Anyway enjoy.
Additional - Updated (05/01/2010) to remove some appalling typos.
Sleeping Quaters Red Dwarf, somewhere in space, think about 2 moons left of a sun. Christmas Eve
Rimmer adjusted his Christmas stocking that he had hung on the end of his bed. He stood back to admire his handwork. "There, perfecto!"
Behind him Lister strolled into the room. "Alright man, what ya doing?"
"Non of your business." Said Rimmer sitting down on his bunk.
Lister spotted the red stocking with fury white trim hanging from the end of Rimmers bed. "Hey, you don't believe in Father Christmas do you Rimmer?"
Rimmer shot him a look. "Acutally I do. Ever since I was a small boy I have placed a stocking on the end of my bed in the hope that one day he will leave me a gift."
Kryten walked in. "Sirs, any laundry?"
They both shook there heads in reply.
Lister slouched down into one of the metal chairs at the centre table. "Rimmer man, Santa does not exist man."
"Yes he does." Replied both Rimmer and Kryten simultaneously.
Rimmer looked over at Kryten. "Kryten there is not such thing as a Father Christmas for droids."
"Why of course there is. He speeds his way around the universe delivering gifts to those who have been efficient and without error. On Christmas Eve when all the calculators are tucked up in there draws, he comes down the data feed. It is mechanoid tradition to leave him a gift." Said Kryten.
Lister chipped in. "What like a mince pie and a small glass of sherry?"
Kryten pulled a face that clearly meant he thought Listers suggestion was absurd. "Sir why would he want a small seasonal treat and a sweet drink that middle aged men with far too little hair savour. No I leave him a small bottle of 3&1 oil and a 3x5b chip each year."
"Get out of here, you don't?" chided Lister.
"Well I can't hang about here talking about human made up traditions all day, there is ironing to do and I need to be tucked up in my closest before midnight and before Father Mechanoid comes." Kryten left the room grinning to himself.
Lister got up and jumped onto the top bunk. "Well, if you want to believe that 3 million years into space a large fat man dressed in red will come to the end of your bed then so be it Rimmer."
Rimmer lay down. "We will see, We will see" said Rimmer under his breath.
Later that night a small light flashed in the drive room next to the words 'Data transponder.'
Holly turned on the lights in Rimmer and Listers sleeping quarters. "Alert, Alert, Intruder Alert." He was saying it over and over.
Rimmer somehow slept through the noise while Lister peered out from under his covers. "Holly man, what time is it?"
"Its 2:45am Dave and there is still an intruder alert going on." Said Holly annoyed that all he seemed to be good for these days was being a super computer clock.
"What intruder, where?" said Lister now slightly more awake.
"Its in the drive room Dave, I think you should come." Said Holly.
Lister swung his legs over the bunk and dropped to the cold floor below. "Smeg, what's this on the floor Hol?"
"I believe it is snow Dave." Said Holly as matter as factly as he could.
"Snow, what is snow doing in our sleeping quarters, is there a problem with the air condition again?" asked Lister padding his way over to his shoes.
"No, if you could just come to the drive room, I will explain. Oh and you better wake him." Said Holly looking at Rimmer.
Lister shook Rimmer until his eyes flicked open. "What, yes mother I was just reading the sports section honest." He said and then added. "Wait, what the smeg is going on, why is there snow in our quarters Lister. Is this some kind of joke?"
"No, not me man, Holly wants us to go up to the Drive room." Said Lister pulling on his shoes over his wet socks.
Drive room 3:15 am Christmas Eve.
Lister and Rimmer walk into the drive room, which is also covered in a layer of snow.
"Right Holly, what the smeg is this all about?" Demanded Rimmer.
"Don't ask me, ask him." Said Holly looking to the fair side of the room where a small droid dressed in Red and White stood with a large sack resting against a table.
Rimmer moved behind Lister and peeked out from behind his shoulder.
"Hol, who or what is that?" asked Lister.
"Best guess, I'd say it's Father Mechanoid." Said Holly.
"Really, what's he doing here?" asked Rimmer.
Holly rolled his eyes. "Why don't you ask him yourself."
Lister made his way over to where Father Mechanoid was going through his sack. "Errr Hey, how you doing?" he asked.
The droid looked up. "Oh dear I seem to have lost my good and bad list, I had it before the last data download, have you seen it by chance? – HO HO HO!"
Rimmer stepped out from behind Lister. "What does it look like?"
"It's a small silver device with a black screen. I must find it or I won't know who to visit. – HO HO HO" said the droid.
Rimmer whispered to Lister out the side of his mouth. "Why does he keep doing the HO HO HO bit?"
"Don't know but I guess it's in his programming." Said Lister.
Kryten entered the room and immediately seeing Father Mechanoid covered his eyes and turned his back. "OH my oh my" he flustered.
"What is it Kryten?" asked Lister.
"It's Father Mechanoid, it's bad luck to see him on Christmas Eve. I must return to my closet at once." Kryten took a step back towards the door but before he could leave Rimmer spoke.
"Kryten, you're not going anywhere, you might be the only one that can deal with this, this thing!" said Rimmer.
Kryten still covering his eyes pleaded. "Please sirs, don't make me, I have been such a good droid this year and I don't want to risk a black mark."
Lister frowned. "What's a black mark?"
"It's a mark that indicates you have been bad and that you deserve to be sent back to the manufacture for melt down." Said Kryten.
"What, that's a bit harsh." Said Lister glancing back to the droid who was back delving in his sack.
Rimmer smirked. "Actually sounds like a perfect way to keep this lot in line. A fictional being that keeps a tally of which droid or electronic unit has been good or bad. If they are bad then they get returned and if they are good, actually what does happen if your good?"
"Well normally I receive a warranty extension or a service point or if I am really lucky a free buff and polish at my nearest droid service centre." Said Kryten sounding excited.
"Well he's not going to be blacking listing any electrical goods on my watch." Said Lister.
The droid seemed to have stopped going through his sack and with drew out a small black device the size of a calculator. "Found it, what a relief. HO HO HO"
"OH good well you have found it, so now you can toddle back to wherever you came from." Said Rimmer making a shoeing motion with his hands.
Father Mechanoid lifted the sack onto his shoulder and pressed a button on the black device. "HO HO HO, Merry Mechness." He said and with that disappeared.
Lister and Rimmer looked at each other. "What the smeg was that all about?"
"Has he gone, can I look?" asked Kryten sheepishly.
"Yes he's gone and now if you don't mind I am going back to bed." Said Rimmer.
Lister looked back to where the droid had once stood. "Weird man, really weird."
Back in their quarters Lister was about to get back under his blanket when he noticed a small present sticking out of Rimmers stocking. 'Could it be, nooo, surely not.' He went over and peaked at the Label.
'To Arnold J Rimmer
Best Wishes Father Christmas.'
Lister climbed up into his bunk, took off his sock and placed it at the end of his bed.'In for a penny in for pound' he thought and drifted off to sleep.
Down the corridor a small service droid closet door opened and Krytens face peered round the door. He at once saw that the 3&1 was gone and that a small parcel was in its place. 'Oh my this is it, good or bad.' He opened the parcel and read the contents.
'ONE SUPER DULUX BUFF
From Father Mechanoid.'
Kryten smiled and shut down his systems for night mode.
The END - Que Music with slay bells