Hey it's been a long LONG while guys since I've even signed in to look at this but even before then I knew that I needed to update this! There were tons of mistakes and a little confusion when I first uploaded the story four years ago and even then a lot of you were really supportive. I decided to take down the original story and give it the update that it has needed. Some things have changed and others have just been written a bit better. I've added some scenes to all the chapters and will be re-uploading them since everyone liked my fanfiction featured around Shepard and Miranda. This time however it will be a little romance here and there between a lot of the female crew along side their lovely *slutty* commander! HOWEVER! Miri and femshep will always be my OTP and to you guys that also pair them together may you enjoy their journey. For those that enjoy femshep in other pairings with the other ladies of the Normandy stay tuned! I hope you guys enjoy it more this time around than you did last time, and if you're just getting here to read it for the very first time you're in for a spectacular treat! Enjoy~

As a disclaimer, I do not own nor do I claim any assets from Bioware or Mass Effect.

Flashback- Earth

6:57 PM

Location- The Blackwater Tavern

The brunette sat anxiously awaiting the arrival of her ex-commanding officer, eyes securely fixated upon the entrance way of the dingy bar. For whatever reason it seemed that Shepard enjoyed this back water joint more so than others found closer to the center of town. This particular dive bar was on the outskirts of a rather disreputable town known for its drunks as well as high crime rate. Though to be completely honest the feel of the place screamed Shepard. The presence of authority was low and so it allowed her to get away with just about all she wanted. Bar brawls and all.

A smile came to her lips at the thought of how many scuffles she had gotten into along side her Commander. Ones started by the opposing party for getting a little to close or by the woman herself just for the hell of it. There were many reasons that her CO started fights, however most of them that she could remember were because someone stared a little too longingly at the Lieutenant. Commander Demi Shepard did have that 'I do whatever the fuck I want' aura about her. She always had. How in the hell had she ever gotten into the Alliance military in the fist place? Most soldiers were dedicated, level headed, and knew when to let things go. Well, Demi was one of those things; dedicated, to whatever she put her mind to. Ashley couldn't help but to smile to herself as thoughts of the woman flooded into her head. After all this time she still thought highly of the woman, even after all of this. She'd eventually shake her head and give a lighthearted chuckle, those were the good ol' days days. Flying around the galaxy fighting Saren, smashing the Geth to pieces, but mostly acting oblivious to her commanding officer's fixation on her or what ever you'd call it.

The time they would spend with each other went from nothing to a monumental amount. The commander didn't even like her when they first met on Eden Prime, brushed her off like she was nothing. Even had the audacity to tell her to wait back at the drop point! Those words stung at the time, lashing at her standing as a soldier, however those harsh words eventually faded. Faded as she came to understand her CO. She was harsh, brutal, intense, and maybe even a little psychotic but that just made her adore her even more. No matter the cost she would get the job done and if someone needed help along the way she would try her god damn hardest to assist. As their mission to stop the rouge spectre continued on so did their blooming relationship.

Wherever Ashley turned she was there. Outside of combat talking with fellow crew members about their expeditions into uncharted plants. Though they were mostly heroic tales of the landing party getting in a little too deep before they fought their way to victory they would always light up the eyes of those listening. To these men and women of the Normandy their CO wasn't a monster like she was made out to be on the extranet or even in the new vids. No, to them she was a living legend that they were proud to follow. Proud to serve. It seemed like everyone enjoyed the commander's stories even if they couldn't tell if they were over exaggerated or maybe even a flat out lie. Eventually though they would all come to see that the maiden of war brought death with her where ever she went.

She'd catch glimpses of the commander down on the lower deck while she checked up on everyone. Butting heads with Wrex, literally head butting the monster of an alien until it looked like she was going to get knocked out. Something the two of them did daily right after they had spoke at great lengths on other subjects. The two would talk almost everyday it seemed and even though the old man had been somewhat of a stickler at the start he slowly started to trust her told through actions, body language, as well as his growing array of emotions.

When she wasn't speaking to Wrex, the sly dog would nonchalantly begin talking to Tali as she subtly caught a glimpse of her backside when she turned to grab something. At first Ashley assumed it was just her imagination however as she continued to watch their interactions she began to count just how many times the commander 'asked' for something that was behind the Quarian. Each and every time that pervert of a woman looking her up and down before averting her eyes when the other turned back around none the wiser. This made her blood boil though not for the reasons one would expect. She couldn't be mad at the intent since she had done that more times than she would like to admit with various men, she could appreciate a nice ass! It was the fact that it wasn't her posterior the CO was looking at! Where were those feelings of jealousy coming from?

The way she shot the shit with Garrus was Ashley's favorite however. The two of them would spend hours throwing shade at C-Sec and how everyone in the department was either an idiot or a superior with a stick up their ass. A human and Turian soon yelling to one another causing a scene as the fury rose in them, hands up in the air waving out of control to make their case on who was making the better point. On who thought the law enforcement was more preposterous, however if you listened closely they were belting out the same argument just in different ways. At times Ashley wanted to scream at them, other times she was embarrassed that she knew both of them personally. To be completely honest though it made her heart warm hearing them.

She'd see her in the mess hall long after every one had grabbed their meal, the blonde sneaking in a cup of coffee as she tried to play off being awake at the ass crack of dawn. Those who really knew her knew all too well that was the lie if anything. Demi usually stayed up all night, rarely getting any sleep at all. She was kept awake by nightmares and from the screams of her past. Was it from her time on Mindoir as a child? Or even from that mission early on in her life that had gone horribly wrong? Ashley had no idea, just that she had overheard from Doctor Chakwas that the woman suffered from night terrors deriving from on going PTSD. A condition that had been swept under the table. The things she had done and seen would have broken a smaller minded individual however she was left standing. Fractured in a few places but standing. Late at night she would come face to face with her inner demons, ones she did not have the strength to fight nor face and so this led her to walking the quiet halls in a flimsy desperation for peace.

The nights the Lieutenant couldn't sleep she often found herself gravitating towards the Captain's quarters or lingering about the ship's elevator so that she could catch the Commander. They would share a stroll together sometimes in complete silence and other times full of chatter. Underneath that tough exterior when you pulled back those hardened layers, laid a passionate soul that had quite the sarcastic streak. Something that only a few had witnessed. Ashley grew fond of these midnight excursions, though her favorite had to be when Shepard let her read from her favorite books. Mostly poems and small excerpts from different authors it usually calmed her CO. Put her at peace long enough that she would fall asleep in Ashley's lap. When she had fallen into that other world her face no longer held the weight of the world. That perpetual furrow of her brow relaxed and smoothed out leaving only the beauty on that handsome face, a sight that the Lieutenant could gaze at for hours. She'd sit there and watch over her until she fell into dream land as well or eventually she returned to her own quarters. This along with various memories would stay with her through the years so that at times like this she could think back. Now that she was alone and no longer part of the Normandy these were all she had left.

Ashley's eyes close feeling a throbbing pain within her soul and a sour taste is all that is left. Things change faster then anyone would like them to in the matter of moments, always trying to grasp at things that are quickly disappearing. Those chocolate-brown hues would flicker back open and swing to look at the time upon her omni tool before resuming their survey of the room, more so where the door was located. Her reminiscing had made her want to see that damned woman more now than before.

"Damnit Skipper." She growled under her breath, her fingers tightening around the shot glass set on the table in front of her. Seeing as the woman was now almost an hour late she had good reason to curse under her breath. Though it really didn't seem to surprise the Lieutenant that much, the commander was always late and ran on her own time. Shepard time, the only time in the galaxy that mattered to the woman. If it wasn't now it was later, if it wasn't later it was now. Her lips twisted into a scowl and with no thought left the shooter would soon be lifted, tapped to the table before being thrown back along with her head. Those dark umbra locks of her's falling slightly out of place though that was the least of her concern, right now she just wanted the nerves to settle down. She wanted to feel like she wasn't teetering on the edge though it was probably good being alert seeing as this wasn't the best part of town. Eyes fluttered to a close as the golden contents of the glass washed over the her tongue then left a numbing searing sensation down her throat into the pits of her stomach. It would calm her for now though that's what she had thought the first couple times as well. Her head rolled from side to side stretching the tightening muscles within her neck, her hand abandoning the glass beside several others that had encountered the same fate. The lips of the glasses meeting with a tiny 'clink'.

'Number five, how many shots are you going to make me drink by myself before you show up Demi? Or are you even going to show?' She thought to herself though in reality she didn't mind drinking alone, made it so if she acted like a fool no one was around to see. Less for her to explain in the morning though it seems the entire reason she was here now was for something foolish she had done. Something that had seemed like a fan-fucking-tastic idea at the time but now that she thought about it, maybe she should have left well enough alone. She should have let the commander go on without picking at old wounds. Old festering wounds. Both her own as well as Demi's. Even though she tried to be the best soldier she could, she had that spark inside her the one that would turn a small fight into a wild fire that would consume her entire life. She had never stopped to think about how the woman had felt when she uttered cold words to her. Was she as devastated as she had been? Did the thoughts of the Lieutenant keep her up at night as she spiraled down out of control into a sea of old painful memories? Did she even feel the same anymore? When they made contact on Horizon for the first time in two years she was speechless at first, her heart fell into the soles of her feet. She couldn't move, she couldn't speak. That war maiden rushing in out of nowhere to save the day, to save her damsel in distress and the first thing her ex CO does is smile at her. Feelings that she had not let surface in what felt like a lifetime were soon taking claim to her actions. She was overwhelmed with so many emotions however that anger over wrote it all and surged through her entire being. None of these questions had come up to her in her small moment of rage a few months ago.

Ashley would let off a groan this time around, a hand lifting to plant itself upon her face and slide down a bit. Was she an idiot? She had said such terrible things to the woman she once adored, to the woman she once loved. Her brow crumbled over giving into a scowl though it soon sank into a look of despair closely followed by one of pain. Once? Had all the feelings vanished completely? That was the real question she had to ask herself.

Flashback, Post mission on Vermire. Kaidan Alenko MIA.

"I...I can't believe Kaidan didn't make it..." Her voice trails off as she replays the mission in her head over and over again, her brow creasing in anger before she continues, "How could we just leave him down there?! How could YOU just leave him down there?!" There it was, the fingers being pointed so that someone could take all the blame, take the fall. "He needed our help and we just sail off into the sunset to leave him to die?!" Her voice goes through various octaves as she yells to her commander and at one point it breaks.

She flinches a bit as each word the Lieutenant spews chips away at her, "He knew the risks Williams just like the rest of us." The tall woman turned from the other so that she could not see the emotions twisting upon her face. They had already had this conversation ten fold and yet Ashley wouldn't let it go. If she felt something was wrong it was hard for her to just drop it. Shepard knew that, it was one of the things she had come to admire about her. "I've said it and I'll say it again: he gave his life so that the rest of us could live. So that the rest of us can fight on towards our main objective. Saren. There was no possible way all of us would have made it if that bomb went off. The blast radius would have swallowed the entire ship."

"Then tell me again and again because I can't seem to get it through my thick skull!" The brunette was starting to come undone at the seams, her misdirected anger apparent more now than ever. Once strong, defiant eyes now crumbling down to barely a whisper of what they once were. Guilt was eating her alive. "It should have been me Skipper! ME! You and I both know that!" She would stumble a bit and collapse to her knees in the middle of the captain's cabin, finally giving into the pain that was enveloping her world. Letting go of the anger that was distressing her, keeping all her senses wired she would fall apart further. "At least I know that.."

Demi would turn to look at the woman from over her shoulder, reduced to a pile of self pity and overwhelming sorrow. Though to say that she herself did not feel the same would be a complete and utter lie, she just had to keep it in check for the sake of the crew. Had to stay strong no matter how badly she wanted to lose it. She had lost a good friend today, she would never forgive herself nor would she ever forget. Another regret to add to her ever growing pile. "You know I could have never let you go..." He voice softens some as her gaze returns to the space in front of her. "I can't let you go.. I can't." Her jaw would tighten as her teeth forced themselves against one another, swallowing back feelings that threatened to spill out. "You mean more to me than I like to admit and yes...maybe that determined who I saved on Vermire but I'll live with that for the rest of my life.." Those would be her final words, moving back to the desk so that she could fall into her own grief.

The woman's face would transition from misery to confusion, yes they had a strong bond an astounding connection but not once had the commander said anything about it and neither had she. Flirtation was the CO's strongest weapon but that's all she had assumed it was. Harmless flirting. She was grateful that she was alive yes, but now knowing that she was saved because the woman may in fact have some sort of feelings for her made her feel terrible and yet somehow relieved. Had they not grown close, had they not built this link it could have well been Kaidan sitting here instead of herself.

It would take a few moments but she'd eventually make it to her feet and slowly make her way to where Shepard was. Her hand would slam itself down onto the desk to gain the others attention. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I'm alive cause you have some sort of school girl crush on me?!" It came out a little harsher than she had intended.

"No! You're alive because I made a call! I decided to save you! You mean everything to me you fucking idiot! I.." She would hold her tongue as they locked eyes in a stare down. She wanted to tell her she had fallen for her but this wasn't the time nor the place. This time was reserved for Kaidan and his death. His sacrifice.

Ashley's fist would curl into a ball as she was fueled with anger but right before she was about to pop there would be a hand upon her cheek and the commander's forehead upon her own. They were both hurting, both lashing out. Her eyes would widen, she had never been this close to Demi before and it almost felt as if the room was starting to spin. With one touch she would calm down and the resentment that had been at its boiling point simmered down. Her lips twitched at the corners before she would fall into herself and begin to sob softly, leaning into the woman's touch and comfort.

"I'm sorry..I'm so sorry.." Words rarely spoken by the blonde. She would comfort the dark haired beauty as the guilt ate them both alive.

Present day, Blackwater Tavern

Her arm fell across the table her free hand moving to press a few buttons upon her omni tool which was now dimly lit. A screen would appear to reveal an email. The email. The one that had many emotions pumped into it. Emotions that had the wrong intentions. To harm. To hurt. To upset the reader. An email that had been written, deleted and rewritten maybe ten times over. Those glazed over hues would wander over it obsessing over each word she had coldly typed, her bottom lip beginning to quiver.

Subject: Hey there.

Shepard,

I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. When I lost you two years ago, it tore me up. I watched your body float out into space, I watched it float out of my life. As I banged on the window of the escape pod and those around me tried to pull me away I lost myself. That was the day I died. Because of you. I prayed for you every day though with each prayer I asked myself what the point was. God had taken you away from me. I read a lot of Tennyson, thinking about you, just like I did when my dad passed. It was that same dreadful feeling that pulsated throughout my entire body. Loneliness. And then you came back, and it was like my prayers were answered. The ones that I had assumed passed by deafened ears. But I'm not who I was then, and neither are you.

I don't know what's true anymore. Part of me can't believe it's really you. Is it really you? Or are you just a clone of the Shepard I once knew? The woman I fell in love with so long ago. I keep going back to that night before Ilos, our night... I haven't let myself think about those memories for more than a year now. Before that, they haunted me. You haunted me.I wouldn't have expected you to be working for Cerberus, but I know why they sent you to Horizon. I saw how many people were lost there, and if anyone can stop the Collectors, you can. Hell, I didn't even think they existed before then. I can't go where you're going, but I can wish you luck. That's all I have to give.

Just stay alive out there... Skipper. I don't know what the future holds, but I can't lose you a second time.

-Ash

Death closes all: but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.

Stay tuned for the next chapter!