Aladdin: The Abridged Script
By MonSolo23 and Lion37
Scene: A dark desert, with an evil ugly man…no, TWO evil ugly men and a parrot. Remember the parrot.
Jafar: Hello, I am Jafar, the stereotypical evil Disney character. This is my talking parrot sidekick Iago.
Iago: We want power, total conquest…you know. It's Disney.
Jafar: Now I have to enter the CAVE OF WONDERS and get the magic lamp.
Iago: Wait…isn't the other ugly evil man supposed to do that?
Jafar: Oh, right. Ugly guy, enter the CAVE OF WONDERS and bring me the magic lamp.
Other ugly man: Okay…uh, where is the Cave of Wonders?
Jafar: Oh, shoot. I forgot about that.
JAFAR puts together the two halves of a magical bug. The bug flies to a random spot in the desert and turns into the CAVE OF WONDERS, which is shaped like a tiger's head.
Cave: Yes, I can talk too. Now, ugly guy, you are not the Chosen One but you can enter if you really want to.
Jafar: Go on, ugly man.
Ugly guy: Umm…okay.
The ugly evil man enters the CAVE OF WONDERS and is swallowed.
Jafar: Camel spit! That's the twelfth one this month! Now we need to find the Chosen One that the CAVE OF WONDERS told us about.
Scene: Chosen One (Aladdin) being chased by BIG GUARDS
Aladdin: Hi, I'm Aladdin. This is my animal sidekick Abu. Now we have to run away and sing about escaping.
Aladdin SINGS about having no money. He escapes the big guards with his loaf of bread. Then he sees two children digging in a garbage can.
Aladdin: Here, you look hungry. Take this.
Abu: What?!
Aladdin (whispering): It's important that I endear myself to the audience, remember? Now, let's go to Starbuck's.
Scene: PRINCESS JASMINE and her father, the SULTAN
Jasmine: Hi, I'm the token female character. This is my animal sidekick Raja. I have 21st-century thoughts about women even though this movie happens over a thousand years ago.
Sultan: Jasmine, you need to find a suitor before your next birthday. We've already had fifty princes come. Can't you just pick one?
Jasmine: I think women should marry for love.
Sultan: But the law says that you have to marry a prince even if he's a jerk.
Jasmine: The law, the law! Couldn't you just change the law so that I could marry just for love?
Sultan: Of course not! Why, you'd have to be the sultan to do that!
Jasmine: (sigh) Fine. Since you're an idiot, I'll run away from my problems.
Scene: ALADDIN and JASMINE in the market. JASMINE gives an apple to a homeless child and is almost killed by the BIG GUARDS. ALADDIN saves her and they fall in love. The BIG GUARDS return and capture ALADDIN. JAFAR tells JASMINE that ALADDIN is dead. JASMINE cries.
Scene: ALADDIN in the dungeon. An UGLY OLD MAN who is really JAFAR tells ALADDIN about the CAVE OF WONDERS. JAFAR and ALADDIN go to the CAVE OF WONDERS.
Cave: Okay, cool. You found the Chosen One. All right, Aladdin, you can come in. But don't touch anything besides the magic lamp.
Aladdin: Wait…can I touch the floor?
Cave: Of course you can!
Aladdin: And the walls?
Cave: YES!! Just don't touch any TREASURE, all right?
Aladdin: Okey dokey, but what if I find a magic carpet? Can I step on that?
Cave: Oh, you mean that dumb rug that's been taking up space since 5000 B.C.? Please, take it! It's all yours!
ALADDIN walks through the CAVE OF WONDERS and obtains a magic carpet. He finds the magic lamp. Then ABU picks up a giant ruby.
Cave: That's not the magic carpet! Now you will die!
Aladdin: Abu, you stupid monkey!
Abu: Oops.
ALADDIN and ABU ride on the magic carpet and escape a tidal wave of lava. They live but end up trapped inside the CAVE OF WONDERS.
Aladdin: Oh, man, I hate it when this happens! Now what?
ABU shows ALADDIN the magic lamp.
Aladdin: I have no idea how this could possibly help me, but let's rub it and see what happens.
ALADDIN rubs the MAGIC LAMP. THE GENIE appears and grants ALADDIN three wishes after he SINGS about being a genie.
Aladdin: Can you get us out of here?
Genie: Of course I can! I'm an all-powerful genie!
GENIE saves ALADDIN and ABU with the MAGIC CARPET.
Aladdin: Thanks, Genie. By the way, I never wished for you to rescue me, so I've still got all 3 wishes.
Genie: Camel spit! Why'd I fall for that?
Aladdin: Say, Genie, what would you wish for?
Genie: Freedom. I hate this lamp—I'm getting too fat to fit inside.
Aladdin: That's awful. Hey, since I'm a stereotypical generous person, I'll wish you free…after you grant my other two wishes, that is.
Genie: Gosh, Aladdin, you're a swell guy. Now what do you wish for?
Aladdin: I'm in love with a princess…but she has to marry a prince…I've got it! Genie, I wish for you to make me a prince!
Genie: Wish granted!
Scene: ALADDIN entering the city of the palace.
Genie: What better way to announce the coming of Aladdin than with a song?
GENIE SINGS about ALADDIN as PRINCE ALI.
Sultan: Wow! You're so much richer than the other princes, so I'm sure Jasmine will like you.
Jafar: But I want Jasmine to marry me because I'm a creepy old man…and I'd become Sultan.
Aladdin: I got dibs on her first!
JASMINE enters
Jasmine: It's MY decision…and I don't like either of you.
JASMINE exits
Jafar: I don't like Prince Ali. Let's kill him.
Scene: ALADDIN and the GENIE below JASMINE'S balcony at night
Aladdin: Now, if I want Jasmine to fall in love with me I have to be the perfect prince.
Genie: How about honesty? That's one of the virtues that tends to have importance in Disney movies.
Aladdin: What? You're crazy. In real life the only way to get ahead is to lie.
Genie: But this isn't real life. Haven't you figured that out by now?
Aladdin: The lesson will be much more effective if I actually learn it.
ALADDIN flies up to the balcony on his magic carpet.
Aladdin: Princess Jasmine, I have realized that you should be free to marry whoever you want, because if I agree with you, you're so much more likely to choose me.
Jasmine: You're brilliant, Prince Ali. Say, have I ever met you before?
Aladdin: Umm…err…of course not. Hey, would you like to fly on my magic carpet?
Jasmine: Sure.
ALADDIN and JASMINE fly off into the night. They SING about flying and/or falling in love.
Jasmine: I'm so lightheaded. It's either love or oxygen deprivation. Can you steer this thing down a bit?
Aladdin: Sure.
ALADDIN lands the magic carpet.
Jasmine: It's a shame Abu had to miss this.
Aladdin: He hates flying…umm…I mean…
Jasmine: You lied to me! I have met you before!
Aladdin: I know when we met I looked like a homeless guy, but I'm really a prince.
Jasmine: Since I'm in love with you, I'll believe that.
ALADDIN and JASMINE kiss on Jasmine's balcony. JASMINE reenters the palace.
Aladdin: Wow. That went better than I thought. Say, isn't it time for a conflict sequence about now?
Jafar: I never miss a cue. Guards, tie him up and throw him off a cliff!
ALADDIN is bound, gagged, and tossed into the ocean. His hands land on the magic lamp, and the GENIE appears.
Genie: Hey, aren't we in the desert? Where'd this ocean come from? Now, I have to save Aladdin if I want to be free. Okay, Aladdin, say, "I wish for you to save my life."
Aladdin: Blbllblub
Genie: Close enough.
The GENIE saves ALADDIN.
Scene: The SULTAN and JAFAR enter JASMINE'S room.
Sultan: I-have-chosen-you-a-husband.
Jasmine: Why are you talking so weird?
Sultan: I-have-been-hypnotized-by-Jafar.
Jasmine: Oh, that explains it. About the choosing a husband thing: I choose Prince Ali.
Sultan: You-will-wed-Jafar-because-that-is-what-he-hypnotized-me-to-tell-you.
Jasmine: No. I'm going to marry Prince Ali!
Jafar: But you can't marry him…I killed him.
ALADDIN enters.
Aladdin: No, you didn't. And by the way, I'm going to destroy the source of your hypnotic power now.
ALADDIN breaks JAFAR'S hypnotic snake staff.
Sultan: Jafar!! HOW COULD YOU? GUAAAAAAAARDS!
GUARDS enter and try to capture JAFAR. JAFAR escapes.
Scene: JAFAR and IAGO in JAFAR'S dungeon.
Iago: They're after us! They're gonna kill us! What'll we do? Panic, panic, panic!!
Jafar: Bwahaha! Hahahahahahaaaaaaaa!
Iago: Okay, Jafar, now you're scaring me!
Jafar: The…the prince! Ha-ha-haaa! He's only that idiotic peasant we've been trying to kill! He has the lamp! Isn't that hysterical? Mwahahaaaaaa!
Iago: Not really…
Jafar: What did you say?
Iago: Nothing, Jafar. Let's get the lamp!
Scene: ALADDIN and the GENIE in ALADDIN'S room at the PALACE
Genie: Well, you and Jasmine are in love and it's about time for this movie to come to a happily ever after…except you have to free me.
Aladdin: I can't free you, Genie! I'm so deep in fertilizer that I can't get out of it on my own. I'm sure glad I have my magic lamp.
Genie: Why did I ever trust you?
Aladdin: What if Genie tells Jasmine I'm not a prince? I'd better tell her first!
ALADDIN leaves. IAGO steals the magic lamp for JAFAR.
Jafar: At last, the power of the lamp is mine! Muwahahaa!!
Iago: Can you stop with the laughing maniacally already? It's getting on my nerves!
Jafar: Oh, all right. Now, Genie of the Lamp! I am your new master!
Genie: This day just gets better and better, doesn't it? You know, I really hate Mondays.
Jafar: Genie-slave! Make me Sultan!
Genie: Who wrote these rules anyway? They make no sense! You have to help every evil schmuck with a world domination plan, but can you get a weekend in Tahiti? Nooooo...
Jafar: Shut up and make me Sultan already! Oh, and while you're at it, make me a sorcerer too.
Genie: The union's gonna hear about this one, pal!
GENIE grants JAFAR'S wishes.
Jafar: Finally! Now, ex-sultan, you will worship ME!
Genie: Talk about your ego trips!
THE FORMER SULTAN starts to bow.
Jasmine: Am I the only one with a backbone around here? We'll never bow to you!
THE FORMER SULTAN looks embarrassed and stops bowing.
JAFAR SINGS about ALADDIN being a fraud. He then banishes ALADDIN, ABU, and the CARPET to Antarctica. ALADDIN flies back on the MAGIC CARPET.
Jafar: You can't still be alive! I've tried to kill you five times already!
Aladdin: I'm the hero in a Disney movie. I can't die!
Jafar: Well, I'll just have to try to kill you again.
The final battle ensues.
Jafar: Face it, Aladdin, you can't win! I'm the Sultan and a sorcerer!
Genie: Al, don't listen to him! I know things look hopeless, but I have good news.
Aladdin: What's that?
Genie: I just saved a bunch of money on my camel insurance by switching to Geico!
Jafar: Let's get on with the death sequence, SHALL WE?!
Aladdin: The genie just said that he has more power than you ever will!
Genie: Uh, Al, I don't think--
Jafar: Fine, then. I wish to be a genie!
Genie: Aladdin, when we all die, just remember that this is all your fault!
GENIE turns JAFAR into ANOTHER GENIE. JAFAR is sucked into another magic lamp. All of the damage JAFAR did is undone.
Genie: Well, now it's really time for "happily ever after." I've decided I don't need to be free.
Aladdin: I've learned that I can't pretend to be a prince when I'm really not, so I wish you free, Genie!
Genie: Wow, thanks! See ya later!
Sultan: Oh, wow. Guess what I just realized now, being an IDIOTIC DISNEY CHARACTER? Since I am the Sultan, I can change the law that states my daughter has to marry a prince!
Aladdin: Didn't she say that, like, first thing in the movie?
Sultan: …I'm sorry, but I'm sort of an idiot.
Aladdin: SORT OF?
Sultan: Stop this nonsensical bickering! It's pointless!
Jasmine: More importantly, now we can FINALLY live happily ever after!
Aladdin: Sure…until the sequel, that is.
Sultan and Jasmine: SEQUAL?!
DRAMATIC MUSIC: Dun-dun-dunnnnnn…
COMING NEXT WEEK: THE RETURN OF JAFAR (ABRIDGED SCRIPT)