"I just don't see why you're so against it." The mood in the bedroom thoroughly ruined again for the umpteenth time in how many months, Remus Lupin fell back onto his pillow and shut his eyes in dismay at the argument that was sure to ensue with his girlfriend's statement.
"You know why. I've explained it over a dozen times Hermione, I'm not getting into it again." Sick and tired of reiterating his claims, he ignored her scolding stare along with the early dawn light shining in on them. Her hair was wild from their previous night together, her face and neck still flushed from their lust driven acts barely moments ago, but her smile of contentment was fast disappearing.
"It still doesn't justify it, nor does it make it sound fair in the slightest bit." From her vantage point of leaning on her side above him, Hermione could see the lines on his forehead draw together in an act of defiance. No longer in the mood for admiring how attractive she found their feint appearance, she removed her hand from his firm chest and pushed herself off the bed, leaving the warm embrace behind.
"It doesn't need to sound fair Hermione; it's for the rest of your life. It wouldn't be fair if I did it." Remus sat up and watched her as she moved about the room, her pale and flawless skin glowing in the morning sun as she hunted for the yoga shorts and skimpy vest she sauntered in wearing last night.
"So it's acceptable for you to state your case, and to prove you're point over and over and over again, yet when I want to prove my point just once, it's blasphemous!" Pulling the tight top over her chest, Remus found it almost impossible to turn his lust filled gaze away from her hardened nipples calling to him from underneath the tight fabric.
She turned away from him once more, pulling on the silk primrose robe he had got her last Christmas as part of her 'secret' present; the present that he gave her away from the prying eyes of their friends. There would surely be some stern looks exchanged if Molly Weasley caught sight of the skimpy night time attire.
"Hermione, if we were an ordinary couple your word would be proof enough." He pulled on his black silk pyjama pants and made his way around his four poster bed to her, gripping her delicate shoulders in his large hands and pulling her towards him so he could reach down and rest his forehead against hers. He was just getting close enough to brush his lips against her soft velvet one's when he saw the fire ignite in her chocolate eyes and he knew that it was going to be 'one of those mornings'.
"Good! I don't want to be a normal couple; I'm so sick of everything being so bloody normal these past four years! It was a breath of fresh air after the war, but four years on and everybody is still trying to force normal down my throat!" She threw her arms up and marched away from his hold. He had heard her disdain for the new attitudes that everyone had adopted in the post Voldemort era. Everyone was so eager to get back to their previous lives that they didn't exactly realise how much issues they had left unresolved. Instead of moving on, many chose to forget it actually happened. Smiles were broken every now and then when a deceased loved ones presence was noticed, but it was rarely spoken about.
It was driving many people up the wall; none more so than Hermione, who couldn't leave an arithmancy question unsolved, never mind personal issues. Always one to face the problem head on, she couldn't force people to speak of a time that they all just wished to forget about.
"I can't even leave my room without somebody dropping notes on how well Ronald is doing at work, or asking when our 'break' is coming to an end! If Molly Weasley points out one more time how her life is 'incomplete' with just two daughters, I'm dropping Viagra into Arthur's supper, and I don't care about the consequences!" Rounding on Remus with her wild hair crackling from anger fuelled magic, he could almost see the fireworks erupting from inside her eyes. Her face was flushed, her chest was heaving and he knew that if he wouldn't get an almighty slap for it, he would have carted her right back to bed that instant.
Although he rarely showed it until he was back in his room with Hermione, taking her on his bed and claiming her body the way Ronald Weasley never had nor would, it still made Remus' blood boil when people kept mentioning how wonderful Ron and Hermione looked together...surely he wasn't the only one who could see how trapped and restrained she was with him? Ronald was a boy, and Hermione needed a man. Someone to challenge her passionate spirit...in and out of the bedroom.
Even hearing her mention it made him want to rip off her clothes and take her once more, making her forget about Molly Weasley, public opinion and even Rita bloody Skeeter's 'Granger Watch'. He wanted to make her toes curl until she couldn't even remember her own name, never mind Ron's.
Alas, that wasn't to be, because this continuous argument was starting to take its toll on him also. Although she was an old soul, Remus sometimes forgot how young Hermione really was. Twenty one isn't even half a life time, despite the fact that Hermione has gone through enough to fill two lifetimes. He honestly believed that she was happy with him- but for how long? Every day he waited for her to realise that any life she had with him would only be half of what someone as beautiful, intelligent, kind and amazing as her could have. A husband that was handsome, that was the same age as her, that could provide for her...someone that didn't turn into a monster once a month.
"Hermione, this is exactly what I mean. This commitment isn't about proving to the world that your break with Ron has come to an end-" Remus knew the moment the words came out of his mouth that they wouldn't be leaving his bedroom on good terms.
"We were never on a break!" He had barely gotten the sentence out before Hermione rounded on him, cursing Ronald Weasley and his unfailing ability to only ever hear what he wanted to hear. She had spent a week at her parents after they had broken up, not wanting to have to deal with the sympathetic shoulder pat's and consoling hugs when she had never felt more elated in her life. Returning back to reality, she thought some deity had taken pity on her when everyone went about life as usual...until Mrs. Weasley started rambling on about the benefits a 'break' could do for a couple's relationship. Three years on, and people still couldn't get it through their heads that Hermione and Ronald were finished.
"You know exactly what I mean. This isn't just some way for you to prove that you've broken all attachment to him." He sighed and sat down on the bed, dropping his face in his hands and looking at her through his fingers. The sight he saw nearly broke his heart when she started back at him through hurt, tear filled eyes.
"I can't believe that you would say that?" Her breath caught in her throat somewhere along with a sob, and for a moment Hermione found it hard to breathe. To believe that he would only think she wanted to prove her love for him just to dispel all remnants of a previous relationship from her mind was more than ridiculous- it was painful. It physically hurt her, and it scared her to think that the man she loved didn't know her as well as he should. She backed away from him slowly when he rose from the bed, arms spread out in an apologetic defeat.
"That's not what I meant, it's just that I know how worked up you get by it. I think you saw a way to put an end to the pushing and prodding, and decided to take it." Even as he looked into her tear filled brown orbs, Remus knew he had upset her- something he vowed to himself never to do. However, this argument had been going on for so long, it was now either make or break time, and he had to break her desire for him to go through with it by any means necessary.
"When have you ever known me to make a decision without thinking about it first? This was only ever about me being able to prove to everyone, to the world, you included, how happy I am for the first time in what feels like forever!" Hermione held nothing back when she shouted at him with a raw voice. The trembling in her words was scaring even her, and she knew that the end of the road they were travelling was not going to greet them with a pretty view...but there was no backing out now.
"I thought you were as happy as I am...but apparently I've been wrong. For a very long time." She could see how mad she had made him when his eyes flashed amber, a sign that Mooney was breaking through. It was not in fear of him that she backed away to the door though; it was in fear of what she was coming to realise.
"Hermione, you can question a lot of things, but do not ever question how much I love you." The tone of his voice alone should have convinced her, but they had been roaming around in circles for so long that she was beginning to get dizzy from it. She didn't want normalcy- but she didn't want to trip and fall and find herself face down in a sham of a relationship that was never going to be anything more than an affair masquerading as a relationship.
"Yet you can question how much I love you? I can't do this anymore. I can't continuously watch the clock to make sure that I won't get caught standing too close to you when cooking dinner, or having to check around corners to make sure that we can kiss. I can't wake up and have to see if everyone is still in bed before rushing back to my room like a misbehaving teenager. I can't dance with you the way I want to at weddings and engagements, because Merlin knows there's enough of them." Before she even uttered the words he knew she was going to say, Remus was sure he felt his heart break. His breath came in a quick panic, hoping against hope that she would just stop. Hoping that she would vent her frustration with their situation in tears, and that he could pull her into his arms and make her forget about it by showing her how much he loved her. He knew when she paused, when she fought to force the words from her perfect mouth that this was it; make or break time.
"I can't pretend like we're just friends anymore..." There were tears in her eyes, but they didn't spill forward. She knew this was coming; so did he. Neither of them knew how close it was though.
"What exactly are you saying?" He took a tentative step forward, gripping the post of the bed and holding onto it for dear life in the torrent of pain that was heading straight for him.
"I'm saying I can't do this anymore." Her eyes were resolute, but somewhere in them there was a desperate plea. A plea that only he could answer, a need that only he could fulfil. He desperately wanted to make her happy, but he knew that once they went public, things would become difficult for them. People would shun her, would look down on them and look on at her disgust. He couldn't live with himself if she finally began to blame him, just as she should, for going against his better judgement and forcing to live a life like his own.
"Hermione, think about this please. What would they all say? What would they think if we told them?" But a fate worse than her blame, would be her acceptance. To see her smile at him even though she was unhappy, to pretend to him that all of the taunts and looks weren't his fault; to pretend that living with him in misery was so much better than living without him in happiness...that was something that he knew would kill him.
"I don't care what they think or say! Why can't you get that through your head? I love you...I care about you. I want to be happy...I want us to be happy!" She suddenly rushed towards him, wrapping her soft hands on either side of his neck and holding his face so close to hers; close enough so that he could see the shining light of hope that lit up her face. It barely lasted a minute, a rush of soft movement when he put his hands on her waist and stared into her eyes, yet for the longest time it felt almost like an eternity. It was in those moments that Hermione knew he was remembering what she looked like, right then when she was on the brink of happiness, believing that she had finally won him over.
The flash of hope he witnessed in her eyes was the future she imagined for them. Her dropping a gentle kiss on his cheek as she placed his dinner in front of him during the Sunday roast with their friends. Holding hands walking down Diagon Alley, laughing about previous childhood visits or shopping together for potion ingredients. Looking down on his smiling face in her lap while they read together in the park by Hogsmeade, rather than locking themselves inside Grimmauld library. Exchanging birthday presents and gifts in front of family, and not having to meet up secretly that night or fighting the urge to kiss. To be able to go to bed together at the same time, with him carrying her upstairs and not having to hide their intentions for what was about to happen.
"But obviously, you don't feel the same way." As soon as she glimpsed it, it all came crashing down in one foul sweep of reality. She stepped away from his hold, turning her back on him and making her way towards the door.
Stepping across the threshold, she was thankful that they had kept their affairs private all this time. At least now, there would be no awkwardness when they ran into each other at dinners or parties. They would be the only two to know of how Remus Lupin kept Hermione Granger's love for him a dirty little secret for two and a half years.
"Hermione, please, there must be another way around this!" Remus stood up from the bed, rushing towards her and grabbing her shoulder in a desperate attempt to pull her back to him. There was an emptiness in his chest, growing with every step she took away from him, and he needed her to fill it, to make him whole again.
"There's not." She took his hand in her own and brought it to her soft lips, closing her eyes and breathing in his scent once more.
"I won't live a life in the shadows anymore Remus." She returned his hand to him, placing her own on the door knob and turning. "And you refuse to leave them."
That night, Hermione Granger and Remus' Lupin's relationship ended for good. They never shared another shy glance over dinner, or snuck off into a cupboard during the many weddings of their friends. They grew older, forged new friendships and built new relationships. They got married and had children with people that they admired and respected, but never truly loved.
But as they lay in bed with their new partners, they went to sleep and dreamed a dream of what if…
They dreamed it every night, for the rest of their lives.