Drink you under the table
Author's note: Sequel to Mourning Light. More humor from me. Somehow I ended up with the idea of Scott asking inappropriate questions. Then I decided that he'd have to be drunk as the questions are so out of character for Scott. Well, this story resulted. Fun little story but I ran out of questions. So if you can think of a question then write a comment!
"How on earth did I end up in a drinking contest with Illyana?" Scott thought in a daze.
"Because all of you lost at poker. I won, and this was the prize" was Illyana's slurred reply.
Scott shook his head and attempted to focus on Illyana. Hmm, there were currently two of her. Must be a magic trick to confuse him.
"Oh, did I say that out loud"?
"Yeppp" Illyana slowly replied.For some reason she was addressing the empty chair next to Scott rather than him.
Erik and Emma were already passed out. Erik might be the Master of Magnetism but more then a few glasses of wine and he starts to fade. Emma was also undone despite her hard drinking credentials. Neither of the two had been able to stand up to Scott, something about his mutant metabolism burned alcohol faster then average, and Illyana's Russian genes (we're talking many centuries of breeding here folks, what the Russian were trying to accomplish by breeding for alcohol tolerance...).
The evening had started as a private student assessment discussion amongst the four of them. Then it had morphed into a team building exercise, which was a fancy name for a game of poker. It turns out that all four of them are very good poker players. But Illyana had won the pot in the end (Here's a clue. She cheats. Hell Lord after all. Oh, so does Emma, but Hell Lord trumps Telepath in poker).
Both of the remaining drinking contestants were now deep in an alcohol induced blackout. Nothing being said was going to be remembered the next day. The inner ID is awake and has seized the mike so to speak.
Scott remembered the topic at hand. Well... a topic at hand.
"So you're telling me that you never had a crush on me. Almost all the girls have, or had, a crush on me. Hell, most of my female enemies have a crush on me. Damn, even some of the guys now that I think about it. Always thought Logan had extra motivation for always trying to get my goat. Like... Like he was always trying to get me to notice him. Pathetic really".
Illyana replied in the negative. "Nope. Nada. Negatory. Kitty did, not me. Uber boy Scout is just so not my thing. Shards, I'd sleep with Emma before I'd touch you. Hell, I'd sleep with Emma...". Illyana began counting on her fingers. "One, two, three, four... Four times I'd sleep with Emma before you. Then given a choice, I'd do Emma for the fifth time. Like wow".
"Ok, ok, no need to exaggerate. What's with the counting anyway and why the grin"?
Illyana realized she was grinning like a besotted school girl while looking at Emma, she quickly wiped the grin away. "No reason, just thinking of some fun times I've had".
"Sooooo back to the question then. My question is... is. My question is...". Scott spoke like the question was of critical importance to the survival of Mutant kind. He gestured with his shot glass as if Illyana was on some kind of legal stand and he was making the critical point.
"Who would you sleep with if given a chance? Give two examples. That's my question".
Scot slammed down the shot glass as if it were a judge's gravel.
Scott and Illyana had somehow ended up in an ask deep questions contest. A question would be posed and both had to answer. Due to the level of alcohol poisoning the questions were not very deep at this point.
Illyana looked pouty as she thought. She started to answer when Scott interrupted her.
"And it can't be Kitty or Dani, that's obvious for you".
Illyana closed her mouth and glared at Scott. "What do you mean it's obvious"?
"Kitty is sooo obvious. So is Dani. Hell, from what I've gathered, everybody thought that Dani and you were an occasional item back in your New Mutant days at Xavier's. Friends with benefits kind of deal. No wonder Rahne was always so pissed at you".
"Kitty and I never... never did anything so there you... you... you perv". Was Illyana's rather lame retort.
Scott smugly replied. "Noticed Dani wasn't in the last sentence. Gatcha! Damn, I'm such the strategic genius. I'd have made a great lawyer. Name in gold letters, Scott Summers ,attorney at law. Bet your ass I wouldn't let the Kingpin push me around; I'd eye blast his fat ass right into history". .
Illyana attempted to remember some sex changing spells. Let's see how Scott likes menstruation and cramps, but all she could remember at this point was a black head banishment spell.
"Ok then. Sooo, I'd pick... I'd pick... Kurt and... Kurt and... Leah of Hel".
"Why Kurt and who the hell is Leah of hell"?
"Hel, not Hell. Don't get all Dougie on me now, language expert my ass, he couldn't even pronounce Hel correctly. Kurt... Because Kurt is tall, dark, and oh so handsome, plus the things he can probably do with that tail. Grrrr. Leah, the handmaiden of Hel, because... because... because... I just like dangerous dark haired magical girls. It's one of my kinks. Oh, and a certain car show host. Man can he spell the alphabet with his tongue; plus he really is the tallest man at the BBC and size matters if you know how to use it. There. Now it's your turn to answer. And if you say the Professor I'm so out of here".
"Hey hey hey, hetro here. Let's have none of that talk now. Although he did treat me like his bitch so many times. Now I'd pick... pick... Ororo and Betty. Ororo because... well shit. Do you know just how many times I've seen her naked? At one time she was always bathing in public. I mean come on. What a tease. The package is fantastic and she's was always showing it to everybody. Plus... plus like every third week somebody is either proclaiming her to be their queen or trying to marry her. You just know that she'd got to be utterly fantastic in bed, and likely a screamer as well. Not like Jean was, shee, talk about boring. Missionary, just missionary no oral, no toys, no role playing, and don't even think about going anywhere near the brown eye. Ummm..."
Scott had lost his train of thought. Well, let's be honest, it was a complete derailment.
"Your other choice" Illyana prompted with a wicked grin. She so needed to remember this, again that Hell Lord thing. But nope, the night's activity was going to be forgotten.
"Umm, yea Betty. I mean I've always been an ass and boob man. And Betty is just so into showing the gift wrapped package. Uptight good British girl turned skanky Asian slut. You just know she's into all the kinky stuff Brits like to do while appearing all good and proper in public".
It was now Illyana's turn to ask a question.
"My turn. Time for my question. Why... Why... Why didn't you ever put me on that assassin squad you and Emma were running back in Utopia? I knew you guys were running it. Shee, I know lots of things you thought that you guys kept under covers. I mean... Hell Lord here. It's not like you can really keep most secrets from me if I want to know something. I remember... remember once when Rahne snuck in and borrowed my Playgirl magazines back at Xavier's. I pretended that I didn't know, but I knew. I knew that and so much more, but I never said anything. Did keep making comments about how long the month of June was though, man she'd blush every time".
Illyana's train of thought wasn't really on the tracks as well.
"Umm" Scott replied as he tried to grasp what was the question and what was Illyana's ramblings. The concept of Illyana rambling was a new experience. "We... That is... Emma and I... Well, we decided that you already had enough problems fitting in, and had rather damaged social interaction skills. Having you run around slaughtering folks just might not be a good idea. I mean... we really didn't want you to get fixated on that kind of thing. Any more then you were".
Illyana was touched. "That's sweet. How nice of you both. Yea, I can kind of see your point thought; no need to have death come even easier for me".
"OK, drink" Illyana declared.
Each round of questions would be followed by each contestant taking another shot. The current bottle was Scotch, almost empty, from Erik's stash. Each filled their shot glass and gulped it down.
"Next question. My Next… Question…" Scott was really feeling the booze.
"My question is… Why the short shorts and the boob window top? Your costume was never so… revealing unless you were prancing around in that chain mail G-String bikini when you were all Darkie Childie".
"I got bored" was Illyana's slurred reply. "Everybody appears to go for major skin flashing now, except for Kitty, she's still covered up. Other than that, skin everywhere unless you're a minor. So... I decided to join the party. Plus, I like it. Show the goodies. So many demons are pure lechers at heart and flashing some cleavage and a great ass just distracts them to no end. Same for many a male opponent. Hey, I'm the bad girl so I decided to dress the part. Kind of fun, but I notice most of the guys still go for the skin tight body suit that shows the muscles, abs, and groin bulge".
"Yea" Scott replied after some thought. "Show the girls just what's available if they play their cards right. Except Namur. Shit, not much left uncovered there. Talk about being an exhibitionist, always walking around in those shorts. Does get the chicks though, even with that fishy cologne smell of his. Man is he swimming in pussy, but does that stop him from chasing after more? NO! Man breaks the guy code, always trying to get another man's woman. Bastard"!
Illyana forgets to ask a question, yea they were that drunk.
They drink again. The bottle of Scotch is now empty.
"Ok… Oh man my heads swimming. Ok… I want to know… If… If you and Stephen are an item? Are you just studying magic with him, or are you boning him? Teutonic sex rituals by chance"?
"The word is Tantric, not Teutonic Scott, and no I'm not boning him. He's attractive in that roguish kind of way, but he's a dog at heart; always going to stray. Geeze, what is it with you and the sex questions? Have I ever done a threesome? Do I like ladies? Am I multi orgasmic? What kind of underwear do I like? Am I wearing underwear? Am I a virgin? You, oh mister quiet and broody, are obsessed with sex. Do yourself a favor and just ask Emma out on a date. Since we both know that you're not boning Stephen, if you are then well wow that's news, I guess it's time for my next question".
"...Fair..." was Scott's mumbled response. Scott was beginning to lose it. His eyes kept closing.
"Why'd you keep me around? I mean, you knew I was a Hell Lord and had... issues. Not going to be the best of house guests as it were".
Scott started awake, he had almost dozed off.
"Backup plan. Limbo was always a get out of jail card in case Utopia bit the dust. Plus... plus... magic. You had magic, heck you are Magik. Needed to keep that resource handy in case we needed it. And... shit, I mean just look how many folks I had in that conference room with you when we locked you up. You don't just get rid of that kind of power when it wants to stay around. I figured, what if the Avengers turn on us? They had Stephen, I needed my own magic card to play and that was you".
Scott looked over the couch were Emma was snoring. "Crap, I almost feel sorry for Emma. She's going to be so cranky in the morning".
"Why? Hangover"? Illyana was so glad she had hangover magic.
"Not as such. When she drinks really hard she does get a wicked hangover, which she banishes using her telepathy. Handy trick that. No, the hangover is gone but the redirected mental activity makes her massively horny".
Scott now had a leer on his face. "We used to have really fun mornings if you know what... I.. mean?... snore".
"Really? Thanks for letting me know that. Scott? Scott"?
Scott was passed out in the chair. Illyana was the winner! Which to be honest was preordained. Russian and a Hell Lord, there was no chance anybody was wining a drinking contest with her.
With a wave of her hand two teleportation disks transferred Erik and Scott to their respective beds. Well, that was what she thought, what actually happened was Erik ended up in Scott's bed and Scott ended up in Erik's bed. Each awoke to find themselves wearing the other's underwear. Something that they swore an oath to forever conceal. Turns out Erik was a boxers kind of guy while Scott was into currently thongs (likely Emma's fault).
Illyana looked over at the sleeping Emma. Then, with a grin on her face, she decided to teleport them both to Emma's mountain safe house for the two of them to sleep it off. She hoped that Scott's little story about Emma's hangover cure was right.
"That will make five times Summers. Five time I'd..." the rest of the sentence was left unsaid as Emma and Illyana vanished.