"Her tits size of my elves." Leo exclaimed. Jason sighed loudly, looking awkwardly at the surgery board. He just finished his last surgery for the day, sadly alongside the chief. "Single life is never better!"

"What about you, Jason Grace?" Nudged Percy. "How much has the beauty queen given out since James came along?"

Jason grinned and shook his head. If they only knew how hard it was to actually have alone time with your wife when you cared for a child they wouldn't go out bragging to everyone about their amazing bachelor lives. Jason seldom missed those times. Piper was the love of his life, however by the time they both got home, they were too exhausted to even kiss, let alone have sex.

Don't get Jason started. They had tried in vain to plan a romantic weekend, but James got lice and had to come home from his friend's house. When Lacy came to watch the little guy she ended up bring Ryan along, resulting in the ever so curious James sneaking in on the teenage couple's own alone time. Needless to say, they had a very awkward conversation as to how a burglar came in and robbed both kids of their clothes.

"All the time," Jason shrugged it off as if it were nothing. That subject stayed on his mind as he ventured home to find James already passed out on the couch. "Pipes?"

She gasped awake, falling off the couch. Jason didn't even see her from the covers overtop her. He had trouble not laughing as he helped his clumsy wife up. "Not funny," she hissed.

"I beg to differ," Jason cackled. She was still in her suit. He leaned in to kiss her and tried for a deeper kiss than normal. Piper, surprised, pulled away with a groan. "Pleasee."

"I'm exhausted." She pouted. Jason countered back with a smirk, keeping eye contact the entire time. Finally, "Come here."

They began a quick make out session, right there on the couch, forgetting of James's sleeping form. Things were getting heated and Piper let loose a slight whimper. Seconds later, James jumped awake. "What are you doing!?"

Those fateful words cause Piper to shove Jason back, separating their lips in haste. Jason, a tad bit annoyed, grated and slowly went to a sitting position, pulling Piper with him against his chest. "Showing your mommy some love, that's what."

"Ew!" James ran screaming, covering his eyes. They followed the child's running form until he was out of sight, but seconds later they heard a loud thud.

In the end, they snuck James in the back door of the ER where Jason hurriedly stitched up the child who took off his mother. He was the talk of the hospital, but the kid loathed it. It was most likely the embarrassment of the occurrence that caused the events of the next night.

Piper and Jason were determined to get it on, seeing it now as a challenge. It was midday and they, ever so clever the parents, pawned their kids off on their neighbor, as any good parent would. "Let's get messy," Piper had said. Jason didn't understand why she adored lube. He supposed it was something to do with the fact that he would put it on his dick when he masturbated. Whatever the reason, she loved it. It gave her thrills just to touch it. So he shouldn't have been so surprised when she brought in the bottle and squirted it all over his hands. "Now touch me everywhere."

And so Jason did exactly that, along with some heated kissing. His hands rubbed in between her thighs, high and low. Finally, when they began going at it, he pressed his hands rather roughly to her breasts as he drove in and out. Well, funny thing about that lube…

Earlier in the morning, Jason had seen James run in and out of their bathroom, figuring he was just playing hide and seek or something. The ten year old was smarter than he let on.

"Pipes," Jason paused. She only moaned, trying to keep focused on the task. "Pipes, there's – Piper!"

"What?" she snapped, opening her eyes.

"Uh," Jason cocked his head to the side. "Well, you see…"

"About to come!" Piper shrieked in aggravation. "Gone. I should smack you…oh my gosh! I can't-,"

"Neither can I," Jason groaned, head falling in defeat into her hair. He tucked, trying to remove his hands from her breasts, but those puppies were stuck on there. Despite the rumors, he loved Piper very much…and he loved her tits. So there was no way in hell he'd try to remove his hands if there was the slightest chance that he could damage the girls.

"What kind of lube did you buy, fuck-tard?" Piper spat. He could sense her heart rate increasing, her breathing speed up. Granted, he was pushing on her chest with a lot of his bodyweight, but his legs had most of it, proven by how fast they were falling asleep. Sensing her panic, all of his lust went down the drain, except for the ever-existing part he got from touching her boobs. Heck, he was going for a record time. "Ew! Ew, did your boner just die out?"

"Well, we are in a sticky situation," I winked. She rolled her eyes at my half-assed pun.

"Could you at least take it out? That's just weird." Yeah, Jason was used to her bluntness. Once she got comfortable, she didn't hold any remarks back. Funny, he used to adore that part of her when it wasn't aimed at his precious cargo. He tried; he really did, but then came her screams of pain. "Ow, ow, stop!"

He cringed. "I put lube – or whatever that was - on my dick. Now it's in your pub- hair." She loathed when he called it pubes. See, Jason was a bit old fashioned down there and requested she didn't shave, something she easily crossed off her to-do list. Now it bit them in the butt.

"Idiot," Piper huffed. "Well both my hands are stuck to your arms or I'd call Lacy."

"Ew, that's pedophile charges calling my name-," Jason began, his face twisting at the thought. Suddenly, the door burst open and there stood the devil herself, alongside the mischievous prankster known as James. "James Grace Junior!" His name was only James Grace, but Jason thought it sounded better if he added the junior on it. Lacy was quick to cover his eyes, but the two parents already acted on their feet and worked together to rolled themselves off the bed. Jason landed on his back with a solid thud and groan. "What the hell is this?"

"I switched out your gel stuff with clear cement glue," James giggled. Lacy was bursting at the seams with laughter. "Dad, why were you grabbing mommy's-."

"Lacy," Piper shouted. "Could you get some help?"

"Oh, I'll get you some help alright," Lacy snickered. They both dreaded the sound of the phone in her hands.

"Could you at least drape somethi-thank you," Jason growled. He was actually very protective of Piper's body. He gurney moved slowly to the ER, scaring half the people to death. "Not my ass, hers!"

"Sir, we can't have you mooning the entire-,"

The poor, shy paramedic was cut off from Leo, Percy, Ryan, Lacy, Annabeth, and the rest of the staff of surgeons located at Guardia Hospital laughing hysterically. You guessed it. Jason knew every single person, and Piper did by default. It was probably worse for her considering Jason often bragged about her in bed to the guys, but now they got a sneak peek of it.

It took them literally two minutes to quiet down, all the while Piper and Jason rolled eyes simultaneously. "No way to treat a patient!" she shrieked.

"I call them!" Annabeth shrieked.

"You just want a looksy at Jason's," Percy whistled high and low.

"It's not like you are getting them," Annabeth snorted. "Jason doesn't want a horny guy like you fondling Piper's." It was her turn to whistle. Neither patient knew whether she meant boobs, ass, or vagina. Either way, they didn't like it.

"Hey!" Piper shouted. "I can't breathe and Jason's hands are cramping. Do something!"

"Laugh later, but fix now," Jason growled. He met eyes with each doctor, daring them to say a word about it. "Leo, Percy, and Dakota: get the fuck out of here."

"Annabeth," Piper strained her neck to look backwards. "Sorry, but no." What could she say? They both were jealous people. "Ryan. You've seen Lacy, now it's my turn." She held a messed up grin Jason couldn't get enough of. If is back weren't aching so badly, he would have lent down again to kiss her.

"But I didn't even volunteer," he trudged and took the gurney, strolling it into the bed. Jason was smiling devilishly at him the entire time. He gulped, grabbed a clipboard, and held it in his line of view as he started the exam. "Ho-," he cleared his throat. "How did this happen?"

"Oh, you know," Jason shrugged. "We were just eating a casual breakfast in our normal positions." Piper snickered. "We were fucking and used some lube that James had previously switched out with cement drying clear glue gel."

"Obviously," Ryan muttered. "But, uh, the breasts?"

A chorus of giggles sounded from outside the curtain. They both knew all their friends were listening in but neither truly cared. They all heard stories of Jason's heated bedroom life, now it was just confirmed. "Piper has this thing-,"

"I do not!" Piper snarled. "We spilled it."

"Sure," Jason muttered. Her nailed slowly dug their way deeper into Jason's arms. "James has the glue out in the waiting room." As Ryan took his chance to get out of there, Piper gave Jason the stank eye. She did her best to spit on him, but he was too far in the air and it just fell back on her face. Jason laughed proudly.

"Fuck you," she whined, trying to get it to roll off her face before anyone else could see.

"We were trying to," Jason shrugged. Piper jerked her hips upward and Jason cringed. "Sorry." Smirking, he lent down and kissed her softly and slowly, licking up the spit. Piper smiled faintly, thankful for his ability to ignore how utterly gross that was. Ryan came back in the room and sighed, looking in and out of the body parts.

"Oh my – Jason, are you still in there?" Ryan could have shouted it into a bullhorn and been less loud.

"No, his dick magically disappeared," Piper muttered. "It's massive! We all would have seen it if not!" Jason again winked down at her.

Ryan ran a hand through his hair. "Shitt…I'm going to need a gynecologist." Piper cringed. There were two of them: Annabeth and Lacy. He took one look at Piper and made the decision for her. "Get Annabeth."

All that really happened was they soaked Piper's body and Jason's arms in a mix that lessened the hold the glue had on it. Getting her hands off his arms wasn't painful, but boy did Piper scream when Jason pulled out. "Fucking hate you! Worse than – ah - childbirth, mother fucker!" The entire time, he was being smacked upside the head for 'listening to the great idea.' They were about to do her boobs when Jason yelled in protest.

"Nooo," he argued. "Don't come a step closer with that shit. No, no, not a chance."

"Jason," Annabeth blushed. Piper didn't even see why she was needed. There was no surgery. It wasn't like people never dealt with boobs before.

"Hey! You see these tits?" Jason nodded in Piper's direction. "They're the best tits I've ever seen – and I'm a damn plastic surgeon. I should know. They aren't like Leo's ladies are and they aren't nonexistent like Percy's. So there's not a chance we are ruining these babies. They are perfection made over and-,"

"Just get Percy in here and let him decide," Piper groaned. Jason went on a whole new spree of ranting, but he was outvoted. "He's an unbiased, second opinioned plastic surgeon."

As he made his smug entrance, Percy tipped a nonexistent hat towards Jason. "Piper, looking lovely as ever today." He kissed her hand. "What seems to be the – ah, Jason and his boners. They get in the way, don't they?"

Jason was already on his breaking point. "Perseus Jackson, you take a good look at Piper and just remember; this is my damn wife. Every night." He rubbed salt in an open wound. "Sprout a boner and you'll get knocked out, but still remember the sight."

Piper was used to Jason's jealous remarks and kicked him freely in the balls. He cringed, wanting to hold his junk but finding himself useless. "I love you, too, but let's hurry this up."

"Eager to finish?" Percy surveyed the damage with a smug smile.

"Eager to console a child to make sure he doesn't turn to drugs for coping on seeing his parents twice molesting each other," Piper muttered nonchalantly. Jason focused on breathing deeply. "So?"

"I think a little more concentration with less water will do fine. I'm going to warn you what Jason will already know," he snorted. "You'll feel a slightly acidic tingling, but we'll rinse it away with water right after you are separated. You'll also feel very sensitive for the next couple days. Though it shouldn't be of concern, don't breast feed in the next week, yada, yada, yada…okay!"

After the whole fiasco was finished with and the parents were properly clothed, they exited the curtains with grace but pointedly not touching each other past the hands. They definitely had gotten a day's worth of feeling the other up in. Jason quickly found the smirking Percy and was quick to beat up on the poor fellow. Nobody stopped him, not even Piper. She figured the guy looked a little bit too long after they were separated. He even tried to feel and make sure there was no damage, but Jason said he could easily do that.

Finally, as they walked to get James, Piper smacked his ass. "That's what we get for trying to be hot." Jason threw an arm around her shoulders and kissed her head.

"The thought," Jason sighed. "It's the thought that counts."

The car ride home was horribly conversational. It would have been nicer to have an awkward silence. After many accounts of avoiding the question, Jason and Piper sat James down on his bed and looked him in the eyes. "You shouldn't have switched those bottles. It could have been much worse," Piper warned firmly. James nodded.

"What were you doing?" He asked. Jason opened his mouth to answer. "Don't say wrestling. My friend's brother wrestles and he's never naked."

Piper looked between the two men. She wanted to shield her son's innocence, but not enough to form such a blatant lie. "Welp," she jumped to her feet. "Look's like he's getting 'the talk' early, huh, Jason?"

"Yeah," Jason sighed dejectedly, sticking up his middle finger behind his back to Piper. "Yeah he will."