I won't ramble here too much, If you want an update on where I've been go to my profile :)
With Carla back on our screens, I had to write something new... It's probably just a One shot
Peeerlease let me know your thoughts, I've missed this place a lot!
There is only so long that a troubled person can pretend that they are fine.
There is only so long that false smile can stay fixated on a person's face before it eventually begins to crack.
It happens to even the strongest of people.
It happens to everyone... eventually.
Days can go by, weeks even but one day that horrific moment comes.
That dreaded, gut wrenching moment when a person realises that they just can't lie anymore.
That moment when a person who has been trying their hardest to stay a float... begins to drown.
Carla Connor's moment came on a frosty Tuesday night.
Carla's Connor's moment had arrived whilst she was sat having a drink in The Rover's Return Pub with her family.
Although she'd never admit it… Carla had felt herself struggling to cope for a couple days now.
It had been two weeks since she had decided to come back to Weatherfield and in the beginning it was easy.
She was just visiting for Christmas, she turned up unexpectedly and could act as if she was totally happy.
It was easy to just smile at her family and friends, it was easy to catch up with them and offer up her advice… it was easy for her to play the role of Content Carla instead having to be Car Crash Carla… the woman who she was when she left Weatherfield all those years ago.
In the beginning Carla was able to pretend as if she didn't have a huge problem of her own to worry about, she was able to act as if she didn't have her hand wrapped around a glass of lemonade instead of an alcoholic tipple, which she could really do with right about now.
Of course it wasn't long before all the questions began… not that Carla had expected anything else of course.
Carla knew that the people in Weatherfield would definitely start to question why the famous Carla Connor wasn't drinking and initially Carla had thought that she had been prepared for that… only she wasn't.
Naturally, Carla's friends and family were convinced that she was hiding a pregnancy, after all that was normally the most obvious reason why someone wouldn't be drinking.
"I Wish…" Carla would think to herself whenever she was asked if she was pregnant, "I wish I was flamin pregnant."
As scary as childbirth sounded and as petrifying as Motherhood seemed, Carla felt that both of those scenarios weren't as terrifying as what she was hiding from everyone around her, Well… everyone but Roy Cropper that is.
Roy was probably the person in Weatherfield that Carla trusted the most, even over her family and longest friend Michelle. Carla had confided in Roy early on because she knew that he knew a lot about what she was going though, she knew he would understand… he had to understand… how could he not?
Carla also knew that it wouldn't take Roy long to figure out that she was keeping something to herself… she wouldn't have been able to hide it from.
As Christmas faded away and as the days began to go by, lying to her family and to her friends was getting harder and harder for Carla and soon enough she was starting to run out of excuses to explain her odd behaviour.
She'd even started ordering alcoholic drinks and pretending to drink them just to stop people from getting suspicious and whenever she could, Carla would empty out the drink before someone could notice that she wasn't actually swallowing a single drop.
That's what Carla was doing tonight, whenever her Dad, Jenny and Kate weren't looking she'd tip out some of her drink into an empty glass on the side but this had started to become tiresome for Carla and as she pretended to finish her second drink of the night, the conversation between her and her family had turned to Spain.
Johnny Connor was talking about spending next Christmas with everyone in Spain and how he'd really like it if Carla would come out there next year to visit him and his wife Jenny.
"Erm… we'll see." Carla had said, hoping that would be enough for her Dad but of course, it wasn't and he very quickly replied with,
"Why have you already got plans?" He half laughed as he spoke and his youngest daughter, Kate sipped her drink she said,
"Tell ya what, I well up for it… Christmas in the sunshine, Sounds amazing."
"Exactly." Johnny said with a nod, "Come on Carla, it's not as if you can't afford it, is it?"
"I know… n it's not about that…" Carla said with a hoarseness to her voice that she hated, "I just… well I don't know what I'm going to be doing in a years time… I mean who does?"
"I do…" Jenny said proudly, "I'll be in Spain."
"Me too." Johnny nodded, with another laugh.
"And me." Kate chimed in. "Come on Carla imagine, we could go to the beach in a Bikini after having our turkey." Kate laughed too this time, "Imagine, it would be dead weird."
"We'd love to ave you there Carla…" Johnny said, looking at his daughter lovingly.
Carla knew that they were all waiting for her to respond and as she sat in front of them, she wished that she could desperately tell them the truth.
"Alright… I'll think about it." Carla sighed now going with the truth at all because she couldn't. Johnny and Kate both cheered as Carla then added, "I'm not promising out though… But I will think about it."
"Yay…" Kate said, taking another sip of her drink before telling everyone that she was nipping to the toilets.
As her Dad and Jenny began discussing all the fun things they could do whilst celebrating Christmas in Spain, Carla found a lump forming in the back of her throat.
She didn't want to hear any of this… She didn't want to think about next Christmas at all… and the reason why she didn't want to think about next year, only made Carla feel like she might burst into tears there and then.
She didn't even know if she would be alive next Christmas.
Carla had cried in public before… she'd cried at her wedding, she'd cried in front of her nearest and dearest and in front of her enemies and the entire experience had left her feeling utterly defeated and so fragile that there was no way she was going to let that happen again.
However… despite feeling that way... despite not wanting anyone to know… the fact that no one had realised just how broken and scared Carla was, made her feel even more alone.
It truly seemed that even her own flesh and blood couldn't tell that even though she was smiling on the outside… on the inside she was screaming.
"I'm going to the toilet as well…" Carla mumbled to her Dad as she quickly climbed off the stool that she had been sat on and before he could reply, she began heading towards the loos.
It was only once she'd got half way to the bathrooms that Carla knew she'd end up running into Kate, so instead she decided going outside for some air was really the only option.
She decided when she got back she could tell them she got an important phone call and that she had to step outside to take it.
They'd fall for that line… they always did.
It was the middle of January and it was so cold outside that Carla had hoped the icy air would help her to calm back down again.
She briskly walked towards the doors which led to the garden and tried to make sure that no one had seen the rogue tear that fell down her cheek as she did so. With tears in her light eyes and a lump in the back of her throat, Carla pushed open the door, which led out side and she did so she let out a large sigh.
"Don't do this to yourself…" She whispered as tears began to run down her cheek, she shook her head quickly as she paced back and forth.
Although she was in a troubled state, Carla was at least a little grateful that she had a little time on her own... However only a second or so later, Carla wasn't on her own.
Someone had seen her leave the bar.
Someone had noticed the tears in her eyes.
Someone had been watching from across the room, like he had secretly been doing for a while now and as soon as he'd seen her get up and leave, he too had gotten up to see if she was okay.
That someone was Peter Barlow and he had very quietly but very quickly followed Carla outside because he couldn't bare the thought of not knowing much longer.
"Carla…" Peter called, which made her stop pacing back and forth and turn around in a stunned fashion. "What's the matter?" He asked as he travelled towards her, she quickly wiped the tears away from her cheeks, still in a state of shock that he had followed her out side.
"What ya doing ere?" Carla asked, sniffing and trying her hardest not to look as if she was on the verge of a breakdown.
She hadn't seen Peter sat there… sat across from her in the pub with his newspaper in hand. Carla couldn't quite believe he was now stood in front of her with a very concerned look on his face.
"I live ere." Peter smirked with an eyebrow raised, he had stopped about a foot away from Carla, making sure that he was giving her some space even though all he really wanted to do was give her a huge hug, he wasn't sure what was wrong but he knew there was definitely something going on and even though it was none of his business he waited with bated breath.
"Oh… yeah…" Carla breathed, condensation came out of her mouth because it was just that cold and as she folded her arms, Peter asked,
"What's wrong?"
"Nothin…" Carla lied instantly, she was more than used to pretending that she was okay by now and it came second nature to her to say that nothing was wrong when indeed, almost everything seemed wrong.
"Nothin." Peter repeated, his head was on one side as Carla was now looking down at her feet as if she was trying avoid eye contact with him because she didn't want Peter to see that she had been crying… even though it was obvious. "Carla… This doesn't look like nothin to me."
"Peter…" Carla sighed, shaking her head as she eventually matched his gaze, "Just leave it will ya… I've just come out ere for some fresh air, that's all."
"Fresh air?" Peter replied, knowing that Carla was lying to him, it was completely obvious by the look in her almost blood shot eyes.
"Yeah… I've had a rough day that's all... I'm okay… I promise..." Carla wiped her eyes once more and then decided it was probably better for her to face Johnny and Jenny then it was to face Peter, Johnny still didn't know her that well but Peter on the other hand… well even though it had been years since they'd split up, Carla was pretty sure that Peter could still read her like a book if he wanted to.
So, She gave him a fake smile and began to walk towards the door that led back inside the pub but as she walked past Peter, he shook his head and decided that enough was enough.
"You're lying." He said it boldly, loudly too and his words actually caused Carla to stop dead in her tracks once again.
She knew that the smart thing to do was to just continue walking inside but something inside her wouldn't let her do it.
"Excuse me?" Carla exclaimed as she turned around to face Peter, who took a step backwards.
"You're lying, you're not okay…" He said with a slight hint of nervous to his voice because all of the exchanges that he'd had with Carla since she had returned had been casual ones, jokey ones, ones where they just shared a bit of banter.
"Peter…" Carla began, feeling slightly out of control because she had been so sure that she'd convinced him that she was living a happy existence and now it seemed that he was seeing right through her confident façade. "I'm fine."
"Carla… this is me you're talking to… me… We might not be…" Peter began softly but this made Carla slightly angry
"Don't!" She cried, out loud this time, interrupting Peter and shaking her head adamantly. She stared at Peter in a way that not only made him feel nervous but it had somehow made him feel as if maybe he was actually starting to get somewhere with her. "Don't you dare try n make this about us…" Carla said, with a hint of anger to her voice, "I told ya I'm fine so just leave it… and leave me… leave me alone…"
"I can't..." Peter replied simply, Carla's heart started to race as Peter took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry Carla… "I've been watching you for weeks…"
"You've been watching me for weeks?" Carla exclaimed with both of her eyebrows raised as her heart continued to thump in her chest, "What sort of weirdo, stalker thing is that to say eh?" Peter laughed silently at Carla's comment and he shrugged un-apologetically as she waited for his reply. Whilst Carla's eyes were still teary and red, her voice had still sounded confident and that was enough for Carla to feel as if she could stand in front of Peter for a little bit longer.
"I just mean that when I've seen you out n about… I've noticed that something's not been quite right…" Peter said, taking a deep breath, as he looked serious again, "I saw what happened… you were sat at the bar one minute n the next… something upset you…I can tell you're hiding something n if you'd just be honest about it… I'd like to help you."
"Help me? With what?" Carla sighed frustratedly, not at all sure what to do now that someone had finally confronted her.
As much as she was glad that someone had noticed how much of a tough time that she was going through, she wasn't entirely sure that she was glad it was Peter.
Of all the people on the street, Peter was probably the last person Carla wanted to talk to about her problems and yet… of course, of course Peter was the one to have noticed that she needed someone… of course he was.
"I told ya…" Carla said with a hand on her hip, "I've had a bad day n I just wanted some fresh air… Besides… If there were something wrong… which there isn't, It's not any of your business is it? So back off, Peter." And with that, Carla went to walk away again but Peter very quickly ran ahead and stopped right in front of her. "Move!" She said, a little taken aback by Peter's determination, even though it was so like him to get involved.
"Look Carla, you can do one of two things ere…" Peter began with a shrug, standing closer to Carla then he had been in the longest time, they weren't touching but there was now only six inches or so between them, "You can keep pretending as if nothin's wrong, You can mosey on back into that pub n carry on acting as if you're A okay, but you know me… n you know what I'm like… n you know that eventually… I'll wear you down…"
"Please..." Carla scoffed, shaking her head slowly and sighing in a way, which showed Peter that she was starting to weaken a little.
They'd had conversations in the café, chats in The Kabin and Hellos on the street but Carla and Peter hadn't had any moments like this.
Personal moments, intimate moments, moments where they were well and truly alone with each other
After so many years it was literally just the two of them and Carla felt herself begin to tremble slightly as she stood in front of Peter.
"It's been what…" began Peter, "Seven years since I found out about your drinking… since I helped you through it… You were the same back then as you are now… I mean… you wouldn't talk to me about it, you told me to leave you alone… but in the end you let me in…"
"Yeah cause I didn't bloody ave a choice…" Carla interjected, rolling her eyes as she spoke and shaking her head again, Peter on the other hand, was nodding and then added,
"Well then… you know that I'll keep asking you what's wrong… you know that I won't give up…" Peter spoke so enticingly but he moved back a little, to give Carla her personal space back, although she secretly she didn't want it back. "So you decide… you can tell me now, or you can tell me later… but eventually... you will tell me."
Carla swallowed hard as she took a deep breath and looked at Peter who was stood before her and as much as she wanted someone else to confide in… as pleased as she was that someone was paying her this much attention, her brain was still in charge of the situation so she just shook her head slowly and quietly said,
"It's not two thousand and ten anymore Peter… things ave changed… I've changed."
"Ave you?" Peter asked with an eyebrow raised.
"Yeah." Carla nodded, breathing in a little to try and gain back some more of the confidence she had had when she and Peter had started this conversation, "I ave, I'm not that woman anymore… you can't get under my skin anymore…" Carla had tried to say that last bit with conviction but inside she was all too aware that Peter had well and truly got under her skin. "Why don't you just go back inside eh…" She said, trying her hardest to sound assertive.
"Carla…" Peter said, shaking his head at her because he really thought he had come close to getting her to open up a little and now it appeared that he was losing what control he'd had one the situation. "Look… I know it's none of me business… I know I ave no right… I know that whatever you're going through is absolutely nothin to do with me… n you really don't ave to tell me about it…"
"Yeah, too bloody right I don't..." Carla snapped but this made Peter flash half a grin in her direction.
"Ahhhh so there is something then?" He said looking smug. Carla didn't reply to him this time, she just looked annoyed at herself for falling for such a trick. "Look… My point is… I just can't stand the thought of you dealing with what ever it is you're dealing with… alone."
"Yeah well I'm not dealing with it alone, I've told Roy… He knows what's happenin, so will you leave me alone now?" Carla said quickly, with her head on one side and her hands on her hips, she read Peter's unsure expression and then sighed before she added, "No… I'm not just sayin that… I really have told him… he knows everythin… okay…"
Peter watched Carla and for the first time since he'd come outside, he could she was telling him the truth.
"Okay…" He nodded, "Well… I'm... glad you've told someone…" Carla couldn't help but feel that Peter looked a little disappointed that he wasn't going to get this secret out of Carla.
She could have told him… Carla could have told Peter the truth but she knew he had enough of his own family issues to worry about.
She also knew that she and Peter would only manage to stay friends if they didn't get too close to each other, she knew that if she was honest... if she told Peter about what was wrong then he really wouldn't give up.
"Peter… I really appreciate that you still care about me… I really do…" Carla said as a tear ran down her cheek but this one she didn't rush to wipe away. "I'm… just not ready to talk about...it."
"I understand…" Peter nodded again, "As I said… I didn't mean to push you… I just didn't want you to be alone… now I know you've got Roy… I'll lay off."
"Good." Carla said with a sigh, she gave Peter a small smile and this smile was a genuine one... a scared one but a genuine one all the same.
There was a small silence, an awkward silence… the kind of silence where both Carla and Peter could have filled it with what they really wanted to say but instead they both chose to say silent for a few moments longer.
"God, you're a nosy sod ain't ya?" Carla eventually said, but she said it with another smile as she folded both arms and for the first time she'd come outside she'd felt like she'd managed to regulate her emotions.
"You know you really shouldn't talk to me like that…" Peter grinned, "I mean I do own this place after all…"
"Ohhh get you…" Carla teased, "What cha gonna do Landlord Barlow? Are ya gonna bar me from your boozer?"
"Hmmm… don't tempt me." Peter laughed, he watched Carla who sniffed and unfolded her arms, "Then again… I doubt it would matter… it's not as if you've been drinking any actual booze is it?"
"Oi..." Carla said, giving him a look. She was half annoyed and half amazed that even he had noticed that she'd not been having an alcoholic drink.
"I know, I know… I said I'd lay off n I mean it... I will." Peter said, he only had on a T-Shirt and rubbed both of his hands together to try and warm up as he stood before Carla.
"Go back inside, Peter…" Carla said quietly watching him, her eyes weren't as red anymore and somehow, even with this silently intense exchange with Peter she'd even managed to cheer right up, even though she too, was outside without a jacket because she'd just left it with Johnny and Jenny.
"Alright…" Peter nodded, I'll go back inside… but only if you come with me."
"No ta… I'm fine out ere for a bit longer thanks." Carla replied casually although it was clear to Peter that she was also starting to get very very cold, she was almost shivering as she stood before him.
"It's freezin out ere… there's actually a patch of ice over there…" Peter said pointing in the corner but then he grinned at Carla as he said, "Hang on I've forgotten who I'm talking too... This temperature probably suits you just fine."
"Haaa ha ha." Carla dryly replied, she took a deep breath and then rolled her eyes before saying, "Alright… I'll come back inside… but only because my lot are probably looking for me… well they better be… I've been gone at least five minutes, anything could ave happened to me..." Peter chuckled as Carla began to walk towards the doors but before she could go inside he reached out and grabbed hold of her hand.
"Carla…" He said, not only shocking Carla with his actions but also himself because he's hands and mouth worked had both worked without his brain telling them to do so.
"What…" Carla breathed, looking down at her and Peter's entwined hands, he had only taken hold of hand to comfort her but he very quickly pulled it away when he realised what it probably looked like.
"If you get a little bored… of talking to Roy…" Peter sheepishly began, I mean… if you need someone else to talk to… you can… talk to me..."
"Peter…" Carla said softly, wishing desperately that she could tell him everything.
"I'm always ere… that's all." Peter said quickly, shoving his hands in his pockets and not wanting Carla to think that he was butting in, "Okay."
Carla slowly nodded at Peter with a truly touched look on her face and as another rogue tear ran down her cheek, she sniffed and said,
"So… does this mean you're gonna write ya number down on a fag packet n shove it in me bag, in case I need it?" Carla smiled, wiping her cheek.
"You know I might just do that…" Peter smiled back as he and Carla both began to make their way back inside the pub. "Although I'd be hard pressed to find an empty packet on me, as I've given up."
"No way…" Carla said, shaking her head as she and Peter walked through the doors and back into the pub once more.