Oh my god! It's my first attempt at humor. So please, be kind. Once again, I'm playing with my favorite Fullmetal Alchemist couple, so there WILL be yaoi or shonen-ai or whatever you want to call it. Sorry if I seemed rushed, but I have to cram in all this typing amongst checking my e-mail, my DeviantArt and dodging my siblings and parents. It's tough.
Oh, and all the copyright stuff applies. Characters aren't mine and so on. …Yeah.
Groggy was an understatement. He quite literally dragged himself out of bed, flipping vagrant strands of emerald-black hair out of his face. He was still too tired to alter forms appropriately and hence shuffled into the nearby bathroom dressed only in his wrinkled skort.
He splashed cold water on his pretty androgynous face in an attempt to better wake himself. It didn't work. It simply succeeded in soaking the thick strands of hair that now obscured his view. Grumbling incoherently, he tried in vain to rid himself of the flamboyant veil before pulling the bathroom door open once again.
However, as he did so, he was met with something he didn't expect; something that brought him about to perfect alert consciousness.
The half dressed homunculus found himself face-to-face with a very unhappy colonel Mustang. His mind raced. Why was the colonel here? Or, maybe, the real question was, where was he?
"You," the angered human snarled, "Why are you in the military dorm area?"
Envy stared stupidly at Mustang. At least now he knew where he was. Shaking his head, he muttered tiredly, "I wish I knew…"
Apparently, Mustang hadn't heard him. "What are you planning, scum?" he demanded icily.
Glaring defensively, Envy retorted, "Nothing you suspicious bastard! I don't even know why the hell I'm here!!"
"Is that so?" the colonel hissed, "Then why don't you leave the way you got in?"
Rolling his eyes in frustration, Envy snapped, "What part of 'I don't know how I got here' doesn't seem to register with you?!"
The angered alchemist raised his gloved hand, fingers poised to snap. If the homunculus didn't know better, he'd have laughed at the rather harmless gesture. However, Envy was fully aware that it was anything but harmless.
"Retrace your footsteps then," Mustang commanded coldly.
Scoffing, Envy brushed arrogantly past the colonel and let his feet take over. At least they knew what they were doing.
It didn't take long for Envy's feet to work backwards, leading both homunculus and alchemist to the bed from which Envy had dragged himself earlier that morning. But the bed wasn't empty. Another person lay sleeping soundly beneath the covers. Suddenly, Envy remembered why he was there, and the shape shifter could feel his face go red.
There, with arms curled beneath his pillow, lay Edward Elric. It was clear the young man didn't have a shirt on, but what else he was missing couldn't be discerned. For various reasons, Envy was thankful for that. Mustang, on the other hand, was furious.
"Fullmetal!!" he practically shrieked, "What the hell is going on here?!?"
Ed woke with a start, immediately sitting up and looking around in confusion. Wiping sleeping from his large golden eyes, Ed muttered groggily, "Mustang? What are you doing in my room?"
"What am I doing here?" the colonel sputtered angrily, "What am Idoing here?! Why don't you tell me what he'shere?!?"
Envy flinched slightly as Mustang stabbed an accusing finger in his direction. He hadn't meant to be here this long. It was supposed to have been a 'get in, get it done, get out' sort of thing. Oh, Lust and Sloth were so going to pay for this…if he got out of it.
The blond alchemist moved his sleepy, languid gaze from Roy to the rather embarrassed homunculus. Face flushing a brilliant scarlet color, Ed's jaw fell slack.
"Good morning," Envy greeted with a fleeting smile.
Ed's mouth opened and closed several times before he blurted, "Why are you still here?!"
"You invited him, Fullmetal?!" Roy looked about read to blow a blood vessel.
"N-no!" Ed quickly defended, "He kind of just…showed up last night."
Envy toyed nervously with his still damp hair. True, he'd simply 'shown up' last night, but not entirely of his choice.
He and the other homunculi – for reasons that now escaped his mind – had decided to 'have a few drinks'. Well, a 'few' became a lot and common sense deserted them all fairly easily. One of the others – or was it him? he couldn't remember – had decided it would be fun to play 'truth or dare'. And Envy, preferring to keep to himself about himself, had taken 'dare' every time. They were tame to begin with ( "take off all but one piece of clothing", "lick Wrath's foot", "steal one of Dante's bras", etc) until Lust decided to plot with Sloth. It was then that "I dare you to have sex with Fullmetal" came up. Envy, ever proud and refusing to lose or take 'truth – and wasted beyond better judgment – got up and declared he would. And he did. Quite passionately to boot. How, he couldn't remember, but apparently he'd passed out and forgotten to leave. The others probably thought Ed had killed him.
"And you let him stay?!" Roy continued to demand.
Ed was clearly getting fed up with Mustang's shouting. "Look, he didn't do anything wrong!"
"How do you know?!" the colonel pressed as if Envy wasn't there, "He could have stolen military files and given them to his partners!"
"I know because I slept with him!!" Ed replied sharply. However, judging by the color that stained his cheeks and the sudden movement of his hands to his mouth, he hadn't meant to.
Roy couldn't have looked more disgusted. "You did what?!?"
Envy decided that the yelling had gone on long enough. His head was pounding enough as it was and all the shouting wasn't helping any. Gracefully sliding between Mustang and his Fullmetal chibi, the homunculus said calmly, "That's right. I made love to Edward last night. I didn't come here for your silly secrets or to kill any of your precious soldiers. I came here for him." Then, against what little judgment he had left, Envy turned and kissed Ed.
The small alchemist tensed momentarily, but quickly recovered, digging his hands into Envy's hair and pulling the homunculus into a much deeper, passionate kiss. Envy felt every cold, anti-social barrier inside him melt away. He was swooning like a love struck school girl, but he couldn't have given less of a damn. It felt so good, he couldn't even think of a reason to. However, a sharp, cracking, pain in his ribs proved a very good reason.
Envy yelped and stumbled away from his attacker. Roy's heavy military boot had made cruel angered contact with Envy's bare chest, easily breaking several of the shape shifter's ribs. Luckily, he healed quickly. That didn't mean it didn't hurt though.
"What the hell is your problem?!" Envy snapped, hands pressed defensively to his wounded chest.
Roy's eyes were pure hatred. "My problem?" he snarled, voice filled with cold, steely fury, "My problem, you disgusting homunculus, is the fact that you are standing in my headquarters after raping one of my soldiers!! Now get out before I kill you!!!"
Envy snarled low in his throat, but chose not to push his luck. He was still hung-over and sleepy, and fighting a pissed colonel Mustang probably wouldn't go over very well. Scoffing angrily, Envy shifted forms to clothe himself before walking over and pulling open the chibi's window.
However, before taking his leave, Envy looked over his shoulder at the fuming Flame Alchemist and sneered cynically, "Thank you so much for the hospitality. I'll be sure to tell the others all about how you generously let a homunculus leave 'your' military H.Q. alive." He then launched himself gracefully from the window to the pavement below, easily altering forms to disappear. Now that he was out of there, heads were going to roll.
To Be Continued…