Author's note: Comments and criticisms of any type are greatly appreciated. Please feel free to nitpick. My thanks.
Disclaimer: RK, and all characters thereof, belong to their perspective owners. This is not for profit.
Special thanks to Kamorgana and sueb262 for beta-reading.
Title: Nothing More
The sun is setting, and still, I sit and wait in this cold, empty temple.
It is a habit, nothing more.
Greeting the arrival of every sunrise with a cup of tea that you pour for me.
It is a habit, nothing more.
Waiting for you to thaw my world each morning with a smile.
It is a habit, nothing more.
It is the only reason I still wait.
You are a habit, nothing more.
A temporary need, a familiar fragrance, a cheering presence.
Nothing more.
There can never be anything more. Still, I wait.
It is a habit. Nothing more ...
I sit and watch as the sun takes its final plunge towards its grave, staining the clear blue skies with its crimson blood, struggling for one last moment, for one final redemption, but there is never any. Some actions are irreversible; some sins are unforgivable. One cannot turn back time and undo what has already been done. All that's left now is the oncoming darkness. It is the same with every fall; except I will not tarnish your blue eyes with the color of my sin, and I will not cloud your heart with the shadows of my past. For you are the blue skies: high, pure. You will soar to places I can never go. I am nothing more than an anchor that holds you down, so be free, fly away - to new worlds, new futures. Worlds and futures without me. Why then do I still wait?
It must be a habit. Nothing more.
I exit the temple. The winter wind whips past me, lifting the edge of my trench coat until it trails behind me like a plume of cloud, like the way you used to trail behind me when we walked home together. I miss our walks. I miss the sound of your steps as you skip across the stony path, I miss the laughter in your voice as you recount your daily adventures, and I miss the passion in your ki as you relish every moment of the journey. The world warms when you are behind me. But such feelings are an illusion. I have started on this path alone, and I will finish it alone. You are but a fleeting visitor.
Nothing more.
Before me, the familiar outline of the Aoiya emerges from within the darkness like the beacon at the end of my journey, but I hesitate at its front door. Instead of opening it and sauntering across, like when I am with you, I want nothing more than to return to the darkness whence I come. I use to call this place home, but now it is merely a place I lodge at. I have not the desire to enter its warmth, for I have not the courage to face the people within. Without you, I am unprepared to confront the world. Himura has shown me the emptiness within my soul and has forced me to acknowledge the truth. Meditation has allowed me to build a wall around that weakness, so I can hide it from the world. But you ...
You have filled that emptiness and made me whole. You have poured out your joy and warmth day after day, and have asked for nothing in return. Without you, I am an empty shell, but when I am with you, I can see the life drained out of your eyes. After you have given me everything, what do you have left? I cannot accept that. I will not watch you bleed until you are nothing more than a ghost of the cheerful innocence we used to know. I refuse to allow your happiness to pass into memory until it is beyond all recall. I have failed my duty as your protector once. I will not fail again.
Not anymore.
The door to the Aoiya opens before me without warning.
"Aoshi-sama!" Okon says, "I thought you were Soujiro. What are you doing out there? Come in."
She steps aside, and I stride past her. We do not exchange further words. We have only pointless pleasantries for each other. To know that we were once comrades, even friends ... now we are housemates.
Nothing more.
I continue down my path alone. I can feel Okon watching me from behind, but she will not join me. Soon, she will hurry away, before the silence discomforts her. This too, has become a habit. In silence, there is no need to lie about the present, no need to idealize the future, and no need to reminisce about the past; about all the things that could have been, should have been, but is not. For those are the topics that none of us ever speaks of, and yet, those are the very lesions none of us can ever ignore. Still, it is the pattern of our lives, and we canonize it until it becomes a rite.
Nothing less.
I continue on without looking back, until my path crosses yours. There, I stop, at the foyer of the Aoiya, where I gaze upon you as you lay your cheek on the tabletop, asleep with the ledger open beside you. Okina must have been forcing you to learn about the financial situation of the Oniwabanshu again. You hate it. You can never sit still long enough to learn the finer points like bookkeeping, but you are the okashira now, and I can no longer shoulder those burdens for you. You have outgrown my protection; you have outgrown me. Nevertheless, I cannot help but to want to protect you. It stems from my earliest memory, my most basic instinct. To protect the Oniwanbanshu, to protect you. How could I have strayed so far? One instant in time ... one incident in life ... one moment of choice ... Then bad decisions upon bad decisions until I have passed the point of no return, but there is no use looking back now, at things that can no longer be. So I look forward instead.
To you. To your sleeping form. You are smiling. You must be having a sweet dream. Am I in it? You used to call out my name in your sleep. You never realize I knew. You never realize that I notice the things you do for me.
But I do. I notice everything about you. I know you better than you know yourself. I can still recall all the events in your life - even the ones you have long forgotten. I remember your first step, your first word: Ao-nii. You spoke my name before you even learned to say "mom". I can still remember the way your tiny fingers gripped mine, and how you refused to let go. I remember the day I left Aoiya. The day I left you. The day my life began to fall apart.
You shiver in your slumber; I take off my coat. It is already winter, much too cold to sleep in your sleeveless vest, but you never seem to notice for you are always radiating warmth for all those around you. Just this once, I want it to be different. I want to embrace you in my warmth instead, so I drape my coat over you. You smile, snuggling further into the heat.
"Soujiro ..." You whisper.
I flinch away, feeling as if burned by a blaze. But why shouldn't you call out his name in your sleep? He is the one you love now. He is your future. I am your past. All is as it should be.
Nothing more.
I walk away and head up the stairs.
"Soujiro is here!" Okon's voice calls out, waking you from your sleep.
You jump up immediately, with your boundless enthusiasm.
"Soujiro!" You swing free from the coat I covered you with; it crumples to the ground, but you do not notice. You race towards the door, towards him, all the while shouting, "Wait for me, Sou, I'm coming!"
You dash out of the room. The chill outside doesn't even pause you. You would have raced across Japan, barefooted through feet of snow, if you felt for a second that he may need you. You used to do that for me, but he is the one you run to now. So I stand, root to my spot, until even your shadow has flown into his embrace. Then like a wraith, I descend down the stairs to retrieve my coat. How easily you have left it behind. To you, it is but a superfluous embellishment.
Nothing more.
I pick up the crumpled fabric. I can still feel your warmth within its folds, but that too would change. Soon, the frost will obliterate any trace of your presence. All will fade into memory.
Nothing more.
Life goes on. Yet it hurts, like a knife through my heart, and the pain spreads until it paralyzes in a way that should never have been. You do not love me. I cannot love you. The gap between us is too wide, and it is for the best. This pain is nothing but a habit. You are nothing but a habit. Old habits die hard, but they nevertheless die.
There can never be anything more.
Not anymore.