Loved and Lost
Disclaimer – I own nothing, please enjoy.
It was around 8.30pm when Grace looked at the clock and realised just how long she'd been in the office that day, and just how late it was. She got up from the desk and stretched her aching back, before walking over to the cabinet in her office and retrieving a bottle of wine and a glass; she hit play on the CD player as she walked over to the sofa to sit down. She poured herself a glass of the Doña Paulina Cabernet Sauvignon; it was a dark and fruity red wine that she was rather partial to, so always kept a bottle in the office. She kicked off her shoes and sat back, sipping the wine and relaxing to the sound of Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet playing in the background, she rested her head against the back of the sofa and closed her eyes.
-o0o-
Eve threw her lab coat in with the rest of the dirty lab coats and grabbed her jacket and bag; she took a look around ensuring she had switched everything off before leaving for the evening. As she made her way out she became aware of the sound of music coming from the main office area, she was unaware that anyone was still in, so walked through to see who it was. She could see from a distance, the beautiful and elegant sight of Grace relaxing in her office, a glass of wine in her hand and the soft haunting sound of Romeo and Juliet playing in the back ground. Eve stood and watched her, leaning slightly against a wall trying to remain out of sight, not intending for a moment to disturb her, just gazing at her from a distance was all she wanted to do. She sighed inwardly as she watched her, the object of her forbidden desire, the woman that she could only watch from a safe distance, the woman who she gazed upon all too frequently, who she saw, but who didn't see her, at least not in the same way, she knew all too well what it was like to work alongside that woman day in and day out. Too afraid of admitting how she felt.
-o0o-
Grace immediately became aware of the presence of someone else in the vicinity, her eyes sprung open and looked around her, in the distance she could see Eve standing in the bullpen, silently.
Eve immediately put her hand up, "night Grace."
Grace held up her glass of wine, "Join me for one." She suggested to her colleague.
Eve walked into Grace's office and dropped her bag to the floor, it had been a long day, and she couldn't deny that no matter how short the time, any time spent in the company of Grace was to be grabbed with both hands. She thanked Grace for the drink as it was handed to her.
"So how's your day been?" Grace asked her.
"Not too bad, yours?"
"Oh you know, up to my elbows in bodily fluids and DNA tests."
"That good eh?"
"I love it really."
"Are you okay Eve?"
"What makes you ask that?"
"You seem very quiet lately, if you want to talk about anything I'm always here, you do know that don't you?" As she said the words Grace placed her hand over Eve's, causing a shiver to run up and down Eve's spine.
"I'm fine, thanks though." She replied pulling her hand from under Grace's for fear of her emotions taking over.
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to overstep the boundaries." Grace said feeling her pull her hand away so quickly.
Eve couldn't help think of the irony of that statement, all she wanted to do was overstep the boundaries with the woman sat beside her, "No, it's fine, honest, I'm just not used to that much physical contact."
"How are things outside of work?"
"It's all okay, same old, same old really, I guess."
"You don't seem too sure about that, is there some handsome man keeping the bed warm at home?"
Eve smiled a nervous smile at Grace's words, "no, you know what it's like in this job, no time for a social life."
"Really, I would have thought you'd have been fighting them off."
"Why?"
"Because you're gorgeous, and young and intelligent and you have a lovely personality, god if I had a son I'd be bringing him for an introduction."
"I should go, it's getting late." Eve replied dodging the compliments Grace had just paid her.
"Have I said something wrong?"
"No I should just get going."
As Eve stood up to leave Grace stood up with her, "I'm always here Eve, and nothing you say to me would go any further, you know that don't you?" Eve smiled at her in response and just nodded her head, as she did so, Grace put her arms around her and pulled her into a friendly embrace, unaware of the effect her action was having on her younger colleague.
Eve could feel her heartbeat increase as Grace slipped her arms around her and held her tightly; it was what she longed for, yet at the same time, what she dreaded. The pounding of her heart seemed so powerful and so loud she was quite sure Grace would be able to hear it, and be able to feel the heat radiating from her flushed face. She could stay in her arms forever, it felt so safe and secure, so warm and loving, she couldn't help but close her eyes and lean her head gently against Grace's, the soft and delicate scent of her perfume still evident even after a day in the office, and the feel of her soft hair gentle against her own skin. She felt Grace loosening her grip and pulling away and knew she must do the same, desperate not to give away the strength of her feelings for the woman who held her heart in a vice like grip.
As they parted Grace put her hand against Eve's cheek, "Are you sure you're okay?" She asked with her usual and as always, very genuine maternal concern, the same concern she showed for all her younger colleagues and even to Boyd at times, even though the closeness in his age to her own lessened the maternal feeling towards him, never the less, the concern and depth of feeling was the same for all of them.
She didn't know what made her do it, whether it was the hug, whether it was the gentle hand on her face, or the sheer intoxication of the situation, whatever it was, she did it, and the moment she did it, she knew she'd regret it, and by god she did.
Grace didn't expect it, not for one single minute did she expect it, but it happened too quick for her to avoid it, and she had no idea why she didn't pull away quicker, maybe it was shock, maybe it was the alcohol, for a minute she could swear she even responded to it, god she hoped she didn't, hoped more than anything that she didn't. She did not have any feelings of that kind towards her colleague, and she was not aware that Eve had any feelings like that towards her, but she obviously did, that was now blatantly obvious.
From the moment their eyes locked it was like she couldn't resist, like she was under a spell, and she had no control over what she was doing. She leant forward and gently pressed her lips to Grace's, she wasn't sure how long it lasted, could have been a second could have been longer, and for a moment, a tiny bloody moment, she could have sworn that she responded, that she kissed her back, she felt her lips move against her own, and she was sure she didn't imagine it.
Oh my god, she thought to herself, what the hell do I do now, the thoughts rushed through Grace's mind, she pulled away as quickly as she could, but it took her a moment to come to her senses. She couldn't help but over analyse the situation in her mind, what if I've given her the wrong idea, what if she thinks the feelings are reciprocated, what if she thinks I kissed her back intentionally, oh god, what a bloody mess.
Eve went to walk away pretty sharpish, but Grace managed to grab hold of her hand. "I think we need to talk, don't you?" She said to her, a serious edge to her voice. Eve didn't speak; she was desperately trying to hide her embarrassment to not let Grace see her blushes.
"Sit down Eve." Grace insisted.
"I'm sorry; I don't know what came over me."
"Sit down." Eve turned and sat back down, still refusing to look at Grace, "what's going on Eve?"
"It was just a kiss Grace, I've said I'm sorry, please, can't we just leave it at that."
"I don't think we should, I want to know what's going on, you've been behaving oddly around me recently, I thought I'd done something wrong, but maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick. Have I?"
Eve still remained staring at the wall, "yes." She replied quietly.
"Yes what?"
"Yes, you have the wrong end of the stick."
"Could you tell me what the right end of the stick is?"
"I would have thought that was pretty obvious now."
"I would prefer to hear you say it, so that I don't get it wrong again."
"I think it's me who's got things wrong, don't you?"
"Tell me Eve, what's going on?"
"I've fallen in love with you Grace, is that clear enough for you." She shook her head in disbelief at her own words as they came rolling out of her mouth.
"I'm not really sure what to say, except that I'm….."
"Is this where you say you're flattered but it's not really your bag? That I'm not your type!" Eve said before Grace could finish the sentence.
"I wasn't going to say that, obviously I'm flattered very much so. I need to ask Eve, are you gay or is this just a so called girl crush?"
"I'm gay."
"I didn't know, I've never picked up on that."
"You not equipped with gaydar then Grace."
"Clearly not, how long have you felt this way?"
"What gay? Since puberty I guess." She replied knowing full well it wasn't what Grace meant.
"I meant…."
"I know what you meant." Eve replied quickly, interrupting Grace again. "How long have I felt like this towards you, right? I don't know, not really, I just….." she took a deep breath before continuing, "I don't know, not really, you always made me feel so welcome from the very first moment I arrived, I suppose it started from the first time I met you, I felt so comfortable around you so at ease, pretty soon I realised that I felt something more than I probably should be feeling for a work colleague, I found myself wanting to hold you, to take you to my bed, to make love to you and hold you in my arms afterwards." Eve stopped talking suddenly, and blushed, again looking away from Grace, "I'm sorry, I've said too much."
"No, it's okay, honestly, and I really wish I could say that I feel the same, but the truth is, I don't, I love you, just as I love Spence and Stella, but I'm not attracted to you, I'm not gay and I don't share your feelings."
Eve stared down at her hands as Grace said the words she dreaded ever hearing, it would have been so much easier to have continued to watch her from a distance, to keep the hope alive, but now she has to live with the pain that the woman she loves with all her heart does not feel the same.
"I'm sorry Eve; I don't want to hurt your feelings."
"It's okay, I never thought that you would feel the same, and now, well now I'm just embarrassed by all this to be honest."
"You have no reason to be embarrassed, I will never breathe a word of this to anyone, I give you my word, I only wish I could tell you that this would work out, that I feel the same, that we could have something together, but I don't, it's not who I am."
"When I kissed you, for a moment, just a moment mind, I thought you kissed me back, wishful thinking I guess."
"Wishful thinking, combined with alcohol and a little shock on my part, and I'm truly sorry about that, but it really isn't the case."
"I really should get going." Eve replied, she'd heard all she needed to hear, albeit not what she wanted to hear, there was nothing more to be said, no need to rake over the coals any longer.
"Will you be okay?" Grace asked with genuine concern in her voice.
"I'll be fine, thanks." Eve picked up her bag and headed to the door, Tchaikovsky still playing softly on the stereo, Romeo and Juliet, how appropriate she thought to herself, a tragic tale of a forbidden love. "Night Grace." She said quietly as she headed out of the door.
-o0o-
As she sat in the sanctuary of her car Dr Eve Lockhart gave a sigh that suddenly turned into a sob, she gripped the steering wheel as she tried to get a grip on her emotions, "Oh god!" she said between sobs, as she cried, she didn't know what was worse, the embarrassment of what had just happened or the pain of loving someone who has made it very clear that she will never feel the same, a love that has no hope at all of ever becoming a reality. She was a grown woman, not a stupid teenager with a crush on a teacher, how could she have let this happen, why the hell did she kiss her, why the hell didn't she just walk away.
-o0o-
Grace sat back at her desk, now alone in her office. The events of the evening swirling around in her mind, she could say without any doubt, that she had never had any suspicion of Eve's feelings towards her. She only hoped her words of disappointment had been comforting enough, and that she had sugared the bitter pill of rejection enough to sweeten it, not that it could ever be a pleasant thing to hear. She meant what she had said to her though, she would never tell a soul about this, and she would never again mention it to Eve, unless she brought the subject up first, it was the least she could do.
-o0o-
A mighty pain to love it is,
and 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain
By
Abraham Cowley
FB WtD "Bizarre Pairings" Challenge: "Max 2000 words, rating of your choice, must be a relationship of any other kind than Boyd and Grace, can be unrequited love or a full-on affair, can be slash or straight, and involve any characters from any series, and doesn't have to be CCU member, e.g. Grace's ex-lovers etc."
Have over shot the max words, oops.