A Mother's Regret, a degrassi fanfic

A Mother's Regret

Her mind played all kinds of noises. Beeping, whining, crying, shouting, explosions. All of these were racing through her head and she did not know why. She would never know why, probably. But as she woke up to readjust to the real world- no sleep again tonight- she heard an unfamiliar sound. Silence. And silence was a really good thing. And then again, it was really bad.

There was not much to worry about as she lied in her bed. The silence would soon past, she thought. Silence never really stayed long in her house anymore. God how she missed the old days where silence would be able to accompany her to bed. Now things were different. Everything and everyone would forever be different. Silence would be no more.

Cooing…

Crying.

Damn. Silence left again. She pushed herself up to go to the source of the problem. The problem was also the reason of her existence. The very thing she was cursing to fix was the very being to why she no longer had eating disorders anymore. This creature of pure irritation was also a creation of pure heaven. Though she wished that this…"bliss" did not have that cursed color.

Picking up the bundle, she muttered one phrase.

"It had to turn blue."

That was the same phrase she had said approximately thirteen months ago. That color will forever be the color she hated most in this world. But bouncing the bundle brought back a pattern that she was familiar with.

Cooing…

Silence.

She smiled slightly. It was as if she was playing a game of baseball after a hitter hits the ball and they knew it was a homeroom hit.

Going…

Gone.

Unfortunately, the "gone" never came as the cooing continued once again. Instead of battling this Goddess of Nocturnal Energy standing up, she chose to take this to her comfort zone. The bed. The cooing continued all the way to the bed, but the battle had just begun.

"Kylie, please go to sleep for Mommy." she murmured to the bundle softly. "I have a big day tomorrow."

She knew that pleading would never work. It never did. This creation that she now laid on her chest would continue to annoy her until the end of time. Or at least until sleep took its course on the both of them.

It was like this every night, unfortunately. Kylie would whine or just make some noise to let her presence be known. And Emma… Oh Emma wanted to ignore it. Emma wanted to pretend that Kylie did not exist some nights. Emma wanted her life back.

"I wonder if this is what Manny was trying to avoid." Emma muttered.

Strangely, Kylie laughed. It was a cute baby laugh, yet so annoying at the same time.

Manny had an abortion to avoid this situation. Manny had given up her child's life to continue hers. Emma thought about that, only after the fact. She had been so…determined. Never would she call herself stubborn. Either way, Emma had been a diehard pro-life advocate that she never really saw the downfall of it. Then again, abortion was murder, no way around it.

Then again, she could have done what Liberty did. Adoption did sound good at one point. The baby would be alive, so no murder, and someone who wanted her would have her. Adoption would make her life so easy. Or at least as easy as it was going to be. Liberty might have a regret or two about the adoption, but she never had to deal with the late nights, early mornings, and pressure of being a full-time mom.

But no, she did not choose adoption either. Why? Because Kylie was just… Kylie was just… Emma groaned. She could never find the right words to describe Kylie. Pretty, no beautiful. Her voice- whenever she was not crying- was so angelic. And that fresh baby smell just makes the top three lovable things Emma could list about her daughter.

A sigh caused Emma to look down at the small baby.

Cooing….

Cooing…

Gone.

This time, without a doubt, Kylie was asleep. Emma did not have to even try to go to sleep before her eyelids slowly closed…

"Mommy!"

Emma groaned. "Kylie, what is it?"

"Door!" the toddler replied.

Emma rolled out of bed. Schooling had taken a turn for her and she ended up getting a job instead of going to Smithdale like she wanted. Kylie had made sure that no one got in-between the two blondes and school was no exception. Emma swore that if she could get paid by working at home, the little brat would keep her locked inside the apartment for as long as she could.

The door opened and Emma saw a woman there. Brunette. Brown eyes. Cute face. Curvy to a degree. And still shorter than she was. Yeah, Manny Santos had changed in a lot of ways, but not in physiques. Sure, Emma thought, you could count her bust size, but that was bound to happen, right?

"Manny? What are you doing here?" Emma asked.

"I, I have to talk to you." Manny said. "Can I come in?"

"Sure." Emma said. She led her friend to the couch that had somehow absorbed the smell of the pizza Emma and Kylie had eaten the previous night. Veggie Pizza, of course. And speaking of the three-year-old girl, Kylie hopped in-between Emma and Manny, taken her role as guard dog. Emma, however, moved Kylie onto her lap. "You were saying?"

The conversation would go on to trouble Emma for the rest of her life. Manny spoke clear and punctuate. And there were times afterwards that Emma thought Manny had put her acting into good or bad use, depending on one's view of it.

Snake was sick. That was all she managed to get from it. Return to Toronto because your dad was sick. And after the third time of repeating it, Manny sounded more like a recording than a human being. Though something was off.

No eye contact.

No emotion.

Fidgeting.

Yeah, something was definitely off. If Snake was really sick, Spike would have called. There was no point in sending Manny all the way to Hamilton, Ontario, Canada- though it was pretty close to Toronto compared to Vancouver where Emma originally wanted to move to- to tell her such a trivial thing. And Emma's maternal instincts picked up on it instantly.

Manny, however, kept with her story. Come to Toronto because your father is sick. Jack and Spike needs your comforting. I can watch Kylie. You can stay at my place for a while. But Emma knew that this was either a trap or a cover story. So she accepted the offer only to see where this would go.

The response was well worth it as Manny offered to leave. Emma found it quite rude to throw a guest out, especially a friend, but rather relieving when Manny kicked herself out. Emma, herself, went to do the one thing she hated doing. An update to the man of her life.

"Are you writing to Daddy again?" Kylie asked, slipping beneath Emma's arm in an attempt to get a better view of the letter. Though she was no where near literate yet.

Yet.

"Yes." was Emma's simple reply. She wrote the letter like always, knowing that he would never reply. He had replied a total of ten times. The last time was the ending of an argument. Or at least, she hoped it was.

Dear Sean,

Kylie is growing up with or without you. I know I was wrong for never saying a word about her until last year, but you needed to know. Like I said, her first word was "Daddy". I'm returning to Toronto for a while, though by the time you receive this message, I'll probably be back in Hamilton. There are some things that I want you to know though.

First off, I still love you. Even if you might forever hate my gut, I will always love you. And if you would give me a chance, I can make it right. You'll return and we'll be a family. Kylie would love that and so would I.

Secondly, Kylie reminds me a lot of you. The other day she was playing at the park when she scraped her knee on the playground. Of course you can already imagine that I overreacted, but she just got up, brushed herself off, and continued playing. At one point of time, that would have been me. But not, it's not. I'm… Well, let's just say that I've been better, mentally and emotionally. Plus, she is an avid meat-eater!

Finally, Snake is sick and if this is his final days here, I thought that his favorite student should be there with him with the rest of his family. Now, I know you may think that Snake could have favored Toby more (the guy was a computer genius you know) but he didn't. It was you. It was always you.

The last time you replied, you said that everything will be different and that you would never forgive me. Has that changed? Like I said, I am willing to live without you, but I want the honest truth. So tell me soon. Am I waiting around for the love of my life or just the father of my daughter? For years, I haven't come up with that answer and now, I'm starting to see no end to it. Please reply.

Love,

Emma and Kylie Nelson

Emma read the letter over and over until she was finally done reading it. When Kylie asked what she wrote, she did the usual lie. Asked how he was doing- which she had forgotten to do, and told him how big Kylie had grown, and asked him to come home safely. It was not a total lie, since she did say how Kylie had grown. And in about three to five weeks, she should have a response.

"Em, are you hungry?"

For the sixth consecutive time in the last minute, Emma declined the offer. It was a setup. Manny wanted to throw Emma a surprise birthday party. Strange enough, both Emma and Kylie had forgotten Emma's birthday, the former being too busy and the latter being a toddler. Kylie could only remember Christmas and her birthday, not Emma's.

But the trip was not all bad. Kylie had gotten to play with her uncle, Jack, and Emma had gotten her chance to get a decent nap in. Nevertheless, when laid her head in her former bed, the noises came again. The beeping. The whining. The crying. The shouting. The explosions. But the silence never came. The only sound she looked forward to never came.

And again, Emma could not sleep. Her mind began thinking about Sean. Oh, if he were here how different would things be. Then she thought of another scenario. If she had dated someone else, would she be here? Someone like Damian or- God forbid- Craig. Someone who was actually around when people needed them. She would rather spend the rest of her life with Toby than Sean at the moment. Or did she? Love was complicated and the only friend she had to talk to right now was with Jay. Therefore, Manny's opinion was about as helpful as a cup of water to a drowning victim.

She closed her eyes again. No Toby. No Damian. No Craig. Just Sean. Yeah, she liked that now. Just Sean. He would come home and stop the noises in her head. He usually did. All these noises…these voices…these callings. She wanted them to stop. She wanted it to stop.

And then it did.

And it was so peaceful now. The key word being peace. She now had a better job, bank manager, and Kylie was now in school. Yeah, a lot can happen in two short years. And in those two years, Sean has replied twice. Both times it was for Kylie's birthday. Emma had cut out the part in the letters were he would never forgive her for keeping Kylie a secret whenever she read the notes to the younger girl.

During some down time off of work, Emma idly lied around the house. The silence that she had been so longing for had come. Kylie was at school. Snake and Spike were at home. And Manny…Manny was somewhere alive. Hopefully. She began writing another note to Sean, one that would express all her emotions without the little detective known as Kylie Nelson trying to see what was being written.

Dear Sean,

Hard to believe that after all of that, you're still sore. Grow up! It's not like we're kids anymore and I sure as hell put up with a lot more shit than you have! I can understand that you're mad at me, but send your daughter something else other than a damn Happy Birthday! I know it may be hard with your

She would never get to finish that letter. The phone rang.

It had been clear in the night when he returned. The noises seemed to momentarily stop. Well, all except the knocking on the door. She trudged to the door and opened it to see him standing there. Her breath hitched. Her eyes widened. Her fingers curled. Then she hugged him and he hugged her. The embrace was borderline strangling, but neither cared.

"Where is she?"

"Sleeping."

"Can I-"

"She has school in the morning."

Despite the loving reunion, her voice was very stern and definite about not waking the child up. But she did allow him to see her. He saw everything about her that Emma loved. He did not see that cursed color of blue, however. And then he made his way with Emma to her room.

"I'm sorry." Sean murmured as they lied in her bed.

"Me too." Emma replied.

His voice sounded like monotone gunfire. He smelled of gunpowder and smoke. He felt dry and cold. He looked fatigue. And when she finally kissed him, he tasted like death. All of these things were pushed aside though. She had him and he had her. And yet…

The beeping…

The whining…

The crying…

The shouting…

The explosion…

It all began to play again. It all began to sink into her head. They were more than noises now. They were clear and defined voices. Voices that plagued and taunted her. And she curled into her bed with his arms around her. Knowing that there was only one way to cure her of these voices, he still tried to help.

"Mom!" the twelve-year-old said worriedly. She had seen the note. She had read the note. It was now too much for her. "Mom! Where are you?"

Emma sat in her tub, the water from the showerhead pouring on her. The water beneath her a rose red.

"Mom!" Kylie screamed.

And then there was silence. Or, at least, she thought there was silence. But these voices would not let her leave so easily. Not like he did. One of those voices taunted her even when she was fully aware of her surroundings.

The beeping.

She opened her eyes and saw that godforsaken color again. She never held it against Kylie for having blue eyes, but she no longer wanted to see that color again. And this time, the color made her weak. She had muted out whatever Kylie was trying to tell her, only staring at her daughter. She was Emma Nelson, a fighter, and now here she was in a hospital bed, trying to quit.

"I need you!" Kylie sobbed.

No, you don't. That was what Emma wanted to say, but then realized the truth. Truth was, Kylie did need Emma. It was clear when she was younger that Kylie would cling to Emma to be her support, much like Emma did her own mother at points. She needed to fight on. She needed to stand on her two feet. She needed to become what she used to be.

Now standing on her own, she and her daughter stood at the very same place that caused her breakdown. Her only two regrets were not telling him earlier and not showing Kylie sooner.

"Hi Daddy." Kylie began speaking to the gravesite as if this was normal.

Emma could see tears coming from Kylie's eyes and cringed. She had kept this secret from Kylie, always making up lies and stories about Sean overseas. Truth be told, he had been home for a while. He died in a bombing. Emma did not want to believe that. Her mind would never allow her to think that at all. But Sean Cameron, her life, her heart, her soul, was dead. Or was he?

Emma looked over at Kylie, who was now speaking about her friends in school, a small smile gracing her lips when she spoke about her friends and a boy whom she had a crush on. Kylie's smile was slightly contagious, as Emma smiled. Sean could always run from his problems. Emma never could. And Kylie was like her mother. She would always battle things head on until the very end.

The little boy ran throughout the house happily.

"Scooter! Calm down!"

Emma giggled. Kylie never referred to Sean by his name. Since adopting the two-year-old boy, the three of them had been living rather happy. Well, except when Kylie attempted to do her homework and her brother would intervene.

Things were different now. Kylie, now thirteen, went to Degrassi after Emma moved back to Toronto. Manny and Jay were no more, thankfully. Emma knew that neither of them knew how to have a successful relationship. Jack stopped by every once in a while to talk more to Kylie than he did Emma. Emma did not care though. Kylie and Jack were best friends first and niece and uncle second. And for today, he was her lab partner as they studied the acidity of household products with litmus paper from school. And as for Emma…

She no longer heard the beeping of the hospital.

She no longer heard the whining of Kylie.

She no longer heard the crying of herself.

She no longer heard the shouting of her parents.

She no longer heard the explosions of war.

And even through the loudest nights, she could always hear silence. Oh, how she loved silence.

"It turned blue!" Kylie exclaimed.

Damn. It just had to turn blue.