March 3rd 1854
Thwack, thwack, thwack. The sound of my father's belt against Damon's already scarred skin was terrifying to my young eyes, but it was an all too common sight in our household. Every time Damon did something that Father disapproved of, he received what Father called swift justice. Giuseppe Salvatore always said justice must be done for every sin, and there was no justice without a lot of wailing. Over the years though, Damon's screams became fewer and farther between, until he no longer made a sound at all. I could never figure out if he simply lost all feeling, or if he didn't want to give Father the satisfaction of hearing his screams. It was probably a bit of both. This time I swore it was going to be different. I wouldn't just sit by and watch him hurt. Brothers protect each other. That is what Mother used to say before she passed on. So with a child's courage, I raced up and grabbed Father's arm. I tugged and tugged until he stopped swinging the belt. He simply stared at me with a look of disbelief and disapproval.
Afterwards, Father sent Damon up to his room, and he sat me down to have what he called a serious discussion. "Stefan, you are seven now, and soon enough you will be a young man. Before that happens there are some things that you need to understand. Do you know why I had to hit Damon," my Father asked quietly?
I gave him the only answer I could think of. "He was bad," I answered timidly, somewhat afraid of giving the wrong answer.
"That's right he was bad. Your brother does a lot of bad things. He doesn't obey. He doesn't listen. He doesn't understand the importance of honor and duty." My father kept spouting off every bad thing that he felt Damon had ever done. I wanted to stop him, maybe defend Damon, but the words fell silent on my lips. After a while, I tuned back in to hear my Father say, "the best part of being a little brother is that you get to learn from your brother's mistakes. Damon certainly makes enough mistakes that you can learn from. Do you understand Son?"
This time I knew what the only right answer was, "yes, Father." He dismissed me to go upstairs, and I slowly walked up feeling guiltier with every step for not doing what I set out to do. Protect my big brother.
Present Day
A lot has changed since that night. Our Father is dead, Damon and I are vampires, and in 146 years we haven't acted like the brothers my dear Mother wanted us to be. But that doesn't mean I can't protect my brother now, because I can't watch my brother suffer. The only difference is, this time he is doing the abuse to himself. I see it every time he looks at her, that same pained expression. I've been living with it ever since I came back.
Three Weeks Ago
I dreamt a thousand times of what it would be like to come home again. Klaus is dead and I am finally free, but everything's different now. The first night Elena came to my room as I was settling back in. I could see the apprehension on her face. She didn't want to be here. She didn't want me to be here. As happy as she was that I was okay, I knew that nothing could ever be the same. She would never trust me again. I nearly drove her off a bridge for God sakes. By all rights she should hate me. Whatever love she felt for me was more like a memory than a feeling anymore.
I was the first to speak. I thought I wouldn't burden her by forcing her to struggle for what to say. "It's okay you know. I understand better than you think." I couldn't tell if she was more shocked or relieved by what I said, but after a moment's silence she finally spoke.
"I do love you," she whispered in the most heart breaking, defeated voice I have ever heard.
Four words and I wanted to burst out crying. Tell her how sorry I was, but only two words came out, "I know."
"Four months. Four months I searched for you. I risked my life again and again trying to save you. I put my entire life on hold, and yet that night on the bridge you told me that I gave up on us. How dare you," she screamed. "I wasn't the one who gave up on us. You were. You thought that I couldn't accept you once I saw your worst self. Because of your insecurities and your fears you pushed me away. If you had just come to me the night of homecoming and explained, I would have welcomed you back home. We could have lived our lives again, but once you were given your freedom back, you were obsessed with revenge against Klaus. I understood when you chose your brother's life over our relationship, and I could forgive you choosing him over me. I cannot forgive you choosing revenge over me. You made up your mind a long time ago that our relationship was over. I guess it was easier than accepting the truth. It wasn't Klaus that destroyed us. It was you. You had choices and you made bad ones. "
She finally seemed to be running out of anger. She quietly moved over to my bed and simply sat down. With a troubled sigh she continued, "Damon needs you here. This is still your home. Out of respect for that, I will try to learn to coexist in this town with you. But just so we're clear, you and I are done. You got what you wanted. You got me to let go."
Just as she was about to walk out the door, I found my words again. "I'm sorry. I know it doesn't change anything, but I am. I want you to be happy. I will do whatever I can to make this easier on you and on Damon. I know you two have something going on and . . ."
She quickly interrupted, "No we don't. Damon and I are just friends."
"Elena, it's okay. I'm not mad. I see the way that you've been looking at him. I know that you love him." She looked away as if something far off interested her more than our conversation.
"It's not because I don't want to. It's Damon. He doesn't think it's right given our history. He thinks this is all his fault, because you gave yourself over to Klaus to save him."
"Then, I'm sorry for that too. None of this is Damon's fault."
"It is what is. Damon won't change his mind, and no amount of time will make him forget that you are the one who saved him."
"You should probably go," I finally replied. My heart couldn't bear another second of this torment. Hurt, frustrated, and angry Elena wandered out of my door likely never to enter it again.
Present Day
Even after she left, the pain didn't leave me. For weeks, my dreams haunted me with memories of happy days with Elena. I gave myself three weeks to feel like crap about my life and my choices, before I decided that I had to let go too. My past with Elena was just that in the past. Nothing would ever bring it back. That thought still hurt me, but it no longer consumed me. It was too late for me, but it wasn't too late for Damon. I walked in on another one of Damon and Elena's 'moments.' I didn't understand how they could come so close and not kiss, but Elena was right about Damon's determination to stay away from her. He wasn't doing a very good job, but he was clearly trying.
Elena left quietly, and I don't know what happened after that, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I snapped. The same way I had when I was seven. I would not sit by and watch him get hurt anymore, so I blurted out the first thing that I thought of, "you're an idiot. You know that."
"Excuse me," he replied.
"You heard me you're an idiot, and you're a coward. I should know because I was a coward too. But I will be damned if you are going to use me as an excuse."
"I don't know if this is a reaction to blood withdrawals, but clearly you are off your rocker, brother. You would be wise not to call me a coward again," he warned.
"I'm not crazy, and I 'm not wrong. Elena told me that she wants to be with you, but you said no. The girl of your dreams tells you how she feels and you say no. If that isn't insanity, than I don't know what is."
"It's not that simple. You have no idea why I've done the things I've done." He was screaming now. I knew I was finally starting to get to him.
"I do know. She told me that you blame yourself for what happened to me, but it wasn't your fault. You didn't make me go with Klaus. You didn't ask me to save you. I did that, and I would do it again, but that isn't why you told Elena no."
"It isn't. Well enlighten me, why did I let her go?"
"For the same reason I did, because you were scared." I could see a flicker of something on Damon's face, but it was gone as soon as it came, and he started yelling again.
"If you are such an expert than tell me what I am afraid of?"
"You're afraid that if you let her in and she sees the worst parts of your nature that she will reject you. You're afraid she's just like everyone else who ever told you that you weren't good enough or worthy enough. You're afraid she will forget all the terrible things that I did to her and run back to me. But mostly you're afraid that everyone else was right and that she deserves better than you. You're wrong Damon. Father, Katherine, Caroline, Bonnie, and Alaric, they were wrong too. Everyone else may be fooled, but I know who you really are. You were always the better man. You maybe don't always act like it, but deep down you were always better than me. You just needed someone else to believe it too. Father told me once that I could learn a lot from your mistakes. But as we were growing up you taught me a different lesson. You taught me what it meant to be a good man. You taught me the importance of strength and loyalty. You pulled me back from the brink and helped me reclaim my humanity. For that I owe you everything, so consider this a small kindness in return. Don't make my mistakes. Don't be so afraid of getting hurt that you push away the one person who matters most. I won't let you be miserable for me. I won't let you use me as your excuse. You need to try to be happy. She loves you, more than you will ever know. Be good to each other, try, for me."
I don't know how long Damon sat in stunned silence, but when he finally spoke he only whispered three words. In this case, three words were enough.
"I love you"
I repeated his sentiment in a state of shock. My brother still loved me. After everything that was what mattered most. Lexi was right. Love was the point. I gave him a pat on the shoulder before I retired to my room.
The next day I saw him he was grinning from ear to ear with Elena on his arm. A genuine smile on Damon's face was more beautiful than all of the marvels that I have seen in this world. I knew that last night had gone well. They were together at last. My brother was happy at last. I realize now that I was part of an epic love story. It just wasn't mine. Before I could return to my room, Damon stopped me. He grabbed me in what was our first hug in 146 years, and he said, "Thank you truly for last night. I was being an idiot, but you're the idiot now, Brother."
Before I could ask him what he meant, I heard a knock at the door. I went to answer it and Damon caught my arm and whispered, "It was never really over. I think you know that." I opened the door only to see Katherine smiling back at me. When I saw her, my breath caught in my throat. I lost all ability to speak. I knew then that Damon was right. It was never over between us. We had just been afraid of what that meant. Even with her grand declarations of love, she was still the one who ran first. I was just the one who kept running. I was the idiot now. Without words, she closed the distance between us. Before I could regain my composure, I realized I was in her arms again. It was if no time had passed. For the first time in a long while, I felt at peace. When we broke apart, I saw that we had an audience. Elena and Damon were both smiling. She was actually happy for me. She whispered, maybe only to herself, "as it should be."
I looked back at Damon and thanked him for seeing what I couldn't. He only replied, "brothers protect each other, even from themselves."