On her twisted path to love
Heidi tried to shrink herself against the bathroom door, keeping as much distance between herself and her "father". He yelled out profanities at the locked door, emphasizing every other word with a slam of his fist.
"You goddamned nigger child! I'll teach you! Wasteful little bitch! Always drink the milk after the cereal! Always!"
Heidi tugged on the corner of her stuffed rabbit's ear. It was threadbare, hanging on by the thinnest of strings, evidence of the many nights she had to tiptoe around her father. She shut her eyes, forcing her tears to trickle more slowly, having less room to free themselves. She hiccupped and the man outside the door drew in a breath to rage some more at the sound.
"You'd better not be pissing and moaning in there, so help me! You're a bad nigger, always sneaking around!
His voice suddenly stopped and there were the sounds of several deep breaths being taken outside the bathroom door. Heidi's breath caught in her chest as she listened hard.
Half an hour passed. One hour. Two hours.
"Maybe he went away…" She thought in all the naïveté of her age.
She waited a few more minutes, planning to wait until her mother got home when her stomach growled loudly, startling her for a second. Her last meal had been breakfast this morning and it was now close to dinnertime. Inside, a battle of fear vs. hunger played out. She glanced again at the door, fearful that her father was waiting around the corner.
Finally, after minutes of hunger beating back fear, Heidi tiptoed her way to the door, slowly unlocked it as to avoid the faint click, and cautiously stuck her head out. She clutched her rabbit in front of her in case she had to hide behind him.
Right side. Nothing.
Left side. Nothing.
She looked straight ahead and saw that Rich Marshall, alias, daddy dearest, snoozed quietly in his big armchair, a bottle of the good stuff in danger of falling from his slack grip. She studied him for a second as one would study a sleeping dragon, ever anxious that it might awake.
Her heartbeat was loud in her ears before she took that first step. She winced as the floorboard squeaked under her weight. Her eyes grew wide and shot up to see if Rich had stirred. He shifted a little, but quickly fell back into his slumber, as oblivious to the world as ever.
Heidi quickly made her way down the stairs to the kitchen, only one food on her mind. Oreos. And milk. Her mouth watered as she thought of the sugary softness of the drenched cookie.
She rooted around in the cupboard and pulled out the packet. After quietly opening the package, she bit into one of the sweet delights. Chocolate flooded her mouth and she truly believed that the hell she would catch was worth it.
She stopped chewing to listen hard for any signs of a waking bear from upstairs. Hearing nothing, she pulled down a cup and poured herself a giant glass of milk. Dunking a cookie inside, she waited the mandatory ten seconds before stuffing the whole thing in her mouth. She chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed, losing herself to the feeling of her stomach filling up and the sweetness of the treasure in her mouth.
She didn't even hear the bear creeping down the stairs. The only thing that might've saved her was the mirror, and even that didn't work.
She glanced up at the strangely placed mirror and had to take a double take when she saw her father's back in the mirror. He was coming downstairs!
She dashed back to the cupboard, throwing the package of Oreos inside, before spinning back to the very full glass of milk on the table.
But before Heidi could even touch the glass, she felt large, meaty hands wrap around the base of her neck, filling her with the icy touch of fear.
When he spoke, his voice was slurred and hard.
"So you can't drink the milk after the cereal, but you'll be a fucking pig with it later?!" His mouth worked several times, but no words came out.
"Look at it all there! What if—what if your brother was choking or something!? Just like a fucking nigger, always thinking about you!"
Heidi was thrown against the wall, her head connecting with it painfully. She cried out and the big man rumbled in fury.
"Don't you ever scream at me, you worthless piece of shit!"
Tears coursed down Heidi's cheeks, carving clean trails in the dirt that had covered her face from two nights ago. Daddy dearest hadn't let her bathe.
"She's dark enough that even an extra inch of dirt won't change that color!" He had chortled.
Her eyes burned then and they burned now too. Why couldn't he love her? All she wanted, all she needed was a daddy. Someone to swing her up onto their shoulders and play horsy with. Someone to whisper secrets too where mommy couldn't hear, but then telling her later anyways.
Her breath came in hiccups and hitches as she stared at the floor. Rich's voice barreled in the room, but she didn't hear him.
"Well, do you!? Answer me, you black bitch!"
He started forwards, fists clenching and unclenching rapidly.
"What do you want?! Why can't you love me?! I wanna daddy too!"
Silence pervaded the room, the kind of silence that always marked the unveiling of something profound in the movies. Her hiccupped breath even seemed to stop too.
But this was real life, not the movies. And unfortunately, the sad little girls do not win against the monsters.
Her cheek stung and it took her a second to realize that she had just been slapped, the red handprint showing up blazing even against the soft, dark skin of her face. It hurt, but no tears came, none flowed. Maybe she had none left.
Rich's voice abruptly lost his slur, and she knew that he was fully aware of what he was saying. He took her arm gently, a cruel mockery of lovingly, and stroked the skin there. His voice was full, and the three little words he spoke made her mouth go round in surprise that something could be done. She knew she would try too.
Pointing at the dark, rich chocolate of her skin, so much like the milk after Oreos, he whispered, "Wash it off."
I stood on the box that Georgia had placed on the floor close up to the sink so I could reach. I had almost run out of the bathroom thanking her for the Brillo pad that I had found underneath the sink. But I had to see first.
I stared out into space as I rubbed the Brillo pad over my skin absentmindedly. The roughness on my skin was soothing, causing a few goose bumps to rise on my arm.
Now daddy would love me. I know that Daddy wouldn't have hurt me if I hadn't deserved it. Now I could watch the whole scene without tearing up. Daddy did what he had to do. Now I'll do what I have to do to get him to love me.
I'd be perfect and nice and pretty and lovely with all this icky black off of me. And then I could how TJ! I bet he wants all the nasty black off him too, so he doesn't have to be a dirty nigger anymore. I know he would like that.
And then he could love me too! We'll be the two best looking people around, once all the dirty black was off our skin, so we could be as white as the cream in the Oreos!
I shivered at the thought and looked down at my arm. Red water flowed out, but I wasn't worried. Underneath all that red was the clean white Daddy had always wanted. I smiled bright, my skin around my mouth stretching tight. This is what I wanted.
I looked down at my body. There was just too much for me to do on my own. Maybe TJ and even Georgia could get more Brillo pads and help scrub me down.
I turned the handle on the door and stepped out, holding up my arm in a grand fashion, while holding the Brillo pad in the other.
"Georgia! TJ! Look! It worked!"