A Different Perspective
Disclaimer: Obviously, if I owned Degrassi this would be on television instead of the internet, but draw your own conclusions.
AN: Alright, I can't seem to help myself here. I'm hopelessly addicted to Semma stories. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel; no other, less introspective couples that interest me. So here we go again.
This one appeared in my brain because Emma is just as attached to Sean as Sean is to her, but we only ever really see his reaction to her attempts to move on. Emma's not an emotional robot, obviously, so it makes sense to me that she might feel insecure about Ellie, Sean's only other serious romance.
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I hate doing favors. I really hate doing favors where I can't politely ask for repayment, and this most definitely qualifies as one for the record books.
Stupid Biology assignment.
Alex and I had been paired together for a group report that had gone surprisingly well, for the most part. It turns out that hanging with Paige had softened her up to the point where she wasn't unbearable to be around.
That was, until she got the flu and simultaneously came down with a case of extreme paranoia.
It turns out that Alex's new-found studious attitude requires her to personally review every assignment before it gets turned in, and this particular project includes a poster—which I was apparently incapable of completing satisfactorily without the Alex seal of approval.
So here I stand, on the doorstep of the house just off the north side campus of Toronto University, where apparently nearly everyone who graduated last year is currently either living or squatting until something better comes along.
According to a strained explanation given by Alex over the phone yesterday afternoon, the brunette former bad girl is staying with Paige to recuperate from the flu, because it was more restful than her apartment with her mother. That was all the information it looked like I was going to get, until Paige took the phone from her and gently explained that Alex was a little cranky when she was sick, and it would be a big help for everyone if I could run the project by the house to make her feel better.
If Alex was ever frightening, Paige was a hundred times worse. She has a way of making you feel like if you didn't honor her request (no matter how inconvenient it may be), you are the most horrible person on Earth. And there was really no getting over it if you said no—just ask Ashley Kerwin.
Which brings me to this doorstep. This doorstep that partially belongs to the girl that makes me the most uncomfortable in the entire universe.
Not Alex, and not Paige.
Ellie Nash remains the only other person I can ever imagine Sean with. They seemed to fit, better than he and I ever seemed to, on paper; and I know that sometimes easy compatibility is not something Sean and I have going for us.
I know Sean loves me. He tells me every day. He tells me in all sorts of ways—verbally, when he smiles at me, when he signs every damn one of my petitions, no matter what the issue is, when he sees I'm upset without having to ask and just knows how to make it better.
So yes, I understand that Sean loves me.
But I also understand that Sean probably also loved Ellie at some point.
It really shouldn't bother me. After all, it's not like I remained pure as the driven snow while apart from him, ether. But I certainly hadn't loved Chris, or Jay, not even Peter. In fact I hadn't even come close to loving any of them.
But Sean had certainly come close, if not gone ahead and fallen head over heels in love with this girl.
So yes, Ellie Nash makes me nervous. Which explains quite nicely why I am standing on the doorstep instead of ringing the bell and coming in out of the freezing Toronto weather.
Only the naggling reminder that I had borrowed Sean's car to drive the half hour here and I would be late to pick him up from work if I didn't get a move on got me to press the doorbell.
The doorbell echoed into the house and I shiver. In my already jumpy mind the echo sounds eerie.
The door opens and Paige Michaelchuck stands in front of me, looking to all the world as if she hadn't slept in a week.
"Oh, thank God you're here. Alex has been driving us all crazy." She lets me in and takes the poster and report from my hands. "I'll be right back, hun. Just make yourself comfortable while I take this to her."
I nod quickly and walk to the living room where she pointed me on her way up the stairs.
"Oh, hello." The voice comes out of nowhere and makes me jump.
"Oh, uh, Ellie. You scared me."
"Sorry." She pauses, looking at me curiously. Meanwhile I'm standing, petrified, in the middle of their living room. "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but, well, what are you doing here?" I physically jerk at the question and I'm screaming at myself in my head to stop being so weird—I'm such a spaz.
"Um, Alex…biology project, well, um, she's sick, and well, I brought it, and…" I trail off when I realize that I just made no sense at all.
"Do I make you nervous, Emma?" her voice didn't sound spazzy at all. God, I wish I could do that right now.
"No. Yes. I mean, sort of." Good, Emma, that made perfect sense. Try again. "Well, you know…" She's looking at me like I've grown an extra head. "O.k., yes, you make me nervous, O.k.? Actually, I'm terrified of you." I sit on the couch and unbutton my coat as I go for broke. I put my hands over my face and wait for the earth to open up and swallow me whole.
"Gosh, well, o.k." Ellie sighs in front of me and I hear her sit in the chair beside me. "Can I ask why?"
"You and Sean." My answer is simple, but it brings up what I know is a complicated topic.
"Oh, well." She sounds uncomfortable now.
"Oh God, I'm sorry. I really didn't want to bring this up. I'm sorry I did. Just forget it." I'm back pedaling like a circus performer and I'm not really sure why, after all, didn't I just want her to be as uncomfortable as me?
"No, no, don't. I don't mind. Actually, I'm told you and I are a lot alike and well, I think we could be friends if we, you know, clear the air a little." I look at her and she seems sincere. I nod shakily. This day could not get any weirder.
Honestly, never in a million years did I think that I would be sitting in Ellie Nash's living room and 'clearing the air'.
"Well, I think the first thing you should know is that to Sean, you and he were never really over." I jerk at that.
"W-w-what?"
"Even when we were together, he would watch you. Like he wanted to make sure you were o.k."
This revelation, though not exactly shocking given Sean's nature, is still odd. Particularly that Sean would be so un-subtle about it that his girlfriend would know about this particular habit.
"Well, he does that to you, too." Really, he does. Won't hear a word against her, and it's just the way he is.
"No he doesn't. Does he worry that I'm not eating enough, that my parents aren't o.k., that I'm not happy? Sean may not have given up the 'protect Ellie' badge he wears, but he doesn't worry about me the way he worried about you." Her tone doesn't sound bitter, only matter-of-fact, like she's made her peace with the situation a long time ago.
"You and he lived together, and, well, I know he talked to you—"I trail off. It's a weak argument in light of the information Ellie's just given me, but it's all I have.
"Sean's and my relationship was different than yours, Emma." I nod, because I already know this. No one's relationship is like ours.
"Ours was about need." At my slightly confused look, she takes a deep breath. "What do you know about what was going on with Sean then?"
"I know he was having trouble in school when we broke up, and I know Tracker left for Montreal then. He first started student welfare around then, too." Ellie nods.
"Right. Well, for Sean, he just needed to know that he could do something right, you know?" I nod hesitantly. I do know. He's always had the worst self esteem—if one thing goes wrong it's like he loses concentration or something and a lot of other things end up falling apart, too. He has these moods where he's convinced that he can't do anything right at all.
"I get that he wanted to do something right, but I don't understand what that really had to do with you." I've just decided to go with the same honest tone Ellie's using—it seems to be working for her, and what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
"I needed someone to take care of me, then. I was having a tough time at home, and well, Sean figured that at the very least he could probably do the relationship thing right." I nod again. Sean had always been pretty good at the relationship thing—it was the other stuff he wasn't always so good at. He never really had a problem giving me what I wanted—showing up when I needed him, knowing how to comfort me, just generally doing the boyfriend thing was never the issue. Only when I started to need more than just a good boyfriend did we really start having problems.
Now, I know that the other stuff, the more-than-a-boyfriend stuff, can be found in other people. I don't need Sean to have all the same interests as me, I have Manny for that. I don't need him to be able to joke about the hard tests or papers I've just written, I have Toby for that. I need someone to be there when I want to rant. I need someone to make me feel warm and melty inside with just a look. I need someone to help me feel like I can conquer the whole world if only I just try.
Ellie notes that I understand that Sean has always managed to be good at the relationship thing.
"And, well, Sean and I gave each other what we needed at the time. It wasn't really all that deep and we both knew it wasn't going to last forever. We were best friends more than anything else." I nod slowly, but Ellie's not done.
"Even now, I have his number in my phone, and he has mine. If I need him, or if he needs me, then we're only a phone call away."
"So after the shooting…" Ellie looks away.
"After the shooting, I wasn't what Sean needed anymore, and he wasn't what I needed either."
"What do you mean?" I'm genuinely curious at this point.
"Seeing that gun pointed at you took a lot out of him…" seeing my look, she rushed to clarify. "He told me what happened afterwards. Honestly, Emma, how you didn't figure it out then that he was still so far in love with you he could barely stand it, I don't know…"
"I was having a few issues of my own, at that point." I break into her tirade and she focuses on me again.
"Right, sorry. Anyway, the point was that after the shooting our needs kinda shifted. Sean didn't need to prove he could do something right anymore, now he was the one that needed to be taken care of. I needed to take care of myself again, prove to myself that I could be o.k. on my own."
"He won't let me take care of him, you know. Absolutely refuses to let me do anything to help him. Nearly had to tie him down to let me bring him some tea last week when he had a horrible cold."
"Figures. The boy won't let anyone take care of him, even when he needs it. Why do you think he went back to Wasaga? He didn't want anyone to see him when he needed help." What she's saying makes sense, but something's still bugging me.
"I get it, I really do, but can I just ask, how did you…" I trail off, puzzled at how to ask this question when I know it's going to sound petty and childish.
"Get him to talk?" I must look startled at her correct guess, because she chuckles softly. "I noticed pretty early on that you guys didn't talk as much as we did. Process of elimination, really," She explained.
"So, how did you? What's you secret? We've been dating off and on for nearly six years and I have absolutely no idea how you did it." The question had sounded whiny and petty in my head, but now that she's put it out in the open, I feel much more comfortable, like I'm dishing with Manny over cute boys in the cafeteria—no pressure at all.
"Honestly? We talked because otherwise we'd have no idea what the other was thinking. We didn't do that too-cute-for-words non-verbal communication thing you guys do. Really, though, you guys are lucky. I think Sean is much more comfortable just being understood, rather than trying to make himself be understood." The last part of her explanation is delivered in a wistful tone and I get the impression that Ellie wishes she had that herself.
"I get it. But, really, if you want to know the truth, the too-cute-for-words thing? Sometimes it's more trouble than it's worth. It drives Manny up the wall, for instance." I give her a conspiratorial smile at that and she grins back.
"Well, I suppose the wonder-couple can't have it all." She smiles sincerely and I feel truly comfortable with her for the first time since I walked in the door.
"Alright, hun, here's the report and the poster. She's done reading it, so you can get off to whatever you were doing before Miss Paranoid made you schlep all the way over here." Paige's announcement brings me out of my reverie and I stand with Ellie. "Oh, good, Ellie, you're here. I need you to run out for more crackers and cold medicine." I look between them and see that Ellie raises her eyebrow in question.
"Or you can stay here with little miss sunshine, if you'd rather." Her sweet tone didn't hide the fact that she was delivering an ultimatum. Ellie nodded.
"I'm gone. See you later, Emma." I smile a little at her quick exit. Apparently Alex is more than 'a little cranky' when sick.
I take the poster and report from Paige and head to my car, waving at her standing in the doorway.
She smiles wearily and I drive off towards home.
Later, as I pull up to the garage and Sean smiles at me and waves goodbye to Jay as he gets in the car, I go back over what Ellie said about how they used to fit together.
"What are you thinking about?" His question is quiet and I know he genuinely wants to know.
"Oh, I had a nice conversation with Ellie Nash this afternoon."
"Really?" He looks at me warily. "What did you talk about?"
"Oh, just you, actually." He looks vaguely alarmed at this and turns to face me completely.
"What about me?"
"Oh, just compared notes on your make-out style, how clean your apartment was and is now, you know, the basics…" I've stopped at a red light and he pulls my face over for a kiss. He pulls away and I start moving again.
"Seriously, what did you guys talk about?"
"Honestly, Sean, it was just girl stuff. Nothing for you to worry about."
He nods and I smile. I'm glad I ran into Ellie this afternoon. I feel much better now, about why we're together and how we fit. It also helps to know that someone else understands Sean almost as well as I do, so if I get into trouble she can help me figure it out.
I look over at him and he's fiddling with the zipper on his jacket. I decide that I'm glad he had Ellie when I couldn't be there for him.
He notices my staring and smiles at me. I smile back and the world closes in on us, leaving us together in this moment and without interruption. I round the corner to my house and park the car. I get out and meet Sean at the front of the hood for a goodbye kiss.
When we pull back I look into his eyes and I can see he loves me, and know from Ellie this afternoon that he probably always has.
I can't resist and kiss him again, quickly.
"What was that for?" He asks with his eyes still closed.
"Just because I felt like it." He opens his eyes to look at me.
"Well, feel like it any time," his quip makes me giggle and he smiles again, letting me go.
He rounds the car to the driver's seat and waves as he backs up out of the driveway.
I grin and wave back, because he's mine.