Guilt, Hotch has learned, is the most effective tool at eating a man alive. This is why he pulls off to the side of the road while driving himself and Morgan home, once he convinced Morgan to surrender the keys.
"Hotch? You okay?" Morgan asks, studying Hotch with concern.
"I want to talk to you," Hotch says, his tone measured. His ear throbs in protest at the sound of his own voice, but Hotch perseveres. "I want to talk to you about this case. About your actions-" Hotch puts up a hand to silence the protests from Morgan. "Hear me out."
Morgan nods, but there is a discouragement about him that Hotch hasn't noticed before.
"I told you your actions were reckless. I told you they were the actions of someone who doesn't fully trust his team. What I didn't tell you… What I should have told you…is that I remember how that feels. The situation in the field was not your fault. Do you hear me?"
"Yes," Morgan affirms. He swallows once.
"Don't react. Just act."
"I thought I was," Morgan counters, irritation a spark in his eyes.
Hotch knows viscerally, what it's like to blame oneself for every choice - his own and those of others - and he knows just how counteractive that is. It has taken years of experience, of trial and error, to understand that he cannot realistically bear the weight of every person's burdens.
"To react implies something was done to us," Hotch explains patiently. "To act is simply to take responsibility and do something - to do the right thing." He pauses. "I don't hide the scars I have…" he continues carefully, "because they no longer make me sad."
"What?" Morgan asks, no doubt wondering whether or not Hotch suffered some kind of head injury in the blast.
"I don't hide them," Hotch continues, "I wear them proudly, because they mean I survived." He pauses briefly. "We all have things. Moments in our lives we wish to take back. Or moments where we simply wish we would have done something, anything, differently. There were many times growing up, where something I said meant punishment for someone else. My father was a very temperamental man. And then, there were moments where I injected myself into a situation, and took the brunt of his anger. Moments where I put myself in danger because I felt I had no choice." He takes a deep breath. "My point is, don't make my mistakes, Morgan. Let yourself off the hook. You're a good agent, and a good man."
"Thank you," Morgan nods, this time with more confidence. Hotch can see his words have struck a chord.
He begins to pull back out into traffic, taking more time than usual to scan for traffic, especially on his injured side.
"Hotch?"
"Yes?"
"I wouldn't have done anything differently. Now, whether that's guilt or whether that's bravery, I don't know." Morgan adjusts the strap of the seatbelt against his shoulder.
"I know," Hotch affirms.
The End.