Summary: Those bad, bad girls who brought you The Pink Tutu Party and The Leather Pants Party proudly (and perhaps wrongly) bring you yet another sequel. People get drunk, Snape wears a pink dress, hot Scottish actors become love slaves, and Raven kills Nicole Kidman. Oh, and let's not forget the rabid ferrets.
Author's Note, Disclaimer, and Pointless Plea for the Angry Mobs to Stay Away: we are so going to hell for writing this… We would all just like to apologize in advance. This is crass, tasteless humour, and we insult pretty much everyone. It's all done for a cheap laugh, though, so put away the pitchfork and eat some prunes.
Somewhat of a Harry Potter Story…But Not Reallya.k.a. Revenge of the Rabid Ferrets
by Raven Willow, Fox Goddess and Angel
Angel: I hate sociology! This is boring… I want to have another party!
Raven: I think I can tell where this is going.
[Angel grins]
R: And just whom does Angel want me to bring first?
A: …Draco.
R: Figures…OK. *poof* hiya Draco.
A: [jumping up & down] Yay! Raven rules!
R: Oh yes, I know. And now you shall love me more. *snap*
Draco: Aah! Ferrets! Get it off!
A: Hey! …Ah well. Can I put the ferrets in pink dresses?
R: Yes… just as long as I can teach them ballet.
A: No, ferrets in pink dresses play hockey!
R: Hockey sucks! …They can play football [A/N: referring to European football here, not American.]
A: Aww, all right. Shall we teach Draco as well? He'll need to wear the pink uniform, though.
[evil grins from both]
R: OK… *poof*
Draco: AAAAAHHHH!!! [runs away]
A: Hey, come back! Pink isn't that bad! Hmmm… I think we need another vict- friend to play with… unless you can get Draco in a pink dress.
R: I have an idea. Hey Draco! I have a nice martini for you!!! [aside] hehehe…
Draco: Oooh, martini! *gulp* [slurring] What did you put in this… *thump*
R: Hehe, I put some horse tranquillisers in his drink. Now, let's get him into that pink dress!
A: Excellent! Now, how about another one? Someone who looks good in pink.
R: I have just the person. *poof*
Snape: …I hate you. [shudders]
A: If he hates us that much, should we introduce him to the fancy ferrets?
Snape: Ferrets? I like ferrets. They're so cute and fluffy and soft and… uh…er… ten points from Gryffindor!
[blank stares]
A: D'you think this means he'll like our ferrets?
R: I think maybe he'll just like the pink dresses [winks]
Snape: Are you suggesting I'm a queer?
R: Oh, I'm not suggesting it – I'm outright saying it!
A: Couldn't agree more! Snape's a greasy queer!
R: QUEER! QUEER! AHAHAHA!!!
Snape: Stop it! I hate you! [sobs] [runs away]
R: Hey, wait! …he's still got our pink dress…
A: Hey Raven… what would you think of a drunk Sean Biggerstaff [Oliver Wood from the HP movie] in a pink dress? And could you wake up Draco for me?
R: Nah, Sean needs black leather. More sexy. [walks over to Draco, who is passed out behind a garbage can. Pulls out a mallet.]
A: [squeals] No! If you do that I'll put Sean in a pink dress!
R: [smacks Angel with the mallet] DON'T YOU EVER, EVER EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THAT TO SEAN!!
A: Ack! OK, we'll play fair. You stop beating on Draco, and I won't put Sean in a pink dress.
R: …Can he still be my love slave?
*poof*
A: One Sean in black leather. Here's your chains and whip.
R: Hey, I'm kinky, but not that kinky. Here, take back the chains and whip… and give me… *poof* Ewan McGregor!
A: Hey, cheater. He's not a Harry Potter character.
R: Neither is Sean, technically.
A: But he was in the movie! Come on, stretch the rules a little.
R: OK, but as long as we're including movie actors, we can include Ewan. Besides, he's Scottish, Sean's Scottish… Oh, screw it! He's sexy and I'm keeping him!
A: Does that mean I can have Heath Ledger, too?
R: No, because Heath isn't from the UK! You can have, uh… Sean Connery! *poof*
A: Eew, he's old! Un-poof him.
R: Well, I'm running out of hot Scottish people! Maybe I'll just move to hot Brits. *poof* Here, have Orlando Bloom.
A: Wohoo! Can I keep him? [running around and jumping up & down]
R: Hey! For no apparent reason, here's our friend Fox Goddess!
Fox: Woah… [reads over script] You guys are weird. Hey… there's no alcohol!
A: Sure there is, the party's just not in full swing yet… Raven put tranquilizers in Draco's martini, though.
[Harry Potter, the resident drunk in these stories, comes stumbling in]
Harry: [slurring and drooling badly] Did shhhhomeone shhhhay boooozshhhe?
A: Uh-oh, here comes trouble in a pretty package
Draco: [eyeing Harry] very pretty…
F: [smacks Draco] Hey, Harry's not in uniform!
R: *snap*
Harry: Aah! Not again! Get it off!
Snape: [leaping across the room] Come! Let us dance like children of the night!
A: Oh dear, we're gonna have some interesting happenings with Snape dancing in a pink dress… hehe
F: [shudders] Wash your hair! That's it…Raven, poof me in my boys!
R: *poof*
F: Sirius and Remus are mine! [hugs them protectively]
Sirius: mmmrrrmmmppphhh [gargles]
Remus: can't… breathe… [turns blue]
[Fox releases both]
[Meanwhile, Raven tackles Ewan and drags him into a dark corner, Sean in tow.]
A: Hey Raven, Orlando's not wearing his special uniform! He's special, so he can have blue… please? [innocent smile]
R: Sigh… *snap* Now, if you'll excuse me… [goes back to her corner]
A: Yeah! Prrrow! [drags Orlando over to a couch]
F: Ew, Angel – not in front of everyone!
Orlando: Yeah, Angel, not in front of me!
A: WHAT?! [smacks them all] Well, I don't care what you think! …I'll just make your leash shorter
R: Hey, don't be mean! *poof* Hah, Orlando's gone! That's what you get.
A: Yeah, well I'm gonna un-poof him!
R: NOBODY poofs but Raven!!
A: [sniffles] Please? I'll be good, I promise!
R: …No, I do not trust you with the poofing power.
A: But you could poof him…
R: That depends. What will you do for me?
A: …almost anything?
R: OK, *poof* Here's Orlando back, but play nice. No leashes.
A: Yay!
F: [sniffles] I want Elijah Wood, but he's not British… [glares at Remus, who is sneaking off] And just where do you think you're going?
[Remus squeals and cowers behind Sirius]
F: Awww, they're so cute together! [takes an entire roll of film]
R: Hey… wait… where's my Ewan? [looks around] [starts sobbing] SOMEBODY STOLE MY EWAN!!!
F: [sighs] No, he's over there with Nicole Kidman. [gives Raven a shotgun & pats her on the head] There you go.
R: [nods] It's ass-whuppin' time. [cocks gun] HEY, WENCH! LEGGO MY EWAN!
A: [chanting] Kill Kidman! Kill Kidman!
F: *poof* Here's Aragorn. Now Orlando can be happy, too!
A: ack!
R: [gags] Oooh, no. No gay sex unless the guys involved are hot! Now, if Ewan and Sean here started having sex… hey, get back here! I was only kidding! …I would be involved! Then it wouldn't be entirely gay sex!
F: Angel, I think she just insulted Orlando…[seeks shelter]
R: [cocks shotgun] Bring it, bitch!
A: Look what you started!
R: [manic, evil laughter] There will be no stopping me now!!
Remus: She's possessed!
Sirius: She's evil!
Satan: Oh no, you're not pinning this one on me! It's all her fault! [points at Nicole Kidman]
R: Are you still here? *blam!*
Ewan: Yay!
Sean: Great… And I suppose I will be mopping up her brain matter.
Satan: I'll make you a deal. You sell me your soul, and I'll clean up the brain matter.
F: Can I sell my soul to make the Harry Potter characters real?
A: I'm with her on that! I'll trade for Draco
R: But Angel, you don't have a soul.
A: …good point. That might make negotiations a little harder.
Satan: Say…you look familiar somehow…Is Kim your mother?
A: DADDY!! [they hug]
F: But I thought she was the anti-Christ…
Jesus: Well, that too…
A: HEY!!
F: Well, me, God and Jesus are going to the movies. Let's see the Four Feathers.
Jesus: With Heath Ledger? All right!
F: [aside] Psst, God, how much do we know about Jesus?
R: If you ask me, he's a little iffy… Hey, God, we're going to hell for writing this story, aren't we?
Satan: Don't you dare, God! I'm not spending an eternity with THEM!
A: What about me, Daddy? [smiles innocently]
Satan: [pats head] No, honey. You can stay on earth and torment the heathens.
A: Hooray!
F: Hey God, can you have sex in heaven? 'Cause otherwise I'm going the other way.
R: Yeah, I'm with her on that.
God: Well, it is heaven…
All: Yay!
Jesus: I want Heath Ledger!
F: [shoves a YM magazine at him] Here, half of it are probably pictures of him. I don't have any money to see a movie.
Satan: You know, you could always sell me your soul…
A: No, you can't have it! I have it in a little jar at home.
F: No you don't, Sirius stole it while you weren't looking.
A: Fine then, but you don't know where to find it!
[Raven disappears for a minute.]
R: Got it! Here you go.
Sirius: Hey! How did you…?
R: You really have to stop keeping things under your mattress. Nice sheets, by the way… Care Bears, eh?
[Fox snickers.] [silence.]
[a rabid ferret goes rolling by, frothing at the mouth, for no apparent reason.]
R: Well… that was… unexpected.
F: Phillip, come back! I only have so many rabid ferrets…
A: And only you would name them all.
Snape: [running by] Phillip! PHILLIP! [another ferret, biting his ankle, is being dragged along.]
F: [sigh] Terrence is so adorable!
A: I'd have to say that was an interesting sight.
R: Quite. This is getting a little too weird for my taste. Shall we send them all home for the day?
A: I guess so…
F: As long as they can come play another day.
R: [sighs] Bye bye, love slaves. *poof* Oh well. Shall we go watch Moulin Rouge?
A: Are you going to jump at the TV when Nicole Kidman comes on?
R: No, I can control my anger [twitches]. Besides, I made a digitally altered version in which my head is super-imposed over Nicole Kidman's.
F: Everyone must want one of those.
A: I guess we're off.
[everyone leaves.]
[pan in on a grinning, evil ferret in a pink dress.]
Terrence: The fools! At last! We shall use the Philosopher's Scone to resurrect Nicole Kidman and she shall lead our revolution against the weasels! Aha – ahahahaha!! And – oomph!
[Harry trips over the ferret.]
Harry: What the…? Damn ferrets! You've mauled me for the last time! [puts Terrence in the paper shredder.] I need some prunes…
Fin.
A/N: We would just like to apologize for every single word you just read. We have made a mockery of fine literature, excellent actors, and one of the world's largest religions. We do not hate God, Jesus, the Catholic Church, gays, ferrets or Nicole Kidman. We just had some fun. Since we've probably offended just about everyone, I doubt we'll write another one of these stories.