"Alright Avengers," said Captain America as his team bumped along in the drop-bay of their hypersonic transport. "We've tracked the stolen items to the Island tower of Kaluu, an ancient wizard who seems to have assembled them for a dark ritual."
Tony Stark rolled his eyes inside his suit, then opened his face-mask and rolled them again for good measure. Despite being pretty good friends with a Norse God, and he still had trouble taking magic seriously. Sooner or latter he'd get around to proving it was just sufficiently advanced tech, buuuut he had a gala to attend tonight and hot women to schmooze with, so it would have to wait another day.
"Doctor," the captain continued, as if he hadn't noticed, "this is your territory, could you explain our plan of attack?"
Stark would never pass up an opportunity to play the arrogant son of a gun, but over time Rogers had learned that it was best to ignore him. He hated that.
The, well strangely dressed man opened his eyes, blue orbs piercing, and took in the room. "Of course Captain." He said politely. "We are dealing with one of my old nemesis Kaluu, a sorcerer only slightly less powerful than myself, and unfathomably more malicious. As you should already know he has stolen a square foot of artificial diamond form a research firm, the sacred oil of celerity from the Amazonian Halaqya tribe, the sacred cow form the taikala temple in India, and a high-tech body armour plate form a subsidiary of Stark industries I believe…"
"Hey," Said Iron man, "Ex-subsidiary. They still make weapons, I don't. Well, I don't sell weapons."
"And yet I distinctly recall you boasting that their security, put in place by your hands, was impenetrable." Thor said.
Stark mumbled something about not having designed for wormholes.
"None the less," continued Strange "when combining these materials with the Jormungand dagger he-
"Hold wizard!" Commanded the thunder god "Our foe holds one of the fangs of the world serpent?"
"Yes, and with it-
"Impossible! It was supposed to be lost!" Interrupted Thor again. "How in all the nine worlds did it return to midgard? No matter- friends this warlock holds a most dangerous weapon. Be swift and be sure you are not struck by it, for its mere touch is poison enough to kill a frost giant, or to make a field barren ten score seasons!"
"Yes, quite." Said the slightly exasperated physician turned arch mage. "and given the items he has taken it seems likely that he plans to sacrifice the sacred cow, corrupting the innocence of the creature and creating a rift in the astral plane, through which who knows that horrors could spill forth."
"Thank you doctor." Said Cap. "Although, we're closing in on the drop zone, and well, I'm not entirely clear on the plan."
"Yea, you said he was weaker than you right? Why should this be any problem?" asked Stark.
"Although I can defeat him in single combat with some regularity, It is an entirely different thing to confront a wizard in neutral ground, and to fight him in his sanctuary where all manner of defences will be arrayed against you. I say you, because I will be too busy confounding his more powerful wards and elemental servants to take part in the fight."
"Time to drop, one minute. Good luck boys." Said Black widow from the cockpit of the craft.
"Right. So watch out for spooky shit, stop dubledore form sacrificing a cow, and don't get hit with his knife. Got it." Summarized Tony Stark as he closed his helmet.
"You've ruined it all!" screamed Kaluu, as he dropped to his knees, reaching out, then recoiling form the shattered mess on the floor in front of him with his still flaming oven mitts.
"Indeed evildoer!" Said the God of Thunder, pointing his hammer at the 500 year old man. "Now relinquish thy stolen blade and surrender, or be smote by avenging justice!"
"I wasn't doing anything!" Screamed the mage. "I just wanted to… Wait, you seek to prevent my action by starving me! And you call me vile, you are the true villans." He said recoiling in horror, placing a hand over his heart, and almost setting his long pointed gotee on fire.
"Wait what?" Said Steve Rogers, advancing cautiously behind his shield, "What exactly were you doing?"
"I was making brunch! Is it against the law to eat now?"
"Making brunch with a sacred cow, a diamond counter top, and high-tech body armour? Get real." Said Iron man between repulsor blasts at wave upon wave of imps which erupted from something which looked kind of like a old microwave.
"But I was! Why won't anyone believe me?"
"What part of… what is that eggs? Requires all that?" Asked Cap.
"You fools, diamond is an excellent heat conductor when its thin like this, its my stove top. It has no cold spots."
Eyebrows were raised.
The wizard continued. "The body armour plate is composed of a high density mesh of quasi-crystals, which not only emit an aura which purifies many spiritual contaminants surrounding the food, but also is 10,000 times less sticky than simple Teflon. That is my pan. The gilded eggs I already had, and I needed Bessie over there for her milk for my omelette. Oh yea, and I was going to mix the oil in with my olive oil to give it that little bit of a fatty taste, but not too much."
He explained, as the sounds of combat died around him.
"This is some manner of trick." Said Thor.
"He may just be a really good liar but…" Said Steve Rogers.
"You've got to be kidding me." Said Stark. "You did all this because you wanted a shitty brunch?!"
"Not a shitty brunch you fool!" Yelled Kaluu, seething with both metaphorical and literal fire "But just the opposite! The greatest brunch ever created by man or Gods! I was to create a meal so perfect, with such flawless ingredients and tools that the perfection of the art would be sung of in sagas! A meal so perfect that it would elevate the tastebuds of any who dared to try it into a higher realm of reality! But most of all, I did it because I was hungry! Can you fault me for that! Can you?!"
"Uh… is he really telling us he stole all this so he could eat breakfast?" Asked Captain America.
"It would appear so." Said Thor.
"I feel I must apologize, I read the situation incorrectly." Said doctor Strange.
"So you used your awesome mastery over the fabric of space and time to bring yourself the perfect omelette?" asked Stark, sounding more impressed than he probably ought to have.
"Yea, pretty much." Said the old man. "I mean I AM a super villan, did you expect me to just go to the farmers market?"
"One could hope." Said Rogers.
"Not after what happened last time." Strange retorted, his face a mask of regret.
"Well, if you think its really going to be that good, I suppose I could find you another pan." Said Tony, kicking a shard of the body-armour turned frying pan across the ground as he walked over to the kneeling man and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Provided of course, that you make enough for all of us!"