Authors Note: Just a little drabble I had to get out of my head last night. I hope you enjoy it.
Dedication: For you beautiful, we're going to have some pretty amazing todays. I promise. x
The First Night Is Always Hard.
Chest aching fear, ripped through her, her eyes wide and heart pounding so hard she felt like it was about to burst through her chest. For a moment she felt like she couldn't breathe, like her mouth was stuck in a perfect O, but her lungs refused to co-operate. A bead of sweat rolled across her forehead, dripping onto the pillow she clung to, out of fear more than comfort. She felt a wash of guilt; sweep in like an uninvited guest, her eyes scanning the darkness wildly before settling on the steady red blinking light of the baby monitor, soundless but for the light snoozing of her daughter.
She knew this was going to be hard, she had spent months reading the books, taking in the advice from people in the know, from health professionals to expectant, or readymade mothers in the supermarket, but she hadn't expected this. She hadn't expected to feel this ache in her chest, this anxiety dragging her from her usually peaceful slumbers, she hadn't expected to feel the fear she knew had her heart in a sleeper hold with no intention of letting up.
Reaching a hand across her bedside table, she fumbled about for her alarm clock, gripping and spinning until the display was visible, her eyes squinting as the bright light found her gaze. Sighing at the four numbers that told her it was 'too early am' she closed her eyes and rolled onto her back, desperate for some kind of peace. She allowed her head to fall to the side, her hand brushing the hair gently from the face of the woman next to her, lost in slumber, jealous and a little in awe of the kind of peacefulness she exuded. She was sure that this was normal, every first time mother felt a little anxiety, she'd laughed as her own mother told her of how, after having her she would worry constantly, watching her tiny chest rise and fall for hours, just for peace of mind. Right in this moment, that idea didn't seem too silly; closing her eyes she leant over and kissed the forehead of the sleeping woman before rolling back over and sliding herself out from between the sheets.
She felt the cold wooden floor send a chill up her spine as she stood upright, eyes a mixture of heavy lidded and determinate alertness as she shuffled towards the door. Reaching for the handle she twisted slowly, until the click signalled her release and she stepped out into the hallway, pausing momentarily to glace over her shoulder at the still sleeping form, cuddled up and lost in her dreams. Shuffling along the hallway she found the peaceful snoozing had given way to a light twinkling. A soft lullaby she knew all too well, the twinkling notes filling her heart as she took them in and allowed them to lead the way, pausing as the way forward ran out before her. Stopping at the end of the hallway she peered through the open door, into the once empty room, now boasting fullness she had never imagined feeling in her life. She smiled as she watched the mobile turning slowly, the dangling butterflies fluttering to the soft sounds emanating from it, their shadows travelling the expanse of ceiling above them that was dotted in stars she had spent her restless nights painting, the gold glittering under the night light that hung in the air.
She felt her ability to breathe rush back to her as she peered at the centre piece of the room, the dark oak crib, with its lavender, silk canopy dotted in white butterflies. She smiled thinking of how it hadn't taken them long to decide on the theme for their daughters room, the flutters she had felt when she first felt her daughter moving had prompted her to give her the affectionate name of butterfly, and so it made sense when they saw this crib that it was the one for them. Or rather, for her, 'The perfect crib, for the most beautifully perfect little girl', she had thought, and the moment she held her in her arms, and looked down on her daughter, she knew she wasn't wrong. From the mess of jet black hair she imagined weaving in braids one day, to those full lips she knew would form a pout that would bring her to her knees, her daughter was perfect.
Stepping into the room she felt a change, as she crossed the carpeted floor she smiled, at the anxiety that waited at the threshold, its imperfection banned from such a perfect place. She peered over the bars, watching as the small miracle below her lazy in truly peaceful slumber, on her back, arms up by her face, hands fisted tightly and her lips pouting in an adorable way that, had she not been afraid of waking her would have caused her to scoop the tiny girl into her arms, and cuddle her close. Instead she allowed her legs to bend, knees finding the floor as she moved to sit cross legged at the side of the crib, her hand reaching through the spindles, covering the slowly rising and falling chest of her little girl.
She watched her little shoulders move up and down, smiled as she fussed occasionally, soothing her with gentle pats of her hand, she'd read that this replica of the heartbeat in utero could soothe babies and was happy to discover it worked. She wasn't aware how much time had passed, how long she had sat there watching her beautiful baby, but sleep caught up with her, and combined with the peaceful atmosphere, and the anxiety banning threshold she felt herself nodding off, head resting on the spindles, her body too relaxed, too tired to make its way back along to her own bed.
When morning rolled around, the sun creeping through the blinds and washing over her in a warmth her body longed for she responded with a yawn, her arms reaching into the air, before her gaze fell back to the where her hand rested. Panic running through her as she no longer felt the steady rise and fall and instead her hand rested on an empty space. Eyes wide she scanned the room, finally settling on the rocking chair in the corner, where her daughter lay, safe in her mother's arms, a gentle clucking emanating from her as she nursed. Sighing in relief, she slid her hand from between the sheets, as her wife lifted her gazed and looked at her with a smile.
'She stared fussing not so long ago, you looked peaceful…finally. I didn't want to wake you…'
She dropped her head, nodding gratefully as her arms moved to wrap around her legs, pulling her knees into her chest as her wife continued.
'…It's okay to be afraid and scared and worried, you're her mommy… it's normal, this sneaking into her room. Its normal, I always just thought it would be me who would be doing it'
Standing up and crossing the room, she moved to kneel before her wife and child, hand reaching loving for her daughters face, fingers gently brushing her raven curls back behind her tiny ears. Looking into her wife's eyes, that dark brown, heart-warming gaze that soothed her very core, she smiled, and bit on her bottom lip as a tear washed over her own bright gaze before rolling down her pallid cheeks, she sniffled as she began.
'You all have some kind of connection to her, I know it's biological and there's nothing I can do about that. But I still love her, just as much as you do, I know Mark doesn't see it, and I know your parents don't see it, and mine probably wonder why, and how… but it's not a case of questions when it comes to her, Callie. I worry about her, for her… and I have this unwavering need to protect her, to be there when she needs me…'
'And that is why; you're her mom, Arizona. You might not have carried her, but you felt her move. You might not have given birth to her, but you held her. You're who she sees every day, and who watches over her while she sleeps. You… are… her mom. You don't need anyone else to tell you that, all you have to do is look at her…'
Looking between them at the fully sated, but still fussing child, she smiled. Silently asking Callie if it was okay, she moved to hold the small child, one hand sliding underneath her curls, the other around her tiny frame and under her bottom, as she pulled her to her chest, holding her against her shoulder, upright as she patted gently on her back, her whole hand the same size as her frame. She smiled, giggling lightly as she felt their daughters face, rubbing into her neck, nuzzling into her as she moved to stand. Walking across the room and over to the sun streamed windows she closed her eyes and enjoyed the warmth, the small body in her hold stilling and a light snoozing indicating that she had slipped back into a comfortable sleep. Smiling, she turned her head to the side and kissed the soft caramel skin, rested against her shoulder, her body relaxing as she felt another slide behind her.
She sank back into Callies' embrace, allowed herself to be held up almost, by the strong arms that encircled her waist. She felt her other shoulder become occupied, slow, lazy kisses falling on her skin as Callie whispered words of comfort and love against her skin. She smiled, lifting her gaze, closing her eyes and enjoying the warmth of the day, and love in her life.
Because tomorrows always seem hard when you don't know the outcome, but if you concentrate on the here and now, on the love you feel in that moment and just go with it, you'll find you can have some pretty amazing todays.
I hope you enjoyed. x