So. Self-insert. Yay. Ya'll are going to be witness to all my insecurities, thoughts, quirks, and flaws. The rating is mainly because of my crude sense of humor. If I decide to make it lemony, rest assured that I will up the rating from T to M. Until then, I hope you enjoy my story! Thank you for reading!

"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Katie! Happy birthday to you!" A burning ache filled my chest as my friends and family sang to me. Whether it was happiness or heartburn, I refused to think about. One answer was positive, the other meant I'd had too much soda. I refuse to give up my carbonated beverage however, so let's just move on.

"Make a wish and blow out your candles!" my mother said. She'd been a beauty in her time. Thick long hair, bright blue eyes, and curved in all the right places. Now at 53 years old, her figure had gone from hourglass to pomegranate and she dyed her hair religiously to hide the gray.

I look almost exactly like her when she was 23, or at least from the pictures I've seen. We had the same facial features; nose, mouth, chin. I think she'd even been a brunette as well, but she's been blonde (and gray) for as long as I can remember. Even my eyes come from her side of the family, though it seemed to have skipped her. A pretty hazel color with a brownish ring around the pupil, framed by thick eyelashes.

My eyes are probably the only thing I like about myself. The rest of me is too pudgy and hairy, but I don't bore you with my faults. I had a wish to make! It's been so long since we've had such a large gathering. Yes we're missing people, but this has been the biggest group we've had in a while! Timmy and Anna, Nicky and Joey, Chris and Tony... Even John and Brian were here too! I mean I know most of them are here for Timmy, since this was his birthday party too (he was born three years and one day before me; go figure), but I don't mind! At least I got to see them all.

I've missed this, actually. Feeling a part of something, like they actually cared about me. I knew I was lying to myself, that their lives wouldn't change one iota if I suddenly disappeared, but it made me feel better. Maybe I could wish for more of this? To see more of my friends? But no, I wouldn't be that selfish. They had their own lives that I wasn't a part of.

What else? To somehow suddenly be transported to the world of One Piece and live out my life as a pirate? Ha, yeah right. Even if shit like that DID happen, in a world where ships and boats are the main way to travel, I'd be fucked. I can't swim and I have a phobia of drowning. So yeah, that's out. But that doesn't mean I can't wish for the next best thing!

I closed my eyes and wished. I wished as hard as I could, 'I wish I could go on an adventure!' It only one breath to blow out all of the candles which meant my wish would come true! Oh, I hope my adventure starts soon, and is a good one!

That night was like any other. I changed into my pajamas (black with white Batman symbols around), brushed my teeth, and spent hours flipping around different sites on the internet. Gotta tell ya, Tumblr is a dangerous place to be when you've got the sleepy hahas.

Out of nowhere my laugh became a yawn, and a wave of fatigue hit me so strong that it sent the world around me out of focus for a bit. I must have been more tired than I thought. Good thing I don't work tomorrow! Increasingly sluggish, I shut down my laptop, said goodnight to my parents and pets (Alex, my cat, attacked my foot), and crawled into bed.

I dreamed of stars and pain that night. Or at least, I thought they were stars. Bright lights went whooshing by me, too fast for me to get a good look. Not that I could have been able to anyway. I was too focused on the unGodly pain that was coursing through me. It felt like my blood was on fire and boiling my skin. Like I was being pulled apart, molecule by molecule, and forced back together into something unnatural.

It seemed like forever until the pain faded to a stop. As soon as it did, I forced my eyes open and swiftly got to all fours to violently puke cake and ice cream and chips up. My throat burned like wildfire when I was done, and I collapsed onto my side to avoid the vomit. I have no idea what that dream was, but I hope to God I never have it again.

I kept my eyes closed and my face pressed into the dirt, letting birdsong wash over me. It wasn't until my stomach settled that I forced myself up and looked around. It hadn't occurred to me before how wrong this all was. I'd gone to bed in East Bangor, Pennsylvania. And while it wasn't devoid of plant life, none of it was as beautiful as this.

All around me oaks and maples rose. Their branches were teeming with green buds, promises of new life to come. Squirrels and birds fluttered and scampered along through the boughs, every once in a while staring back at me before moving on. Below, on the ground, bushes grew haphazardly everywhere with flowers just beginning to bloom of all shapes and colors and sizes and scents.

It seemed to be Spring here, which coincided with back home where it was a little beyond a week into March, since my birthday was March 9th. So there was always the possibility of this being a prank by one of the others. They could have, have drugged me or something and moved me while I was sleeping. It wasn't their style, too harsh, but it was a more comforting thought than someone unknown kidnapping me and leaving me to die a slow painful death.

The air was cleaner here though. Even now I could feel my energy returning to me as I breathed. It was such a new feeling that I knew instinctively something was very, very wrong. "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." I said aloud, not expecting an answer.

I think I was well within my rights to shriek when a withered voice said from DIRECTLY BEHIND ME, "I do not know who this Toto is, my Lady, but you are most certainly nowhere you know of."

Turning around, I looked up. And up. And up. This man was very, very tall, wore a gray robe and hat, carried a wooden staff with a gem on the end, and had bright, sparkling blue eyes that watched me with wisdom and kindness and no small amount of amusement. It was the eyes more than anything else that made me realize who I was looking at. "You… You're Gandalf the Grey."

He inclined his head just so to confirm. "Indeed I am. And you, my dear, are Katie, daughter of Candy, and the Valar's chosen." I gaped. I'm pretty sure a fly flew into my mouth and out again. Gandalf chuckled again and leaned against his staff to peer down at me. "You did wish for an adventure, did you not?"

I stared at him before realizing what he meant. My birthday wish. He was talking about when I blew out my candles earlier. How had he known that? Unless…. "I have two, possibly three theories on how you know that. One, you're the one that kidnapped me and my friends are innocent this time." He looked almost scandalized. Probably at the mere suggestion he'd kidnapped me, but I live to make things difficult for other people. "It's happened before. My friends knocked on my door, I opened it, and the next thing I know Vinni has my arms, Alex has my legs, and they're telling my parents they'll have me back by ten."

And that is a completely true story, I'm not even kidding. Gandalf coughed to himself and looked up, as if asking God or the Valar for strength to deal with my bullshit. Welcome to my mother's life. Although at this point he's taking it a lot better than she did. She would have just walked away by now if she were here. "Perhaps you would benefit from a better choice of friends?" Which is a fancy way of saying 'bitch stop hanging out with those idiots'.

I gave him a grin that I can only hoped seemed sharp and fierce and not as stupid as I thought it did. "Oh trust me, they never did it again after I broke Vinni's nose with my elbow and kicked Alex in the nuts." That part was a fabrication, but he wouldn't know the difference. I hope, at least. "The second theory is that I'm in a legit coma right now and you're the manifestation of my subconscious here to show me that life itself is an adventure, or some sappy thing like that."

He raised a bushy eyebrow at that. "A surprisingly deep theory, but wrong nonetheless. And the third?"

I waved a hand around to indicate the entire scene around us, including the puddle of vomit I refuse to acknowledge as mine. "All of this is real. I'm really in Middle Earth, you're really Gandalf, and the Valar really are the ones who brought me here. In which case, the Valar need to get their heads on straight because I'm the last person anyone should want as their champion."

His eyebrows rose, and his gaze got so intense that it was making me nervous. A nervous Katie is a babbly Katie, and babbly Katie is more annoying than usual because she just won't shut up. "I mean, do I look like a warrior to you? No, because I'm not a warrior! But then, I guess you don't either. Quite frankly you look like the senile old man one would find wandering the parking lot because he forgot where he parked only to realize he didn't even drive, he took the bus."

See? I never would have said that if I wasn't nervous. Thought it, yes, but not said it. Gandalf looked a bit offended at being called senile, but I was still babbling too fast for him to speak. "But my point is that I don't know how to fight! I can't swing a hammer or throw an ax or shoot a bow or wield a sword! I'm worse than Hiccup from How To Train Your Dragon because at least he's smart enough to find ways around his weaknesses by playing to his strengths!"

Naturally, the wizard didn't get the reference. I'd honestly be a bit worried if he had. "My dear, I think you give yourself far too little credit. Regardless of whatever skills you may or may not have, we have a deadline to meet." … Did… Did Gandalf just blow me off? And what does he mean 'deadline'?! "We must be in Bag Endone week from now, I must still convince one particular hobbit to join our Company."

Bag End? A week? OUR Company?! "You didn't listen to a single word I said, did you?" I sighed. I'm not even sure why I'm surprised. He didn't take 'no' from Bilbo, why would he take a 'no' from me? "Alright old man. You have an entire week to teach me how not to be an outsider, and we both have seven days to come up with a cover story to tell the others about why I'm here, and we ALSO need to find a way to convince Thorin to let me tag along." Gandalf narrowed his eyes and I rolled my own in response. "What, you thought the Valar brought me here for my pretty looks or singing voice? Why else would I be here if not for my knowledge?"

He wore a considering look before nodding. "Perhaps we should simply tell him you're a Seer?" I didn't quite hide my grimace. I've quite honestly lost track of the number of fanfictions about a modern girl claiming to be a Seer, and that was one cliche I absolutely refused to fall into. "Are you sure? It would be an easy story to sell. No? Well alright. As you said, we've time enough. Surely between the two of us we can come up with something!"

And with that, he started walking. I took a moment to think if I really wanted to get caught up in this. Did Thorin, Fili, or Kili deserve to die? No. Did I think could change anything? Not really. But I was here for an adventure, and whatever else occurred, an adventure will be had! I only hoped I didn't die in the process...

Pages on Google Docs: 4
Words on Google Docs: 2146

I try to make most chapters at least 2000. If it takes a while to update, it's because I haven't quite reached that mark yet. Any reviews I get will be greatly appreciated!