Losing Kurt had hit everyone hard. Everyone tried to act nice and support him but you couldn't just be perfect friends after a fracture like that; like all breaks, there were scars the wouldn't heal. Rachel had come out of it the best, if anything Kurt and Rachel were closer because of it. As she sat in silence nursing her coffee, Kurt sat across from her in his Dalton uniform, she thought maybe it had been for the best. Maybe.

"So who will be there on Saturday?" She asked trying not to sound nervous. On Saturday, Kurt was going to a fancy party with the rest of the Dalton boys and she was her strictly platonic date. Rachel wouldn't know anyone that was going and it scared her a little. She could sing in front of thousands of strangers but hold a conversation with them? Never.

"A lot, it's Blaine's friend's birthday and his family have more money than sense. They've invited everyone to this party." He locked eyes with her and smiled reassuringly. "Rachel, don't worry about it. It's just a birthday party"

"I'm not worried," she answered immediately, her nervous tone belied her statement.

"So how's Finn?"

Finn. Rachel never knew what to say in response. Kurt invariably asked her this question every week and it was getting difficult to answer honestly. They'd been going out for months now: Rachel didn't know how many. Immediately after the Jesse incident they'd hooked up and now, months later, they were still together.

"He's fine. I think he's finding it all a bit stressful but everyone is," Rachel stared into her coffee, trying to think of something, anything else to say. In truth Finn was being horrible, he cared more about his stupid reputation than he did about Rachel. As much as she tried to ignore it that hurt Rachel. It hurt a lot. "He's cool with me going to Saturday though."

"Good. What are you going to wear?"

"No idea."

"Come on. We need to find you something, I refuse to go with you in one of your reindeer jumpers." He pulled her up and they left the coffee shop. Leaving the worried about Finn, the panic about Saturday and two untouched cups of coffee behind them.

"I hate black tie," Rachel moaned to Kurt as they sat through boring speeches addressed to the birthday boy. She'd probably be more interested if she knew who the birthday boy was, all she knew was that she was a friend of Blaine and was called Andrew. The party so far had been dull, really dull. She was seated on a table with five other guys from The Warblers and their dates. Kurt had ignored her for most of it and aside from the perfectly cooked meal that had been served before the speeches there was nothing good about this party.

"Why do you hate black tie?" Kurt asked. "I think everyone looks amazing."

"It reminds me of your fathers wedding," she mumbled, not wanting to interrupt the speech and not wanting to listen to it either.

"I can't see any comparisons. You made a ugly bridesmaid, tonight you look stunning."

"I'm sure there's a compliment in there somewhere," Rachel quipped. They both knew it was true. Bridesmaids never looked cute and red wasn't the best colour on Rachel. Tonight she wore a dusky, pale pink dress that was a couple of inches shorter than the red one. It had a tight, satin bodice and the skirt was made of layers of organza with a flower motif. Her hair was set in thick glamour curls and her heels were very high. It wasn't really important how she looked, Rachel liked the dress because it made her feel stunning. It made her feel taller and more attractive. It made her breasts look bigger than they really were. She looked older as well. The dress made Rachel feel like one of the pretty girls she'd longed to be before.

"Thanks Kurt," she whispered. She meant more than 'thanks for the compliment', or 'the help with the dress'. She meant thank you for the support. Thank you for taking me out tonight. Thank you for making me forget Finn. Thank you for everything. Even though she knew Kurt wouldn't understand she felt a little better after saying thank you.

The speeches were over. The Warblers performed, an artistic rendition of Happy Birthday and then Simply the Best with slightly altered lyrics for the birthday boy. Rachel had to admit it was very cute. Looking at Kurt and Blaine sing she knew that this was for the best. Kurt was happy and that was important. Originally the members of Glee had criticized Kurt for running away from his demons, now Rachel was doing the same. Ignoring her problems with school life and Finn and running around with Kurt and Blaine.

Still running around with them was fun, Rachel thought as she swayed in Kurt's arms. He was, and always had been, a very good dancer. They were both good dancers, New Directions' choreography had never showed their talents off. The music was too fast to dance properly to. Kurt insisted on spinning Rachel around as though they were ballroom dancing despite the terrible song. It was almost as though they were dancing to some imagined beat that only they could hear. Rachel peeked over Kurt's shoulder to see Blaine talking to the band. Predictably the song switched to something a lot slower and more romantic. There was tap on Rachel's back.

"Mind if I cut in?" Blaine asked.

"No," Rachel said. "He's all yours."

She left the dance floor then. Watching them dance together was touching. They were close together, almost too close, barely moving as the music played. They were whispering to each other, head rested on shoulders and hand intertwined. It could almost be a scene from a movie, they were so perfect together. Yet it wasn't a scene from a movie, they weren't the happy prince and princess dancing together. They were two teenage boys.

That only made it better. There was no love it movies, no deep connection between the prince and princess. Between Kurt and Blaine there was a connection. You could see it as they danced close together, as though the world would stop if more than an inch separated them. They were in love. It showed. It was beautiful.

"It's nice isn't it," a boy asked from beside Rachel, nodding towards the couple. She suspected he was in the Warblers with them.

"It's lovely," Rachel replied sounding distant. "Kurt deserves to be happy."

Towards the end of the party Rachel found herself at the bar. She loved being around Kurt but sometimes his happiness annoyed her. She was pleased for Kurt. If anyone deserved to be happy it was Kurt. Still when you're miserable being around the perfectly happy couple stung a little. Rachel hid at the bar, running away from more problems as she drank. Getting alcohol had never been a problem, what Rachel wanted Rachel got.

"Tequila, please," Rachel said her throat feeling oddly dry. The shot glass was quickly emptied but not refilled. She could get wasted but was it really a good idea? No. "Tequila, please," forget being sensible for once.

"I didn't have you down tequila drinker," Rachel didn't need to turn around to know who was talking to her.

"I didn't have you down as a jerk," She turned and stared at Jesse St. James "A lot has changed."

"Are you annoyed with me?"Jesse asked. Rachel wondered if he was really that dense, then felt oddly guilty for judging him.

Rachel thought. What he had done to her had hurt. She had almost thrown a performance because of his actions and the diva inside Rachel knew that was dreadful. Yet she didn't hate him. She felt numb. Apathetic. Tired.

"Honestly? No. I'm not even mad. I've got Finn now." She turned away from Jesse. "Beer, please."

"Rache, you might want to slow down," Jesse reprimanded.

"Jesse, you don't know me. Not any more," She turned back to her beer. "Nowadays, this is my idea of 'slow'." It was true. Finn had commented on how she never got drunk, never had sex, never did anything fun. Now she was doing a lot more of all three and not really enjoying it.

"You'll ruin your voice."

"I don't have a voice any more. I've stopped singing, I'm thinking of quitting Glee"

There was silence. Heavy and oppressive, in the background the band was playing their finial number but for Rachel it seemed deathly quiet. Why had she told Jesse that? She hadn't told anyone that, not even Kurt. The truth was she was singing any more, all of her solos were being taken up by different members of the club and she wasn't really doing much. Somehow Rachel had lost her voice.

"Why? They don't stand a chance at Regionals without you!"

"As though you care, why are you even here? Shouldn't you be at UCLA?"

"I re-matriculated." Rachel snorted, of course Vocal Adrenaline wouldn't give up their star that easily. "Shelby asked me to, she carried on as coach..."

"I'm not surprised. She never told me the truth. I suppose you care because you wanted to mess with us before Regionals again? The funkification won't be any good if the opposition sucks to begin with."

"Don't talk like that! What are you doing Rachel?"

"What everyone does, Jesse. I'm doing what you did, what Kurt did, what Quinn did. I'm running away."

Jesse groaned in frustration and pulled her to the now empty stage. "Sing!" He ordered forcefully. "Sing, before you completely lose your voice. Something, anything just please – please sing!"

Jesse, in his well fitting tux, looked perfect. On the outside both he and Rachel looked stunning, inside he was just as broken as she felt. He'd been sleeping with Giselle, the awful female lead of Vocal Adrenaline and he hated himself for it. He had no idea what he was thinking really. Seeing Rachel again and not hearing her sing? - that seemed ridiculous.

Piano music filled the air, Rachel was playing. Quite well, he'd never heard her play before but she was really quite good at it, not as good as him but not bad. She played carefully, as though she had learned this one song and was determined to get it right. The song was good though. Jesse had never heard anything like this before, the notes were heavy, each one carrying a bit of Rachel's pain to his ears and making him carry it.

Then she sang. Usually she was a total diva, with closed eyes and hand gestures; she affected emotions well but sometimes lacked the emotional depth needed. Now her voice was quiet and full of sorrow and every emotion was real, she was feeling it.

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I'd do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?
Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
With you?

The chorus was so full of questions that Jesse could not answer. The only one that could answer them was Rachel. He joined her singing, his voice was not as pained but the emotions were there, real and raw. Rachel sang softly 'Is that alright?' and played the piano as he took the rest of the lyrics, carrying the song when she was too weak to.

Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you dont shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?

The ended the song together, asking the question that plagued them both.

Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?

Then Jesse sang:

No...

"You can't tell me that it's alright Rachel. I know it's not. Your singing isn't as good as it used to be."

"I don't want to do this now Jesse," She stood up and smoothed down her pretty dress. "I'll see you when I'm sober."

"When will that be?"

"I honestly don't know."

A/N: So, I'm pretty rubbish at writing author's notes. Sorry about that. They song was 9 Crimes by Damien Rice and clearly I don't own anything here. It's fanfiction for a reason. Thank you for reading. Next chapter will be up soon. Bye x