Bluffington, 1993. Doug's desk.
" Dear Journal,
Hi. It's me, Doug. Tonight was the best night of my life! I just got home from my very first date-date with Patti Mayonnaise!
I've been in love with her for as far back as I can remember! Or well, at least since I moved to Bluffington three years ago. I can't believe she actually asked me out. And don't quote me on this, but she might actually be my official girlfriend now. She said she likes me. She LIKE-LIKES me!
Imagine, I have my very first girlfriend, and it's nonother than Patti Mayonnaise, the girl of my dreams, the prettiest girl in Bluffington. I'm the happiest, luckiest guy in the world!
It all started a few weeks ago at her dad's wedding to Ms. Krystal. Patti looked so pretty in that pink dress, and then it happened. She actually asked ME out to the Summer Harvest Moon Festival. I was so nervous, I didn't know what to do. But Porkchop and Skeeter were a lot of help. The Harvest Moon Festival was outside, so I didn't dress up fancy or anything, but I did remember to wear Manly Madness aftershave.
At first I was sort of scared. What would it be like to be on a real live date-date with Patti Mayonnaise? What if she finds out she doesn't like me? Should I tell her how much I like her? How am I supposed to act?
But it turned out to be not that different from all the other times we hung out together. We got to dance to our favorite Beets songs, and we had a lot of fun. I was beginning to worry if maybe I got things wrong. Maybe this really wasn't as much of a date as I thought. But then I walked her home.
It was sort of weird. As we walked, all of the sudden, Patti got real quiet. I tried to make some conversation, but she just didn't seem interested in talking. She just stared at the floor.
Finally, I asked her if there was anything wrong. If maybe she was mad at me about something. She shook her head and said she had to tell me something. She stopped walking and her face got really red. As far as I've known her, I couldn't ever remember seeing Patti get so red!
I could feel my heart pounding. I'm going to write down what she said word for word, because I'll never forget it as long as I live.
'Doug, I really like you a lot. I mean…I LIKE-LIKE you. As a boy. I just thought I should tell you that. '
I didn't know what to say. She said,
'You were always such a great friend, someone I could always count on. But over the last couple of months…with my dad's wedding and everything…You were always there for me, and I started to think about what a nice guy you are…And I started to…to like you. I understand if you don't like me back, and I hope we can still stay friends no matter what. But I just felt that I should be honest with you."
It was the moment I've been dreaming of ever since I met her! But this was no dream, it was really real!
She seemed a little embarrassed, and she said, 'Come on, Doug. Please say something!'
But I just couldn't talk. I felt too dizzy.
'You're mad. I-I'm sorry, Doug, I never should have said anything.'
'No no no…It's okay, Patti…I just don't know what to say…'
'Well at least tell me what you think.'
She was being so honest with her feelings, and here I was, trying to hide how crazy I was about her all this time. I couldn't keep it a secret from her now.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
'Patti, I've always liked you…As a girl, I mean…I think you're the…the prettiest girl in the world. I fell in love with you the first time I ever saw you at the Honker Burger. I was always crazy about you, but I guess I didn't have the guts to ever tell you, so I kept it a secret. You might have just started liking me, but I've liked you for three years.'
Now it was my turn to be red as a beet. She looked so surprised!
'Doug! I had no idea! Why didn't you ever say anything to me before?'
'Well…I didn't think a girl like you could ever go for a guy like me.'
She started to laugh. 'But Doug! You're really such a great guy.'
I just shrugged. And then it happened! I still can't believe it even as I write this.
She said, 'Doug, can I ask you something?'
'Sure, Patti. Anything.'
'Would you mind if I kissed you?'
I almost fainted! I don't remember much after that, except standing in front of her house, holding her hands in mine, and PATTI MAYONNAISE WAS ACTUALLY KISSING ME!
This was the best moment in my life! Journal, I'll never wash my mouth again!
Well, maybe just to brush my teeth or something."