Their evening had gone from peaceful relaxation to a utter nightmare in a matter of minutes. "You can't go," she told her husband in a rather harsh voice. "We need you here, not at Hogwarts." Rising out of her seat with their sleeping son in her arms, Tonks had a look of desperation at the sight of Remus pulling on his cloak and tucking his wand carefully away.
"They need fighters – they need me," he stated plainly. It was true that Kingsley's silvery lynx requested that help go to the Hogshead for transport to Hogwarts and it was not an entirely immodest conclusion that Remus was among their top duelers in the Order.
Setting Teddy down in a bassinet, Tonks fixed Remus with a steely look. "I'm coming too," Tonks declared with her jaw firmly set. If her husband was necessary for the fight, then the trained and skilled auror would be as well.
Remus' face instantly betrayed his misgiving at this idea. He wanted to fit so much into his rebuttal – that their son needed his mother, he couldn't face the idea of losing her in the battle, she had just given birth weeks ago and wasn't well enough to go – but the words that left Remus' mouth were, "It would be better if you stayed. The battle will go fine without you."
Angry tears flooded Tonks' eyes. It was apparent to her that Remus thought her inconsequential in a battle and after her inability to face down Bellatrix at the Ministry, maybe he was right. She had proven herself since then, fighting Death Eaters while on a high speed aerial pursuit but her love would not get past the mistake that cost his best friend's life. Tonks couldn't bring up that old hurt, not while they faced a new fissure in their relationship. "I don't see why they need you either," she fumed. "Your family needs you – your wife and son. Not the war."
The tenseness in Remus' shoulders broke and Tonks thought she had won and that he would stay. Remus closed the short gap between them and brushed the flushed cheek of his wife's heart-shaped face. "'Dora," he breathed. It was in that moments Tonks realized he would leave and anger set it. "I have to do this – for Harry and for us."
Reasonable response fell by the wayside as Tonks was overcome by hormones and emotions that had been rampant since giving birth. Emotions had always driven their relationship but since having Teddy it was difficult for Tonks to reign in feelings. "I get it," she fumed. "You're ditching us for Harry and the battle," a moment of cold silence fell before she finished with, "just like you've ditched me at every other opportunity, Lupin."
Memory and emotion washed over Tonks and each wall Remus put between them felt new and as raw as a fresh burn. "You're still running from us," Tonks accused angrily as she pulled away from Remus' hand. "And you're using any excuse to not stay. First it was your condition, then grief, then the war, guilt, shame, and now this. I need you to choose me, just once."
Remus' eyes darted from Nymphadora's heaving chest and tearstained face and shook his head for just a moment, as if he could shake off the guilt he felt seeing the woman he loved like this. He needed to address her distress while still making it clear he would go to Hogwarts. "I love you," Remus paused, searching for a way to communicate his affection and sorrow at past mistakes. "There's so much I have to make up to you and we have the rest of our lives for that but…" he stopped for a moment and took 'Dora's hand in his. "I can't leave the Order in the lurch while I'm home with you."
Teddy started to fuss but Tonks did not immediately pick him up. Instead she tried to parse out logic from emotion but was only able to see that her husband would not heed her request. "If that's what you're going to do –"
A smile broke over Remus' face at his wife's understanding. "I'll –"
"Don't come home," Tonks finished, causing Remus' smile to fall and his brow furrow. "I can't be your second priority or lower and neither can Teddy." Finally answering their son's cry, Tonks bent over the bassinet as she could not bear to look at him until she had better composure.
All of Remus wanted to argue and fight for his marriage, love, and son but he was not deserving of the love Tonks gave him. She was worth fighting for but he did not merit the effort. Knowing that he would sacrifice the love of his life in the war, Remus put his hand on Tonks' shoulder and said, "Please, stay safe," and left into the darkness of night.
Once the door shut behind Remus, Tonks sank to her knees and cried bitterly. Teddy gazed up at his mum, wispy purple hair peeking from under the bonnet he wore. "You'll always have me, Teddy," Tonks promised as she kissed his forehead.
"Nymphadora?" Andromeda's voice startled Tonks. "Where is Remus?"
Wishing she could hide the tears on her face, Tonks straightened up and faced her mother. "He left," she said simply. It was clear that Andromeda expected more information. "There's a fight at Hogwarts and they needed Remus so, he left." Of course the situation sounded straightforward when she explained it to someone else – why couldn't it have been so clear in her mind ten minutes ago?
Tonks sank onto the couch and buried her face in trembling hands. Sitting next to her daughter, Andromeda through the messy pink hair she'd come to love. "Remus will be alright, Nymphadora. You've told me how many duels he's been in – against the worst Death Eaters too," Andromeda comforted her distraught daughter.
"I told him not to come home," Tonks cried, feeling foolish for her selfish, short-sighted behavior. "I was so mad that he was running off and leaving me – leaving us behind."
Andromeda sighed at her impulsive daughter's behavior but also felt a stab of grief as she saw her husband behind that trait. "Look at me, Nymphadora," she said sternly and for a moment they could have been twenty years in the past with Tonks in trouble over her regular mischief. "You've had your share of spats with Remus and you've always managed to mend things in the end. This is no different. He'll come home and will sort this out."
With a loud sniffle, Tonks looked marginally better. "You're right, Mum. I should go too – they'll need me and I need to… I need to apologize," Tonks finished quietly. In her mind's eye, Tonks could see the dejected look on Remus' face and him fighting with less vigor without a family to go home to.
"No, you can't do that," Andromeda began, feeling aghast at the idea of her daughter running to a deadly fight. She knew it was pointless to persuade the willful woman she raised but Andromeda had to try. "You've just given birth and Teddy," Andromeda's voice cracked. "Teddy needs you."
She realized that fear drove her mother's reluctance to see her leave but years as an auror taught Tonks how to sidestep the occasionally overbearing mother. "I won't even be a main part of the battle – they're probably setting up leaders around the castle and I'll be a latecomer to all that," Tonks reassured Andromeda.
"What if Teddy needs to feed?" Andromeda asked, hoping her grandson could keep Nymphadora at home.
"Oh, Mum," Tonks laughed. "We have a pump so I can leave enough milk for a few hours. I just fed him too." This wasn't the first time that her mother was unaware of modern baby care. "I showed you how to use a bottle and you certainly know how to tell he's hungry."
There were no more reasons Andromeda could pull together for Nymphadora not to go to Hogwarts and she had to admit to herself that the battle would benefit from another skilled fighter. "Just promise me that you'll stay clear of the main fight. Be useful but, not in the midst of all the killing."
The promise of, "Of course, Mum," was one of the least certain ones Tonks made. She knew the grounds would be chaos and the fight could very well find her.
The school was absolute bedlam when Tonks arrived through the tunnel from Hogshead. Tonks found Ginny Weasley in the Room of Requirement, alone and looking very frustrated. The two women were soon joined by Augusta Longbottom, a formidable woman Tonks knew as a friend of her mother's. They were each there because someone they loved was out in the midst of the battle – Ginny anxious for her family and Harry, Augusta worried for her grandson, and Tonks desperate to see Remus.
While she'd rather be out, looking for Remus, Tonks stayed to keep Ginny company. Despite her own predicament, she felt sympathy for the underage witch and thought it would be unfair to make her wait out the war in isolation. It seemed that Mrs. Longbottom was staying for the two women rather than consideration of her own safety. Tonks recalled hearing the elderly witch brought down a small team of aurors, including Dawlish to Tonks' delight.
They chatted idly without mentioning or wondering what was going on outside their sanctuary. That is, until the door opened and Harry Potter came in asking for the room. His words of Remus leading fighters out in the grounds sent Tonks running away from the room, her heart hammering. Ginny was at her heel moments later and pulled Tonks to a window saying, "We can fight from here and you can look for Remus."
Their view of the battle was as spectacular as it was horrifying. The castle grounds were in complete disarray as jinxes and curses flew through the night. "There are so many of them out there," Tonks breathed before aiming a jinx at a tall person in a Death Eater mask. "I have to find him," she added, anxiety tantamount with hope at their chances.
Harry's voice pulled Tonks from her visual search of the ground just in time to see Aberforth and ask for news of Remus. Hope diminished in Tonks at hearing her husband was fighting Antonin Dolohov, a person she knew would have a chance at besting Remus. Ignoring Ginny's attempt to call after her, Tonks ran after Aberforth and his crowd of students. "Aberforth," she called out, "Where in the grounds?"
Aberforth paused for a moment, a frown clearly visible through his beard. "East of the main entrance, towards the Astronomy Tower," he told her tersely. Tonks took off at once but not before hearing Aberforth yell, "Don't be foolish – be careful."
The path to the main entrance was in worse shape than Tonks expected. She paused a flight of stairs down from where she left Aberforth to disguise herself, hoping for safer passage if she looked less conspicuous. It took inordinate concentration for Tonks to grow her hair out into a dark, wavy main – not unlike that of Bellatrix. She was not in the right frame of mind to attempt something more complex, not with her mind so focused on Remus.
Fear drove Tonks as she ran through students fighting grown Death Eaters. The auror in her wanted to stop and fight but the woman in love needed to find her husband. She did managed to shield a handful of students from falling debris and stunned a Death Eater who was dueling two older looking students. At the door to the castle, Tonks stopped again to catch her breath and change back to her normal appearance – she wanted to make it easy for Remus to see her.
Ready to face whatever horrors lay out on the grounds, Tonks hurled herself through the door only to run right into Kingsley. "Tonks," he said, apparently in shock to see her.
"Is Remus still out there?" Tonks implored of her longtime colleague and friend. Kingsley nodded and Tonks made to shoot past him but was stopped by his strong hand on her shoulder.
"I'm glad you're here," Kingsley told her with the sentiment behind the words clear in Kingsley's dark eyes. He hugged Tonks briefly before saying, "be safe out there," and watching Tonks run towards the Astronomy Tower.
If the fight outside made the duels in the castle seem like a practice round. There were bodies, more than Tonks could bear to take notice of. The fight outside seemed content to ignore one person running through as neither side seemed to know if Tonks fought for them or not. There was a lull in fighting as Tonks rounded the tower, finally able to hear a fight ahead of her. She paused, just out of sight from the fighters she needed to see and caught a glimpse of Remus, still standing tall against Dolohov.
Not able to hold back any longer, Tonks ran towards the fight and blocked a curse Dolohov had sent at Remus. Searching for the source of the spell, Remus turned his head enough to see Tonks running towards him. In the moments that their eyes met, Tonks could see the hurt in his eyes slowly turn to hope until a flash of green robbed Remus of all life.
A scream, perhaps inaudible, perhaps not, left Tonks' mouth before she managed another stunner at Dolohov. Kneeling at Remus' side, Tonks shook him in vain, wanting to feel his touch just once more. "Please," she cried to no one in particular. "I'm sorry," she wept, taking Remus' hand in hers. . Before any response could be made another flash of green enveloped Tonks and her world turned to black.
Author Note:
I borrowed situations and moments from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by JK Rowling, chapter 31 – The Battle at Hogwarts. I would love to know what you thought. This is the first thing I've written in months and I felt quite rusty. It's also the first time I've written Remus/Tonks in two years. Could you see Tonks' perspective in not wanting Remus to run off? In the two novels I wrote about them there were many moments when Remus left Tonks for various reasons and I imagined hormones making it difficult for Tonks to accept it yet again. Thanks to Kiana and Lisa for making me bring this much pain on myself as it was horrible to do this to Remus and Tonks. The title for the song/chapter: Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough is a song by Patty Smyth.