Summary: The Dynamic Duo are not having a good day. Well, how was Anakin to know the salesman was going to drug them and that they were going to be chained up in some suburban basement?
Rating: K+
Characters: Obi Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker
Genre: Humor/Adventure
The Terrible, Horrible, No Good For Nothing, Really Bad Day
Writers Notes: They are not mine! Nor is this supposed to canon compliant or completely in character. Not every detail is correct or compliant with the Star Wars universe. Enjoy!
It was not going to be a good day. In fact, it was going to be a horrible day. Anakin Skywalker had known this from the moment he had woken up and realized that his shampoo bottle was empty. Which basically meant his luscious, blonde mane of hair was now going to be limp and greasy, and what was the point of fighting Seps anyway, when you couldn't even wash your hair?
There were other ill omens too, seeing as that one, would have made Obi-Wan hit him on the head. He was tired. He was hungry. You apparently knew you had landed on the planet of R'gnorr, when constant rain started beating your ship. Asajj Ventress had only three days earlier gotten smart and figured that one way to quickly win a fight with a male Jedi was to kick him up there. Hard.
And of course, going back to the present he and Obi-Wan had been captured by one of Dooku's mooks and were currently chained to the wall. Force compulsion didn't work on it and they were pretty much trapped.
Good times. And Obi-Wan was glaring at him like it was his fault, as if that traveling salesman in the middle of nowhere in a desolate shack offering hair-care product, hadn't seemed completely trustworthy! Besides, it was that, or sleep in their now wreaked ship, that had crashed because… well, it had crashed, okay?
Well, the salesman had drugged them, and they were now currently looking at a rather ugly creature (Anakin couldn't memorize them all, and it had absolutely nothing to do with the Holonet races he had snuck under the desk, either) who was grinning at them.
" Well, what do we have here?" Oh, force, it was going to start gloating. Anakin hated the gloating. Every villain and Sep did the gloating. I have you here and let me describe my evil plan in minute detail to you and talk about how you just can't escape, because the key is right here, and there's no way you can ever… wait, what happened to my key… why are you climbing out of your bonds, wha- OWW!
Anakin was looking forward to the oww part however. Obi-Wan just looked annoyed. Being chained up could do that to someone. Really, these were probably more fit for a Twi'lek's tiny hands, than for his wrists. The alien leered at them.
"The Negotiator and the Hero with No Fear. Right under my grasp." Oh, force, it even had an evil laugh. Did every Sep attend the same Evil Academy, the kind that taught you how to monologue incessantly and laugh annoyingly and capture Jedi right before they got the chance to actually have some decent hair-product?
"Count Dooku will be mighty pleased to hear of this. Mighty pleased. " Oh, get to the point, you big lump.
Oops, did he say that out loud? Obi-Wan was glaring at him. He probably did. And the thing looked annoyed. Well, at least the monologueing was over.
" I think you should accord me a little respect." It smiled. It had very pointy teeth. "I'll comm Count Dooku and let him know the news, and then we can see about your manners, Mr. Skywalker." Oh, gosh, they probably took classes about the same cheesy intimidating lines, too. Was there no originality in villains nowadays?
"Well, nice going." Obi Wan's voice was dryer than a desert.
"What? It's not my fault that Separatists take forever to get to the point and go on and on and on…"
"Not what I meant."
"Okay, so maybe, I should have been a little more cautious about that travelling salesman with a really nice hut, and really good hair car product…"
"Anakin, Jedi do not need hair product. Jedi do not want hair product. Jedi do not give their Masters puppy eyes because a salesman claims-
"You're just jealous! Mace Windu made fun of your beard the other day anyway."
Obi Wan had opened his mouth, probably to lecture Anakin further but then he closed it.
"Did he really?" Poor Obi-Wan actually looked quite upset.
Anakin suddenly felt rather bad. " Well, I mean… aww, Master, he's just jealous. Because he lost all his hair when…"
"Don't you dare say it."
"I don't think Windu can hear us from here, Master.
"You never know, Anakin. You truly never know." And then Obi-Wan shuddered for emphasis.
"Okay. Moving on… how do we bust our way out? This is a wild-bantha chase, Master. We're can't complete the mission here."
"And more importantly, there's no hair product there."
"Are you ever going to let that go?" Anakin looked quite upset
"It's been two hours, Anakin!"
"Whatever."
Obi-Wan clearly wanted to stroke his beard. The fact that his arms were currently otherwise occupied clearly bothered him. " We need to find a way to get it to unlock us."
"Right."
"And after it frees us, we can sneak up from behind, knock it out with the Force, and find our lighsabers."
" And how Master are we going to get it to unfree us? It's already not too happy with me because I interrupted its evil monologueing!"
Obi-Wan shrugged. "Well, the gloating was getting unbearable."
"Thank you."
And just that opportune moment, a smaller version of that very ugly creature wandered in.
It looked confused. "Grandma? Who are they?"
Obi-Wan and Anakin stared at each other. "Grandma?"
It looked at them. Then it slimed up the stairs, yelling all the while "Grandma! Grandma!"
Obi-Wan suddenly looked much happier. "So it's a woman. Well, that makes this much simpler. Anakin you know what you must do."
Anakin swallowed. "No, Master. No."
She came back, shortly after Mini-Me raced up the stairs. Anakin and Obi-Wan had been partaking in a rather intense, vicious round of Jedi Stare-offs, though Obi-Wan's expression was really more of a smirk. This was interrupted and with as good a kick as Obi-Wan could manage, Anakin's attention was pulled back to the, did I mention, very ugly grandmother.
"Well, I called him. He's on his way to capture you now." She looked very happy about this.
Anakin gulped. The things he did for the Order. "Hey… I would like to apologize for my comment earlier. I actually think your monologueing is magnificent."
"Oh." She looked surprised. " Do you?"
"Oh, yes. Best I've ever heard." Lying through your teeth was a Jedi speciality.
"Well." Did she just blush. " I do practice it. Just in case it comes in handy."
"And that laugh. That evil laugh."
"Did you like it?"
"Did I like it? I loved it!"
"Thanks."
Anakin smiled. Or tried to smile. Same thing. "Hey, no hard feelings right? I mean you're trying to sell us to Count Dooku but… I mean, that was a great laugh."
The grandma seemed more relaxed now. Obi-Wan looked like he was either trying not laugh or mildly constipated. "No hard feelings. I actually really like you Jedi! What you do for the galaxy is really quite helpful. But… you know… bills. My grandson's Holonet games are not cheap!"
"Oh, well. That's good." Anakin now tried to put on his most winning smile, the kind that made Padmé roll her eyes and women swoon. "Because you know… I was just thinking, you look good for your age."
"Really?" Did she just giggle? "You really think so?"
"Of course… and your grandson?"
"Mark'al'o'kufra'minajorui"
"Yeah. Him. Adorable."
" I know." Her chest swelled with pride.
"Any way I could go say hi to him?"
"Well, why don't I bring him down here…" She looked hesitant.
"Oh, no. I want to see what Holonet games he has. You know." Anakin turned on the puppy eyes. "Before I'm Count Dooku's prisoner?"
"Oh" She appeared to deliberate for a little bit. "Alright, what's the harm?" She unlocked Anakins keys and bam- with the arts of the Jedi, Anakin was free and she was knocked out.
"Quick." Anakin unlocked Obi-Wan's chains. Their lightsabers were just on the second level, and the greatest Duo the Jedi had ever known raced upstairs. And then promptly tripped. On their very dignified Jedi robes.
"Ow." Anakin whined. "Can this day get any worse?"
"Oh, cheer up, Anakin. At least you didn't blow up a planet."
"Hey, I didn't blow it up, it just got a little smaller. Okay, yeah, I like that… it just got a little smaller."
"As in, completely, blown up."
"Now, as in… Oh, come on Obi-Wan, she's going to come to and either kill me or kiss me! And I'm not sure what's worse."
"Both outcomes sound fine to me." It almost sounded like he meant it.
Anakin pulled Obi-Wan up, and the two managed to retrieve their lightsabers successfully. The grandson, whose name Anakin did not remember, Ma'a-something was fortunately too busy playing those very expensive Holo-net games to notice that two Jedi had knocked out his grandmother, grabbed the lightsabers he was supposed to protect and were now sprinting out of the house. Anakin could sympathize.
"Wait, our craft's wrecked, remember" Obi-Wan shouted as soon as they barreled out of the house. Which was actually quite nice in a quite nice, suburban area, but Anakin didn't have time to admire it.
"Oh, yeah. We can just…" He looked in the house's driveway. "We can just borrow theirs."
Obi-Wan looked about ready to protest that borrowing space-ships was not the Jedi way despite being the owner having them delivered by a lying salesman, kidnapping them, and changing them up. But fortunately the sound of heavy footsteps inside the house seemed to change his mind.
"Sounds good to me!"
Anakin managed to open the space-craft and Obi-Wan had jumped in beside him. It was going to be a little rough going into open space with this thing, which was clearly meant mostly for grocery shopping and occasional trips to sister planets, but remembering how the granny had smiled at him, it was a risk Anakin was willing to take.
"Here we go." And they were off.
And hey, Anakin thought, as they entered space, it could be much worse despite running out of hair-care product, being kidnapped, and being forced to seduce a gross grandmother. He was alive, with his best friend, and they were shooting off into the night sky.
Okay, so maybe it wasn't such a bad day after all.
Fin