On an Ocean Breeze

We always said we'd go somewhere. Just the two of us. Take a break, maybe even a vacation…just as soon as things calmed down a little bit more. Just a little. We didn't ask for much. Just a tiny bit.

But it never came. Even after we ended up back on Cybertron and the Moons, it never came. Yet, it was so very close.

Our plans changed. They always changed and we understood that. Really, we did. This time, I was supposed to meet him here, on this beach. Today. Right now. Because at this point, we had our little bit.

But someone has a very sick and twisted sense of humor because here I am…all alone. And now, I could give two diodes for 'just a little bit' just so I'm not alone anymore. Not like this. There's a difference between being lonely and being alone. True, I get lonely sometimes…but that's fixable. Being alone like this…isn't.

I think there's a reason he picked today. It's a human holiday of sorts. One they like to call Valentine's Day. Now, I'm not pretending to totally "get" the whole thing about the human protoform flying around in a diaper and shooting folks with a bow and arrow. Not so much. But, if I remember this right, today is special for lovers. A special day set aside to show them you care. It sounds like something he'd set up. No one would believe me if I ever told them he was a romantic to the laser core. Never seein' that side of him and all, I can understand that. If you don't know, I can't expect you to get it.

Like I didn't expect this to hurt this badly. Just the thought that he's supposed to be here right now, chiding me for being late or something just as mundane…it feels like it's killing me. It's been killing me since the moment his spark went offline in that Primus-forsaken shuttle run. So, no…he's not here. I'm sitting in the sand, alone, just watching the waves as life goes on. Even if I don't want it to. And I'm powerless to stop it.

Sometimes, I feel him. Like he's right beside me. Like all I have to do is reach out and I'll find him again. But every time I reach out, every single time, he vanishes. Like smoke into the sky. I can't help but wonder if I'm just going insane or what. 'Aid tells me I'm fine, not any more insane than usual. Heh, 'Aid's a good kid. He tries to understand…and I appreciate it. I do. But he can't know what this is like. And I wouldn't wish this on Galvatron himself.

Because, you see, I can feel him. Right now. Just a soft touch, like the wind. I know it's him. I know, but I'm afraid to try to look, just in case. I don't want him to leave. I don't want him to vanish again. And if it means not seeing him with my own optics, so be it. Just so I know he's there and I'm not alone. I just look ahead, watching the waves, half afraid to move least I wake up from a dream. Why would I be afraid? Because now I really do thing I've lost my mind.

I know what my sensors say…they say that there's no one there. But my spark is telling me something completely different. I can feel the pressure. Just a ghost of a touch. It's been moving from one shoulder to the other across my back. He used to do that a lot. He'd be working and I'd just plunk down by his chair and wait. And he'd do this. I don't even think he realized he was doing anything for a while. He'd just trace his hand along my shoulders.

By Primus, this isn't fair. None of them should be gone. He shouldn't be gone. Selfish? Hell yeah. Just a little bit, remember? Just a tiny bit. A day on this beach. No work, no worries. Just the two of us.

There's a faint shadow in front of me…the tracing on my shoulders has stopped. I close my optics, I can't look. I can't. I just shake my head, trying to remind myself that no matter what my brain is coming up with, he's gone. He'll always be gone. Light pressure on my cheeks. Firm, just not solid. No. I won't look. I want him to stay even if this is the price.

I wish I could cry. I'd do it. Right here, right now, any and all pride be damned. I feel a touch over my visor, again, light like a breeze. I know what he wants, but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified that I'll wake up. I shake my head again but another, more insistent touch on my visor and I feel compelled to comply. I feel my fuel pump pound in my chassis, my air intakes hitch, and I very cautiously activate my optics…expecting absolutely nothing. Expecting proof that I've fried a circuit board somewhere. Expecting…anything except what I saw.

It was him. He was right in front of me, watching me. I wasn't dreaming? I had to be. He seemed translucent…half here, half not. But no , he can't be here because I saw him after--

I feel a pressure on my lips, effectively silencing even my thoughts of what I'd seen. The touch was light, warm, and soft like the wind. But the optics showed…everything. I saw pain, fear…regret…and love. I think my intakes froze. I could feel his light touches, across my face, down my arms and to my hands. I guess it was instinct that made me try to take his hand in mine, maybe just the need to hold on. But he just looked down at our hands and I did to. No matter how often my hands clinched to grasp his, they simply passed right through, only registering the feather light pressure. He looked back up at me, meeting my optics apologetically. I felt myself sigh, half remembering that my intakes were functioning again.

"You're late." I tell him, half a smile on my face. He seemed to visibly relax and exhale a breath. And he never made a sound.

"Promised." he mouthed.

I got ready to make a reply but his looked away quickly, like he'd heard something. I checked my sensors and came up with nothing. But just as quick as he looked away, he was back. The look in his optics was all I needed.

"You have to go?" I asked, my voice nearly a whisper.

He simply gave me a small nod before raising his hands to cup my face.

"I miss you." I told him. He gave me a small sad smile and leaned in, brushing his lips on mine for a moment before he pulled back. He touched a hand to his chest, right where his spark chamber would be, then placed that same hand on my own chest. I felt my own spark stir at the caress. I knew what he was trying to say.

"Love you too." I said. Primus, why did it feel like I was choking?

He was getting fainter by the moment. But I felt more than saw him lean in again, wrap his arms around my neck and just hug. It was an airy feeling, like a warm breeze wrapping itself around me. And I wanted to return it. So bad.

"Goodbye, Prowl." I rasped out, having to force my vocalizer to say the word.

I felt the touch fading as he vanished, but the voice I heard in my head was still clear.

"Only for now, Jazz."