I think this was actually the first story I wrote, but I took it off because I wanted to make it longer. I couldn't make it LONG-long, not unless I added a bunch of sappy, stupid, details that nobody needs anyway. So here it is.

Disclaimer: Any ASOUE characters that are at all mentioned belong to Lemony Snicket, WHOSE THIRTEENTH BOOK JUST CAME OUT! LET'S PARTY! YEAH!

Monty made himself a quiet cup of tea and sat beside the window, where rain pattered relentlessly, making anything outside blurred and unrecognizable. He could not think straight. Had the orphans been trying to tell him something? He dismissed the notion. Surely not...

He took a sip of his tea, savoring the bitter flavor of wormwood tea. Tea should be as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a two-edged sword, he thought happily. It was a favorite saying of his, along with several other volunteers. He sank back into the cushion of his chair, sighing as he thought of the old days before the schismhad begun.

His herpetology helped some with the pain of those memories, but now, with the rain splashing against the roof, he felt like an old has-been. So many memories. The death of his wife when their house burned down. The argument that caused Olaf and Esme to break away from V.F.D., along with several others.

Why does Stefano seem so familiar? he suddenly thought. He pushed it out of his mind.

He found himself wondering vaguely when Jacques would visit next. It would be a good time to show the Baudelaires the eye on Jacques's ankle and explain all about V.F.D., despite their parent's clear wishes.

And then he realized who Stefano actually was. "Oh no," he whispered. "Oh dear."

He sat up. "The orphans! I must save the orphans!"

From the darkness came a voice, startling him. "Well, you won't."

"Olaf," murmured Monty. "I wondered where you were."

"Oh, well done, Montgomery!" cackled Olaf, and stepped into the dim light of the moon shining through rain.

"I had no idea that we were on first-name terms," Monty said coldly.

"I was USING your LAST name, MONTGOMERY!" Olaf frowned. "Hey, you called me by my first name!"

Lemony Snicket stopped typing. Dang, he thought. I don't know Olaf's last name! He shrugged as an idea came to him and resumed typing.

"Not knowing your last name, I am forced to assume that Count is your first name and Olaf is your last," remarked Montgomery sharply.

In a high-piched voice, Olaf repeated: "Not knowing your past fame, I am forced to...ah..." He struggled with this for several seconds, then said, "Oh, it doesn't matter! Soon, the fortune will be mine, mine, MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Witht that, he yanked out one of those things that doctors use to give you a shot, which the author cannot at the moment remember the name of, and gave Monty two shots of snake poison on the neck.

With a short gurgle, Montgomery Montgomery slumped onto the floor and died.

Olaf grinned evilly and went back upstairs. There were orphans to watch.

Okay, I know I made the characters totally OC, but c'mon guys, I'm beggin' ya here! PLEASE R&R!!!!!

-TOF