July 24th
5:34 PM
The Files and Documents of Hermione Granger's Existence
Well, as you can tell from the title, I am Hermione Granger. And I have gone insane.
Why, do you ask, have I gone insane? Because I am writing in a journal. Well, TECHINICALLY, it is not a journal. Otherwise, I would have written "Dear Journal" at the top of the paper. Instead, I have devised my own special title. It's rather nice, if I do say so myself.
All right, back to my insanity,
I am proud to say that, until now, I have never attempted nor had the desire to start a journal. Journals are a waste of time that could be better spent making the world a better place. Or at least buying shoes.
Not that I would waste valuable time trying to pick out clothing for my FEET. Sneakers and Mary Janes are perfectly sensible shoes. I am always puzzled as to why other teenage girls insist on wearing those thin-heeled, spiky stilettos of doom they are always sporting on their bruised feet.
But I digress.
The reason I have gone insane is because, for some strange reason, everyone who I have ever known and trusted in my entire life apparently wants to make my life miserable. WHY do they want to make my life miserable? I don't know.
All I know is that a LOT LESS PEOPLE will be mentioned in my will in the future.
Let me start at the beginning.
When I returned home from my beloved school, Hogwarts for Witchcraft and Wizardry, I was very anxious to spend another calm and relaxing summer at home, spent chatting with my parents and catching up on homework.
But apparently my parents hate me. Because they invited my cousins Amy and Amelia and Amara to come stay at my house for two weeks. Amy, Amelia and Amara. THE TRUMVIRATE FROM HELL!
They are not normal cousins who come over and chat and watch T.V. with you. Oh no. They are a group of annoyingly perky triplets with peroxide-blonde hair and surgically enhanced body parts. I am always asking them whether their mother slips Prozac into their orange juice because they seem to always have seemingly UNENDING amounts of energy.
And their favorite thing to do when they come over? Insult ME.
"OH-MY-GOD! Your HAIR! What is this? WHAT IS THIS?" (Grabs handful of my hair.)
"This is not normal hair. This is a bird's nest on crack."
"Umm…are your boobs naturally that flat?"
"No! They couldn't be! I mean, her hair is horrible and her clothes are atrocious and she DEFINITELY needs some make-up tips. All that and flat-chested TOO? God wouldn't be so cruel."
I wish that they could just stop BADGERING me and leave my bushy-haired, flat-chested self alone.
But there was one thing they said that got to me. When I screamed at them for the fourth time that the reason why I didn't wear make-up was because it wasn't sensible, Amara said something back that hit a nerve.
"You're always trying to be SENSIBLE. That's all I ever hear from you. SENSIBLE, SENSIBLE, SENSIBLE. You never do anything FUN! You're going to end up an old spinster living in some wooden cottage in the Adirondacks and you're gonna die alone and your 500 cats are gonna eat your corpse."
THANK YOU, Amara, for that wonderful bout of optimism. You're just a ray of sunshine aren't you?
But then I started wondering whether she was right. What if I AM trying to hard to be sensible? What if I never allow myself to fully live my life? Am I going to end up regretting my entire existence?
AM I BORING?
I was so upset over this that I decided to owl one of my best friends, Ron Weasely, and ask him whether or not he thought I was boring. I expected some support. I expected a little comforting. I expected him to say that the triplets were crazy and that I was a wild rebel that lived on the edge everyday. But that was NOT what I received from him.
Dear Hermione,
DUH! That's what I've been telling you every single year. Your cousins are right. You need to live a little. Get your nose out from behind that stupid Hogwarts, A History and have some bloody fun! It's like the Latin phrase: carpet dim!
Ron
It's carpe diem. CARPE DIEM! Honestly, he can't even say a simple Latin phrase correctly. CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM? I ask for a little support and he's completely against me. I hope he suffers! Oh dear. I shouldn't have said that. Now I've gone and jinxed Ron.
Something bad will happen to him. Like he'll explode. gasp That's it. He'll explode. When I visit the Burrow during the end of summer, he'll be just a puddle of intestines and red hair.
Oh I hope he doesn't explode too soon. He still has my Weird Sister's C.D.
After a long and decisive deliberation, I have come to the conclusion that I am going to be a rebel. I am not going to fritter away my life. I have spent far too much time trying to achieve good grades and being ahead of everyone. I haven't taken the time to enjoy my existence. I will LIVE. LIVE I SAY!
As Ron says: CARPET DIM!
Hermione Granger
July 24th
10:23 PM
The Files and Documents of Hermione Granger's Existence
So, last I had left off, I was having this grand epiphany on me becoming a heartless babe magnet. Oh wait. I can't be a babe magnet because that would imply that I was a lesbian. Which I am certainly not. Viktor Krum is blatant proof of that. So I will be a heartless boy magnet. Yes, that's it.
I've devised a perfect, foolproof plan on my becoming a rebel. It's all neatly organized into a list. I've put a lot of thought into it. Here it is:
1) Change my appearance.
After all, you cannot just change your personality like THAT. You need time. Preparation. You must first look the part. I've decided to leave that up to my cousins. They'll probably be overjoyed at the prospect of making me into…well…one of them. Dear Lord, I'm shuddering right now at the images.
2) Stop being so uptight about certain things. Be more open-minded.
When my female roommates, (Padma, Parvati and Lavender) ask me to join them in their daily gossip and make-up sessions, I will agree. And I will NOT, repeat I will NOT be, in any way, scathing, sarcastic or condescending when in their presence.
I'm sure that deep down that all three of them are intellectual and introspective hu-
I'm sorry. I couldn't finish that sentence without bursting out into laughter.
3) Do one thing that you've never done before at least once every two weeks.
I have made up this rule for the sole reason that I need to help gain experience in my life. Yes, I know. That is rich coming from a girl that has almost been strangled by Devil's Snare, petrified by a huge, poisonous snake-monster, flown on the back of a hippogriff whilst trying to free a supposed murder from the tower of her school, went to a ball with one of the most revered Quidditch players of her time, and battled an army of Deatheaters in the Department of Mysteries.
But whatever. I'm sure that could happen to anyone.
4) Get in O in all my N.E.W.T.'s.
Sorry. I couldn't help but add that in as the last rule. Well did you expect me to change EVERYTHING about myself? I can get full scores on tests, finish all my homework, participate in class, take notes, AND be a rebel at the same time. I'm excellent at multitasking.
Hermione Granger