Disclaimer: Star Trek: Enterprise is the property of Paramount; I am just borrowing the characters and setting for a little while.
I am new to the Star Trek Enterprise universe, having been without a television since the year 2000. The Dvd's were a recent acquisition and have inspired me to rewrite canon.
This takes place at the end of the 2nd series, the beginning of the third and into Similitude. My series departs from canon and is admittedly AU… as many are. I plan to flesh out the truncated portions of this piece later. This is just to further the story to get it where I need to go in the next 2 parts.
By the way, this hasn't been beta'd, this is my fourth submission after being away from writing for 15 years. Reviews are welcome.
The two men sat drinking at the bar of the empty executive lounge; Archer drinking scotch, Tucker his customary bourbon. They were killing time until the crew returned to the ship from Earth leave; they discussed the recent attack on Earth and their assignment in the Expanse. They brainstormed on ways to go about finding the species that was planning to return to destroy the Earth according to the Suliban time agent. The Vulcan ambassador, Soval, had seen to it that they understood the danger that lay ahead and what the effects of the expanse would be on Vulcan minds. Trip became worried that the Vulcan XO was taking a huge risk in joining them... but then they all were. Earth wasn't her home... she didn't need to put herself in danger like they did. Worry started to eat away at him, worry for her, worry for their unborn child.
Soon their discussion became more philosophical. A discussion regarding dirty limericks about the table of elements and the mechanics of keeping a strapless gown on started them both laughing til tears ran down their faces. They had had way too much to drink... but hadn't gotten to the point of no return quite yet. Their quarters weren't that far away and they both knew the skeleton crew still on the ship would lend a hand if necessary to help them find their way back to their bunks. There was always a floor to crash on or a table to pass out over. At this point the Captain and his chief engineer were commiserating about their Vulcan XO and the chances that she would return to join them for their trek into the Expanse.
* * * *
The chief engineer was the first to put his foot in his mouth.
"I don't want her to come with us into the Expanse...none of her non-interference crap..." As soon as the words left Trip's lips, he realized how stupid it sounded. It was the booze and his grief talking. Pain and anger kept overriding any logic he had. It was like a thin wash of red all over everything he saw. He wanted revenge for the death of his sister and he wanted it now. Everything else had diminished into the distance, too small to see behind the agony of his loss. His mind went to the real reason he was shutting her out.
I don't want to watch her die. It would destroy me. I lost Lizzie, I am not losing her too. At least if she lives on Vulcan, there's a chance our daughter will survive this.
The pain of going into the Expanse without T'Pol re-opened as a raw wound. He hadn't really understood until now that there was a good chance she wouldn't come back. He kept his head down to keep Jonathan from seeing the rise of red in his neck and face. He desperately wanted her to stay... but not at the expense of her life. He'd put up with the pain of saying goodbye first.
"We'll do whatever it takes, Trip."
Archer lifted his glass of Scotch, drained it and poured another shot. He paused, glanced over at his friend and cocked his head to one side. "You can't mean that about not wanting her with us. T'Pol has done so much for you, you owe her some consideration."
"Right at this moment I just want to forget she exists. It's going to be hard enough to go on without her here." He decided to put it all out there and lay his cards on the table.
It wasn't just T'Pol; it was that tiny bundle of cells he had come to know as his daughter. Phlox had assured him she was safer in cryo bank on the ship than she would be on Earth if they failed in their mission and Earth was destroyed. Heavy shielding around their DNA samples and the independent life support system of the cryo pod would ensure her survival despite the cold of space if there was a hull breach. Trip believed she would become his reason for living if all else deserted him. Elizabeth had been conceived on the same day that his sister died. It made her life all the more precious to him.
"I don't want to see T'Pol die, Jon, pure and simple. If she comes with us, I'm afraid I'll lose her forever. I want her to stay on Vulcan, she'll be safe there. When someone means this much, it's easier to just say goodbye for now rather than forever." He reconsidered his sudden bout with honesty. "Jon, can you not say anything to anyone about this?"
"I have watched you two for quite awhile. I'll keep this confidential, Trip, Starfleet doesn't have to know."
"It's been like this ever since I met her 3 years ago. I'm telling you this as my friend... not as my boss."
"I'll keep it to myself." He poured another shot of bourbon out of the second bottle for his friend. "You met 3 years ago? "
"Yeah, it was almost mystical. I had been working day and night at Starfleet getting the Enterprise ready for warp trials. I planned to move into the barracks as soon as Natalie moved her stuff out of the apartment and I could turn in the keys. I was through with my wife. I just couldn't stand her emotional abuse and told her it was over. And then I met T'Pol."
"You never said anything."
"There wasn't anything to say. I had no clue who she was and at first I doubted she even existed. I remember the first time I saw her. Natalie and I were down on Fisherman's Wharf late one night. We were screaming at each other. I had thrown her out again. She followed me down to the wharf; the waves were crashing over us. I felt like the ocean was this reflection of what I felt. She blamed me for everything she did. It's not like I held a gun to her head and made her cheat, you know?"
"Yeah, I remember how volatile that relationship was. I thought it would destroy you when she..."
Trip looked up from his drink to cut off that thought with a look and resettled in his chair. He nodded and leaned back. "Picture it. Out on the wharf in the dark, the waves crashing over us; the lights were flickering and shorting out from the salt spray. There was a woman sitting on a bench, hidden in the shadows. I only saw her once she got up and walked past me. She was wearing a green scarf to cover her hair and ears, she was wearing red silk and soaked to the skin… the light hit her face, it was T'Pol." He paused and shook his head. "She was just inches away when I noticed her... all of a sudden all I could see were her eyes, she was magnificent. Any thoughts about Natalie disappeared at that moment. I stopped screaming at my wife and simply followed T'Pol. I was dumbstruck. Natalie tried to get my attention but I wasn't hearing anything she said. She just didn't exist anymore. I followed T'Pol back to the Embarcadero, but lost her in the crowd just before she got to the Vulcan Compound. Natalie moved out the next day, she never spoke to me again."
Archer was envious that his friend had had such an epiphany. "T'Pol made that big of an impact?"
Trip nodded. "Yeah… and I saw her again the day after I first saw her on the wharf. T'Pol showed up with the Vulcan delegation, big as life. I was shocked when I recognized her and I realized I had fallen for a Vulcan. I hadn't even spoken to her. Anyway she started showing up every day. She was patronizing and snotty and that "know it all". We bickered all the time and I enjoyed every minute of it. None of the other Vulcans verbally sparred with me, just T'Pol. She took this interest in my career and my ideas about furthering the warp program. I would look up from working on relays, the warp core or even talking with my buddies and she would be watching me. I even saw her at the 602 Club when I was chasing Rosie, the waitress down there. At first I blew it off… but she really made me wonder why she seemed to always be there."
He sighed. "As i got to know her, I realized she was way older than me in years. But she looked and acted so young; I started to think of her as some kid that needed to be protected."
"I bet it was a shock for you that she was stationed onboard Enterprise." Archer didn't tell him that T'Pol had specifically lobbied to remain on Enterprise after her initial stay onboard. No other Vulcan had ever requested posting on a human starship before. T'Pol had wanted to be on this ship for a particular reason. He began to suspect he knew precisely what that reason was and it was sitting in front of him.
"You can't imagine... she always seemed really interested in my mind and the way I think. Not like any one I ever met. It was like brain candy. Our intellectual arguments would last for hours. She had this thing about logic and one step leading to another. I was all intuitive leaps skipping the stuff in the middle because I knew it so well. She would even write it down and quantify it as I described my theories and applications. No one has ever done that before." He sighed. "I began to forget about how beautiful she was. All I could see was this mind that shared so much with mine. I had found someone that understood me and how I think." He paused. "We've gone on to share a lot of things I never imagined I would share with another person. Jon, I've always felt very much alone intellectually. You wouldn't believe how important that is to me. Now I just don't want to see her die and have to say goodbye. I lost Lizzie... I don't want to lose her too." He silently added... and my daughter.
They both fell silent. Archer poured another shot. He had never considered that Trip would feel so distanced from his peers. He didn't know how the engineer could have kept all this bottled up for so long. Then again Trip had had real attitudes about the Vulcans and because of what he had to go through to see their engine fly. He had done a 180 turn from 2 years ago... at least about this one Vulcan.
"There is one thing I did want to talk with you about, Trip."
"And that is...?"
"I'd rather have you as XO than T'Pol. Logic isn't going to win this thing with the Xindi, passion will. But I also know that you are Earth's leading warp engineer. Putting you in the XO position would rob us of that edge. No one else can do what you do. If T'Pol doesn't come back, I'll be asking Starfleet for another XO. It's no reflection on you and your skills. There is just no one more suited to the position of chief engineer than you. I also don't think we will succeed with T'Pol in the command chair if anything happens to me. If she decides to return to the ship and I don't make it back, she'll need your input, guidance and support. It's going to put you in an awkward position, Trip. I want you to work as a unit, you balance each other. But I am betting that she chooses to stay."
"Understood, Captain. Actually, its better that I am not your XO, Lizzie's death has put me in a deep hole. Until I manage to crawl out, running the engineering department is going to be more than I can handle. I may need the XO's help as well. When will we hear if she's coming back?"
"She's at the Vulcan consulate now talking to Soval. He's been told to convince her to withdraw from her position here and return to Vulcan. He doesn't think she will listen."
"He knows her pretty well. She's one mule headed Vulcan. Her assignment was only supposed to last a week... and its 2 years later and she's still here. I keep wondering why she has hung on so long." Trip shook his head.
Archer smiled as he watched his friends face and then got real interested in his drink. Trip had no clue about why T'Pol stayed. It was typical of him, all brilliance and no ego.
"Hear anything from Hoshi?" Trip asked.
"She's not doing well; she's lost a lot of people close to her. The university where she taught is gone. She just received confirmation her man-friend is now a casualty. That's one of the things she's doing down there, making sure she can close the door on the past. She never planned to be out in space this long. Malcolm is there to provide moral support."
"And to be there in case she finally wises up about his feelings for her. She doesn't know he plans to pursue her once she's over her grief." Trip grinned.
Archer leaned back. "She's packing up the rest of her belongings to put into storage last I heard. Malcolm said before he left he was going with her to help with the heavy lifting. After she fainted on the bridge he's been sticking to her like glue. He says she needs someone she knows near by in case she cracks. I get the impression he has the potential of deep feelings for her."
"Yeah, I wanted to push the two of them into each other. It wouldn't take much of a shove. It's not so much Hoshi… she was waiting to get back to teaching and for all we knew they would never see each other again. T'Pol said that Hoshi planned to break things off with the guy. Now that he's gone, she has to make some choices. If she returns to Enterprise, things can be different for them. The way she looks at Malcolm makes you wonder. And Malcolm is so shy around her… very different from the guy that had quite the reputation as a lady's man in Frisco. But you get to know him and he's got the self esteem of a snail. He's afraid he's going to be rejected and is setting the bar so high he had no hopes of ever attaining what he wanted. I think he believed that it was safe to fall for Hoshi because she would never want him. Now she's free and he's not feeling so safe anymore."
"I know. I know that Starfleet has a no fraternization policy but Malcolm and Hoshi aren't in the same chain of command just like you and T'Pol aren't since she's not Starfleet. It wouldn't be unexpected if they turned to each other for support. We all need someone. As soon as Erica gets her own ship and is promoted to Captain, she and I can sit down together to talk about what we want. That is if we get back in one piece."
"It almost sounds like you're giving your permission for relationships between your command staff."
"You're allowed to think what you want. Relationships are okay so long as they are discreet and no one complains to me about them." Archer got up out of his chair and stretched. He picked up the partly empty bottle of scotch, walked to the door and turned back at the last moment. "Remember it was on my order that your quarters got moved next to T'Pol's." He grinned down at his chief engineer and winked. "I'm heading back to my quarters while I can still walk unaided."
The door slid closed behind him leaving Trip speechless.
* * * *
A week later T'Pol returned from Earth and went straight to her quarters. She then disappeared into the Captain's ready room. Raised voices were heard and the Captain had emerged looking smug. He let it be known that the Vulcan intended to stay onboard. This succeeded in adding fuel to the gossip mill surrounding her attachment to the chief engineer. Pretty much the entire crew knew why she had returned… except for the Commanders themselves.
* * * *
Leaving for Earth had been a necessary step in resigning from the Vulcan High Council. Returning to the ship had been a relief after days spent in the council chambers. During the weeks following his sister's death T'Pol had stayed with Trip nights and helped to dispel the worst of the shock of his loss. But she was recalled to Earth for 2 weeks and he was left alone to do battle with his nightmares. T'Pol was not prepared for what she found when she returned. Trip had isolated himself from everyone including her. He was bitter and cynical, lashing out at everyone. He immersed himself in his work instead of dealing with his feelings of rage and loss. This wasn't who Trip was and she attributed it to his loss. If only she hadn't left, she could have helped prevent this. More than once she had seen him meandering back to his quarters after drinking too much with his co-workers. She lost herself in her job, increased her meditation time, spent time with Hoshi and Malcolm and worked very hard at staying away from the one man she couldn't do without.
* * * *
The chief engineer awoke from a nightmare with heart pounding and in a panic. He kept having images of his sister Lizzie and the manner of her death. He left his quarters and made his way down to Sickbay. Phlox had begun to limit medication to every other night. The dreamless sleep he usually received had been a welcome relief from the constant nightmares and panic attacks. However the doctor feared Trip was becoming dependent on something he should be able to do without. He would have urged grief counseling... but there was no one on the ship with the expertise. Trip would have to learn to depend on the help of his friends to dispel the cloud that hung over him.
Phlox tried to sound helpful after refusing to give him the requested drugs. "Commander, I have one option that's not that repugnant."
"What is it?"
"There is one non-pharmaceutical treatment for nightmares that is available to you. Our Commander T'Pol is quite adept at Vulcan neuro-pressure." He knew he would have to persuade the Commander to agree any way he could. "It would cause the release of your body's endorphins and give you the same type of relief you seek with the hypo-sprays. I am sure she could be persuaded to perform it for you. She's done it for other crewmembers when they've needed it with exceptional results. It would take about an hour before bed. "
"An hour? Just give me the shot and I can be done with this."
"The medications are beginning to interfere with your ability to do your job during the day, Commander. We can't afford to have you groggy if we have more alerts. It's a directive from the Captain. He was quite clear that medication in large doses isn't an option for any member of the crew, not just you. Please think about it, Commander." Phlox made a resigned motion with his hands.
"Captain's orders? I'd say no otherwise. But I'd still like to think about it." With that the engineer strode out of the room. It wasn't that he wouldn't love having the procedure. He just had no intentions of allowing T'Pol near him. It was bad enough he was in love with her. Letting her touch him now would just leave him that much more frustrated than he already was. Being so close to her would undo the emotional distance he had worked so hard to create during her time away on Earth. Trip was afraid of all this rage he felt since Lizzie's death and he wouldn't allow himself to direct it at her. If there was one thing he was scared of it was his own anger and how out of control he could get. She was too beautiful to be treated badly and he wasn't about to take the chance of losing her.
* * * *
In the past, Phlox had approached T'Pol more than once regarding giving neuro-pressure for the crew. She had agreed when the crewman was female but had refused when they were male. Every Vulcan child is taught neuro-pressure at an early age in preparation for eventual marriage. It was used strictly between couples to encourage the formation of the marriage bond. The act of stimulating neural nodes was considered the ultimate intimacy. On a planet where emotion was suppressed and overt expression was discouraged, neuro-pressure took the place of comfort, courtship and foreplay.
The doctor approached her when she came to sick bay for yet another headache. This time the designated recipient would be none other than Commander Tucker. She assumed that Phlox was simply pushing them back together after it became obvious they had drifted apart. Giving the Commander neuro-pressure would be an entirely appropriate exercise considering she had chosen him to be her mate a few months ago.
She had agreed… however Phlox told her she would have to get Trip to give in to getting help. He had been totally closed off to the suggestion when the Doctor had discussed it with him and had only acquiesced to thinking about it when he was told that the Captain had nixed any further medication increases. This order by the Captain was to stand for the duration of the current assignment and Phlox had cited the need for crew to have their full capacities at all times. Phlox had intimated that she would have more influence with him than he would. She had no issue with providing the treatment… but she somehow had to get through that wall Trip had built around himself.
* * * *
T'Pol watched Trip as he moved through his weight training session in the gym. There was so much rage built up in his body, he barely contained the grimaces that would cross his face from time to time. If she could get him to give vent to his rage in a controlled manner, his old self would reemerge once the rage came under his control. She discussed martial arts techniques and her plan for Trip with Malcolm and Hoshi. There were old oriental disciplines that channeled rage into more constructive channels through directed, controlled battle. They agreed to help her with her plan and T'Pol, Hoshi and Malcolm diverted Trip one night after his shift, getting him down to the gym. Trip had responded to their mock battle better than they had hoped and by the third session he agreed to at least allow an attempt at neuro-pressure. He agreed that soothing his aching muscles after the workouts was a worthy enough cause. The physical exertion coupled with the mental training was releasing enough endorphins to make him feel more in control.
Returning to her quarters T'Pol had Trip seat himself in front of her with his shirt off and his back to her. She touched his neck, but he started at her cold hand and turned round for a moment to give her that death stare he used on the boys in Engineering. He swiveled back around…she touched his neck and froze. She assumed that he had avoided her because she had abandoned him. She pushed on the neural cluster at the base of his spine. His thoughts rang clear. He had avoided this form of intimacy because he was afraid he might lose control of his all consuming rage. He was afraid he might strike out at her and hurt her unintentionally. His anger was being fueled by this passion for her in a circular fashion and it was for this reason he had closed himself off. He didn't want to make her a target for something he couldn't control. He valued her too much to take chances with their relationship.
She sat back and thought for a moment. She began working the nodes in his lower back governing the reduction of rage and passion. Instead of using them to heighten the sex drive as mates would do, she deactivated the nodes to soothe and decrease it. Trip began to visibly relax, his breathing became less harsh and his face softened. Soon she allowed him to crumple onto the meditation pillows fast asleep. She made him comfortable, removed his clothing, covered him with a blanket and placed a pillow under his head. She dressed for bed and began her mediations with Trip asleep at her feet. She left him there on the floor for the first full night's natural sleep he had had since she left for Earth.
* * * *
Trip woke the next morning in T'Pol's quarter to the sound of the shower running. Quickly he did an inventory of the events of the night before and was pleased that the neuro-pressure had not only worked to help him sleep but also reduced the rage he had felt a captive of since Lizzie died. He called through the bathroom door to T'Pol.
"Hey I am heading back to my quarters. Thanks for last night. We'll talk tonight, okay." There was a muffled positive reply and he let himself out and returned to his quarters for a shower before heading out on his shift.
That day Engineering staff noticed that Trip was functioning better than he had in a month. Gossip circulated that he hadn't gone back to his quarters the night before and was seen coming out of the XO's quarters that morning. Knowing looks passed between staff. All was well with the world. The Commanders were at least talking again, and his staff was reaping the benefits of a much calmer boss.
* * * *
Neuro-pressure and their mock battles in the gym became Trip's savior during the weeks to come. He slept better and was more able to process his grief than he could have imagined. The sting of losing his kid sister began to lessen and he got to the point of being able to say goodbye. Work got easier and his relationship with T'Pol returned to its former comfort level. She began teaching him meditation on alternating nights and he had become an apt pupil, working through the levels quickly and efficiently. She taught him the neuro-pressure postures and he began to perform each posture on her until it became second nature. He worked the nodes with delicacy and an intuitive sense for what she needed. They both thoroughly enjoyed the time they spent together. He seemed to have no more fear that he would inadvertently target T'Pol and had actually come to some sense of peace.
* * * *
Hoshi and Malcolm's relationship began to evolve as their martial arts training progressed. He taught her Klingon fighting meditation. She taught him Aikido. Working out together seemed to allow them to interact without Malcolm becoming shy and tongue tied. Hoshi attacks on Malcolm became more aggressive as she gained confidence in his response. He reciprocated with equal passion. Tactical was the area he felt most comfortable with and he began to relate this comfort with being around Hoshi. Hoshi, in turn, became more confident that any feelings she had developed for Malcolm were reciprocated. Her only problem was getting him to admit it.
Trip and T'Pol continued taking part only because Hoshi asked them to. She felt that having 3 workout partners was drawing Malcolm out of his shell. He had developed a friendship with Trip before but now they seemed to have become best friends, something that seemed to irritate T'Pol. She had no idea why.
On weekends Trip and Hoshi had some sort of standing appointment, T'Pol assumed it had something to with linguistics however neither one would discuss what it was in particular they did on those nights. They were actually working on teaching Trip to read Vulcan.
Then came the loss of the Selaya. Exposure to trellium D had driven the Vulcan crew insane, ultimately causing the loss of the ship and all the lives onboard. T'Pol had been assigned to the Selaya at one time and saw how Trellium made all her crew mates unrecognizable. She had been taught all her life to fear emotions for their power and came to understand why Vulcan had nearly destroyed itself. T'Pol herself had been effected deeply by the exposure to the element and she finally understood Trip's fear of his own rage and passion. She had finally experienced that untamed state he was quite familiar with and it had been more than exhilarating... it had been an epiphany. At first her emotions had been hard to control but she came to embrace them and even reveled in them. When the effects began to wear off, dissatisfaction with her life and her perceived short comings began to nibble at her mind. She became driven to unearth her emotions. However she had not counted on one small detail about herself... the mating bond that had begun as a result of the physical closeness and mutual desire between her and Trip.
It began as an irrational thought but it was strong and insistent. The bond understood the needs of the two that had joined and it reached out to a new means to an end that had just become available. Trellium was the perfect tool to loosen her neural inhibitions and propagate the emotions it needed to utilize to complete the human/Vulcan connection. The bond took control and she began to experiment with ingesting the neurotoxin. She would eventually be driven to develop a method of injecting the drug straight into her bloodstream. She rationalized her need and the bond lulled her into believing there would be no lasting effects. The bond's only concern was for its own protection.
* * * *
Hoshi began to turn to T'Pol for friendship as an outgrowth of the relationship that developed after the deaths of those close to her in the Xindi attack. She started to give T'Pol a better understanding of the emotion humans labeled love and had helped the Vulcan to realise that while Vulcans felt the emotions, they had no words to describe them. T'Pol could very well be in love with Trip. ButT'Pol had no experience identifying one specific strong positive emotion from another. She had been taught to simply distance herself from her own emotional need and take refuge in logic as the justification. It was enlightening to T'Pol to see that she wasn't wholly inadequate, she had just lacked the experience that all humans had... a parent that reflected and identified emotions for their child helping that child to quantify and regulate their own emotions. Human children were taught to self sooth instead of discount and suppress. Her internal structure was such that logic became the organizing factor of her thoughts and desires. Her emotions remained just one large mass to be squeezed away from everything else.
With Trip's help she began experiment and learned to relate neuro-pressure with the categorization of emotion and could feel each node relieve or heighten specific emotions as they were activated. He had become so well acquainted with his own internal structure, both intellectual and emotional, he became invaluable in helping her reorient herself to the world of emotion. She learned about herself as she was reflected in this man's eyes.
But soon this idyllic scene morphed into a nightmare reality.
Trip had fallen in engineering and was likely to die from a brain injury. A clone had been propagated that would eventually have his face, personality and memories. T'Pol didn't have the strength to handle the depth of her grief for the man she had come to have a strong affinity for. She fell into deep depression.
* * * *
Later on during the day of the accident T'Pol requested permission to leave the bridge.
"Excuse me, captain. I have to go to sickbay. I will return in an hour."
"Sure, T'Pol, take your time. Headache?"
"Yes, captain. I'll be back in an hour." The only ache she had was in her heart and no medication could dispel it. Once in the turbo-lift she leaned against the wall. Since when had life been so hard? All she wanted to do was sit and watch Trip's lip move as he talked, run her fingers through the fine hair on his chest and make love until she couldn't think anymore. And now she was on the edge of losing him.
"E deck, please." The lift moved and the door swung back. She straightened.
The gym doors were to her right. She walked through them and made a quick left into the empty locker room. She overrode the lock on Trip's locker with her exec code. Reaching in she grabbed the sweat stained red Florida Gators tee shirt she had seen him throw in his locker early that morning and pushed the door shut. She heard footsteps coming from the gym and fled back into the hallway and to the turbo-lift. She put her nose to the shirt and drank in Trip's scent. Her hand gripped the shirt tighter as she fled back to her quarters.
* * * *
The surgery went slowly, methodically. First Phlox moved to the body on the left, it lay face down on the surgical frame. The staff was in motion for about 15 minutes and then they stepped away. The body was moved to a gurney. Phlox drew a sheet over the body to indicate there had been a transition and the remains were wheeled away and taken into a dark room adjoining the surgery. The door was closed. A second body was moved from the side to the center of the room, again laid face down on the surgical frame.
Work began in earnest.
* * * *
Watching with tired eyes and gaunt expression, T'Pol sat in the waiting room outside surgery, occasionally glancing at reports and making notations on the PADD in her lap. She sometimes paid attention when a movement caught her eye beyond the glass but otherwise she alternated between her work and gazing at the man on the table. A door opened and closed behind her. A hand was placed on her shoulder and she felt a squeeze. The hand was quickly withdrawn.
"Anything I can do?"
"I'm alright, Captain. It's really up to the medical team now. I know Phlox said this was routine once the tissue is excised but Trip's a friend, this can't be routine for him. He wants so much for this to succeed. Not just for Trip's sake but for Sim's... to make his sacrifice worthwhile."
Archer had no response to that and cleared his throat.
"I came to be with you for the next few hours. I didn't think you needed to be alone at a time like this."
Archer wondered what to say to someone that won't admit to emotions. What could she be thinking right now?
"Want to talk? This hasn't been easy for you. I've seen you in sickbay at all hours reading to him in your off time." Archer reached for a subject he had always been curious about. "I have been meaning to ask you. Trip said you had met before you came aboard Enterprise. I'd love to hear that story."
"I see no harm in discussing past history, Captain. Bear in mind I was much less experienced with humans then than I am now. I was a different person." She stood and stepped to the glass crossing her arms in front of her. "The first time I saw the Commander was 3 years ago. I had been down to the pier at Fisherman's Wharf to watch a storm come in off the bay. The waves were spectacular. We have nothing similar to them, Captain. You have no idea of the beauty of your planet. I was sitting in the shadows watching the people walk past. I was enjoying the sheer power of the waves crashing over me. I had disguised myself so no one that passed me could tell I was Vulcan."
"I heard the voices of 2 people screaming at one another as they walked towards me. The woman kept chasing this man farther and farther out onto the pier where I sat, under the worst of the storm waves. He was as soaking wet as I was and was in obvious pain and it was etched on his face. I got up to leave and give them their privacy, but as I passed under the light I turned right into him. We nearly collided. Our eyes met. I was riveted to the spot. It was Trip. I knew him immediately."
"How could have known who he was?"
"Captain, I was on the committee overseeing the Enterprise warp trials and was well acquainted with the Commander's dossier. Though I have never met him in person, I was familiar with his picture. I added to his dossier each time he modified and perfected the specs necessary to achieve warp 5. His achievements are extraordinary."
"Then it wasn't by accident that you came aboard this ship."
"No Captain, it was not an accident. I knew you weren't a stupid man, you knew I was here for a reason."
"You kept staying longer and longer. At first it seemed to be just coincidence but you started spending more and more time in engineering. There had to be something there that drew you. I figured it was Trip."
"That night on the pier was life changing for me. He was so passionate and full of life. The woman he was with was pale by comparison. The next day I applied to join the supervisory crew and began to take a more active part in his development." She glanced down at her hands clenched in front of her. "I suppose in some ways it was fortuitous, that meeting on the pier. I knew of his work on warp drive application but only in an abstract manner. Meeting him was... exhilarating. I have worked to stay near him ever since. For a brilliant engineer, he lacks the conceit that goes with giftedness. I doubt he even imagined that anyone could be enamored with his mind."
"You're right, he lacks conceit. He has a lot of responsibility on his shoulders that he never imagined he would have to bear. You two share a great deal that others are envious of. You do know that? What you two have is a valuable commodity in the human world."
"It is almost non-existent on the Vulcan. My parents had it when I was a child. I knew I had no chance of having that "something" with my betrothed."
"Then what are you afraid of?"
"I do not feel fear… no, that's not true, I just can't admit to feeling fear. Sim said the same thing when he finally told me of his and Trip's deep feelings for me. He asked me not to be frightened. I have come to understand with time that I have not identified many of the emotions I do have properly. I believe one I feel for Trip is respect, another is connectedness, a third would be fondness. Vulcans are governed by rules, expectations and biology. To have the heart involved is an event that I have come to understand is quite rare. We Vulcans know our minds. We are not so well acquainted with our needs for intimacy and emotional connection."
Archer smiled and said, "Humans are the other way round. We have a full range of emotions, we identify them each and have ready access to them. We go out on a limb for the smallest reason when it comes to the one we love. We vacillate between logical and illogical decisions. Love is not logical for us." He paused for effect. "T'Pol, you're here because you want to be here. I'm just saying this because Trip is my friend. You two need to work this out between you. You are still on Enterprise only because of Trip by your own admission. The only reason he's still alive is you and your help through the death of his sister. Doesn't the fact you continue to choose to be near him speak to your level of need?"
T'Pol was silent. She watched as the surgeon closed the wound and applied the final sutures.
"I do not know, Jonathan. I ran away and came back over and over... and he was always waiting. I was afraid that someday he wouldn't be there. And then... he was dying and I faced the loss of something I had come to regard like breathing itself."
She fell silent again, watching the movement of body from surgical frame to biobed. Trip was wheeled out of the sterile room and into recovery.
"I keep hoping Trip will make the decision for me. I find that I am frozen in place by something I don't understand. Perhaps I simply need someone to push me into him." She looked up at the tall man before her and straightened her shoulders. "Pardon me, Captain. I need to go to him. I promised to be there when he wakes up." She moved past the captain and went into the next room.
Archer said softly after she closed the door. "Promised who, T'Pol, promised who?"
* * * *
Bright lights… headache.
Muffled noises… Trip could hear Phlox talking to his pets in the background.
This must be Sickbay...again
Cotton mouth… ohhh, muscles were stiff and refused any attempts to move.
Why does this always happen to me?
Okay, Tucker. How did you get here?
He tried to think on how he managed to knock himself silly. His head hurt worse than that time he got in a bar fight and some waitress had hit him with a full beer bottle. He winced at the memory… and remembered his mama's reaction when she arrived at the ER…a fractured skull and a cranky Tucker. Not a good combination.
That warp injector test… failed… and an explosion. He remembered flying through the air, thinking this can't be good and then pain.
"Phlox to Captain Archer. Commander Tucker is regaining consciousness. You wanted me to notify you immediately."
"Archer here, I'm on my way."
He tried to move his head slightly on the biobed. He found he couldn't move but suffered the effects of the attempt.
Ohh… headache… headache… headache…. remind me not to do that again.
He heard doors glide open and shut. Footsteps came towards him and stopped.
"Trip… Trip?"
Jonathan.
He tried to open his eyes. They seemed to be glued shut.
"Are you sure he's coming to, Doc?"
"I can assure you, Captain, the readout indicates he is conscious for the moment. He's just not able to respond. But he can hear you perfectly well" Phlox turned to address Trip. "Commander, you've been in a coma for nearly 2 weeks after an accident in engineering. We're doing what we can to help you return to the land of the living, just be patient. You've had brain surgery and were on life support long enough to become very weak. Your prognosis is good. I think you can speak so long as you do so slowly and deliberately."
Trip thought for a moment and reached for something momentous to say. He wet his lips and said hoarsely.
"Remind me not to do this again, Doc. We've got to quit meeting like this."
"I think we have our answer, Captain. He's back with the living."
"Trip, it's Jonathan, we'll talk after you're back on your feet. Call me if you need me."
"Jon…" Trip opened his eyes to gaze up at his friend. Archer noticed they were unfocused and glassy from the drugs that had kept his pain at bay and the swelling to a minimum.
"Yes, Trip?"
"Thanks for saving my life. We owe you one." Trip closed his eyes and the monitor sank down indicating he had returned to unconsciousness.
Archer swung to look at Phlox.
"What did he mean by 'we'?"
"Captain, there was always the chance that since Sim retained Tucker's cellular memories, Tucker would retain Sim's as well. Time will tell. Right now he needs rest. I'm not going to pretend this is going to be easy for him. He just had rather invasive surgery. No one can come through this unscathed. He just needs time, physiotherapy and patience."
"Call me if there are any changes, okay doc?"
"Captain…you might let your first officer know that the Commander has regained his faculties. She asked to be notified once he regained consciousness."
"Will do. I'll check back later."
* * * *
Sickbay was the last place Trip wanted to be. He needed to get back to his engines, he could hear the whine of a badly tuned injector even all the way down here in sickbay. It set his teeth on edge. The tone changed slightly and he listened to it disappear.
Someone has a good ear… can't be Kelby.
"Commander Tucker? Commander, could you try to curl the fingers of your right hand…. Good. Now clench your left hand…excellent. Curl the toes on your right foot please… and now the left. You appear to be doing well enough. Let's start with gross motor movements. If your head hurts, just keep your eyes closed and lie still before moving on to the next exercise. Lift your right arm please…"
Trip began his slow painful process of recovery.
* * * *
Eyes closed, Trip settled himself more comfortably on the bed and listened to the sounds in the room. Must be the middle of the night, he thought, Phlox was feeding his nocturnal companions. He worked at remembering the events leading up to the accident. The experiment had worked… but there had been an injector flare… then an explosion of the plasma conduit and flying through the air to land hard on the decking...a flash of pain…and then darkness. He felt T'Pol near him constantly while in Sickbay but he was damned if he knew how he knew. There seemed to be some mixing of his childhood in Florida and memories of growing up in sickbay. Didn't make any sense, he hadn't grown up here… but his memory indicated he had done both. He remembered helping Phlox feed his menagerie and Archer letting him fly his shuttle model. He had another name… Sim. It just didn't fit somehow until he became aware there was a … a clone with his face. He could see himself in a mirror in what he guessed were guest quarters.
There was a feeling of anxiety, debris building up on the hull. He had a drive to solve the puzzle and was pressured to save his crew. He felt his elation after the ship was towed away from the zone and the congratulations of everyone for a job well done. There were talks with Jon about the nature of existence and need for self sacrifice. They had fought. He had considered escape but had decided that the sacrifice was his reason for existing.
Then he received that kiss from T'Pol just before he went into surgery and he admitted to her that he had deep feelings for her while he stood in her quarters. He remembered the tears welling up in her eyes… why hadn't she reacted this way when he told her before? What had he missed?
Trip's eyes popped open. Words just exploded …"Oh my God, what did I do?" He rose slightly but sank back onto the bed. It's not like he hadn't told her before. It bothered him now because someone else had told her. But it also meant she had kissed another man. He told himself he had no right to be so possessive. There had been no promises between them. At least it had only been one kiss... it could have been a lot more if he had had his way.
Phlox turned from his task and loomed over the bedside. "Ah Commander, you've come back to us."
"Phlox? What am I doing here?"
"Commander… You have already put many of the pieces together. Are you sure you are ready to hear this? You might not like what you hear."
"Pull up a chair, doc. I have nothing planned."
And so the story began about the events of the last 2 weeks.
* * * *
"I need to talk to the Cap'n. He needs to know I forgive him. "
"I'll inform him that you're ready to talk, Commander. Now let's work at your physical therapy shall we? Get you up and around. "Phlox pulled Trip to a sitting position. "First I think a shower would be in order. You haven't had a proper one in weeks."
"Is that a nice way of saying I smell bad?"
"Let's just say you have a distinct ambiance, Commander. Now you'll need to move slowly. There's a whirlpool bath through here, we'll combine physio with your soaking off the last 2 weeks' grime. I'll help you." He shifted Trip in the bed so he could swing his legs over the side. Phlox called out to Ensign Cutler, "Can you take the Commander's other side so we can walk him to the tub? That's it, Mr. Tucker, slow but sure…"
* * * *
Archer sat back in his chair and surveyed his chief engineer seated on the biobed.
"Forgive me, Trip. We have to save Earth and for that I needed you alive and in one piece. It wasn't ethical but I felt we had no choice. I believed that sacrificing one life to save billions was a fair trade. I don't feel good about what it took."
"You did the right thing…Cap'n. I remember our talks about the ethics of this. Sim… I… remember everything you went through. He knew the risks and banked on my retaining his memories just as he retained mine. He believed it was coded in our DNA. Everyone seemed to make the distinction between us when there wasn't one to make. He was everything I am. And now, apparently, I am everything he was." Trip glanced up at Phlox. "You were a great father, Phlox. And you made a painful process as palatable as possible for both of us."
"Thank you, Commander." Phlox patted the Commander on the shoulder. "You have no idea how difficult it was to see you grow up knowing what was in store. We were by no means sure that the transplant would work at all let alone restore you to normalcy. I thought I could harvest the tissue and allow him to live out his natural life span even though he had only a few more days to live. But I was wrong."
"Yeah, I knew it wouldn't be long before I would be dying of old age anyway. Not a pretty thought. I… um… he was banking on his memories carrying on. He didn't really look at it as dying but believed it to be a resurrection. To him my carrying his memories was a kind of afterlife." Trip shook his head and stared at his knees for a moment. He looked Archer in the eye. "It couldn't have been easy for you."
Archer nodded at Trip. "We're square then?"
"Yeah Jon, we're square. I just want to get back to work." Trip stuck out his hand. The two men shook hands. Archer left sickbay stating he had to return to the bridge.
"Can I go back to my quarters soon, doc? I hate sleeping here in sickbay. It's so noisy."
"The crew has asked for a service for Sim, Commander… now that you're up and around, you're welcome to attend, it's tomorrow. You can return to your quarters tonight, rest for a few days and then you can return to work on light duty." Phlox moved between his bed and the computer screen.
"Sure, I'll go… but it's going to feel odd going to my own funeral. Hey doc, has anyone seen T'Pol lately? She hasn't been to visit me."
"Actually the Commander was here often during the day while you were unconscious. She spent hours sitting and reading to you during her off hours even though I told her you couldn't hear her nor would you be remotely aware she was here. She sat through the surgery and was with you when you first regained consciousness but hasn't returned since."
Trip was silent for a moment lost in thought. It felt strange to know the Vulcan had indeed kept him company. He had felt her beside him more often than not.
"By the way Commander, there's something we need to discuss. I have been comparing your recent brain scans with the scans done during your monthly radiation checks since your arrival on Enterprise. There's been a change in activity you need to be aware of. I just want to monitor things to make sure that it's a normal shift." Phlox pointed to the four images on the monitor. "I meant to talk to you about this before your accident but didn't have the chance. See… right here… in your first scan you can see this area was inactive. "Phlox circled an area in the lower left quadrant. "But in the last 3 scans there's increasing activity, very unusual for humans."
"What does that area do?"
"It's the area of the human brain that's associated with telepathy, Commander. It started to change a few weeks before you started neuro-pressure with Commander T'Pol. Something appears to be activating a dormant area. I have some medical texts for you to read if you'd like to use your recuperating time on something constructive. I know this must be a bit of shock."
"Yeah, but what does it mean, doc?"
"I don't know quite yet." Phlox actually had a very good idea what it was but didn't want to distress the Commander unduly. "I don't want you to become concerned, you have enough to worry about. Why don't you come back in the morning, Commander? Tonight you're free to return to your quarters. If you have any pain, take this hypo-spray with you…if you have any other concerns, call me. I'll be puttering in my office all night. Take this cane and use it for support, Commander. Do you need any help getting back to your quarters?"
" Nah, I'll lean against the bulkhead if I need to. Night, Phlox." Trip walked slowly and a bit unsteadily towards the door.
* * * *
Back in his quarters, Trip sank into the chair at his desk.
"God, it's good to be home." He said to no one in particular. "It's time for a little celebration of my survival."
He opened the bottom drawer and reached for the bottle of bourbon he kept there. A look of puzzlement crossed his face. He pulled the drawer open a bit further. His ex-wife's picture was missing.
Only T'Pol had known that Natalie's picture was in his drawer. Had she disposed of the photo without telling him? Half of him was irritated with her, the other half was grateful. He hadn't had the motivation to close that door on his life. But then again he hadn't checked on it for over a year. He had no idea when it had disappeared. He put back the bourbon, deciding that now was not the time. Since he knew that T'Pol had been in his quarters, she might show up later. He didn't want the smell of alcohol on his breath.
Trip pulled off his shirt and stripped down to bare skin. He went into the bathroom and had a long hot shower, soaking off the medicinal scent of Sickbay. He dried off, pulled back the covers on the bed and settled in. He gave deep sigh of relief and breathed in someone else's aroma. There was a woman's scent on the linens… he turned and buried his nose in the fragrance…T'Pol's coppery spice. She must have been sleeping in his bed while he was in sickbay. It made sense since his quarters were closer to sickbay than hers were.
He had T'Pol's scent in his bed, he remembered Sim thinking the same thing when he discovered her fragrance there. He rolled over onto his stomach, buried his nose in the pillow and let loose a sigh. Soon he was breathing deeply, a smile on his face and had fallen sound asleep.
* * * *
T'Pol sat alone in the empty mess hall trying to read her crew assignment list. It was well into the middle of the night. Somehow she had gone no further than the top of the list and kept returning to that same top name over and over. She rose, put down the PADD and stepped to the window to gaze at the stars as they raced past at warp.
T'Pol had been given the message that Trip's surgery had been successful a few days before. Recovery was happening in record time and the Commander was even back in his quarters after speaking with Captain Archer and attending the funeral for his clone yesterday. At the moment she just wanted to stop the ache in her heart and the uncontrolled grief that still overwhelmed her body.
The day of the accident she had seen Trip after the fall. She had been informed that in all likelihood he would die from his injuries. She spent hours with Trip's unresponsive body, reading to him despite knowing he couldn't hear her nor would even understand she was there. She had slept in his bed and was comforted by his marvelous masculine scent. Phlox and Archer had created the hope that a clone would provide essential tissues for transplant. She watched Sim grow from a fetus to adulthood, gaining all Trip's memories, knowledge and personality as he matured. The doctor has assured her the clone would survive the surgery but in the end this was just idle hope. She had said goodbye to him and watched him go to his death with courage and dignity. She sat through the long surgery, watching Phlox in the surgical theater as he worked and prayed for a good outcome. She prepared herself for the worst and was relieved when the result was better than they had hoped.
Trip had been resurrected from the dead.
She saw him at the funeral, looking confused, in pain and uncomfortable. She had stood well behind him and left the service early to avoid losing control.
Tears welled in her eyes but didn't fall. The stars seemed so impersonal.
To T'Pol the clone WAS Trip, he had his memories, his body, his smile… she had watched him grow from childhood. It was painful to watch him mature only to die in a 9 day span. Her mind returned to their final goodbye. She still felt his lips on hers. His male aroma was intoxicating to her and she didn't know why. She leaned against the window. It was just too much to take in. He had told her he hadn't intended to frighten her by telling her his feelings. Why would he think she was frightened?
Her heart gave another spasm. She wanted to go to him, touch him, to make sure he still lived, still breathed. At least in Sickbay she could sit nearby and watch as he lay there unmoving. T'Pol wondered if he was still awake. His quarters were next door to hers, she could check on him and would at least sleep better knowing he was alright.
* * * *
T'Pol listened with her ear pressed to his door. She heard soft snoring. She felt a huge sense of relief. She overrode the lock with her command code and the door slid back. The room was lit with 4 guttering candles on the desk. Trip lay snoring on his back, his arms splayed out across the bed. She kneeled down beside him and placed her hand on his… so warm, vibrant. He was dreaming of something pleasant, there was a smile on his face. Trip awoke momentarily, rolled over on his side and went back to sleep. She rose and prepared to walk out of his quarters. She drew back and noticed the bottom drawer of the desk was open. She shrugged in an uncharacteristic movement.
The door slid closed behind her and she walked down the hallway back into her own quarters. She pulled back the covers on the bed and fluffed the pillows. She showered and dressed for bed, wondering idly about the open drawer. She knew Trip had found that she had thrown away his ex-wife's picture months ago. She wasn't sure if he would be mad or relieved. The picture had been an irritant she just wanted to be rid of. She crawled into bed.
"Goodnight Commander Tucker." she said aloud to no one in particular as she turned out the light. She turned to the pillow that she had covered with Trip's favorite tee shirt and buried her nose in his aroma. Soon she was fast asleep and sharing dreams with Mr. Tucker.
* * * *
A few days later Trip sat on the edge of the bed with his aching head cradled in his hands. The headaches were coming less frequently now, mainly when fatigue, stress or fear overtook him. Phlox had promised him that he would soon be past the worst part of the trauma from the transplant.
Trip had been having more and more episodes of memories that he knew weren't his. Sim's mind more or less filled the gap between his birth and the surgery. The doctor had estimated that he would successfully assimilate the experience over time. He now remembered vividly Phlox nurturing him from infancy, the crew adopting him and allowing him to function as a co-worker and he remembered the tears in T'Pol's eyes when Sim told her that he and Trip had deep feelings for her. He realized his love for her was engrained in the very cells of his body and had carried over to Sim even from the time of his birth. He had known her his entire life and loved her from the moment he had consciousness. He loved her as an infant, her face above his and all through his childhood. He had had a crush on her in puberty and it had deepened into love as an adult. He could feel her beside him night after night as he lay unconscious in sick bay. He felt the courage of his clone and knew he had rejoiced in the joining with Trip and the prospect of gaining the woman he loved even if it was by proxy. As hard as it was for Sim to acquiesce to dying… he knew he would wake up as part of Trip. He felt resurrected for a reason and had a new goal. Sim had become determined to possess the Vulcan he had been in love with his entire life...even though that life encompassed only 9 days.
* * * *
TBC