'Realisations'
Or
'Trust Your Stomach'
The parchment felt dry and warm under her face, but it was hard too, and decidedly uncomfortable. Her cheek was becoming sore now and she lazily rolled her head over so her other cheek lay against the wooden desk, and she was facing the opposite way. The movement had caused long locks of red hair to splay messily out across the desk and on her face, and Lily grumpily sighed, opened her eyes and shook her head so they fell out of the way.
But where she should have seen across the narrow aisle yet another shelf of dusty books, something was in the way, that something being a pair of sparkling hazel eyes. They were really quite nice eyes though, Lily thought sleepily, before yawning and shutting her eyelids. It was a few seconds before her eyes snapped open again after realising just whose face – and subsequently, person – those nice eyes belonged to.
The face moved back then, with a crooked smirk and snigger. "Morning, Sunshine."
Lily groaned and tried to pull a stack of books toward her to hide herself away from this annoying distraction, but the boy in front of her smoothly lifted the books up and away from Lily's hands and dumped them on a nearby desk. "C'mon, Evans. Time to wake up."
Lily was now sitting up and brushing strands of hair from her face, and she narrowed her eyes at this statement. "And what gives you the right to decide when I wake up, Potter?" she replied rather grouchily. She attempted to smooth down her hair, which was now sticking out in all sorts of places. Giving up after realising she'd probably need a shower and an Attack of the Comb to tame the bloody mess; she crossed her arms over her chest and looked up at her companion, who had raised his eyebrows.
"It is six in the evening, Lily. Which is our –"
"Oh my Merlin, the Head's Meeting! Oh shit, shit, shit, shit, shit." If Lily hadn't been awake before, she certainly was now. With a whip and a swish of her wand, books flew everywhere as she sent them back to their shelves.
"Ouch!" James rubbed the back of his head, frowning. He picked the stray book up from where it had fallen and sent it away gently with a wave of his own wand. "Merlin, Evans, watch where you send your books next time, will you?"
But Lily wasn't listening; she was working herself up in to quite a state, pulling on her hair, stuffing wads of parchment into a satchel that appeared far too small for its contents, and near shouting at herself in the process, much to James' alarm. "Oh my God…soembarrassing…first one too…what will he think? God, I'm the worst Head Girl ever…sleeping! In the library! Had to be woken up…and I look a mighty sight too…"
"I didn't technically wake you up," pointed out James, rather unhelpfully in Lily's opinion. "I was just there when you did."
"That doesn't change the fact that we'll be late, Potter!" Her voice ran high at the end of sentence and she looked quite hysterical.
"Evans! Calm down or Madam Pince will skin us alive."
"I will not -"
"Lily." The redhead stopped and crossed her arms, her head down, sulking."It's okay. Dumbledore won't care if we're a couple of minutes late. He's not McGonagall. No need to stress so much."
The witch rolled her eyes. "What do you know about stress, Potter? You're never nervous about anything," she said, almost jealously.
James looked defensive. "Hey, I stress quite a bit, thanks very much. Just because I don't let all of Scotland know about it," Lily pursed her lips at this. "Doesn't mean it doesn't get to me sometimes. It is NEWT year after all."
The redhead sighed at this. "That's just the thing. NEWTs. I hate them. I hate them with a burning passion. I hate NEWTs as much as I hate olives. I hate NEWTs as much as You-Know-Who hates me. I hate NEWTs as much as Sirius hates not eating. I hate NEWTs as much as-"
"Okay, I get it. Didn't know you had so much against harmless amphibians, Evans."
"Ha-ha. Very funny," Lily said. "But really, why do they feel the need to put us through this bloody stress? And it's only November for Merlin's sake!" She leant back against the dusty titles behind her and studied the shelves opposite her, frowning moodily.
James watched her silently for a minute. He then glanced down at his golden wristwatch and quirked an eyebrow. "Er, Lily?"
"What?"
"Head's meeting?"
Lily sighed. "Yeah, okay." She grabbed the strap of her bag to pull it towards her off the table. But as the bulk of the bag neared the edge of the desk, there was a ripping sound and a desperate pull of the strap revealed that it had completely detached itself from the satchel. To make matters worse, the bag was now tipping over the edge of the desk, about to fall at any moment.
"Shit!"
But it was too late. As if in slow motion, the bag fell and turned upside down, the mouth of the satchel now faced the ground and everything turned into chaos. Parchment fell out onto the floor in piles, a bang and a crash was heard and several potion bottles smashed against the floor, scattering glass everywhere, and a foul smell filled the air as the contents mingled on the ground, sizzling a hole in the lush library carpet. A dozen or so quills slipped out and snapped; more than ten books hit the floor with loud thumps; and knitting needles attached to half-finished woolen gloves topped the pile.
The Head Boy and Girl watched this unfold in the space of a few seconds, with mouths hanging open and a cringe on each of their faces. They didn't move for a few seconds. The face of a nearby first-year appeared from around the corner started sniggering. This was stopped short however, when James shot a death glare at him that would have frightened a Hippogriff. The face disappeared and Lily breathed out, slowly. She pressed her lips together and shut her eyes. "Tell me this is a dream, James."
"Uh…"
They were interrupted then by the sound of clacking heels and five foot witch appearing at the end of the aisle. Madam Pince's eyes seemed to be bulging out of her head, much to the two teenagers' alarm. The librarian marched up to them and looked down at the contents of Lily's satchel now blocking the entire path. She seemed to be without words. But her popping eyes, taut face and quivering, clawed, pointing finger said it all.
"I can explain, Madam –"
"It wasn't her fault -"
"I can clean it up in a jiffy, Madam, I prom -"
"Clean it up, and get OUT of my LIBRARY!" shrieked the small witch, before stalking away.
Lily watched her go with wide, wide eyes, before blinking rapidly and wiping her eyes with her sleeve. She drew her wand out of her pocket and started muttering to herself, and the sheets of parchment attempted to fold themselves back into a neat pile. But Lily could feel that tears were threatening to appear in a major way, and she stopped her wand work to angrily swipe at her eyes. Unfortunately, this meant that the parchment scattered again. Meanwhile, James had clenched his jaw at Madam Pince's outburst, and given another evil eye to the first year kid who had peeked around the corner again to watch the kerfuffle with large, curious eyes.
Lily sighed heavily and sat down on the wooden chair behind her. She let her face fall into her hands and her wild hair fall like a curtain around her head. No more tears were shed though – she wasn't upset really – just really, really tired. Tired of being the responsible one. Tired of being the stress-head. Tired of being her.
She heard James swishing his wand and knew he was cleaning up her mess, even if it would make him late to the meeting. Her stomach clenched a little in guilt – it was more than likely that he'd get in more trouble for being late than she would, given their varying reputations. Biting her lip, she stood up and brushed down her hair before raising her wand again and copying James's movements. The Head Boy glanced sideways at her once, but they didn't make eye contact again until half and hour later, when they had finally finished clearing the colossal mess.
James's gaze was searching beneath his glasses, but he didn't seem to know what to say to her. Lily herself ducked her head and busied herself with repairing her satchel. "Er…Lily?"
"Mmm."
"Are you…okay? Do you need to talk about something? Because you know, I'm always here. If you need to talk to someone that is. But, you know, only if you want to. I was just…offering…" James finished lamely. Lily looked up at him, torn between amusement and confusion.
"Erm, okay. I'll keep it mind, I guess?" She smiled. "I guess we should get going, yeah?"
"Right. Head's meeting. Hope Dumbledore isn't too angry, huh?"
Lily smiled weakly before leading the way out of the library, passing a still fuming, narrow-eyed Madam Pince, and James followed her.
They met out in the stone corridor and immediately set off for the third floor, a steady, if awkward, silence between them. They reached the stone gargoyle and gave the compulsory sweet-related password (it was Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans today), and stood on the spiraling staircase. James stared ahead absently, while Lily snuck sideways glances at him. He really had changed from a year or so ago, hadn't he? Well, not completely. He still ruffled his hair when he saw her (she supposed it was a totally unconscious habit by now, what with the amount of times he did it every time he saw her back in fifth year), he still cracked the same appallingly bad jokes and puns (he thought it was the joke girls laughed at when he told them, but really it was him), and he still had that incredibly arrogant, crooked, sexy smile. Wait what? Since when was it sexy? Lily's eyes widened at the thought and she coughed suddenly and violently. James looked over at her in alarm. "You alright, Evans?"
"Um," Lily could hardly look at him. "Yep…" she choked weakly.
"If you're sure then," he looked at her strangely. He gestured at the door in front of them. "Shall we then? Can't keep an old man waiting any longer can we? He'll fire me otherwise." James grinned.
"He won't fire you, Potter," said Lily, completely missing the humour intended. "You're the best Head Boy." Her stomach had clenched again in guilt, but was it really that? Was it guilt or something else entirely? Her stomach had being doing this since September first, since she had found out James had become Head Boy. She'd thought it was guilt at the blatant shock she had displayed at the news, and since then, the worry of being unnecessarily surprised at him being a good Head Boy – after all, he'd always had fantastic leadership qualities, he just hadn't been using them very well. But now that she looked back on the last couple of months, she found her stomach doing advanced gymnastics to things completely unrelated to feeling guilty. Whenever he smiled at her for instance, or when he brushed her hand accidentally, or when he stole her bacon over breakfast.
Lily stared at James now, and her insides squirmed. However it wasn't a bad squirm. It was fluttery, jittery, oh my Merlin I fancy James Potter squirm.
Oh dear, Lily thought.
James himself was looking at her curiously now, and Lily thought of how strange her last statement had been. "Er, I mean, you're the best at being Head Boy. Or you will be. I think." Lily blinked rapidly and grimaced. Way to go, Lily, she thought, that ought to clear things up for him.
James raised his eyebrows at this. "Thanks. I think." After one last curious look at her, he knocked firmly on the door, and a polite "Come in" could be heard from within the office. James turned the handle and the pair walked into the odd circular room which was Dumbledore's office.
The Headmaster himself was seated calmly behind his great desk, the small silver instruments that were ever present around him whirring and ticking mysteriously.
Lily and James walked forward into the room and took the seats that were already put out for them.
"I'm really sorry, Professor, for being so late." Lily began. "There was an, er, incident in the library. It was my fault." She glanced across at James.
"That is quite alright, Miss Evans, Mister Potter. As long as you are here now, your tardiness is quite forgiven. Now, shall we start?"
The meeting passed in a haze for Lily. She kept looking at James beside her, being so responsible and Head Boyish and charming and attractive. Her stomach kept swirling and she couldn't concentrate on anything Dumbledore was saying.
About half an hour into the meeting, there was a pause in conversation and Lily looked up from staring at James's hands on the desk to find both Dumbledore and the Head Boy looking at her strangely.
"Er, pardon?"
"I asked you if you agreed to this change of patrol schedule, Miss Evans. Are you feeling alright?"
"Oh, of course, yeah. I just feel a little sick to my stomach, that's all," Lily said. She wasn't lying."Nothing too serious."
"Perhaps you should go and rest, Miss Evans. I'm sure Mister Potter can take care of everything and update you later. It is obvious that I cannot hold your attention for very long." He said it gently, with no disappointment evident in his voice, only concern, but Lily blushed deeply anyway.
"I'm very sorry Professor, I-"
"There is no need for apologies, Miss Evans." Dumbledore said.
"Thank you, sir."
Lily picked up her satchel, fumbling all the while. She then walked from the office, looking back to see James's eyes watching her worriedly, and her stomach somersaulted.
Back in the relative safety of her dormitory, Lily lay back on her bed, her head spinning. She couldn't. It wasn't possible.
But why not? He was attractive certainly, he had nice hair…but hadn't he always? And hadn't Lily hated him with a burning passion, hadn't she whined and complained about him to Severus enough? How could she now fancy him, want to snog him, want to…
At that moment, a blonde girl entered the dormitory, tossing things on her own bed, before noticing Lily spread out on her mattress staring at the ceiling of her four-poster bed.
"Hi, Lily. How did your Head's meeting with Potter go?"
The redhead groaned in response and turned over so she was facedown on the scarlet sheets.
"Terribly." Lily said, though her voice was considerably muffled.
The blonde sighed and made her way over to the bed.
"What happened, Lily?"
"Mar…"
"You'll only feel better if you tell someone, Lil."
Lily sighed. Marlene had a point. She had to tell someone. Didn't she?
"I just messed up, Mar. I fell asleep in the library and Potter had to wake me. Then my bag split and Madam Pince probably won't let me in the library for the rest of term. And then I couldn't concentrate in the actual bloody meeting because of my bloody stomach, so Dumbledore sent me to go lie down. I'm seriously the worst Head Girl ever."
Marlene rolled her eyes. "Lily, you'll be fine as a Head Girl. You're just nervous. What was wrong with your stomach?"
It was unfortunate that Lily was a notoriously bad liar. "I, er, just have a stomach bug. I'm sick. I'm hungry. Yes! Hungry! Dinner. Going to dinner now. Bye, Mar!" Lily leapt up from her bed and ran towards the door.
"Lily!"
"Sorry, Mar, I'm really hungry!"
Lily walked quickly out of the dormitory, knowing that if she stayed, her friend would interrogate her until Lily cracked. She walked quickly down the steps and into the common room, where people were just starting to come in after dinner. She saw Peter, Sirius and Remus enter, and made her way over to them.
"Hey, Lils, did you get up to anything with Prongs in your Heads meeting?" asked Sirius when she arrived, waggling his eyebrows.
"You're disgusting, Black. So he hasn't come back from the meeting yet?" Lily said.
"No…why aren't you with him?" said Remus, frowning.
Lily sighed in relief. She at least had a bit more time to think about this new development then. "I had to leave in the middle. A stomach ache," she said. Then, spotting Marlene heading over her way, with a disturbingly knowing look on her face, Lily decided she had better leg it. "Er, gotta go have dinner now. See you."
She didn't stop to notice the Marauders' confused expressions. As Lily almost ran towards the portrait hole, Marlene reached the group of boys with an exasperated face.
Relieved to be away from people who knew her too well, Lily climbed through the portrait hole and walked down the hallway, thinking. The fact that she now fancied…oh, she didn't even want to say it in her head. Anyhow, it changed nothing. James's feelings for Lily had disappeared with his inflated ego back in sixth year. And that was a good thing, Lily told herself. Stomach flip-flops didn't mean anything. She'd get over this little hitch soon enough and she could go back to thinking about James like a normal person. And right now, she needn't think about the Head Boy. Dinner was her priority – she hadn't been lying about that. Lily hadn't had food since breakfast and she was hungry.
Instead of making her way down to the Great Hall however, Lily walked along corridors mindlessly; thinking about things that were most definitely not food. She didn't even realise she was going the way of Dumbledore's office until the sight of the gargoyle brought her to a stop. Glancing at her watch, she saw that the scheduled time for the meeting was just about over. Hoping fervently that James had been freed earlier, she tried to put as much distance between her and the gargoyle as she could.
It seemed fate was out to get her however, and about ten seconds after she had hurried away, a certain wizard with wild black hair stepped out from the entrance. Lily tried to quiet her steps, but she had been cursed with rather red hair, and James wasn't blind.
"Lily?"
Lily stopped and sighed.
James jogged to where she was in the corridor. "Hey, are you feeling better? I thought you were going to have a lie down."
"Yeah, I did. But I'm hungry too, I guess. I'm heading down for dinner."
"And you decided to take a detour by Dumbledore's office?"
Lily shrugged and tried not to make eye contact.
"Well, anyhow, I'm hungry too. Mind if I accompany you?" he asked.
Lily shrugged again. She didn't trust herself to speak. Her stomach was doing cartwheels.
They set off together, and for the second time that day, an awkward silence fell between them.
Finally, James spoke. "Lily, are you alright?"
Lily sighed. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"You're acting strange. Stranger than normal anyway," he grinned crookedly and Lily's stomach flipped. He suddenly looked worried. "I didn't do anything wrong again did I?"
"No, of course not. You've been…great." Too great, Lily thought.
James stopped suddenly and sat down on a bench. He patted the space next to him. "C'mon, Evans, spill. Something's the matter. You're not responding to my witty banter!"
Lily didn't know what to do. Her head said to take her secret to the grave but her stomach, which seemed to be dancing the samba, said to snog him right there and then. She decided to compromise and sat down next to James, putting her fidgeting hands in her lap. She waited for James to speak first, and he did. "So. Something's bothering you, Lily. Something…" He leant forward, peering into her eyes as if to read the mind behind it. The proximity of James's lips to Lily's was dizzying however, and she spoke the first thing that came to mind, jerking her head away. "Why do you want to know anyway?"
James leant back, looking a bit miffed at this question. "Why wouldn't I, Evans? We're mates aren't we?"
Yes, thought Lily, mates. Any hope of her telling the boy beside her of her newly discovered feelings drowned at that moment, and she closed her eyes. Mates, she thought. She had been completely happy with that back before the holidays – why couldn't she be happy with it now? On the outside though, she smiled. "Of course we're mates."
"Then of course I care," said James, ruffling her hair. "Now will you tell me what's wrong? It isn't Sirius harassing you is it? Or Snape?"
Lily snorted. "No. It's not Snape or Sirius or anyone. It's…it's…"
What could she say? She was a horrible liar after all, and James could see through almost anyone. So she decided to tell him the other thing that had been bothering her all day since her satchel had wreaked havoc in the library.
"I'm tired of being me."
There was a silence in which James furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Lily. She knew he was searching for the right thing to say, and she waited.
"What do you mean? What about you are you tired of?"
Lily shrugged, staring across the corridor at a portrait that was currently empty. "I don't know…I guess I'm tired of being 'Role Model: Lily Evans'. You know, of being the one that everyone counts on to be responsible, and on time, and smart and neat, and all those things."
"You probably don't want to hear this, Lily, but I know how you feel," James said.
Lily raised her eyebrows, but he continued. "It's not the same as yours, obviously, but I was tired of being 'James Potter: Arrogant Bullying Toerag'-" Lily smiled "- after fifth year. Everyone expected me to be good at everything; pranking, school, being cool, looking cool. And eventually it all went to my head. And I became a complete git. I'm sorry for all of that, by the way." James shook his head. "I know I've already apologised for all that, but I think it needs to be said again. I really am sorry." He grinned. "And I have you to thank, for making me realise I was sick to death of myself."
He frowned then, and stared at the wall. "But I guess, if you are tired of being you, only you can change it."
Lily sat, deep in thought. If James, being tired of himself, had changed, why couldn't she? He'd worked hard in sixth year, become Head Boy, and completely deflated his ginormous ego. So isn't that what Lily had to do? She had to become what she wanted, not what others expected.
Lily hadn't expected James to help as much as he did, and she almost felt annoyed at the smile creeping across his face as he watched Lily put a smile on hers.
"Oh, sod off. You're not supposed to be this good at advice," she grumbled.
James flashed his trademark smirk at her. "I'm just glad to see your face without that ugly scowl on it, Evans."
"I do not scowl!"
"Oh yes you do." James stood up and held a hand out to Lily. "C'mon, then, we'd better go get that food." Lily took his hand and allowed herself to be hauled up from the bench, ignoring the fluttering she felt at the touch.
"So, how is Lily Evans going to change who she is? I hope it's not too much." James said as they walked.
Lily stopped and turned towards him, confused. "What do you mean?"
"I just mean I like you the way you are, red hair, freckles and all."
Lily rolled her eyes.
"I mean, you're not thinking of dying your hair blue are you? That really would be a horrible colour on you."
"Oh, shut up."
"No, I'm serious," James said, laughing as he avoided Lily's shoving attempt. "What do you want to change?"
Lily walked a few paces, and then stopped. Her companion stopped too, waiting. Lily blinked. She knew exactly what she wanted to change.
In one fluid movement, she reached her arms up (why did he have to be so damn tall?), put her arms around James's neck, and pulled his lips towards hers, her stomach pirouetting.
It was quick, and hard, the kiss, and Lily pulled away, mortified, after a couple of seconds, whispering "Oh god, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." She turned away, cheeks red, when a hand tugged hers. Lily whirled around, and before she even had time to process that James had whispered "I like this change," to her, she felt his lips on hers and her stomach defied gravity. Her arms wrapped around his neck, his around her waist. James was warm in the November air and Lily didn't ever want to stop kissing him, not ever.
So it was James that pulled away first, reluctantly. "Bloody hell, Lily," he said.
Lily smiled against his lips. "Been waiting, have you?"
"A little while." Lily kissed him again.
"If fifth year me could see this, she'd think she was being Confunded."
James laughed. "Is that because she's seeing an older version of herself, or is it because she's amazed at her luck?"
"You wish, Potter. You're lucky I'm not out snogging the giant squid right now."
"I suppose I am," James said, and he leant down to kiss her again.
Later that evening, Lily and James were seated together in one comfy armchair, watching (if you could call it that) Marlene and Remus play chess while Sirius, Peter and Mary made bets on the outcome. Lily had received a healthy dose of 'I knew it!' from Marlene when Lily and James had climbed in the portrait hole, hands clasped and hair messier than usual (if that was possible.)
They snogged in the chair for some time (thoroughly revolting everyone around them) when James had stopped and looked at Lily curiously.
"When did you know?"
"Hmm?"
"When did you know you fancied me?"
Lily shrugged. "I think I have since the start of this term; but I didn't realise I did until today."
"How?"
"You're a curious bugger, aren't you?"
"Yep. How?"
Lily smiled. "You know that stomach ache I had?"
"Yes…"
"I really should have listened to it earlier."
A/N – so this is my first piece of fan fiction in a long while, and hopefully it's the one to have broken the ice writer's block wise. At any rate, it's just in time for Jily October, so I'm hoping it's the start of things to come. Hope you like it anyhow, Happy Jily October!
Reviews are better than lemonade on a hot summer day.