Scars
Marius had a lot on his mind at the moment; but it couldn't be helped. A lot had happened to him lately, more things than one person should have to go through. The barricades last year had affected him deeply and he still had the hideous scars all over his shoulders as a constant reminder of what he suffered through and the friends he lost.
Marius hated his scars, he'd forget they were there and then when he dressed in the mornings he would see them and remember how he got them, he would remember his friends dying horribly, he would hear the screams of Courfeyrac being bayoneted to death and he would remember the pain of the bullets that tore through him.
The scars he bore were nothing though compared to the guilt he felt of being the only survivor. When he saw his scars he often wondered why he had been the only one of his friends to live through the rebellion. Obviously he felt unworthy, like he shouldn't have lived, like he was supposed to have died with his friends.
Marrying Cosette had made things easier on him; in fact the only time he ever felt at peace with everything going on in his mind was when he was with her. They'd only been married a few short months so far but Marius knew she was the only thing keeping him sane at the moment. Of course his father in-laws revelations about his past had not helped anything, in fact they had only added to his inner turmoil. But when he was with Cosette, when he made love to her or just simply held her, somehow everything else would just fall away and all he could think of was her.
Cosette had seen his scars, it would have been impossible for her not too. She wasn't horrified by them though no matter how ghastly they looked. She loved Marius, she loved everything about him including his scars, she just wished she could make him realise how beautiful they were to her.
She would see him in the mornings sometimes when he would shave in front of the mirror in the corner of the bedroom; he would stop and look distantly at his scars like he was remembering something. Yesterday morning it happened again when he was dressing, he was buttoning his shirt when he stopped and ran his hands over his scars, forgetting Cosette was still in the room. He was lost in thought, remembering his friends and feeling quite miserable when he saw Cosettes reflection watching him with such an innocent expression, he snapped out of his memories and finished buttoning his shirt.
"I'm sorry" Cosette said quietly, feeling like perhaps she'd embarrassed him. Sometimes it was hard to tell what he was feeling, for all of his passion and rebellious nature he could be quite a closed book sometimes. She knew some of what he had been through, but he never spoke of it. He revealed nothing to her.
"Don't be" Marius said dismissively, speaking to her reflection. "It's my burden to bear, not yours".
Cosette decided to be honest with him that morning and reveal something about herself, something that might perhaps make him feel better about his scars.
"I have scars too Marius". She said to him sweetly.
"No you don't, you're perfect" Marius told her lovingly, turning around to face her again. She was sat on the edge of the bed, still in her nightdress.
"I'm not perfect, far from it." Cosette replied, shaking her head. She beckoned him over to her, and she slid back on the bed a little raising her left knee. Marius was curious now, increasingly so as she started to hoist her nightdress up.
"Look" she said softly, as her nightdress came to rest just below her waist.
She was right, on Cosettes knee was a scar about the size of Marius's thumb, it was healed and white but still raised and prominent. Marius looked at it and furrowed his brow, wondering how on earth he hadn't noticed that before; he had seen her naked dozens of times when they had made love over the past months, he thought he'd seen all of her, but he hadn't seen that yet. Although when he thought about it, her knees weren't the thing he was most interested in when they were in bed together.
Marius reached out and touched the scar gently; Where did it come from he wondered, was it a cut? Was it something from when she was a child? He was intrigued by it now.
"What happened?" he asked, stroking her knee gently.
"It was when I was a child; I think I was eight or nine maybe. I was out walking with my father…"
Marius tensed a little at the mention of Valjean, not enough for Cosette to notice though, but he didn't really like to think of that man in regards to Cosette, considering the recent revelations about his background.
"Well my father was walking, I was running around. I remember I liked to run a lot when I was small, I remember suddenly feeling like I had all the freedom in the world and that my father had something to do with that, I don't know why…."
She paused for a moment, looking wistful at the nice memory of her father, he had been acting very strange towards her lately and she didn't know why, ever since she'd been married he'd been so distant. It hurt her more than she let Marius know.
"Anyway, I was running ahead of him and he called for me to come back and I turned awkwardly and I fell. It was horrible, I remember my knee was bleeding heavily but my father wrapped his handkerchief around it and carried me the rest of the way home. It hurt for a long time afterwards but I remember my father took good care of me, He was really amazing. Someone might think this scar ugly Marius, but I don't care. I wouldn't do without it".
"Why?" Marius asked curiously
"Because it reminds me of my father." She said "I know that sounds strange, but he wasn't always so distant Marius. This scar reminds me of how good and gentle he was to me and how much he cared for me. I know he still loves me, despite how much he might act like he doesn't".
Marius looked at her again for a moment, not really knowing what to say. He detested Valjean, but it was strange hearing Cosette talk about him with such tenderness, and it was equally strange knowing that a convict could have been so gentle and caring towards a little girl who was hurt.
"My point is Marius, that sometimes scars can be a good thing" Cosette continued. "I love my scar, and I love yours as well".
She sat up again and took Marius's hand and made him sit down next to her.
"I can't pretend to know what you went through last year" she said to him, looking deep into his eyes "Or know what you've lost, or the pain you went through. But if you didn't have those scars you wouldn't be alive, they remind me that you're strong and that you survived. I know my scar is nothing compared to yours, but it's beautiful. And yours are beautiful to me as well".
Marius closed his eyes for a moment stifling back some tears, he breathed out heavily, moved by Cosettes words.
"What's wrong?" Cosette asked with concern when she noticed some tears escaping from his eyes.
Cosette was so wonderful to him, so trusting and so loving and honest. Marius wanted to unburden himself on her right there and then and tell her about the barricades and the things he saw, but she was a lady as well and he knew it wouldn't be right to tell her about such things. He knew he was very lucky to have Cosette for a wife, he couldn't believe how easy she made things for him sometimes, or how clear his head could be whenever he was with her.
"It's nothing" he said wiping his eyes quickly, composing himself. "It's just…I think I love you even more each day Cosette".
It would be nice to say that Marius was immediately able to overcome his feelings about his scars thanks to his wifes kind words, but it wasn't that simple. Of course they did help somewhat, she had a way of making him see things differently. Instead of seeing the ugliness of his scars he was in time able to see the beauty in them, there was even a strange kind of honour in them as well. It had been an honour to fight alongside his friends and Marius wanted to remember them with honour, his scars allowed him to do that and eventually Marius realised he wouldn't do without them anymore, just like Cosette wouldn't do without hers.
The End