It was raining again.

The first night he had sat by the window and watched it until his eyes began to burn. It had been a novel thing, something he hadn't seen in a long while spending so much time in the darkness of space. Weeks later, as it poured relentlessly outside of his Alliance issue apartment, he hated how much it reminded him that he was stuck here...reminded him of his losses.

Joker sat on the edge of the bed and ran his hand through his tousled hair. He usually kept it cut pretty short despite the fact it was always hidden under his hat, but now it was at least a couple inches long, enough for proper bedhead. The stubble on his chin was just starting to fill back in. A night or so prior he had shaved out of boredom, decided he hated it, and vowed never to go baby-faced ever again.

He never considered himself the moping type, but after countless hours of these mind-numbing day-to-day exercises he definitely had begun to. Granted, he was probably a hundred times safer where he was now, but he hated safe. He'd grown up with nothing BUT safe, and had thanked the stars (if you'd pardon his sentimentality) when he was finally out in space where anything and everything could go wrong. And, god he loved it. It was something he had thrived on ever since he began piloting. And just when it seemed it couldn't have gotten any better, Commander Shepard had taken this perilous freedom to an all new level. There were no limits, there was no defeat, and anything that dared to stand in their way...

….her way...

He vaguely realized he had been thinking of them like that for awhile now; as a team. It was Shepard out there crashing the Mako into Geth and backhanding mercs while he sat in the safety of the cockpit, but she had always managed to make it feel like they were standing on equal ground. When she was overwhelmed and needed and out, he was there. While she fought Sovereign from the inside, he took the outside. And when she was looking just a little too serious, a little bit like something might be starting to crack, she came to talk to him and he brought that all-to-rare smile back to her face.

Not that 'they' really mattered anymore. Not that 'they' ever really existed. Not like he wanted, anyway.

He was an awesome pilot, sure, but a little slow on the uptake on the whole emotional thing. Leave it to him to figure it out when the woman he JUST REALIZED he was in love with, got knocked out of his grasp and into the exploding wreckage of the Normandy. He had beaten on the glass until his hand was throbbing and he forgot how many of the tiny bones in his fingers he'd broken. Truthfully, he hadn't even acknowledged it until he was released from the med-clinic and was informed that the Council had forbade him to fly. Damn right he was furious, but arguing did nothing. Hell, he couldn't even go to the Citadel and take it up with them personally with the place undergoing repairs at the time.

And that's how they honored her – their savior. They split everyone up and pretended like the whole thing never happened. Pretty soon, they'd work to have her forgotten – nothing more but another footnote in the history databases just to cover their asses.

He couldn't, though. It was as though Shepard wouldn't let him. Not that he wanted to...but it did shit for his mornings dreaming all night about her dying and not being able to do anything. It probably would have driven lesser people to something drastic, but he wasn't that stupid. And he was too damn pretty to bring that tragedy on the universe.

He never noticed when he'd pulled his legs up on the bed, or when his head hit the pillow. It was just another step in the monotony of everyday 'civilian' life. He fell asleep easily, the ache in his hips and legs finally subsiding after a day making strenuous efforts at walking. In the Normandy, he hadn't had much reason to, but damn it if he was going to be confined to this god forsaken apartment like he'd just given up...

"Hey, wake up."

"I am awake." Joker lifted his eyes to the Commander, offering a crooked smirk that he'd reserved just for her. "I'm just listening."

"Right. You never just listen," she replied, hands on her hips.

"Okay, I'm bored. But I figured it wouldn't be as polite if I let my head smack into the console." He felt her fist nudge his shoulder.

"I know it's boring, Joker, but I'm obligated to make sure everyone listens to it."

"All of it?" he asked, pouting up at her. Her eyes rolled back and then returned to him. She bent down beside him and stopped the audio playback of the Council's latest set of policies concerning humanities' recent inclusion in their ranks.

"Okay. Long and short of it is 'Blah, blah, don't do anything stupid, blah, blah, we won't be held responsible, so on, signed the asshat Council...minus Anderson."

"Wow, I like that version much better." He grinned and she chuckled. "You should sum up all my paperwork for me, Commander."

"But then where would I get my commentary?" she asked. He rubbed his chin in mock thoughtfulness.

"Hm, you have a point."

As he craned his neck to look up at her, Joker felt an immediate sense of deja vu. He'd played through these motions before, said all the same things. Sometimes it began at different moments, some where they'd share a chat and others where he wouldn't see her at all. No matter how it started, it always ended the same.

But it felt different...

Time was nonexistent, and Shepard seemed to linger there a little longer. He looked at her, took in every clear feature he could manage. She said something then that he didn't hear, and couldn't quite remember from prior dreams. All he could do was watch how her lips moved, wanting nothing more to leap out of his chair and kiss them like he never would. When she turned to leave, his body turned his attentions back to the console as always, right on schedule.

It wasn't long before he heard Pressly, and heard himself talking to the XO. He was damn near certain he could feel a cold chill run through his spine as the Normandy began picking up the signals of the foreign craft creeping just a little too close to their position. It all seemed to happen so fast, just like his memory, as the ship changed trajectory and the world went to hell. Pressly was downed in seconds, and Joker could hear the hull tearing apart behind him as the smell of fire filled his nose.

His fingers activated the shield after he pulled on his helmet, enclosing him in his own little bubble away from the chaos as he tried to steer clear of another attack. He had no idea what was going on elsewhere as he sent out transmissions, didn't know how many were dead, or what, if anything, was left of the Normandy.

Something in him jolted, making him release the controls.

The Normandy is lost...going down with the ship won't change that.

The world around him shook, and he clenched his eyes shut a moment. Enough, he thought. He refused to just sit by and let this happen again. He struggled a little, but brought himself to his feet easier than he could ever remember. He had just rested both feet on the floor, hand on the back of the chair as Shepard broke through the field. She paused only for a breath, and then moved quickly to assist him.

In another time and place he might have felt like an idiot for it, but he hobbled towards in haste with the intent to embrace her and never let go. When she ducked under his arm and gripped his wrist, he remembered where they were and quickly followed her lead towards the escape shuttle.

His heart lept into his throat as she helped him in, and he watched her, waiting to see her ripped away again. Once he was inside, his hand shot out and gripped her wrist. He could just faintly see her eyes as the beam drew near again and it illuminated her visor. Desperately, he pulled her in and she followed him, slamming her hand on the eject button. They propelled outward as the thrusters on the shuttle kicked in, and Joker watched as the beam tore the Normandy apart. Only this time, Shepard was not on the other side.

Shepard settled into the seat across from him, not bothering with the restraints as she pulled off her helmet and pressed her face into a hand. Joker was out of his chair before he realized what he was doing. He stumbled as his legs turned weak, about crashing into her lap. She was startled, dropping her helmet, but caught him and helped him into the seat beside her.

"Are you alright?" she asked, pulling off his helmet and checking for injuries. His hands raised to hers at his face, and his fingers curled around hers.

"Great," he replied, and lowered their hands, but never lost his grip on hers. When she wrapped her own over his he felt his heart ache.

"You sure?" she asked.

"Yeah... yeah," he assured her. He imagined that he was probably looking at her pretty hard, and maybe that was strange for her. But, damn, she was gorgeous. Scorched, sweaty, and out of breath, she couldn't have been more beautiful. Up close like this he could see things about her he had never noticed. She had a tiny scar through her left eyebrow, not as prominent as those on her jaw. Her eyes also had the faintest hint of brown amongst the green.

She looked back, cheeks flushed from the escape and lips parted as she caught her breath.

"You...lost your hat," she said. He blinked and raised a brow, and then they both gave a breathless laugh. "God..." She ran her hand through her mussed hair now and tilted her head back a moment. "I thought I was going to die for second there..." Almost instantly, Joker sobered up.

"Shepard," he said, in all seriousness. She looked at him, mouth still quirked in humored disbelief. When she saw the look on his face, the smile faded.

"What? What's wrong?" It was probably a dangerous thing to dare, but he couldn't help it. He kissed her, full and unapologetic, felt the warmth of her lips on his, and could have died a happy man. Though he knew it was too much to hope for, he fell right into it when he felt her kiss back. When he pulled back just a breath away, his head ducked, averting his eyes from her. "Joker..." He had clenched his eyes shut, waiting for her to vanish, but when she said his name and he looked up to see her still there he abandoned all other thoughts. He nudged his forehead to hers and kissed her again, just lightly a few times.

He felt her grin against his mouth.

"Something you care to tell me, helmsman?" she joked, but rested her forehead to his. "Or is this another coping mechanism?"

"A little from column A, a little from column B," he replied, chuckling.

"Well, I'm likely to be buried in reports very soon, so I'd say you best get on with it."

"I just...," he fumbled. "Listen... I'm really bad with these things..."

"You sure? I'm riveted." Bless her and damn her all at once, she was grinning. She had about died and she was making jokes. Not that there was any doubt at this point, but he loved this woman.

"Not helping," he huffed, but couldn't help but smile. "But, uh... I think... No.. I mean...I'm definitely...and totally... feeling like... I..."

"Jeff," she caught his attention by using his real name, something she never did. She drew close to him again, her breath light on his mouth, and kissed him gentle and slow. It felt like it could last forever and if it had, he wouldn't have minded. He didn't really speak, but just barely whispered the words he'd meant to say in the kisses. Soon she was in his arms, and he cursed the armor that prevented him from really feeling her. He pressed his face against her neck and in her hair, squeezing tight.

"Don't leave me, Shepard..."

"I won't," she replied quietly. "I promise."

And suddenly, she wasn't in his arms anymore. He was in the shuttle, alone, just like all those times before.

To be honest, it was the most peaceful he had awaken in a long while. Usually, he would find the sheets half tossed off the bed, pillows strewn about the floor as he strained in his sleep. Now, he opened his eyes, blankets and pillows right where he left them. He stared at the stark ceiling at first, and then he turned his head to the empty side of the bed as if, for some strange reason, she should have been there.

As he lay there he couldn't help but feel a little betrayed. Initially, he felt bitter at Shepard's unkept promise, but then he felt it at his own subconscious for making her promise it at all. But it really did seem like something she would say. The unwanted feelings were back again, pitting in his stomach and putting a knot in his throat. He whipped the covers off himself and sat up, sliding back to the edge of the bed. It was barely even light outside, just the orange haze as the sun started to peek over the horizon. But at least it wasn't raining anymore.

He hobbled in nothing but his boxers towards the bathroom. He wasn't going to get any more sleep tonight after that, and insistent on not laying around and dwelling on it, he set about his morning routine. He took a cold, sobering shower before finally turning it warm to wash. He refused to acknowledge that some of the water running over his face may have not come from overhead.

He had barely gotten out and wrapped a towel around his hips when the apartment's integrated comm chimed to signal an incoming call. He headed for the bedroom again, not caring about the puddles of shower-water he dripped all over the floor.

He really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, but hell, it was the first call he'd had in a long while. At the very least it would break the norm. He hit the receive button.

"Yeah, what?" he asked, not bothering with the formalities.

"I assume I'm speaking with Jeff Moreau," came an accented, female voice.

"Joker, but yeah. Who's this?"

"Am I correct to say that you are the same 'Joker' that worked with Commander Shepard?"

His head was starting to hurt.

"So what if I was?"

"Then I think you may want to drop the attitude and listen very closely to what I have to say, Mr. Moreau. We have a proposition for you."

"Alright, I'll bite. What?" He settled down on the bed and started to dry out his hair.

"We are going to be in need of a pilot soon, but it can't be just anyone." Joker smirked despite himself, glad to see that his own ego was still in tact. "You would be serving under a person of very high regard."

"Yeah, right," he muttered to himself. "The only person I hold in 'high regard' is Shepard." Though he hadn't been talking very loudly, it seemed as though the woman on the other end had superior hearing, and what she said made him pay attention for the first time.

"Precisely."